Saturday, December 27, 2014

Gift Wrapping Machine: Roomba or Wrapba

I can speak several languages, play musical instruments and navigate my way across Europe but dear God, help me if I have to gift wrap something. All my friends and family know that If they receive a gift from me then that gift will be hastily thrown into a bag and not wrapped. I'm sure that I could master Chinese acrobatics before I could entangle myself in the deranged, origami art of gift wrapping.

What sadist came up with this stupid idea? Hitler? Stalin? Emperor Nero? Personally, I think it was probably Batman's nemesis the Riddler. That guy LOVED surprises.  We all want to be surprised come Christmas morning or birthday but why do our gifts have to be intricately coated in extremely thin paper? THROW THAT SHIT IN A BAG!!!! It's gonna get tor' up inna bout 10 seconds!!!! SON!!!!!

The answer to this query is, of course, technology! We have drones, roombas, diswashers and netflix but we don't have a machine that will wrap presents for us yet? Talk about your first world problems! Society needs a Wrapba! Stick your gift inside the Wrapba Box, fill it with the wrapping paper, of your choosing and let the Wrapba do the work! From the company that brought you Wrapba, we give you Bowba! Bowba will give your special bounty the most elaborately enchanted bows imaginable!

I think the real question here is: If someone gives you Wrapba or Bowba for Christmas how do they wrap it?

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Deutschland and Other Mythical Places

I am heading off to Germany tomorrow, so no posts whilst in the land of Grimm my friends! Germany has always seemed to exist in another plane of existence, to me. It is the Asgard of Europe. The land of castles, fairy tales, dirndls, lederhosen and beers the size of your face! (And I have a big face)

As Americans, we love to boast about all of our freedoms but in Germany you get a whole new set of "freedoms". You can drive at break-neck speeds on the autobahn without a cop in sight! Suck it NASCAR!!! Open container laws? I don't even think there are words for that last phrase in German. You can party till the sun comes up, literally. My hungover eyes saw the sun one too many times while there.

America has some pretty great freedoms too though, like speech and what not but I think our two great societies should meet somewhere in the middle. For instance, if beer stands were located right outside voting booths, in America, A LOT more people would vote. If we sent real criminals (like K$sha) to jail instead of ticketing people who are going 5 miles over the speed limit then our society would have a lot less crime and I could finally get to the voting booth on time WITH time leftover for a frosty stein of beer. Public transportation would also be nice because, as it turns out, the PUBLIC really likes to TRANSPORT themselves to, like, work...and stuff. Lastly, if I could party all night long then I would not be forced to come home at an hour in which the only programming left on cable TV is re-run after re-run of Three's Company. THE HORROR.

Let's be friends Germany, maybe not lover's (It's not you, it's me) but really good beer drinking buddies.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Gift Wrapping 101.1

Do you have 5 Johns in your household? What about 3 Franks or 7 Karens? How do you differentiate between all those Franks and Karens when packaging their Christmas gifts all under one hallowed tree? The simple answer is to just pick your favorite John or Frank and only buy that one Frank or John a gift, although this does violate the Christmas spirit.

Despite the fact that I am the only Donna in my home, my husband still felt the need to make sure that no other doppelganger Donnas open any of my presents come Christmas morning.

In case you can't read my spouse's hand-writing, because it is worse than the mangled script of a chimpanzee with Parkinson's disease and a broken hand, I will translate for you. The tag reads: To: Donnizzle AKA "Heart of Darkness", From: her Boo

I really hope no one else out there is named Donnizzle or "Heart of Darkness", that would cause so much confusion at the DMV.

Now, here is a real problem. If anyone from the Flight of the Conchords opens up my gifts and claims them for himself...shits.gonna.get.real. I'm looking at you, Jemaine. Everyone knows how tasty my rhymes are and that I am the ORIGINAL Rhymenocerous; however, it is debatable whether or not my husband is or was a Hip-hopapotamus.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Christmas, It's the Gayest Time of Year

'Tis the season to be merry and gay! I always knew that Christmas was fabulous but just how fabulous? I had no clue.

Many of us dress in drag for one night a year on Halloween but at Christmas time, most men get a month long holiday full of flashy cocktails, dinner parties, bow ties and Michael Buble.

Yesterday, I was doing some Christmas shopping and as I was standing in line at the check out counter I noticed a large, middle aged male in front of me purchasing perfume by Nikki Minaj (God only knows what that smells like) a gift collection of lotions from Victoria Secret and a box of Godiva chocolates. Any other time of the year this gentleman would have had to make a qualifying statement to go along with his most feminine of purchases, "It's for my girlfriend! The woman I have sex with! Because I am not gay! Not that there is anything wrong with that!" (I thought I would get you something nice for Christmas, so enjoy your Seinfeld quote)

Christmas time is the only time of year when men can unapologetically purchase almost anything! A pink hand gun? Why not. Tiny shorts that say, "Juicy" on the bum? Sure. A rabbit vibrator? Absolutely! The new One Direction album? It's NOT for my daughter, it's for ME!

I then realized that I asked my husband to buy me People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive issue because it had Chris Hemsworth on the cover. I also asked him to get me plenty of candy. Only Christmas morning will tell if he bought me these audacious items but if he did, I am sure that he looked like a man on his period buying these gifts. Next time I will be sure to sweeten the deal with tampons and the box set of Sex and the City.

This holiday season let your freak flag fly, dudes! Buy the soundtrack to Frozen, that you secretly love. Pamper yourself with a gift certificate to a spa and then fulfill it by yourself in January! Indulge in a pint of your favorite ice cream. No one will be the wiser! Except maybe for that tattle tail Elf on the Shelf...damn that thing is creepy.

Men buying gay things like nikki minaj perfume, victoria secret body lotions, chris hemsworth sexy man alive people magazine they might be on their periods

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Things You Don't Need, Christmas Edition

The Art of Shaving or as I like to call it, "The Art of Setting my Money on Fire" might be the most over-priced new product to hit the market of men's grooming. How have men been shaving, all these millenia, with out $100 razors and sandalwood scented shave cream? Do you really want your face to smell like wood? Now every wife/girlfriend/gaylover/blowupdoll knows what it would be like to make-out with Pinocchio.

Did you know that shaving is an art form?! Shaving now stands alongside other great minds of our time such as Michelangelo, Beethoven, Gaudi, Frank Gehry and Andy Warhol. Your local postal worker, who shaves his balls every morning, is now an artisan. He is a true craftsman who requires only the finest of stainless steel, made in China, razor blades to create his sunrise ball art masterpiece. Can we really put a price on such an instrument as a men's razor handle or the wax that he requires to make a delicate foo man shoo or pornstache? Is porn stache one word or two?

Apparently, the brushes that are used to apply the shave cream are made from badger hair. The last time I saw a badger it was roadkill. You are paying $100 for roadkill. You are putting roadkill on your face and/or balls. True elegance.

Let me suggest next year's over-priced, ordinary object but reinvented with more dollar signs fad.
It's called, "The Glory of Brushing". Experience dental care in a whole new and luxurious way! Don't simply brush your teeth but rather, message them with chinchilla bristles and a Brazilian rosewood handle that is ergonomically designed for pleasure and durability. Your new dental kit comes with a lavender and sage tooth conditioner and an ivory travel case. You will definitely want to travel with this masterpiece of design so that those around you know that your teeth are better than theirs.