Maybe She's Born with It?

Hello again, been MIA for quite some time now due to vacations and visits from family and BFF's. So, in short, life is good therefore, I will enjoy it while it lasts.

I would like to present you with some unusual travel photos. Awhile ago, I tried to start a photo bombing sensation called 'slothing' and by 'sensation' I mean, I was the only participant. But that's what makes me unique, right? (said thru buckets of tears)

Now, I present to you the latest photo bombing sensation, 'Going Wild' or 'Maybe She's Born with It, Maybe it's Maybelline'. Pretty sure that I am now being sued by a mascara company.

Try it out for yourself!
Step 1: Find historical and/or religious landmark
Step 2: Flip your hair back with casual sensuality
Step 3: Fail



Photo credit: @daveterryshotyou
Follow Dave on Instagram. He actually takes amazing photos but sometimes he has to deal with mentally deranged models who can only pronounce Stonehenge in a Spinal Tap voice/accent.

Sciency Stuff

My brother just started a pretty chill YouTube channel. If you are a fan of science, Neil Degrasse Tyson, Smarter Every Day, VSauce, Adam Savage or other such channels then you will probably enjoy Gear3.14. Check it out, leave some comments, follow it, tweet it, instagram it, snapchat it or whatever other nonsense the kids are into these days. Hopefully you will learn something new or just enjoy the awe-inspiring artwork/graphics.

This Shit is Important

I know that I have written/typed about language programs and what I would do differently if I were to construct my own language learning curriculum. But, today I have reached a new level of rage with these goddamn language programs. I've been watching some youtube videos on French phrases when suddenly, this goddamn asshole, who is trying to teach me how to order food at a cafe takes waaaay too long teaching me how to say PINEAPPLE PIZZA in french. I wish I didn't know those words/that combination of words in English. Why the fuck would anyone order a goddamn pineapple pizza in FRANCE. If you do plan on ordering this heinous monstrosity then you don't deserve France. Or possibly even life, for that matter. No one goes to the food mecca of the world to order an abomination pizza. And, if they do, then they will leave France in a body bag and rightfully so.

I can't really say that it got worse from there but it didn't get better either. This "native speaker" continues to teach me how to say 'spaghetti' and 'hamburger' in French. Do you know how to say spaghetti and hamburger in French? You guessed it, it's 'spaghetti' and 'hamburger' with a French accent. You are a genius and are now at level 1,000 in French.

Food is pretty simple. Why can't this guy teach me to say, "I would like another napkin"? Or, other words like 'the check', 'spoon', 'ice', 'water' or 'pepper'...you know, words that are TOTALLY DIFFERENT IN FRENCH. In case you were wondering, I did look these words up in French and they are as follows, check/la adition, spoon/cuillere, ice/de la glace, water/eau and pepper/poivre. See, I care about you way more than that youtube asshole and I want you to succeed in France. Also, 'pineapple pizza' is properly pronounced,'va te faire foutre'.

I almost wrote, "Sorry for all the cursing.". But then I was like, nah fuck that. This shit is important. Seriously though, my brother ordered a glass of milk at a bar in Paris and was almost physically assaulted by the waitress. Although, to be fair, if you are going to get that angry about milk then maybe don't put in on the menu. Which, in a nutshell, is why I love France. It's a country full of assholes just like me...not like that youtube guy, he's just inconsiderate.

Celebrity Mad-Libs!

Have you ever wondered why the 'news' talks about people like Jennifer Aniston or George Clooney? You think to yourself, "What was the last good movie these people were in? Why are they still relevant?" The answer is, they are not. They are not still relevant. Here is what these people have been doing for the past 10 years. They have been starring in multi-million dollar ad campaigns over-seas. Why spend 10 months of your life struggling to film a picture that perhaps no one will like, when you can fly on a private jet to Myanmar, and get paid $1 million to hold a fancy pen for 30 minutes. It's not rocket science. Just simple math. Don't act like you wouldn't do it either. If someone said to me, "Hey, you wanna hold this pen for a million dollars? Can you make it look sexy?" If someone said that to me, I would hold the fuck out of that pen....I would make sweet...well, I don't think you want to know how far I am willing to go so, I will just leave it at that....for now.

