How to Win at the Olympics part II

Men's/ Women's Short Track: If this team event of speed skating wasn't dangerous enough for you let's add another element. Spikes to the skates. Just like in ancient times of yore, adding spikes to your chariot wheels guaranteed your win and the blood of your enemies! After you have tripped all your other competitors with your skate spikes be sure to thank me at the podium right after you yell, "FOR ROME!"

Ice Dancing: This is a tricky one since you technically aren't even in a sport here. Usually, you can't wear tutus or bow ties in sports but I will humor you. The difficulty here is the fact that you aren't going face to face against the competition but rather taking turns ( lame I know but we must look past this). The only way to win is to leave shitty ice for the next couple. The night before drink NOTHING but water. The day of, drink nothing but water. During the performance pee every chance you get. Your clear undetectable urine will freeze onto the ice thus creating little hills all over the surface of the ice. When your rivals enter the rink they will trip and fall all over your piss mountains. With any luck, one such fall will be during a lift causing the woman to go flying into the stands and decapitating one of the judges. This couple will then be taken out of the competition and banned from figure skating for eternity.

Moguls: Winning in this sport is going to cost you an arm and a leg but honestly two legs; no arm. 2 years in advance you will need to travel to the Czech-Republic for a new, elective surgery called the Dr. Moreau. Both of your legs will be sliced off and kangaroo legs will be put in their place. After the surgery you will have to undergo some physical therapy but the pay off will be the capability to literally jump over the competition. Or foot punch them in the face with skis on it's up to you. I really just wanted to give some freedom of choice in this one.

Every two years I have to reiterate to people that the Winter Olympics are just far more superior to the summer games. Every sport is in harsh frigid conditions, there is always an element of death and your partner is more often than not a f*cking mountain!

Oh you swam? You ran in a circle? You jumped over some stuff? You hit a ball? I flew off Mount Doom at 70 mph, in my underoos  and suffered frost bite! Be a man and get some skis!

Prune Juice the Dr. Who of Juices

Which came first the chicken or the egg? Creationism or evolution? Can we really be sure? I say thee nay! I give you prune juice!

How does one juice a fruit that has already been dried out? Is there any juice left at all and if so how many plums are needed to make just one cup of prune juice? There are about 40 individual grapes in just one cup of grape juice. A plum is about 4 times the size of a large purple grape which should equal 10 plumes per glass of "plum" juice or 40 prunes to one cup of prune juice. Holy urinary tract infection batman that is a lot of fucking prunes! And, keep in mind that this is only a rough estimate.

I think the bigger question here is why is there no plum juice? There's plum wine but no juice? Only prune juice?! That would be like if there was no such thing as grape juice, only raisin juice. Gross. No cranberry juice only craisin juice. I just don't understand it. I think the only "real" explanation is that Dr. Who has brought some plums from the future and once exiting the tardis they immediately aged but they became an instant hit with the people of earth regardless because they belonged to the Dr. and his "prune juice" also offers us, mere mortals, with just a bit of his anti-aging properties thru these ancient plums...or at least that is the best explanation I can come up with.

Just when you think the universe is all out of mysteries, it hands you effing prune juice.

One of These Things Is EXACTLY Like the Other

Remember the Volcano taco from Taco Bell? Oh, you don't? Hmm, you must have a day job and respect for yourself. Good for you! But, for the rest of us; we remember.

Recently, Taco Bell has come out with the Doritos Locos Fiery Taco. I had it just last week. And, it is the Volcano taco. One can only assume that the volcano taco was a poor seller; the shells were about to go bad, so they had to re-market this fiery staple.

I wonder if this style of re-branding could work for the rest of us?
Allow me to introduce you to my Doritos Locos Mustang coupe! It only has 160,000 miles on it and this is the third time it has been re-posted to Craig's List.

The new Doritos Locos Miley Cyrus! The same Miley Cyrus but with half the hair and 100% more flesh colored latex. She is also located on the .99 cents menu.

Burn.

This Battle Station Is Now The Ultimate Power In The Universe

The internet is now the most powerful educational tool in the solar system and yet it's primary function is buying out of print DVD's on Amazon, "pinning" clothes you can never afford for a body you will never own onto Pinterest, checking up on your bff from summer camp circa 1996 or was it '97? Who can remember? Memories!!!!!!!!!, checking your bank account every 5 minutes to make sure that no one has stolen your identity and the obvious...cat videos.

Now before you rush to judgement, the answer is yes. Yes, I perform all of the aforementioned activities. But, I am trying to balance out the bull shit. For every bull shit act that I commit on the interwebs; I will, in turn, try to actually learn something on the internet.

I have enacted my learning process by looking up something that I have never understood. This could be the biography of someone or a certain event in history or perhaps the answer to a question. The question has to fulfill 1 of 2 criteria. Either, the question fulfills a long held curiosity or it will better my life, in one way or another, by knowing the answer or by researching a topic further.

Yesterday's question was: "Why do fish have vertical tail fins and swim side to side yet whales and dolphins have horizontal fins and swim in a seemingly up and down motion?"

