Amateur Photography, You're Doing It Wrong

This is directed at no one in particular but, with that being said; you know who you are. As a musician and human being I've worked with a lot of photographers. Some were good and some were terrible. The difference is this. Owning a good camera does not make you an artist. A true artist does not show up to a gig and say, "Ok guys, what do you want me to do here?" And then on top of that have NO ideas of there own, to speak of. I'm not talking about just getting input or feedback I'm talking about not having a clue. I just highly doubt that photographers for Victoria's Secret or Playboy show up and then proceed to ask the dumb-ass models, "Ok models, what do you want me to do? Any ideas? I hope you guys brought stuff for the set." The same could be said for a National Geographic photographer. "Ok, whales, start doing some whale stuff because I am fresh out of ideas." And then proceed to ask the whales if, "That's what they were going for." Side note. Whales are ALWAYS concerned about their fins looking too big; such divas, but I digress. Look I'm not asking for Annie Leibovitz here. I'm just tired of playing photographer and model on these shoots. If that's how it's gonna be how about you hand me the camera, go get some lunch, and you will save a lot of time and I will save a lot of money.

Time Lords

Dr. Who is a time lord. Someone who has the ability to travel through time and even bend it to his or her own will. It can be difficult to spot a time lord because they could show up in any place at any time. There was a time before photographs, the written word and even language itself; but as long as there has been man there has been art. Visual art and song both pre-date the written word and the spoken. So, in order to accurately spot a time lord one must look to art. This is the language of the ages. I recently traveled to my local art museum where I encountered many a time lord. I encountered an ancient Jamie Fox Buda sculpture from India (photo to come). I also stumbled upon Edward Norton in an oil painting as a 17th century British milk maid (photo to follow). But what I am about to show you will make you question everything you know about the space time continuum. Exhibit A:

15th century oil on canvas of a music festival; innocent enough but upon further inspection we find... Exhibit B:

Look me in the eye ball and tell me that is not an ancient Mac Book Pro=TIME LORD.

Fifty Shades of Blonde

I am all for sex equality and that goes both ways...sometimes 3...sometimes back and forth. Man, sex and gender are confusing these days. In any case, I have been noticing some gender inequality as of late and no I am not talking about contraceptives being back in the media as if it's the 1950's all over again. That is definitely sexism against women but today I am talking about our male cohorts. For some reason, it is perfectly ok for a woman to pick up "Fifty Shades of Grey" in any Target and read it at said Target or the grocery store, a library, a church, a doctor's office, on a plane, on a train or in a coffee shop. Whew, I almost Dr. Seuss-ed myself there; that was a close one. This book is literary smut. Let me qualify that statement by saying I definitely don't judge anyone for reading it; that's not the point I'm trying to make here but what I am trying to say is this: Why can't a man read a playboy in public? Why can't he buy them at Target or check out the latest issue at his local library? Why is he made to feel like some sex offender for buying one? I understand that it is a lot easier for a kid to see the pictures in a playboy than to read a novel at a newsstand but either way kids are gonna see/read about sex and honestly a Play Boy is a lot classier than 99% of pictures and videos out there on the inter-webs. And yes, your kids are on the internet looking at naked people. Deal with it. I actually think it's pretty funny and quite possibly great that women have romance novels and movies like "Magic Mike". Women can finally be proud of their sexuality and celebrate their desires in a healthy way. I think we should offer those same rights to men and not make them feel like predators...lest they become as such. I for one will keep my copy of "Fifty Shades of Grey" right where it belongs, next to my husbands Playboy collection.

Art Camp and Horses

This is an actual sign that I encountered in Chesapeake,Virginia. Problems with this poster are vast but I will cover the three

major problems. Problem 1: If this is an advertisement for an "art" class; then why is the art on said poster so shitty? Problem 2: Have you ever seen a yellow horse? Clearly, these people don't know anything about horses. 3: WTF! Will I be learning about art while on a horse? Or is this a class on equestrian art only? Or are the horses drawing us? So many questions, so little time; perhaps I will call this number...

How To Survive an Alien Apocalypse...

...Be a chubster. There are no chubby/fat people in any science fiction movies...ever. Therefore, the only people who die/give live birth to extraterrestrial offspring via unwanted interior cesarean are "Kate Moss" level skinny people. Examples. Sigourney Weaver (Ripley-Alien), Natalie Portman (Star Wars), any given Star Trek character, Robots in Blade Runner, Total Recall, The Fifth Element, Event Horizon, Predator, Independence Day, Battleship, Starship Troopers, the list goes on and on and basically the skinny people die but some of them live as well. Either way, you never see any fat people in sci-fi; therefore, nothing extraordinary happens to them, good or bad. As much as I would love to be "Kate Moss" skinny I enjoy being alive without an alien popping out of my chest much more. So I say, "F*ck you aliens as I eat this entire bag of cheetos!" Also, our star-born brethren usually have some terrestrial weaknesses such as disease (War of the Worlds), water (Signs), sunlight (Battleship)but perhaps their true weakness is cellulite. If aliens ever strike, the fatties will reign supreme and have to repopulate the earth...just more cushion for the pushin'.

Urban Spoon

Their is a website called urban spoon

that gives ratings on local restaurants. These ratings are posted by individuals that have actually eaten at these establishments and these patrons give critiques based upon cleanliness, taste and price. Usually, this works out pretty well but it never really works that well for ethnic food and let me tell you why. Ethnic peoples are not usually the ones rating them. For example: my favorite Indian restaurant got a poor rating for being too spicy and expensive. Uh, hello? It's Indian food, it's supposed to be spicy and yeah, bone in goat can be a little pricey. Have you ever seen goat in the supermarket? I don't think so. Therefore, I suggest a new rating system which will include a white person rating and a corresponding minority rating. For example: White people give Rajput a 40% and $$$; Indian diners gave Rajput a 95% and $$. This tells me two things: 1, I will probably love Rajput and 2, I should probably never bring my white parents there.

Adoption

What are the rules and regulations on adoption? Is there an age limit? Because I am currently very interested in adopting a 32-year-old, bald man. He would help me pay rent and he would be a dependent on taxes so we would get a pretty sweet break. He needs a good home and a loving family which is a situation I could provide. It's a win win, really.