I'm too Old for this Shit

Sorry, I have been pretty absent as of late. I'm taking some night and online classes. So, when I'm not studying or working I am sleeping, sleeping or taking drugs to help me sleep.

Can you guys please invent one of those beds that teaches you shit in your dreams? Either that or we need to attach (in very tiny letters) the word 'cocaine' to the marijuana legalization bill so that I can do cocaine and stay awake for 72 hours straight.

Side note: I'm not actually using a GI Bill to go back to school. (This is why you should never take memes seriously kids. They are full of lies. If your political ideology is based off of a meme, we are all fucked...oh wait...I just made myself sad.) I just thought this meme properly portrayed my 32 year old ass in a high school desk learning about environmental biology.

Anyways, I'm going back to sleep now or studying or working...does it really matter? Ya'll let me know how that SmartBed/cocaine thing goes. I want to see progress people!

You Had One Job

Have you ever been insulted in such a way as to instill an emotion of deep hatred and resentment towards your condescending accuser? If you have, you are not the only one. So many of us have felt the ire of being told how to reheat pop tarts by the box of pop tarts, itself. The humiliation of the phrase, "Contents may be hot" and my personal favorite, "results may vary". I never knew that "results varied"? I thought that if I died my hair with $4 Revlon semi-permanent, hair dye that I would look EXACTLY like the super model on the box! Where are my sun-kissed highlights? The haunting low-lights? A perfectly quaffed blow out and bleached teeth?! WHERE ARE YOU!!!! Apparently, my 'results varied'. They varied off into a world, much realer than the photo-shopped box would have lead me to believe. 

I have often wondered, who needs these patronizing instructions in their day to day lives? Today that query has been answered! In the above photo, you will notice that the gentleman/woman who was in charge of "Display Management" was a little unsure about how to hang t-shirts properly. To be fair and just we must first realize that this person already had a pretty trying day before heading off to their retail job this morning. First, this human burned the sin out of some strawberry pop tarts. After he/she put out the ensuing toaster oven fire he/she realized that their hair had been processing for FAR too long. They had flames to squelch at the time so the new doo was not a top priority thus leaving our hero with bleached eyebrows and several chemically-burned bald spots. Finally, this register jockey is off to work but not before picking up a cup of steaming hot Joe! Good thing the lid to the coffee was tightly secured! That could have been a disaster! This salesperson just couldn't get their head in the game today but it's ok. He makes me feel important, beautiful and intelligent. How would I know if I was smart or not when I have nothing to compare myself to? 

People need to know that it could be worse. You could be ugly(ier), fat(ter) and dumb(er). I am here to tell you that you are beautiful, you are important and you know how to hang t-shirts like a pro. 

Catch the Wave at Pompeii!

Apparently, people died at Pompeii. Did you know this? Because Pompeii assumes that you were unaware of the massive death toll during the city's infamous volcanic explosion.

Here are the remains of a citizen of ancient Pompeii who, I can only assume, died in the fury of Vesuvius but let's look closer, shall we?

Closer...

You mean to tell me that this guy didn't make it?! Lava flows can kill?! I thought he would have lived. This guy looks pretty good to me? I can't believe he's dead. I just thought everybody boogie boarded outta there on top of the Big Sur lava ocean?! I learned sooo much at Pompeii!!! Highly educational BUT there were far too many Asian tourists so I am gonna have to give Pompeii 1 star on Trip Advisor....

Debtor's Prison, see: Student Loan Debt

Can we please just bring back debtor's prison? I think I would rather do time for 5 years instead of paying on my student loans FOR THE REST OF MY NATURAL LIFE. Having student loan debt feels a lot like prison. Things I cannot do/have because of my crushing debt include but are not limited too:

Owning a home
Having kids (if I wanted them)
Owning a car
Going on vacation
Having a savings account (with more than $5 in it at any given time)
Having a retirement plan
Following my dream of owning a herd of horses so that I can stampede into battle whenever I feel like it
Doing lots and lots of designer drugs
Owning $1,000 shoes that will hurt my feet so bad that I will never actually wear them but I will feel better about myself just KNOWING I own them and that they are in my closet
Following the band Phish around the country in a shady looking VW van and selling beads out the back of said van to pay for all the concert tickets and designer drugs
Owning an expensive hypo-allergenic dog
Pine nuts...ON EVERYTHING
Expensive wine (and by "expensive" I mean $15 wine)
Sun dried tomatoes...ON EVERYTHING
Becoming a world champion polo player/astronaut (I assume these are the activities of those with no student loan debt)

Seriously, I just want to do some hard time for my crime of getting a fine arts degree. I confess. Put the handcuffs on me and take me away!

Genocide WILL get you out of school

The Christian religion has about as many permutations as Yankee Candle has scents. Oh, and by the way, Yankee Candle, "Moon Light" is not a scent. One, because I cannot smell reflected light and two, I'm sure that the moon does not, in fact, emit a scent. But, then again I am no scientist. I'm sure Yankee Candle employs lots of scientists...and doctors.

But, like I was saying, Christianity has a plethora of theologies. Many Christians believe that God has pre-planned the entire universe and that every thing happens according to His omnipotent will. I don't buy this and I'll tell you why, in the form of a parable, since we are getting all Biblical here anyways.

I had a student come into my office the other day and upon entering she proclaimed, "I'm sooo excited!". Me, "Really? What brings on this excitement?". Student, "Tomorrow I'm going on a field trip!". Me, "Really? Where too?". Student, "To the Holocaust museum!". Me, (look of terror and confusion). Once my mind rebooted, I asked why on earth she would be excited about such a thing? "Well", she said, "I don't really care what we do as long as it gets me out of school for the day."

I always wondered why, if God had pre-planned everything, He would put people like Hitler, Stalin and Mussolini in power? But it is crystal clear now. He really just wanted 12-year-old American kids to get out of school to learn about the Holocaust.

It is literally retarded that I have to put disclaimers on here but here we go.
This blog is satire! It reeeeeeks of sarcasm you idiots!!

Dear Teach for America,

Why didn't you hire me? Was it because of the fact that I have never missed a deadline? Was it because my organizational skillz are kept inside of my noggin? Is it because I am tooo sexy? (probably not) Is it because I was over qualified? Is it becaue I am NOT smarter than a 5th grader? Was it because you saw this blog? Ya, it's probably because you saw this web log. At least YOU were super professional when you DIDN'T call me for my phone interview that I had setup with you. Also, you didn't even apologize for that, hmmm, Miss Manners is wagging her righteous finger at you! Why did you make my friends fill out Letters of Recommendation when you didn't even read them? Don't get me wrong I love wasting time but I try not to waste other people's time...unless it involves kite flying.

But enough about me, what about the children? Or as Paula Deen would say, "the chil'ren's." Think about what they will be missing out on. They will never learn how to properly air guitar, fight fisticuffs, curse at other children in German, play hookey, knee-pit fart or properly assemble a box kite! These are life lessons people! History, English, Math, Science all these disciplines are worthless if you don't know how to rock. What good is English if you don't know all the best curse words like #$$^#%&#$%FGF? What good is Math if you don't know how to use it to cheat at Black Jack? What good is History if you don't know where the first sounds of rock 'n' roll were heard? (It was Valhalla) What good is Science if you don't know how to construct a Peter Frampton Talk Box that also doubles as a bong? THESE are valuable skills that people would pay for. Or maybe not.