Tuesday, January 27, 2015

The Response Machine...Leave a Message at the Beep.

We all know someone who just likes to talk and they will listen to you from time to time but you get the sense that they don't reeeeeeaally care. People like this can't help it; they are just naturally unenthused and nothing/no one will ever change that aspect of themselves. We can't change people and often, we can't even change ourselves. People like this need some kind of a coping device or mechanism, perhaps even a machine. Remember answering machines? No matter what kind of day you are having your answering machine was effing EXCITED to receive messages! "Hi, you've reached the Smiths, we can't take your call right now because we are out DOMINATING LIFE so please leave a message at the beep, BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Certain individuals need some sort of 'response machine' that allows one to just hit a button and the device will play a pre-recorded response to different situations. For example, I realized a long time ago that one of my friends was NEVER going to give me the response I was hoping for and I finally came to this conclusion when I called her up one day (super excited, mind you) and I said, "You won't believe this! I just shook hands with and spoke to the President of the United States of America!!!!!". My amiga's response to this turn of events was, "Oh cool, well I just got done emptying my cat's litter box and now I'm getting ready to re-watch season 5 of Friends so my day has been pretty good.". WHAAAAAAAAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, should have been her response even if it was faked.

People like this need mechanical intervention. The response machine (patent pending) will be of great use to both parties. The person enacting the response can hit the 'response' button, the message will play and then that uncaring S.O.B can go do laundry or empty out her cat's litter box while the caller is screaming about how amazing it was to meet the President on the other end and the caller is non the wiser to the nonchalantness of their wayward, so-called friend.

I really want to test my friend's excitement levels by making up fake stories to see what kind of a response that I can get out of her...if any. If I get no response or one of dull boredom then my companion might possibly be a robot or a Decepticon of some sort.

"Oh my God! I was just blessed by the Pope! He is washing my feet right now! WITH HIS OWN HAIR!"

"I hope you can accept the charges, because I am calling you from the moon."

"My Ferrari just broke down on the side of the road and I need you to come pick me up, wait, someone just pulled over....holy crap it's The Edge from U2!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for the ride Mr. The Edge!!"

"How much heroin is too much heroin?"

"Apparently, my tweets are being broadcast thru space by one of NASA's new programs and my tweets have just made first contact with sentient alien beings.#firstcontactbitchachos"

Feel free to use any of the previous fraudulent statements to test on your compatriots to see if they are in need of the 'response machine'.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Do You KNOW Who You're F*cking With?!

On a recent trip to Florence I purchased, what is probably, a very overpriced leather motorcycle jacket. I am quite confident that my Italian leather coat was probably made by a Chinaman but an Italian guy stole it from the Chinaman thus making it Italian leather. Just watch the movie Gomorrah and you will see that I am right, per ususal.

The sales pitch is what really sold me on this jacket, though. First of all, the guy puts the coat on me and zips it for me, all old timey/gentlemanly like. He then shows me different ways in which I could wear this piece. Possibly, I could roll up the sleeves or I could zip it ALL the way up, All the way down, half-way zipped or (and this is where it gets crazy) zipped all the way up and with a scarf for the cold!!! This coat even comes with two zippers, that's TWO, DUE, DOS, 2, II ZIPPERS!!!! This master of merchants tells me that the first zipper is for when you are skinny and the second zipper is for when you are fat or "Before lunch, after lunch". Then, he starts to make some pretty bold claims. This guy tells me that my new coat is water proof AND fire proof! He takes out a lighter (like a f*cking ninja) and purposefully tries to set the jacket ON FIRE, thus proving the coat's insusceptibility to extreme heat. I replied thusly, "Great! This will come in handy during all the blazing infernos that I find myself in!!!!" My humor fell on deaf ears.

Here is the deal. If you are going to lie to me, LIE to me. Here are some lies that I would have preferred.


"Do you see these markings? Those are ancient runes that will provide a magical spell of protection over all who wear this jacket...it's also on sale."

"Have you ever heard of Joseph and the Technicolor dream coat? Well, this. is. that. coat."

"It's made out of dragon scales."

"The lining is not silk like most leather goods but mithril that was forged in Mount Doom."

"Do you watch the show, Sons of Anarchy?!"

"Ha! Neither do I!"

"Cops use this same material to deflect bullets."

"The ballistic capabilities of this coat are, as yet, untested. But, I'm pretty sure it could withstand a nuclear blast and the fall-out of the ensuring nuclear winter to follow."

