May the Force Be with You

I often times wonder what rock stars REALLY think about their fans and by "rock stars" I mean "one hit wonders".

I just got to see the Plain White Ts (for free) and because I was bored. That last sentence is me trying to be "cool" so you don't think that I like pop music because I really only listen to T Rex, Phil Keaggy and Ghostland Observatory...because I am "cool". "Cool" me would NEVER listen to the Plain White Ts...

Anyways, while I was at this concert I realized that I was one of the OLDEST people there! (Tell your mom to go home!!!!!) This band's last hit single came out in, I believe 2006, and yet everyone at this concert was 12 year old girls? When did they hear this song? Was it in the womb? I don't know. What I do know is that these little ladies were riding a tidal wave of hormones. Yelling, screaming, waving and dressing very grown up. Few things are more fun than watching the ovaries of prepubescent girls exploding over 32 year old, grown, ass, men with guitars. What do these girls think will come of their screams and short skirts?

I can't imagine that a 32 year old, wealthy, married and mustachioed man is thinking to himself. "Man, you know what I love?! Chubby 12 year old girls." He doesn't think that because
 1: That's gross 2: Most men like boobs 3: That's illegal

To be fair, my first celebrity crush was Harrison Ford, in a time when all other girls were swooning over Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Nothing is weirder than a slumber party conversation over crushes, that goes like this: "Who do you like?" "I like JTT" "I like N'SYNC" "I like the Back Street Boys" "I like HARRISON FORD from 1977 STAR WARS BECAUSE I AM WEEEEIIIIRD!!!!"

Chillax little girls and "May the force be with you".

Father Daughter Macarena

Mother, son dances don't exist because they are creepy. Why do father, daughter dances exist. They are no less creepy than a mother, son dance. I thought the dance floor was the great equalizer? There is no race, no religion, no social hierarchy just dance. Was all the work of Kevin Bacon, Patrick Swayze and John Travolta for nothing?! They proved to us (thru their bell-bottomed moves) that anyone can dance and that we shouldn't have these exclusatory dances. Only fathers and daughters is just weird. I don't want to dance to Lady GaGa's "Disco Stick" with my dad. I don't want to dance to "My Eyes Adore You" with my dad.

There is no way that dad's came up with the idea of the Father, Daughter Dance either. This had to be the idea of some stage mom who takes way too many pictures of their child's (insert activity). Guys would never come up with an idea as lame as this. I highly doubt that dad's are sitting around thinking to themselves,"Man, I would much rather awkwardly dance to "Knock on Wood" with my daughter this weekend then watch the big (insert sporting event)." "I would much rather eat some store bought, cake and punch this weekend than drink beer and eat pizza with my friends." (Said no dad ever)

The father, daughter dance is just an excuse to take photos. So, just get all dressed up, go into the backyard and take some photos and save everyone the embarrassment of dancing to Dolly Parton's "I Will Always Love You" with your dad. No one wants to see that.

Keep in mind, you can dance with your dad and that is fine. But, if your child is exclusively dancing with her dad at an event that has a raffle for golf lessons and everyone is wearing crowns/tiaras then your child might be at a father, daughter dance.

Karaokeing at Life

Some people can sing, some people can't sing and some people "look" like they can sing. Karaoke is fun. Mario Kart is fun. Eating jelly donuts is fun. Ultimate Frisbee is fun. But, you shouldn't get awards for any of these things or even be featured on national television for your amazing donut eating capabilities, your intense Mario Kart skills or fake singing to, "It's Raining Men". Hilarious it might be but award winning it is not. This is coming from someone who (undeservedly got 2nd place at a karaoke contest).

Karaoke "artists" should team up with air guitarists and start composing fake music. Why are people being celebrated for these non-skills? Also, lip-syncing? Why are you a thing? You can be hilarious when a tiny white girl mimes the words to a rap song but that is really just acting under a different name and actors already get awards for practicing a "real" craft. I think that real artists should be totally offended by this trend! What if I just walked into my dentist's office and started miming dentistry and then stole all of the doctor's patients to my new and hilarious dental practice? Cavities would get filled with bubblegum and jelly donuts...ironically, also how you get cavities, in the first place.

I am going to start "karaokeing" to things that I suck at, in life, for comedic effect but also to shift the attention away from just how terrible I am at certain activities and by "certain activities", I mean life.

Instead of actually working out, I'm just going to karaoke it?! Mime everyone on all the machines and make fun of all there inappropriate grunting and lifting of heavy objects, for no reason.

Why clean your house when you can karaoke? Just look like you are cleaning! For more fun, I suggest filling all cleaning bottles with cheap vodka so you can drink in between "karaoke" sets or "cleaning".

Sometimes I "karaoke" at being nice to people and their faces. But, don't we all do this? You just didn't know it! You are a karaoke master!!

I also have a 5 octave range when it comes to "karaoke" my dental hygiene. I only floss the night before a dentist's appointment and yet I have never even had a cavity? The karaoke gods have smiled upon me!

I dare you to out karaoke me! Hmm, we might need to set up some kind of award system to figure this out.

Instrument Shaped Objects

Anything made by the company First Act should come with a disclaimer to all parents noting that they are purchasing an "Instrument shaped object" and it should not be used in any musical settings. Playing said "instrument" in a musical setting could result in hypertension, explosive diarrhea, night terrors and hysteria.

Parents, ask yourself these questions when purchasing an instrument for your child. You are willing to spend $100 a month on lessons but not more than $50 on the instrument that is supposed to carry them thru middle and or high school? Are you purchasing your "instrument" at the same store that you buy personal lubricant, toaster strudels and Christian pop albums from a $1 bin? Is this "instrument" bright pink and covered in unicorns? Did you have a coupon for it? These are all signs that you might have just purchased an "instrument shaped object" instead of the real deal.

I'm just trying to help here people because in life there are instruments and there are cheap evil instrument shaped doppelgangers. Much like Michelle Bachmnan. Sure she looooks human but she is actually a cyborg sent here from the future...you see what I did there, I got political for no apparent reason. I just M. Night Shyamalaned you!!