Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Make-up Tips!

Can someone please explain to me why every make-up company still produces blue eye shadow? Blue eye shadow has always been tacky. It was never popular. This powder is only useful on prostitutes and Halloween costumes (most of which are prostitute costumes). I wanted to make one of those 'flow chart memes' but that sounded like work, so instead, I have compiled a list of individuals who can pull of this bold look, in any season! People who are allowed to wear blue eye shadow are as follows:
Tammy Faye Baker (or just anyone named 'Tammy' for that matter)
Tim Curry in Rocky Horror Picture Show
Betty Boop
The clown from Stephen King's 'It'
Everyones' grandmother
Paula Deen
Barbie Dolls
Dolly Parton (She can do NO wrong!)
People who are forced to work at Walgreens
The entire cast of Steel Magnolias

If you don't find your name on this very short list then you should not be wearing blue eye shadow. Hope this helps! Be on the look out for more beauty tips! Next in  this fun series: Contouring, Not Just for the Face!

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Can I Be Your Familiar?

Forgive and Forget. This is something that I struggle with because, even though I can't seem to remember any of the SAT words or where I placed my keys, I can still remember everyone who owes me money and anyone who has ever wronged me.

I desperately need one of two things in my life right now, either, a vampire who can erase my memory and make me believe that I am a starting forward for the Pacers (I don't actually know what any of those words mean, I just put a bunch of sports words together so, feel free to correct me) OR that device from Men in Black that could permanently erase your memory. Either way, both methods would only be required to erase catty bullshit that women say to other women or write in text message or post on Facebook...because that's how petty I am. Hopefully, I would get a hot vampire to erase my mind or a young Will Smith to cancel those brain waves but I'm not picky.

Forgiving the repentant is easy but forgiving someone who is an asshole is another thing altogether. For this incredible feat, I would definitely require mythical or fantastical intervention. I can't do this on my own. I NEED  YOU WILL SMITH!!! I never thought I would need Will Smith so badly. Wait! What if, now stay with me here, what if, Will Smith (From MIB) were also a vampire?!!!! OMG I would be able to forget SO MUCH!!!

Ok, I will have my people get with Big Willy's people and see if he is interested in turning to the night as a permanent lifestyle choice. Then, I will become his PR person and together we will build a self-help empire based around memory loss! Or, women could just stop being bitches so that other women don't have to get their brains wiped clean from vampire, MIB, Will Smith. Do you see how confusing that could get? Seriously, just be nice to people, don't gossip and I promise you that vampire, MIB, Will Smith won't eat your brains. Jeez.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Life Is Too Short Not to Wear Crop Tops

In the late '90's crop tops were back in style. I think they were back from the 60's? Who knows? The crop top comes and goes as it pleases like a slutty Cheshire cat in the night.  Short sweater style tank tops, athletic wear crops and ripped up concert tees were the school uniform, at that time. I owned a few sweater and t-shirt style ones and I felt very grown up/badass while wearing my slightly shorter than normal blouse at the ripe old age of 15. Being 15 years old puts you on a very weird life cusp. You are not quite an adult, but you are most definitely not a child, either. Several adults in my life thought that the crop top was too revealing for teenage girls and had no place in Seventeen magazine whose main demographic was actually 13 year old girls. My crop top days were numbered.

Now, as an adult (I guess) this vertically challenged fashion statement is back! Finally, I am old enough to enjoy this sudden trend without fear of persecution! Wait! Now, I'm too old?!!!! Is 30 too old to bear a mid drift that has never born a child?  What was the right age? Did I miss it? How could that have happened? How can such a perennial fashion statement have such a small window of opportunity for the wearer? When CAN one wear a ripped tee? I believe the window is 2 years in college right before your last year and you get serious about your career and interviews and other grown up nonsense. Nothing says "professional business woman" quite like a torn, mid drift bearing, Radio Head shirt.

Life is too short not to wear crop tops. The window is too small, much like the blouse. (Do people say blouse? Pretty sure only my grandma says 'blouse') Show your weird belly button! Let me see those stretch marks! Wait, maybe not. Ok, who cares! Do WHAT YOU WANT! I don't know when belly buttons are age appropriate and I just don't care. I missed the window in college, didn't get enough time in high school and so, now I will let  my belly button be the star of the show! I wish I knew at 15 years old what I know now. But,then again, I have always known these truths. Be yourself, show some skin and curse whenever. The real difference is that no one can ground you and take away your phone privileges at 30. It's good to be 30, enjoy it.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Drugs Are Expensive

Cross fit gyms cost on average twice the monthly rate that a normal people gym does...whay?! It's just an industrial building with no heat or AC, no pool, no basketball courts or personal trainers and no employees. It's just a bunch of tetanus covered refuse found in a junk yard and then thrown into a warehouse. Here ya go! Here's an old tire, lift it. Here are some heavy frayed ropes, shake them. Here are some bricks, also lift them. Now, give us $125. Also, we don't have towels or water. Thank you, come again!

I'm thinking about opening up my own Cross fit gym in the old abandoned Albertson's grocery store by my parents house. Overhead seems pretty low.

Rent= free, cuz I straight stole the place
Employees= also straight free because I either don't need any OR I will start hiring the hobos who already live in the Albertsons's
Utilities= None, bring your own shit! What? Does this LOOK like a Gold's Gym to you?
Machines/Exercise Equipment= Luckily, Albertsons left some of their crap behind so people can just lift old refrigerators, push deep freezers around and toss dilapidated cash registers back and forth

What will THIS Cross fit gym offer that others can't? You ask? Mostly drugs. Many other exercise facilities would frown upon steroid use and other performance enhancing drugs. Here at Albertson's Cross Fit we still have a "somewhat" stocked pharmacy and plenty of lock cutters. Our homeless employees will be your personal pushers of fitness glory!

I foresee this gym ending in a "Breaking Bad" type scenario but not before Albertson's sues over defamation of character. Maybe this is exactly why all other Cross fit gyms are so expensive? They need to pay off the feds, be able to afford great defense attorneys and obviously, buy drugs. Drugs are expensive.