Life Hack for a Sparkling Clean Home

Today I had the morning off from work so, naturally, I have accomplished nothing. I have spent the last hour online searching for a reliable cleaning service.

Here is my life hack. Instead of looking for a maid, for over an hour online, maybe just start cleaning your house for that hour instead. The truth hurts, I know.

I really don't want a maid because I don't think I can handle the judgement. He or she will be judging how dirty I am and then returning to their domicile later that evening to discuss my level of filth with their significant other. "Can you believe I found guitar picks in the cereal boxes?!", said my fictional maid or manservant (because feminism). Why was the maid going thru my cereal boxes?! I also can't handle this person judging my level of laziness either. I can't leave this stranger alone in my home, whom I have never met before, with all of my valuables and by "valuables", I mean, my set of Hulk Hands, shitty paintings that I have painted at one too many Wine and Paint Nights and my cacti collection. So, instead of leaving this person alone at my home, I will be sitting on the couch playing video games. Meanwhile, the maid or manservant is thinking to themselves, "Why doesn't she just clean? She clearly has nothing better to do? I should really charge her $900 an hour...that seems fair." Lastly, I don't want to hire a cleaning service out of fear that I have become the bourgeois. Basically, this will make me feel like a giant ass hole, "CLEAN MY MANSION PLEBEIAN!" My family never used a cleaning service and neither have I so this would be my first experience and it's already making me feel like I failed Home Economics.

At this point, my only safe and judgement free option is to just get a Roomba, until the robot uprising of 2037, that is.