The answer: There are several answers to this question. Fish typically live in one part of the ocean in reference to the bottom of the sea and the surface. They don't do a lot of diving to find food so they don't need a horizontal tail fin, which would enable them to make efficient deep dives. They also don't need to surface to breathe, another reason why they don't need to make quick up and down swims.

Whales have lungs just like any other mammal and they need to surface to breathe and dive deep to search for food. Since they have such large lungs, they need to move up and down because that type of motion does not restrict breathing. Fish are related to reptiles and reptiles also move side to side when walking or running. Reptiles and fish also make very quick or rapid movements. They are not known to be very good long distance runners or swimmers. That is because their breathing is being restricted so they need to make the most out of short bursts of running or swimming.

Boom! You just got scienced!!!

Now doesn't that make for a better conversation than, "Did you know that baby North West is already sporting custom made, 18 carat white gold wayfarers?!"

This battle station is now fully operational.

http://www.reddit.com/r/askscience

PR Advice

Celebrities are constantly getting in trouble for their actions and their filthy rich little potty mouths. Paula Deen using the 'N' word. John Mayer dating girls half his age and discussing it in Rolling Stone magazine. Justin Beiber owning a f**king monkey. Miley Cyrus being Miley Cyrus.

The reason why all these celebrities have come under fire for comments and actions is because they all started out with squeaky clean images. The southern grandma you never had. The soulful singer/songwriter, think "Daughters". The Canadian cutie and the Disney country star.

If you are a celebrity at some point in time (just like the rest of us) you are going to make a mistake. The difference is this. If I drunk dial an old friend and proceed to tell them that I always thought that they were a "crazy, forever alone, bitch". Those texts will not end up on TMZ or E! News because no one cares what I have to say because no one knows who the fuck I am because I have done literally nothing that is note worthy.

The solution? Fuck squeaky clean images no one, especially celebrities, are capable of keeping that up for an entire life time/career. Especially, when your career begins at age 12. Are you the same person you were at 12? Hopefully not, I used to listen to Metallica while watching 'My So Called Life' while writing a manifesto/song lyrics about true love - because I was an expert on true matrimony at age 12.

The key is to start out your career as a total ass hole and then you can get away with saying/doing anything you want. "That's Quagmire!" AND you can only go up from there! You will get nicer as the years go by and you will be remembered as gentle old soul. Ozzy Osbourne starting out eating live bats, pissing on the Alamo and other such fuckery. Now, he is a sweat old man that everybody loves. Alice Cooper? That guy is an adorable radio DJ for a classic rock station now. Madonna, she wrote a childrens' book...a childrens' book.

Ex. Interview 1 (of your career)

Q: Where do you see your music in the next 5 years?
A: "In the trash because it's total bull shit just like this interview and every fucktard that 'likes' my music on facebook."

Entertainment industry, you're welcome -Yours Truly, PR/Marketing/Management

Let's Endorse this Endorsement!

I don't understand advertisements/endorsements for high-end designers? No amount of advertising will get the average populace to buy a $5,000 evening gown. Problem no.1 normal people don't wear gowns other than their wedding day (and sometimes not even then) and problem no. 2 even if we did wear gowns we would buy them ironically from goodwill to wear to our ironic events such as: special screening of The Wedding Singer at our local dinner/theatre joint located next to a chuck e. cheeses.

Wow, Scarlett Johansen is wearing Prada?! I should wear Prada! Wait, where do they sell Prada? Not at Target; not at the mall, whelp I'm all tapped out then. Wait, a Prada bag is $4,500?! I will never make that much disposable income in MY LIFE. 

And no they don't need to advertise to the rich either because the rich only shop by dollar signs. If they see that something is expensive they will buy it. period. (That was 3 periods in a row, if you didn't notice) 

It's Adventure Time!

Being poor is so rad! There's danger at every corner! Traps, scandal, romance, intrigue! Every day is a new adventure! Will this tranny-prostitute stab me on this bus ride? How will I pay for rent this month?


A) digging thru the trash for winning lottery tickets
B) Posing nude for local university art classes
or
C) Letting Red Bull turn my car into a mobile advertisement

Who knows?! Maybe I will do all three, pay my rent and then buy myself something real nice like a bag of 'name brand' Haribo gummy bears to treat myself for all of my hard work!

Being poor also helps to keep the creative juices flowin'! For ex. "The only food items I have left are spaghetti and frozen edamame and I need these to last till next Tuesday." Solution, Asian noodle stir fry! Pick up some soy sauce packets from your local Chinese restaurant, pan fry those noodles and edamame in oil and even throw in some sriracha (also available in packet form) and you can even get a free packet of peanuts from Chick-fil-A (they usually, put them in their salads) and bam! You've got a complete meal.

Want to save on water? Fill up water bottles at mall fountains and take showers at the YMCA....sweeeeeet.

I feel bad for rich people. Their lives seem so boring. No one is trying to sue them over illegally downloading television or music. When they have a problem someone just fixes it for them? Where's the drama? The mystery? My car could explode at any moment because my exhaust is held together by duct-tape. I try to make every moment count because I could literally die driving my car 5 blocks to pick up free soy sauce packets! That is life!