Money Ball

Brad Pitt, I'm sure that you are a good actor. I'm sure that you love what you do but I just can't take you seriously. You are just too good looking. Sorry.

Really, a baseball manager? The whole time I'm thinking, why isn't this guy a super model or a movie star...ruins the whole movie

Really, an upstart entrepreneur for a local fight club for losers? Nope, super model.

Really, a detective risking his life to find the Seven killer? You should be risking your liver functions from too many Mai Tais from a run-way show after party in Miami.

Really, a big time thief in the Ocean's movies? Seriously, you couldn't find work as a model? Had to resort to stealing? I don't buy it.

The only movie I could ever take you seriously in was Troy because you played a Greek Demi-God. (WHICH IS WHAT YOU ARE!!)

For a more comprehensive list of movies that Brad Pitt has ruined please refer to http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000093/

Fear Mongers

Fox news has long been viewed as...wait, this blog post isn't about Fox News? But, I thought it was about fear mongering? Why, yes it is about fear mongering but this post involves CNN...believe it or not.

I recently lived through an earthquake and hurricane and no my name is not Storm and I did not cause these events. I know your shocked but don't worry I'm still pretty powerful. Actually, you shouldn't be impressed at all, the hurricane was a category 1 storm when it hit Norfolk and the earthquake was a 5.7 magnitude. These are events that do require a certain degree of respect but definitely not the mass evacuations and hysteria that I had to witness.

I believe that CNN caused most of these antics. They offered us non-stop live coverage of our impending doom. I think this was a chance for them to take a day off from real reporting and actual work. I am sure the rest of the nation would have enjoyed at least SOME news that wasn't hurricane related but you know it's whatever. I had to watch video of the mayor of New Jersey yelling at people to get out of the state. Also, when actual scientists tried to play down the "disaster" on CNN the CNN anchor would try to divert the question or statement back to the "carnage" of this storm. The scare tactics worked. All over town windows were borded or taped up. Stores were closed. Home Depot ran out of sand bags and batteries. For very few people were these precautions actually necessary. I'm all for safety but these guys definitely over did it. I had people calling me genuinely worried for my safety because of these ridiculous news reports. This storm was definitely odd for this part of the country and even news worthy...but to take up 24 hours of news space on CNN AND every other news channel? BALDERDASH I SAY!! (As I wiggle my mustache and monocle)

Next time any kind of natural disaster hits just call me and I'll tell you what you REALLY need. Uno, flashlights, beer, tiny-baby Jesus and did I mention beer? Oh, yeah I did. Also, in retrospect, I really should have looted more...next time.

Travel Tips for The $50,000 in Debt Traveler!

Should I pay back my student loans? Pay off my wedding? Pay off my credit cards? Nope, I should travel the world on an empty wallet and a pocket full of broken dreams! And, I'll show you how I did it!

1. Drinking: Ok this gets expensive but it is necessary when trying to forget about your useless degree and lost youth.
TIP: Me and my husband often pretend to be either single or gay on most outings. This allows other "singles" to buy us drinks at bars and clubs. They get fascinating conversation and we get a gentle buzz.

2. Hotels: If you can stay at a friends house or a long lost relatives house that is best but if you have no family (like myself) just follow these instructions
TIP: Ask for the cheapest room available but in the message box write either "honeymoon" or "anniversary". The hotel WILL upgrade you.

3.Food: Ramen noodles? Nope, that's for poor people. I'm not poor just cheap.
TIP: Split an entree with your friend, spouse or male escort (I'm not judging) also, find a place that offers free bread or chips. Then, tell the waiter that it is either your first time at said restaurant or that it is your b-day. You will likely receive a free app or dessert. Also, don't feel bad these are the same people that would have charged you $7 for a cupcake.

4: Entertainment: Ride the subway it usually only costs a few bucks. What do you get?
TIP: Fine conversation ex. Troupe of whores, "I told you I don't have no yeast infection! and even I did it ain't no disease! I mean, you can't even get that from ridin' a strap?!" You can't make that up people.

5: School
TIP: No matter what you do in life NEVER throw away a school I.D. Most museums, movie theatres, concert halls and even book stores will give you a significant student discount and there is no way for them to tell whether or not you are an active student. Also, don't feel bad. You've paid $40,000 for your shitty degree so they shouldn't begrudge a %10 discount at a national monument.

