Variations on a Theme

Thru-out the ages there has always been dance and like any fashionable activity there has also been dance crazes. Dance phenomenon such as the jitterbug, two-step, tootsie roll, electric slide, tangos, waltzes and so much more. There is a popular dance for just about every style of music and dance you can think of...except for one...interpretive dance. This country needs an interpretive dance craze.

I would like to start this craze. So the next time you see me at the club on the floor, covered in oil while acting out the birth of the human conscienceness to the piece "Baby Got Back" don't be surprised. It's just the latest dance craze sweeping the nation one pair of leg warmers at a time!

Cuba Libre!!

Last December I sailed the high seas of the caribbean for my friend's wedding.But I had bigger dreams than nuptiuals, awkward speeches and midnight buffets; I wanted to take over Cuba. I wanted to prove that a small boat full of white people could take over a country inhabited by millions of ethnic peoples within a few weeks or months. Does this make me racist you ask? No. It makes me a pro-active historian/anthropologist and , with my research, I could help future native peoples to stave off white invasions.

I made several attempts to take over Cuba but ultimately I couldn't get the power of the crew (i.e. other wedding guests) behind me. During our fancy dinners at night the captain of the ship was often at this feasting. I called for a coupe. He was unarmed, un-maned and would never have seen it coming! My plan was to create a diversion by getting one of the groomsmen to take over the band and start playiing "cop killer" on casio keyboard while I would put the captain in a krav maga hold and then declare myself the new captain. Clearly these groomsmen were total pussies/didn't know all the words to "cop killer". My second failed attempt was to call on a full-on mutiny in protest of the terrible chocolate lava cake that was served at literally every dinner. I mean how can you mess up lava cake? It was the best thing on the menu and it was a let down every time I or anyone else ordered it?! But, I digress. My third and final attempt was to get all crew members and passengers to one side of the boat (port) in order to force the ship towards Cuba.

In hindsigt, wedding guests and 50-yr.-old, Hawaiian shirt wearing, Jimmy Buffet enthusiasts were not the best crew members for a future pirate ship/Cuban settlers. If you or anyone you know can find a way to take over Cuba let me know and my tri-pointed hat off to you sir or madaam.

-True story...of fantasy

Dear Texas,

All my life I have been trying to escape cowboy boots, country music, trucks and Mexican food. Now, I am in a place that is devoid of all these things but also devoid of all the things that make Texas great. These things include but are not limited to: a freeway system that was NOT created by a meth addicted monkey; a ghetto that includes interesting ethnic graffiti NOT prostitution on a Tuesday at 2pm; a hip music/dance club on every corner NOT a place called the Thirsty Camel; Wal-Mart's that stay open past midnight; an air force base NOT a naval base full of seadogs; book stores; music stores; (apparently no one here can read or play)

Sorry Virginia, I hate to rag on you this much and maybe you're not really that bad? I'm being unfair comparing you to Texas. Doing that is like comparing a Klondike bar to crème brulee made in France. I still love Klondike bars; there's just no comparison the only thing that is binding these two confectionaries is the fact that they are both desserts. The only thing that is binding Texas to Virginia is the fact that they are both states...oh wait...Virginia is a commonwealth not even a state! Un-American, if you ask me.

The Land that Time Forgot

The other day I was at the park and I tried to buy a popsicle from an ice cream stand however, the stand only accepted cash and I only had a card, to which I replied, "What is this 1956 over here? Have we gone to the moon yet?" In reality, I am the one who is living in 1956 because I have not had the internet at my apartment since December. It's a long story but that's why I haven't posted anything on here in ages. Being without the internet makes me feel like a peasant girl living in the dark ages. I have to accept what people say as the truth since I cannot look up actual facts on the internet. I have to call people on the phone in order to make plans instead of sending an email. It is a nightmare but I do exaggerate.

What's in a Name?

I have discovered that the U.S. Navy will call just about anything a ship or a boat. It doesn't actually have to be a ship or a boat; no that is just a mere formality to the Navy because whatever they say goes! For instance, my fiance (who is in the Navy) told me that the barracks, where they lived during basic training were referred to as 'ships' despite the fact they were not ships and were not even located near a body of water. I love this idea of absolute power and unquestionable authority. To be so powerful as to convince your subordinates into calling items other than ships ships without dissent.

It's like being a child again and believing everthing your parents tell you to be true. I once convinced my little brother that I was 18 years old when I was 10. He didn't figure this out until my mom told him otherwise after he asked her why I couldn't just drive to the store to get him something because I was old enough to drive.

