Saturday, January 30, 2016

Horseketball and Other Terrible Ideas



Meme making mood today. Seriously though, this is a real fucking sport. It's called "skijoring" pronounced "ski yoring". Apparently, someone in Sweden thought to themselves, "Hmm, skiing down a cliff face in sub-zero temperatures at break-neck speeds just isn't dangerous enough, how can I make it more terrifying? I know! Let's add horses!"

This really causes one to stop and think for a moment. What other sports could benefit from the addition of horses? Horse hockey? Horseketball? Horsoccer (pretty sure that's polo)? I think I would vote for Horse Ultimate Frisbee or Ultimate Horsebee (We haven't decided on an official name yet). I challenge you (dear internet troll) to create an insignia for Ultimate Horsebee. I will get to work on the official rule book. Also, if the sport really takes off and we have to add a women's division (Women's Ultimate Horsebee) are the humans all women or the horses all women? Both? Mixed gender horses and human females? Feminism is hard sometimes you guys.  Have I mentioned that I don't know anything about sports? Or, is that painfully obvious?



Thursday, January 28, 2016

Nails: A Gateway Drug

Any time I see someone with super long nails, I be like...



That's way too much cocaine...that's more than a "sample" size amount.


Saturday, January 16, 2016

INGREDIENTS LIST

Food blogs are trending, mommy blogs are trending, this blog is not trending. This blog is not trending because it is neither a 'mommy blog' nor a 'food blog', with that being said, let's talk about food blogs, shall we?

First of all, I hate food blogs. I love the recipes, I love the food but I hate the writing. JUST GIVE ME A GODDAMN INGREDIENTS LIST. No, these writers force you to scroll thru miles of paragraphs about what kind of foods the family likes/dislikes, how the recipe was created, whether or not this recipe is considered party food, weeknight meals, blah, blah, blah. I don't care about your stupid family (because I am a terrible person), or that your grandma created the dish back in the 1950's and you've just tweaked it (I don't care about your dead grandma, because I am a terrible person) I don't need someone telling me if something is party food or not. You know what constitutes party food? Hosting a party and putting food out, that food is now party food because it is food at a party. That is the very definition of party food. I am so hungry, why am I reading about your day to day life when I could be at the grocery store buying things from an INGREDIENTS LIST.



Secondly, the pictures are just plain asinine. I know how to boil potatoes; I don't need a picture of potatoes boiling. I know how to chop shit. I don't need a photo of your hands chopping shit. I NEED AN INGREDIENTS LIST and I am still scrolling thru the endless amounts of bullshit. At this point, I am just so hungry that I have already ordered pizza but I can't wait long enough for the pizza guy to arrive so I have started to concoct an ungodly meal based on the desolate wasteland also known as my pantry. This God forsaken fuel is a combination of orange tic-tacs, stale flour tortillas, Craisins and a package of Big League Chew. You did this to me food blog! (you did this to me). Sometimes I do care about the bloggers life and those are the times that I will sit in my pajamas/work-out clothes and watch your show. If I visit your blog, it is solely for sustenance purposes.



Lastly, if you tell me to 're-hydrate' something like say raisins, here is what happens to my brain.
 (DIE HARD 2 LEVEL EXPLOSIONS USING C-4!!!!) Because you know what 're-hydrated' raisins are? GRAPES!!! Re-hydrated prunes? PLUMS! Re-hydrated porcini mushrooms? FUCKING MUSHROOMS! Luckily, non of this angers me and I stay totally calm and rational and I don't eat an entire of box of Ritz crackers and Nutella beause that's all that's left in my house. Nope. That would be highly irrational.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Xtreme Vacationing (Transylvania Edition)


Relaxation is not something that I am good at. Wait, let me take that back. I am amazing at relaxation. Netflix is my bitch. My couch is a trusty steed. Cookie scented Yankee Candles are all up in this! However, when it comes to vacations I just forget how to chill.

I am not capable of just going to a Sandals resort or sailing the Caribbean on a cruise like normal people. I see vacations as some kind of a challenge. Vacations are my adventures. Every single vacation has to involve vomiting (at least once) some sort of misery mobile i.e. murder bus, death train thru the desert, hell metro, etc. My leisure time should also include extreme spots with minor injuries, narrowly escaping a shanking and usually witnessing some sort of prostitution or obscene public act.

Holidays are for spas, family time and mild sight seeing. My holiday is for throwing up in a Romanian night club, heat stroke, ingesting "medications", living in squalor at hostels and befriending Russian punks.

Extended breaks leave me exhausted, penniless and hungover. Yet, I would happily hop back on the murder bus and do it all over again. I don't know what exactly is wrong with me but if I did I don't think I would want to fix it.

I have uploaded two short videos (for your amusement) that perfectly showcase the antithesis of relaxation. Hiking up mystery mountain in Transylvania....I'm pretty sure that last phrase was a tagline to some B level horror movie.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zI08WywgXiE



video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNlr4VNtfoY

video

Friday, January 1, 2016

The Force Awakens Review (no spoilers)

I called my family on Christmas Day and while making small talk with my dad I asked him if he had seen the new Star Wars movie yet and this was his response.

Dad ,"Ya I saw it. It was ok."
Me, "What?! I thought it was great!"
Dad, "Well, I just thought that after all these years Chewie would have learned at least a few words of English. But no, still just  'Aaaaaaaaargh, aaaargh, argh'".

Chewbaccas lack of English language mastery was enough to ruin Star Wars for my dad. So, I guess don't go see it. It sucked.