Adoption

What are the rules and regulations on adoption? Is there an age limit? Because I am currently very interested in adopting a 32-year-old, bald man. He would help me pay rent and he would be a dependent on taxes so we would get a pretty sweet break. He needs a good home and a loving family which is a situation I could provide. It's a win win, really.

R.I.P Thomas Kincaide

Take a landscape and put a frame on it.
Find a middle-aged woman and make her pay for it.
I'm sure the portrait will look great in her hallway,
away from trays of ash where all will say,
"Look at her wonderful portrait and how it sits;
it fits so well with all the other shit."

-A poem on shitty art

The Economicon

Dear Financial Crisis,
So, I can't get approved for a low-interest $2,000 personal loan but I can get approved for a high-interest credit card with a $13,000 limit? Oh, wait; I see what you did there. Thanks.

-Sincerely, Disgruntled (soon to be bankrupt) Consumer

Greeting Card MANIA!

Once upon a time, a simple time; one could walk into a Walgreen's and purchase a birthday, holiday, or special occasion greeting card. This card could be humorous, sensitive or just stated the facts and I think everyone loved the "blank inside" cards the most. And, the most expensive card one could find would cost about $3 and was probably the tri-fold card with glitter all over it. But, alas, those days are over.

Gone are the days of simple statements such as, "I love you.", or, "Happy 30th grandma." Nope, now we need to tell people happy birthday with a Beatles song screeching out of a card that also extends to the length of a full size guitar and can be played as one. This card costs $12. Or, we might choose a card that is a "pop-out" and turns into a birthday cake. This card weighs 1/4 of a pound and requires extra postage. There are also cards that are scratch and sniff, or have googly eyes attached to it, or turn into an origami butterfly that can also be used as a kite, or cards that are shaped to be a money holders, or a card that can tell me my future by witchcraft.

I love receiving cards in the mail because it is always a happy surprise; but good LORD don't spend $12 on my card...just give me $12...because I am a selfish, selfish person.

My Fridge Requires a Password?

Passwords, usernames, logins. Can I just say WHAT THE F*CK! I understand that I would need a password and username for things like my bank account because they need to stay secure; however I kind of wish someone wooould steal my identity because all they would be able to steal from me would be my student loan debt and then I could finally change my name to Consuela and move to Argentina. But even with my bank, after I have given them the incorrect password because I can't keep my 1,576 passwords straight, they still have the balls to ask me my security questions, which I ace, but they still won't let me view my account? Why ask the stupid security questions? Why even have security questions if they aren't actually used for anything?

What's even dumber is the fact that I need a username and password for my church's website and for Habitat for Humanity? This is actually keeping people from helping others because, good Samaritans like myself, can't remember their passwords and therefore can't sign up for work projects. It literally makes no sense. I need a password and username for the SPCA, for my doctor's office, for my cell phone carrier, for Pinterest, for Dog Fancy Magazine online, for Target.com, for Mustacheenthusiats.edu???????????????????? Are you kidding me with this?

My fear is that someday I will need a login just to get into my car or worse still my refrigerator.

Genocide WILL get you out of school

The Christian religion has about as many permutations as Yankee Candle has scents. Oh, and by the way, Yankee Candle, "Moon Light" is not a scent. One, because I cannot smell reflected light and two, I'm sure that the moon does not, in fact, emit a scent. But, then again I am no scientist. I'm sure Yankee Candle employs lots of scientists...and doctors.

But, like I was saying, Christianity has a plethora of theologies. Many Christians believe that God has pre-planned the entire universe and that every thing happens according to His omnipotent will. I don't buy this and I'll tell you why, in the form of a parable, since we are getting all Biblical here anyways.

I had a student come into my office the other day and upon entering she proclaimed, "I'm sooo excited!". Me, "Really? What brings on this excitement?". Student, "Tomorrow I'm going on a field trip!". Me, "Really? Where too?". Student, "To the Holocaust museum!". Me, (look of terror and confusion). Once my mind rebooted, I asked why on earth she would be excited about such a thing? "Well", she said, "I don't really care what we do as long as it gets me out of school for the day."

I always wondered why, if God had pre-planned everything, He would put people like Hitler, Stalin and Mussolini in power? But it is crystal clear now. He really just wanted 12-year-old American kids to get out of school to learn about the Holocaust.

It is literally retarded that I have to put disclaimers on here but here we go.
This blog is satire! It reeeeeeks of sarcasm you idiots!!

When I grow up...

...I want to be a professional comedian. Not because I think that I'm that funny, even though I am clearly hilarious, but because I am a horrible person. I like to say things that are horribly offensive; preferably to your face. But, society frowns on this. Don't get me wrong. Comedians can say just about anything and they still get plenty of hate mail about it and sometimes they are censored on TV or, heck, even banned from certain shows or clubs. But, they still get away with it and they still get paid. I have a lot of horrible thoughts and I need to start getting paid for them!

Ex. of horrible joke: "I hope they cremate Whitney Houston's body because that would reduce her body to it's most pure form. 90% cocaine and 10% crazy. Now that's something people would pay good money to snort."

Too soon? or Not soon enough?

Now, I just need to sit back and let the royalty checks and hate mail roooooll in!