I have been traveling on planes a lot recently and I have noticed a Hugh Jackman ad for pens and watches in every in-flight magazine from Scandinavia to Greece. So, I have devised a game that will really make the time fly and I am curious to hear your responses. Underneath every ad I have included a quote or what I think Hugh is saying and/or thinking at that exact moment. Try it yourself! It's like mad-libs but with pictures of celebrities selling stupid shit that no one needs.

Help me. I have been locked in this mid-century, modern office for weeks now. I can't remember the smell of my wife's hair after a shower, or the laughter of my children on a Saturday morning. What day is it? Has society fallen? P.S. Don't tell me how The Walking Dead ends...I want to be surprised.

I'm telling you, time is just a construct of human perception on the passing of immaterial societal events. It's an illusion just like this David Blaine show that we are about to watch.

Do you know what death smells like? I do. It smells like fear, rejection and regret. As a soldier of fortune, I have killed far too many nameless men with the stroke of this pen...through their jugulars.

If you are reading this then it's already too late. Either I am stuck inside that snowed-in hotel from the Shining or I have gone totally banana balls and lost my freaking mind. Can you see the 1920's prohibition era dancers behind me or is it all a figment of my twisted mind? Redrum...redrum...

Ok, now it's your turn. Post some quotes or upload your own celebrity ad with an original quote. This needs to be included in college level writing prompts. The possibilities are endless just like time and the fountain of ebony ink flowing from my over-priced, gold in-laid pen.

Gimme All The Free Shit

So, my last vacation sucked out all my money like a broke vampire and now I need to come up with things to do that are free or nearly free. Help me think people! This is what I have so far. I am a fan of lists...if you couldn't already tell.

1.Slothing (duh)

2.Cow tipping

3.Making crop circles

4.Find a sleeping homeless man and shave his beard off

5.Remove all the oranges from my neighbors tree but leave a pitcher of orange juice then leave a note that reads, "You got squeezed bitch!"

6. Go to Victoria's Secret, take all the free catalogs, draw booby tassles on all the models, bring catalogs back to store, as if nothing ever happened. (side note, apparently I don't know how to spell 'catalog' cuz I made it all French for some reason by adding a 'ue' in there instead of an 'o'? Auto-correct then informed me that I am not that fancy and I'm dumb cuz can't spell)

7. Feed Pop Rocks to a cat

8. Pretend to be insane for a day in order to get all the free hospital food and drugs

9. Aquire an enemy and then graffiti that enemies home with the words, "THIS GUY SELLS WEED! BUY YOUR WEED FROM THIS GUY"

10. Re-evaluate my poor life choices

The Queen of Sheba

I don't always write about my travel experiences mostly because I don't want this to turn into a travel blog but with that being said here are some thoughts that I had while on vacation in Israel.

This past month we visited Jerusalem which really just felt like a giant tourist trap. Nothing there is set in stone (pun intended). What I mean by that is none of the historical sites are really verified. Apparently, the story goes that Emperor Constantine's mother was a devout Christian before it was cool. This lady didn't need to post random Bible versus on social media, qualify every statement with #blessed or sit in the front row at church on Sunday mornings with hands held high during a canned Christian power ballad complete with electric guitar solo. Ok, maybe she didn't do these things because she lived like a thousand years ago but don't worry she was still pretty full of herself and her new found #faith.