Closures

Borders book store recently announced that it would be closing all of it's stores. The company could not compete with the new digital media outlets and has now been left in the league of antiques with other heavy weights such as the record store, habadashery, and the space shuttle program. I don't know how I feel about this but it has made me wonder, what next? The post office is definitely on the list. Long lines, un-happy employees and no customer service. But, may I suggest another institution that should be committed to memory. The DMV. As Dessy Arnez would say,"Let me esplain", When "attempting" to change my name I brought my marriage license, passport and old driver's license to the DMV. The woman with 2-inch nails and a gold tooth told me that I needed to come back and show proof of residency. So I came back the next week with all the same materials + a voided check with my name and new residence on it. This was what the last agent told me to bring in, the new agent denied it.I was then told to bring in a statement that was mailed to my new address so I brought in a credit card statement and, of course, it wasn't good enough and apparently all agents have differing DMV rules? Anyways, I was then told that only bank statements could be used. So, I came back the next week with a bank statement and then I was told to go back to the bank and have it notarized?! Luckily, another gold toothed employee heard this debacle and let me slide with my un-notarized bank statement. I've made it! Right? Wrong! I then took a number and waited for an hour and a half only to discover that they would not issue me a new driver's license with my new name because my birth date was incorrect on my passport (thanks mom). I am now relegated to the fact that I will never successfully change my name until the DMV goes the way of Borders. At least at Borders I could get a double-tall latte unlike the DMV where I received a double-tall cup of bullshit.

Space...Solved!

As much as I would looove to take all the credit for solving space, I'm afraid this honor goes to the ancient Romans.

I recently took a trip to Italy and in all my travels I have realized that the only thing that truly stands the test of time is stone. Forget about love, dreams and ideas; nope, it's cold hard stone. David, the Rosetta Stone, the Parthenon, Christ the Redeemer, the Great Wall of China and the Wailing Wall, all of these items survived wars, bombs, natural disaster and most importantly time. I don't understand why we still don't primarily work in stone. I almost burned my house down the other day but if my house were made of stone I could burn it to the ground everyday!!! Now, what does my kitchen burning to the ground and ancient Roman statues have to do with extraterrestrial exploration?

Between 1961 and 1984 Russia was dreaming of Venus...in a non-sexual way, of course. The U.S. had the moon and also had it's eyes on Mars. So Russia turned its eyes towards Venus and sent several unmanned probes to the planets surface. What they didn't know was that the surface temperature of Venus is about 800 degrees Fahrenheit. Only two pictures were snapped and sent back to Mother Russia before the probe caught fire and burned up faster than Russia's space dreams. No probe has been sent to the surface since.

Well here is a craaaazy idea that only a Ruskie would go for! Why not take some of those same probes and incase them in stone so that they won't burn up the instant they hit the surface of Venus? Ooooh!!! Or what about stone spacesuits?! You'd look like an animated Terra Cotta Warrior! Either way, I think stone is pretty underused and under appreciated in the modern world. The only place left for stone to go is to boldly go where no man or machine has gone before!

The McQueen Bee

"Animals have two purposes in this world: to taste good and fit well" -Greg Proops

I sometimes think that we humans treat our pets and other animals better than we do ourselves. We give our pets clothing (ugh) food a roof over their heads and we literally ask for nothing in return. Now, I know what you're thinking. We get their love and affection right? I have one word for you 'cats'. Cats don't give a f*ck about you and neither do birds, lizards or amphibians for that matter. The only pet that we do get a little bit of affection and fun from are dogs; the same might be true for horses too but who can afford a horse also; they don't fit in urban efficiency apartments or else I would have one.

If I lived in my parents house till I was thirty, never went to school and never had a job my parents probably would have kicked me out and disowned me however; we let all this behavior slide with our pets. Again, I know what you're thinking. They can't go to school or get a job so what do you expect? Well they could at least herd some sheep, guard the house; you know dog stuff.

I recently watched a program about a tame cheetah being released into the wilds of Africa. I don't even want to think about how many man hours and money that was spent on this operation. And until recently, all their efforts have been unsuccessful. In order to transport this cheetah safely and with low stress they gave it a tranquilizer for the plane ride. I reeeeaaally wish someone would shoot me with a tranquilizer gun before long flights. I mean I always say that those flights might kill me but I'm not a cheetah so my life is less important and no one believes me.

In hindsight, I think we treat animals the way we do because well...we eat them and we secretly feel bad. I might not be able to get tranquilizers but at least no one is trying to eat me...I think.

P.S. did I mention that famed fashion designer Alexander McQueen recently left an animal shelter 100,000 euros in his will? I could deal with someone trying to eat me or dressing me in a tutu for that kind of cash. But then again, I'm a horrible person.

A Letter to Europe

I see a lot of unashamed/unabashed uni-brows. I will send you one aesthetician per 100 uni-brows if you promise to use them on a monthly basis; oh ya and tip them.

why do ALL your bathrooms smell like feral animal piss? You'd think that a restroom that you PAID for would be a lot nicer...but no it's the opposite. Maybe it's because you have forced us to squat on the floor like animals? Maybe it's because the actual bathroom is the size of Harry Potter's muggle bedroom. Or maybe it's because no one gives a shit...pun intended.

Water with gas or no gas? I have actually learned to like fizzy water; I just wish I didn't have to pay for the opposite.

Thank you for speaking English everywhere I go however; could you pleeeaase not talk about me behind my back in your native tongue because I know what you're saying....not just a pretty face people.

Please stop with the "FUCK BUSH" graffiti. He's not the president anymore and we don't write "FUCK SARKOZY or MERKEL or CAMERON or MEDVEDEV or BERLUSCONI anywhere. Not cool.

On a personal note, don't take this personal. I love Europe; this is just constructive criticism.