Candy Coma

In the very late eighties and thru the early ninities, for just one night a year, I was a trick or treater. As a child I didn't have a lot of freedoms, but then again, what child does have a lot of freedoms? Halloween was the the one time a year that pre-pubesant youths could rally together in the name of, vandalism, terror and above all else sugar. This was the one time you could say "F*ck it all! Tonight (with absolutely no formal training in the martial arts) I am a ninja and I will feast upon the sweetest of fare along side my comrades in mischief!" Halloween allowed kids to dress the way that they felt on the inside, watch rated-R movies until the sun came up and consume enough candy to jumpstart their adult-onset diabetes.

But, alas these days are over. I teach about 20 private music lessons to kids during the week and I asked them all how their Halloween went. They all said that they had a good time but I was horrified when I learned that their parents were keeping the kids' hard earned candy from them?! Apparently, the new trend in Dr. Spock/Atkin's Diet inspired parenting is to take all the candy from the child and only allow him or her a single piece everyday after Halloween until the candy is all gone. This is blasphemy! This ranks up there with saying "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas".

I strongly urge all Americans (12 and under please) to rise up against your middle aged oppressors and take back what is rightfully yours! Grasp Halloween by the malted-milk balls and make it your b*tch! If kids can't have Halloween, what do they have? Nothing! To truly experience Halloween you must eat enough candy, in one sitting, to throw-up until you never want to see candy again until next Halloween. Not doing so, is to never know Halloween. It's like going to college and never doing a keg-stand! Who cares about your 4.0GPA, we want to see the keg-stand! So, remember kids on Halloween you own the night!