Tuten-Christem

The Shroud of Turin caused a veritable media storm during the 80's and 90's. People were fasinated by a piece of cloth that might have literally touched the face of God. Finally, Jesus didn't appear on a piece of toast or another pastry or breakfast item for that matter, but something significant; plausable. After much scientific research it was concluded that this, albeit ancient article of cloth, was most likely a fake. Carbon dating was done and it appeared that the cloth was not old enough to have existed when Christ was calculated to have died. Mystery still shrouds this shroud and many still believe that it was the holy cloth that the Christ was buried in at the time of his demise.

But I think I have a better idea as to how Christ was prepared for his tomb. I recently took a trip to the Chicago Field Museum of Natural History. You might remember this museum from the movie Night at the Museum. I was walking through the Egyptian exhibit when a small, about 8 year old girl, pointed to a mummy and then asked her parents, "Is that how they wrapped up Jesus?" It took all of my will power to not start laughing at this child's innocent and adorable question. The idea of Christ as a mummy is hilarious. Her parents were chuckling a little but they didn't want to burst her bubble so they told her maybe, who really knows? In a way, a completely ridiculous and unresearched way, the mummy theory makes sense. Jesus rose from the dead just like mummies are supposed to live forever in the afterlife. The mummies never really died because we still discuss them, look at them in museums and interact with their lives and lifestyles. Christ also never died in our hearts and minds.

Candy Coma

In the very late eighties and thru the early ninities, for just one night a year, I was a trick or treater. As a child I didn't have a lot of freedoms, but then again, what child does have a lot of freedoms? Halloween was the the one time a year that pre-pubesant youths could rally together in the name of, vandalism, terror and above all else sugar. This was the one time you could say "F*ck it all! Tonight (with absolutely no formal training in the martial arts) I am a ninja and I will feast upon the sweetest of fare along side my comrades in mischief!" Halloween allowed kids to dress the way that they felt on the inside, watch rated-R movies until the sun came up and consume enough candy to jumpstart their adult-onset diabetes.

But, alas these days are over. I teach about 20 private music lessons to kids during the week and I asked them all how their Halloween went. They all said that they had a good time but I was horrified when I learned that their parents were keeping the kids' hard earned candy from them?! Apparently, the new trend in Dr. Spock/Atkin's Diet inspired parenting is to take all the candy from the child and only allow him or her a single piece everyday after Halloween until the candy is all gone. This is blasphemy! This ranks up there with saying "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas".

I strongly urge all Americans (12 and under please) to rise up against your middle aged oppressors and take back what is rightfully yours! Grasp Halloween by the malted-milk balls and make it your b*tch! If kids can't have Halloween, what do they have? Nothing! To truly experience Halloween you must eat enough candy, in one sitting, to throw-up until you never want to see candy again until next Halloween. Not doing so, is to never know Halloween. It's like going to college and never doing a keg-stand! Who cares about your 4.0GPA, we want to see the keg-stand! So, remember kids on Halloween you own the night!