Constantine's mother took a trip to the holy land and because she was both a powerful and pious Roman woman people came to her with their spiritual questions. Other Romans asked her things like, "Hey, you were in the holy land, so like did you see where they crucified Jesus? Where was He buried? Where did that last supper thing take place? Did you go to temple while there?" So naturally, unable to admit defeat, this woman just started naming random landmarks and claiming that this was where the Christ was buried or killed or ate or caught Pokemon and furthermore, who would challenge her word? She was the Emperor's mother?! Do you wanna get killed bro? Cuz that's how you get killed.

So, in short, that was Jerusalem. Didn't feel particularly spiritual or special but fascinating nonetheless.

While still in this holy city we also learned about the Ethiopian Jews. This is a sect of people who claim to be descendants of the Queen of Sheba. Back in the day the Queen of Sheba was real tight with King Solomon of Israel and they exchanged all kinds of gifts and Solomon even named Sheba an honorary Jew! Who are these people today? Well, they are a group of African Jews who base their heritage on a pretty shaky narrative, at best. They come to Israel to pray and some stay and look for work on the economy. These are the black minority in Israel. They are the people who turn down your hotel room, wash the dishes at restaurants and do other such menial labor that the rest of us don't want to do. They work in silence and most tourists don't make eye contact with them because it makes us feel bad. (myself included)

At the end of our 2 day excursion to Jerusalem our tour guide took us to the National Holocaust Museum. My husband and I weren't looking forward to this part of the trip. I have already visited former concentration camps Buchenwald and Dachau in Germany so I wasn't keen to end my day on another sour note. But this is where my point will start to take shape and the real meaning behind this blog post.

We were incredibly impressed with this memorial/museum. I distinctly remember being in Germany amidst a perfectly manicured lawn with former smoke stacks in the background thinking that I would feel something but I honestly didn't. I remember having a sense of wonder at theses devices that were created for one purpose only, to incinerate human cadavers. We learn about the holocaust in school, on TV, in books and thru media from such a young age that we start to become somewhat desensitized to it. But at this museum I couldn't hold back my tears. We were brought to a children's memorial which consisted of a black room, full of tiny flickering lights all around you and one by one they each burnt out, representing every child who died during "the final solution". Leading up to this area you discover all the people, historical figures, politicians, religious leaders and every day folk of Germany and around the world who said, 'This will never happen! No one REALLY hates these people. These are just common annoyances.' Again and again it was those who didn't speak up or didn't DO anything to fight unchecked racism and hatred or just believed that the impossible couldn't happen.

This emotional experience made me realize something. We can't be the same generation of naysayers or those who choose to remain silent. Oh sure, I don't hate anyone, heaven forbid! I just don't make eye-contact with the Ethiopian maid who takes the towels out of my hotel room. Who have we silently become? History has shown us the error of remaining quiet and we are truly foolish to think this could never happen again. Or has it already? Do we cry out for Africa on a daily basis? Do we really understand the genocides that have taken place amongst those nations? Black people in Israel are dish washers and servants. Black people in America are shot for 'looking like thugs'.

Black lives matter. We give special attention to those of us who are underappreciated in life. No, I don't need to say that all lives matter or blue lives matter. That is understood. Think about it another way. In America we celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day because so often we under appreciate our parents and the sacrifices they made for us. Society doesn't need a Son's Day or Daughter's Day because children are typically over-appreciated. I wonder what would have happend, in the days leading up to WWII, if the world had stood in solidarity and proclaimed, Jewish Lives Matter. I wonder if the modern day Ethiopian identifies with the Jewish narrative and that gives them more reason to be a practicing Jew than a far fetched lineage to the Queen of Sheba? Perhaps they see something of themselves in another group who has been disenfranchised for millennia? Enslaved? Cursed? Murdered?

At the end of the day it doesn't really matter where Jesus was crucified. We don't know, we will probably never know and it is immaterial. What do we know? We know about the holocaust. It is fact. It is vitally important to our understanding of human relations and culture clashes. We know that black people are the subjugates throughout time and place. So let's work with what we know. Be the person who won't remain silent. Be the person who looks a man in the eyes. I will do these things with you. I don't know where the last supper took place but I do know that Christ was a prophet/Messiah/man who spoke up for those that society had bound.