Lies like these don't just happen with the military and families but with the public at large. The Real Housewives of Atlanta are neither housewives nor real yet we totally accept this title. There are 5 women on this show and only one of them is actually married. Also, none of them stay at home; they all have careers. They are also not real in any way shape or form. Their boobs are fake, their hair is fake, their nails are fake and their talent is fake. They are probably one "fake" away from being cyborgs. No one should ever tell these women about SkyNet for fear of them becoming selfaware.

Another misnomer are things that are deemed "homemade" by restaurants. If you are making something outside of an actual home there is absolutely no way that it can be considered homemade. Maybe you could call something homemade if you convinced one of your employees to actually live at said restaurant thus making it their home thus making any items cooked there "homemade". That is the only loophole I can see there.

These are all names that we, as a society, just accept for some reason and for that reason I think that I will just start renaming things and damnit you better accept them as Gospel!

What all these names have in common is the fact that they are all trying to be better than the actual product, as to confuse the consumer, so this is the rule that I will follow in my renaming.

Things that I have renamed:
1. IKEA = FOTT = Funiture of Thunderous Thor!
2. Jay Leno = Conan O'Brien
3. Sarah Palin's Going Rogue = The Bible
4. Cats = Dogs
5. Mcdonalds' = McGreatForYou
6. Jim Belushi = John Belushi
7. Fox News = NPR
8. Culinary Arts School = Harvard
9. Lady GaGa = The Beatles
10.The Nintendo Wii = The Gym

Now you can tell all your friends about how funny Conan was last night when you were studying for that really hard test at Harvard about the cultural relevance of the Bible. But, we know better...don't we.

Tuten-Christem

The Shroud of Turin caused a veritable media storm during the 80's and 90's. People were fasinated by a piece of cloth that might have literally touched the face of God. Finally, Jesus didn't appear on a piece of toast or another pastry or breakfast item for that matter, but something significant; plausable. After much scientific research it was concluded that this, albeit ancient article of cloth, was most likely a fake. Carbon dating was done and it appeared that the cloth was not old enough to have existed when Christ was calculated to have died. Mystery still shrouds this shroud and many still believe that it was the holy cloth that the Christ was buried in at the time of his demise.

But I think I have a better idea as to how Christ was prepared for his tomb. I recently took a trip to the Chicago Field Museum of Natural History. You might remember this museum from the movie Night at the Museum. I was walking through the Egyptian exhibit when a small, about 8 year old girl, pointed to a mummy and then asked her parents, "Is that how they wrapped up Jesus?" It took all of my will power to not start laughing at this child's innocent and adorable question. The idea of Christ as a mummy is hilarious. Her parents were chuckling a little but they didn't want to burst her bubble so they told her maybe, who really knows? In a way, a completely ridiculous and unresearched way, the mummy theory makes sense. Jesus rose from the dead just like mummies are supposed to live forever in the afterlife. The mummies never really died because we still discuss them, look at them in museums and interact with their lives and lifestyles. Christ also never died in our hearts and minds.

Candy Coma

In the very late eighties and thru the early ninities, for just one night a year, I was a trick or treater. As a child I didn't have a lot of freedoms, but then again, what child does have a lot of freedoms? Halloween was the the one time a year that pre-pubesant youths could rally together in the name of, vandalism, terror and above all else sugar. This was the one time you could say "F*ck it all! Tonight (with absolutely no formal training in the martial arts) I am a ninja and I will feast upon the sweetest of fare along side my comrades in mischief!" Halloween allowed kids to dress the way that they felt on the inside, watch rated-R movies until the sun came up and consume enough candy to jumpstart their adult-onset diabetes.

But, alas these days are over. I teach about 20 private music lessons to kids during the week and I asked them all how their Halloween went. They all said that they had a good time but I was horrified when I learned that their parents were keeping the kids' hard earned candy from them?! Apparently, the new trend in Dr. Spock/Atkin's Diet inspired parenting is to take all the candy from the child and only allow him or her a single piece everyday after Halloween until the candy is all gone. This is blasphemy! This ranks up there with saying "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas".

I strongly urge all Americans (12 and under please) to rise up against your middle aged oppressors and take back what is rightfully yours! Grasp Halloween by the malted-milk balls and make it your b*tch! If kids can't have Halloween, what do they have? Nothing! To truly experience Halloween you must eat enough candy, in one sitting, to throw-up until you never want to see candy again until next Halloween. Not doing so, is to never know Halloween. It's like going to college and never doing a keg-stand! Who cares about your 4.0GPA, we want to see the keg-stand! So, remember kids on Halloween you own the night!