Planet of the Apes

A recent study found that when monkeys groom each other it releases endorphins and all sorts of happy feelings in the monkeys. I believe that this is also true for humans as well.

As a female, there are certain things that I understand about my sex and yet other things that allude me. Men and women purchase things based on very differing criteria. Women base most of their purchasing decisions on what looks good and makes them feel good. Men purchase based on what they absolutely need and most other things are superfluous. Now, keep in mind; men will purchase speed boats and electric guitars that they don't actually need but when they do make those purchases they base their decision on brands and models not by aesthetics but by function over form. When women make these purchasing decisions they do so based on appearances or form over function.

With that being said let's get back to those adorable poop slinging monkeys! I have never understood why women go to salons to pay $100 for their hair to be colored when they can do it at home for $4 and probably do a better job than the actual stylist. Why get a manicure when you can paint your nails at home for the price of the nail polish? Why pay for a massage when your husband/significant other will do it for the price of a blow job? caveat - I'm pretty sure that is also prostitution but I won't tell if you don't.

The bottom line is this: When a woman goes to a salon, she isn't going there to get her hair colored or her nails done. She's going there and paying money because it makes her feel good. It's not necessarily about the end result but more so about the experience and those relaxing endorphins that come with it.

I still can't say that I agree with spending that much money at a salon but at least I can now say that I understand it.

And in an effort to save money and time, I will be purchasing a chimp to do all my grooming; not for free but for a few bananas.

Things That Go Poop In The Night

When we were children, we thought as children and played as children but as adults we must put away childish things. In reality, I wish we could all just stay as children forever. Don't get me wrong, children have lots of problems but they change as we get older. As a child I had nightmares almost every night of being torn to bits by Freddy Krueger; now my nightmares consist of me giving birth to twins and being audited.  Can I go back to the Freddy Krueger dreams? They were a lot less terrifying.

The Perfect Pet

Dogs are great but they require a lot of attention. Cats are terrible for numerous reasons but at least they don't require a lot of affection so they are the perfect 'vacation pet'. Lizards, birds and fish are pretty much only good to look at. Basically, I don't understand anyone who buys a reptile or fowl. It's like hey, why don't you just buy a pretty picture? It also looks cool but won't poop, bite or die.

 Let me tell you about the pet that has all the good qualities of all of these animals combined. The sloth! It is cool to look at. It doesn't require any real attention. But, when you are in a cuddly mood, the sloth will gently hug you while blessing you with its simple smile. It can live in an apartment or a large house. You can just leave it hanging on your shower rod! It is great with kids and adults. You can feed it nuts, dried fruit or fresh fruits and berries. Sloths don't really shed that much at all and they don't make any noise. Now, set your face to stun for the best part...the sloth...only...poops...every...two weeks at the exact same time; in the exact same place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Perfect 'vacation pet'-check.

 My new business model will be selling designer sloths to celebrities. They can hang off their arms on the red carpet...fabulous/adorable.

The Insignificant Other

In the age of frenemies, fuck buddies and mutual understandings there arises a new relational juxtaposition. The Insignificant Other. For years, humans have been invited to social gatherings and were encouraged to bring their, "significant others". These significant others were people in their lives that meant something to each other. They were willing to give their "relationship" a title. They were committed to one another, boyfriend or girlfriend, fiance, husband, wife or even a best friend. For some reason society is now afraid of commitment and titles. Perhaps those things just carry too much weight. We've all been burned before. The current percent of failed marriages in America is 50%. Perhaps, we are afraid of failure? Well, America, it's time to put on your big girl panties. Life is hard and failure is inevitable. At some point in time, in any of our lives; we will fail at something. But, more often than not, life and relationships are worth the risk and if someone in your life isn't even willing to take a chance on you then they aren't worth your time. If they refuse to go to social gatherings with you or, on an even more insignificant realm, be in a relationship with you in a digital format such as facebook; this person might be your insignificant other. Don't be insignificant. Be significant.

Target Is The Opiate Of The Masses...Or At Least It's The Supplier

Walter White, er, I mean TARGET has apparently turned into Scar face. Basically, it's cyclical. You want to shop at Target because their stuff is adorable but it's kinda pricey. You need a coupon. The only way to obtain coupons is through prescription drug refills, at the Target pharmacy. In order to get more coupons, you need to be sicker to get more refills or you need to get hooked on something. The more drugs you get, the more coupons you get for t-shirts with cute owls on them, that will probably fall apart in the washer a week later...success.

Amateur Photography, You're Doing It Wrong

This is directed at no one in particular but, with that being said; you know who you are. As a musician and human being I've worked with a lot of photographers. Some were good and some were terrible. The difference is this. Owning a good camera does not make you an artist. A true artist does not show up to a gig and say, "Ok guys, what do you want me to do here?" And then on top of that have NO ideas of there own, to speak of. I'm not talking about just getting input or feedback I'm talking about not having a clue. I just highly doubt that photographers for Victoria's Secret or Playboy show up and then proceed to ask the dumb-ass models, "Ok models, what do you want me to do? Any ideas? I hope you guys brought stuff for the set." The same could be said for a National Geographic photographer. "Ok, whales, start doing some whale stuff because I am fresh out of ideas." And then proceed to ask the whales if, "That's what they were going for." Side note. Whales are ALWAYS concerned about their fins looking too big; such divas, but I digress. Look I'm not asking for Annie Leibovitz here. I'm just tired of playing photographer and model on these shoots. If that's how it's gonna be how about you hand me the camera, go get some lunch, and you will save a lot of time and I will save a lot of money.

Time Lords

Dr. Who is a time lord. Someone who has the ability to travel through time and even bend it to his or her own will. It can be difficult to spot a time lord because they could show up in any place at any time. There was a time before photographs, the written word and even language itself; but as long as there has been man there has been art. Visual art and song both pre-date the written word and the spoken. So, in order to accurately spot a time lord one must look to art. This is the language of the ages. I recently traveled to my local art museum where I encountered many a time lord. I encountered an ancient Jamie Fox Buda sculpture from India (photo to come). I also stumbled upon Edward Norton in an oil painting as a 17th century British milk maid (photo to follow). But what I am about to show you will make you question everything you know about the space time continuum. Exhibit A:

15th century oil on canvas of a music festival; innocent enough but upon further inspection we find... Exhibit B:

Look me in the eye ball and tell me that is not an ancient Mac Book Pro=TIME LORD.