"All who wear this mantel shall possess the power of Thor and rule 1,000 years (unchallenged) in Asgard."

"Last week, Lemmy, from Motorhead, came into the store and tried on this EXACT moto-jacket but he said, and I'm quoting him here, 'It's just TOO badass'."


"Do you KNOW who you're f*cking with?"

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

The Biblical Mystery of Coasters

The Bible teaches us that God created man from the earth and that man desired another partner or friend for his lonely existence on this planet. God gave man another human to couple with and that human was woman. Woman taught man many things like love, comfort and arguably deceit.

Unfortunately, she forgot to teach man how to use effing coasters.  Don't tell me they didn't have coasters in the Bible. Did you just place your goblet directly on the earth? Your grass would get watermarks from the chalice!!!! God opened man's eyes to his nakedness and exposed his heart to the home wares of Pier One. (Pretty sure that's what the Bible says, I'm no doctor) What kind of ungodly, furniture-ruining, Ikea-hating, monster would put their glasses AROUND the coaster but not on it? My eye is twitching and possibly hemorrhaging, as we speak, due to this home economics travesty.

I'm almost positive that God gave women menstrual cycles and pain during child birth NOT because she exposed man to sin but because she didn't teach him proper home management and coaster usage techniques. Society no longer exists in Biblical times and women have a lot more on their plates than house-hold management, babies, demon-snakes and questionable fruit choices. So, for the sake of my fragile sanity and all that is holy and good please, just use the damn coaster. Otherwise, you mock its very existence.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Thin Mints May Cause Toxic Shock Syndrome

Do you like music? What a dumb question. Do you like colors? Do you like food? Do you like fun? How about,  "do you like trip-hop?". That is a better, more specific query. Do you like to play guitar till the sun comes up and you get so lost that you forget that you needed to pee for the last two hours and your Gatorade Frost is not helping the situation? Of Course you like music! Do you like Girl Scout Cookies? Do you like Samoas? Does a dolphin shit in the sea? OF COURSE IT DOES!!!

Girl Scout Cookie season is upon us people!! The fact that these cookies have a "season" is nothing less than astounding. Is this the time of year when the Thin Mints are the most ripe? You have to mine for the Do See Do's so you need some of the snow to melt first before entering the cave entrance. Samoas are actually hydroponically grown in a bog just like cranberries, little known fact. The difficult thing about harvesting the Tagalongs is the fact that these sweet delights are grown high on trees and farmers have to send up specially trained spider monkeys to retrieve them from the tree tops. These monkeys are like the truffle pigs of desserts.

There is no need for these cookies to only be sold once a year for a month. The Girl Scouts are basically African diamond miners. There's plenty of diamonds for everyone but if you flood the market with diamonds then people will be all like, "Diamonds? Your mom wears diamonds!". It would be great if we could just buy conflict free Girl Scout cookies any time of year but, for now, that is just a dream and my Thin Mints will be covered in innocent blood...maybe I'm exaggerating...maybe.

The real point here is that I need someone to smuggle me some Girl Scout Cookies. There are no Girl Scouts in Italy, which is shocking; I know. If I don't get some sweet, sweet cookies into my veins my body WILL suffer toxic shock syndrome. Wait, I'm being told that toxic shock syndrome only occurs once you have left a tampon in for more than 24 hours. So, maybe not TSS but probably something similar and even more terrible will happen to my body if I go too long without these delicious delights.

Side note: Do NOT Google toxic shock syndrome...my eyes cannot unsee what they have seen. Just Google some adorable cat videos instead...and shipping prices on my Girl Scout cookies...

Saturday, January 3, 2015


Happy New Year! I wanted to wish you an Unhappy Old Year but that's in the past. Speaking of which, here are some hashtags that made my old year quite unhappy.

#blessed....because your benevolent god saw fit to just, simply bless you. Aren't you special. Every time something bad happens to me am I cursed? "I gained 10 pounds over the holidays!" #cursed

#nofilter...OMG you took a photo NOT on Instagram?! I am glad that you told me because I am going thru Instagram withdrawls.

#nomakeup...I wish this was the caption underneath my shitty passport photo. When will we be allowed to use Instagram for official photos? If someone had to indentify my body from an official photo no one would know who I was. They would only be familiar with my facebook and Instagram postings that contain numerous filters and an entire Clinique counter worth of make-up.

#cleaneating...WTF does that even mean?! As opposed to dirty eating? So, eating out of a dumpster ISN'T considered clean eating? What foods are clean and which ones are dirty? Am I on a kosher diet now?