Saturday, July 16, 2016

Fall-Guy Model

Life is too short not to wear crop tops. I finally purchased a crop top for the summer and I had to buy it in the 'Juniors' section of my local department store which immediately tells me that I am too old for such half-shirts but I just don't friggin' care ya'll. It's hot outside and this top is SUPER CUTE! Also, wearing a short shirt is a real ab work out, like, you gotta suck it in at all times. Whew! So, for that reason, I consider all crop tops to be athletic wear.

My husband was also very eager to jump on this trend, and by "very eager" I mean, I forced him to ruin one of his shirts for the comedic purposes of this demented blog. You know how there are certain 'types' of models? Runway models, athletic models, plus-size models and on and on goes this list of categorizing the human form. I think there should be a new category for models who are willing to do anything and look stupid doing it. Like, purposefully dumb. No one else is willing to look this dumb. We could call them 'Fall-Guy Models'. We all need a good fall-guy once in a while, someone who is willing to do the asinine.

I think my husband would be a great 'Fall-Guy Model' and not because he's stupid but rather because he truly believes that he looks fucking amazing in any form, wearing almost anything, while performing the stupidest of actions. I have never seen him embarrassed by anything. If you have ever seen the men's fashion at Zara then you know exactly what I am talking about. Who, in his right mind, would wear this crap? Let alone model it? Have you ever overheard a man say, "Hmmm, this button-down is great and all but it could really be improved by a graphic, detailing hordes of flamingos wearing sunglasses and drinking mai tais....also, pink glitter thread and gold buttons." No, you have never heard a man say that. What I am trying to say here is that Zara should hire my spouse as a 'Fall-Guy Model' for their men's spring collection. Sadly, Zara does not tailor clothes for the 6'3" dad bod but only the 5'3" Elvin hipster.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Taste the Rainbow, Bitch

Have you noticed that everyone you know or love has become some kind of specialist or expert on health/fitness and just life in general with absolutely NO credentials? I cannot leave my home or enter the information superhighway without being blasted with, "Sodas are bad for you!", "They contain a BILLION packets of sugar!!!"."You eat pre-packeged, manufactured foods?!! Oh my GOD, do you want to DIE?!!!!".  Let me explain a fun way of dealing with these people.

Years ago, I had a good friend who LOVED it when telemarketers would call the house. He would answer the phone and the telemarketer would launch into the incredible opportunity that awaited this random home owner. My friend would immediately reply, "WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! THIS IS AMAZING!!! YOU CHOSE ME!!! SHARON GET IN HERE! *click*. Mid sentence and through the excitement, he would hang up on the telemarketer. This process was a joy to watch and has helped me deal with stupidity throughout my life. It's very easy to get angry at things like this, but ultimately you can't stop stupidity or annoyances so, why not have fun with it?

Now, telling me that sodas are bad for you is akin to informing me about the dangers of smoking. It is not a mystery that smoking is terrible for you. I see people smoking everyday and feel no need to inform them of the risks involved with smoking. These smokers are adults and are making an informed adult decision. So, when someone 'enlightens' me about the sugar content of sodas, I reply thusly, "WHAT?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!!! NO ONE HAS EVER TOLD ME THIS BEFORE IN MY LIFE!!!! HOW LONG HAVE WE KNOWN?!!! DO OTHERS KNOW ABOUT THIS EPIDEMIC?!!!!!" Then, I slowly and calmly just fade away into the dark like Batman.

Here is another example. Buzz Kill: "How can you put processed foods into your body?" Me: "YOU TOLD ME TO MAKE MY DIET MORE COLORFUL SO NOW I ONLY EAT SKITTLES AND CHEETOS!!!! TASTE THE RAINBOW BITCH."

I hope this has helped. Now get out there and let's have some good old-fashioned fun! How do you deal with these Buzz Kills? I am open to new techniques.