Friday, April 24, 2015

"As Seen on this Blog"

As you may or may not know, I have a love/hate relationship with companies like Pampered Chef and Bed, Bath and Beyond. These businesses are constantly trying to sell things to the consumer that are both arbitrary and redundant. I try to live a minimalist life style; therefore, I don't need my kitchen to be bogged down by garlic presses, citrus juicers and apple corers. I do own a knife and a set of "hands" (patent pending) that have been working pretty well for the majority of my simple life.

However, I would love to own a machine that can shred chicken. Despite the fact that I own both a fork and a set of "hands" (patent pending), I just effing hate shredding chicken. If a recipe calls for shredded chicken I will usually cube the meat or just not make that stupid dish. Sadly, the majority of Mexican food calls for some kind of shredded meat and even sadder, I love Mexican food. So, you see my dilemma.

Things I hate include:

Navient Loans
Shredding Chicken

Can you put a chicken breast thru a paper shredder? Or maybe, a wood chipper would work better? I will be sending these questions off to my Research and Development (R&D) department. Product testing and consumer polling will take place shortly after the R&D phase. Be on the look out for the "Shredder" thru "As Seen on this Blog" not "As Seen on TV"...those people make garlic presses, and possibly war...but, definitely garlic presses.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

The Pampered Dude

Origami Owl
Pampered Chef
Passion Parties

Why are there no mail order parties for guys? I think I know why and the reason is this photo. This is why I am not invited to things...because I am a "bro". I think my new necklace is probably violating Origami Owl's (terms and conditions) and probably some State and Federal obscenity laws.

I blame the person who gave me the power to write my OWN "inscriptions". I am sure that fashion designer has now learned his/her lesson.

What wonderful obscenities would you inscribe on personalized jewelry and handbags?

Friday, April 3, 2015

Girl, That's a Weave (Doo or Dye)

During the baroque period, the wealthier peoples of western Europe wore wigs to disguise their unkempt hair. It seems silly in retrospect but only because the wigs were fashioned in the styles and tastes of the day. Ringlet curls were all the rage in Germany in the 1600's and even men wore long curly and very fake locks. Today there are three main groups of people who still wear wigs and even for these people the practice isn't really socially acceptable. Cancer patients wear wigs. Cancer patients need wigs but the new trend is to be proud no matter your circumstances and to not be ashamed of a disease that no one chooses for themselves. This is great. Older men wear wigs or toupees. People like Donald Trump can get away with the massive comb over but most other 'baldies' choose the toupee and again, most modern men simply go au natural. Bald is beautiful. Lastly, many African American women wear wigs or 'weaves'. These women choose to wear wigs for ease of styling. The natural fro is still my favorite hair style.

I for one am sick and tired of styling my freaking hair. If it was socially acceptable in our American culture for women to be bald I would be bald but for now I don't want people to think that I am a cancer patient 'poser'. That would be bad. I hate burning my hair with an IRON at temperatures reaching 500 degrees Fahrenheit, twisting my hair around an equally hot curling iron and then scorching my ears off and lastly spraying my newly styled quaff with a can of toxic fumes. Half my day is spent grooming my damn hair. Hours I could have spent more productively like watching E! News, making brownies that I will soon regret after I consume the entire tray of confections and trolling Facebook to mock those who didn't DO their hair!

Don't even get me started on how expensive it is to go to the salon. I haven't been to a salon, for my hair, in about a year. Although, I can understand why a women's haircut is $50 because doing anything to anyone's hair is freaking awful. I don't understand women who love to braid their friends hair, comb their hair, style their hair. You would have to pay me sooo much money to do that. Let's not even broach the subject of "men's haircuts" and why they are 1/4 the price of a simple women's hair cut....being a woman is expensive and often times in just.

I think that I will just start wearing wigs on my lazy days (aka everyday) and see if anyone notices. If they do, I will explain to them that I am just being, really retro, like 1600's Germany retro. Auf Wiedersehen bitches!