Colonial Williamsburg

Roadside tourist traps are nothing new. "Cosmos Mystery Area", "The Thing", "WonderWorld" these are all real places with real stupid outcomes. But, most of these places only cost a few bucks and they do, in fact, have something to show you, even if it is just a snake with two heads. (Which, by the way, is awesome) All of these establishments also have pretty massive gift shops attached as well. These roadside carnys really just want you to buy a piece of geode with your name on it, misspelled, of course, because that's where they make the real money. It is literally mind boggling how many of these places have sucked me in and yes, I have the pictures and fridge magnets to prove it. However, none was so insulting as Colonial Williamsburg.

Williamsburg charges you $37 just to get in and once you have bled out all your cash for this roadside stop you realize, upon entering, that anyone can enter for free! There are local college students out on a jog, senior citizens out walking their dogs and other such townies out and about all over this place. There is also nothing "Colonial" about Williamsburg. It is a re-creation of a period town and apparently that period contained gift shops galore!!! Turns out that the admission ticket just gets you into a giant "old-timey" strip mall.

Once you're in, there is no getting your money back so I took it in stride and proceeded to obtain a nice buzz bordering on total drunkenness. Then I made some tactical errors. I ended up buying a fife, a book of music for my fife, a candy apple that had seen better days, and two $6 candy bars and then I fell into a drunken coma in a Barnes and Noble.

I'm not sure if I learned anything about America at Colonial Williamsburg...no wait, I did learn something. Americans are geniuses at capitalism. I'm sure we were selling candy apples to the natives the second we got off that boat and buying land for beads, because we are heartless capitalistic dousche bags. And to think, all this because I wanted to see a snake with two heads?

There is Such a Thing as a Dumb Question

I've always had professors say to me, "There is no such thing as a dumb question." This is a fallacy. If you think you should have learned something a long time ago, like everyone else, you are probably right. So, instead of wasting my time and everyone else's with your bone-head question look it up online first. Seriously people. For centuries mankind has had to sift thru massive libraries, study nature and just live a long life in order to obtain knowledge, yet now we have ALL known knowledge at our cyber fingertips and we STILL ask stupid questions and are incapable of using this god-like cyber universe of information...which is also free and ANYONE can use it. Women, children, ethnic peoples, disabled, literally anyone!

Other questions don't even involve actual knowledge but rather common sense. These are the worst of the dumb-ass questions. Ex. "Do I have to turn this in on time?" What do you think? Dumb-ass. These kinds of questions I usually don't even acknowledge with a response because it would waste precious oxygen.

Bottom line is if you think it is a stupid question...it is and you are dumb no matter what some free-lovin', hippy professor tells you.

Instrument Shaped Objects

Anything made by the company First Act should come with a disclaimer to all parents noting that they are purchasing an "Instrument shaped object" and it should not be used in any musical settings. Playing said "instrument" in a musical setting could result in hypertension, explosive diarrhea, night terrors and hysteria.

Parents, ask yourself these questions when purchasing an instrument for your child. You are willing to spend $100 a month on lessons but not more than $50 on the instrument that is supposed to carry them thru middle and or high school? Are you purchasing your "instrument" at the same store that you buy personal lubricant, toaster strudels and Christian pop albums from a $1 bin? Is this "instrument" bright pink and covered in unicorns? Did you have a coupon for it? These are all signs that you might have just purchased an "instrument shaped object" instead of the real deal.

I'm just trying to help here people because in life there are instruments and there are cheap evil instrument shaped doppelgangers. Much like Michelle Bachmnan. Sure she looooks human but she is actually a cyborg sent here from the future...you see what I did there, I got political for no apparent reason. I just M. Night Shyamalaned you!!