Explorers' Club

Smoking cigars, surrounded by leather furniture in an atmosphere of thick storytelling has been a dream of mine for quite some time. When I was 6, my dream was to become a unicorn, sadly that dream never came to fruition but becoming a member of the Explorers Club is a fantasy which is actually within reach.

In order to become a member of this prestigious group there are several requirements. First and foremost you need to be more than just a tourist; so unfortunately, I can't put my trip to Dollywood on my application. You must have been an active participant in at least 2 scientific expeditions. Lucky for me, I plan on going on an archaeological dig in Israel and, even more lucky, I have 2 community college credits in BOTH archaeology AND astronomical geology. BOOM! Pretty much an expert at this point. In addition, I have seen ALL the Indiana Jones movies including the terrible 'Crystal Skull' installment of the franchise. I still need to work on my whip technique and (people tell me) that I have an atrocious American accent when I speak Hindi and Bengali.

This club doesn't initiate poor people either. You have to pay dues, which are pretty steep. I guess they just want to keep the riff raff, of the scientific community, out of the club. Can't have a bunch of Dr. Zoidbergs running around. This poses an immediate hindrance to me seeing as I am 'poor'. There is currently no medical cure for 'poor' but I have faith in the medical community. There should really be more 5k's raising money for the cure to 'poor'. Every dollar helps.

Not quite sure how I should conduct my second scientific expedition though? I imagine that I might have to leave the couch and put pants on, which could create a problem. Also, why does "field work" require so many pants? It's like, I'm in the FIELD dude! No one knows if I was wearing pants or not so just chill out. When Jonas Edward Salk created the cure for polio did anyone ask him if he was wearing pants at the time? NO! (Ok, pants rant over) Maybe I should start out small. Like, I really need to explore the dollar menu more at Wendy's. I mean, don't you want to know which side item will pair best with a small frosty and chili? I am conducting this research for you, really. This is for science people.

What are some other Value Menu's, err...I mean "expedition sites" that I should explore? Leave your ideas in the comments and let's explore together!

Expert Food Blogging Tips

Pro-tip: While at your local hip cafe be sure to bring your laptop, dope sunglasses, blasé attitude and iphone to Instagram your hip coffee and pastry.

Why you ask? Because then the adorable owner will enlighten you on all his glorious confections in the pastry case. He uses only European butter in the hand made Mexican conchas mixed with Mexican vanilla and then allows the dough to rest for 24 hours instead of the pedestrian 8. You will also be given copious amounts of free samples that the other civilian customers could only dream of. Our friendly neighborhood pastry chef goes out of his way to give you a unique experience because he believes that you are a food blogger due to the fact that you are actually blogging and taking pics of your food.

What this entrepreneur doesn't know is that you are, in fact, NOT a food blogger. You blog about things like, "Can I fill my Culligan water cooler with vodka?", "Girl Scout cookies that are past their prime," "Am I too old for ripped jeans and crop tops" and "Who wants to pay for my master's degree in linguistics so that I can work for S.H.I.E.L.D".

It's ok, I will take the free Mexican concha and coffee and I will even pimp out your business right here, on this blog that no one reads!

Thanks again, La Panaderia in San Antonio, you are the best panaderia this side of the Rio Grande.

Xtreme Vacationing (Transylvania Edition)

Relaxation is not something that I am good at. Wait, let me take that back. I am amazing at relaxation. Netflix is my bitch. My couch is a trusty steed. Cookie scented Yankee Candles are all up in this! However, when it comes to vacations I just forget how to chill.

I am not capable of just going to a Sandals resort or sailing the Caribbean on a cruise like normal people. I see vacations as some kind of a challenge. Vacations are my adventures. Every single vacation has to involve vomiting (at least once) some sort of misery mobile i.e. murder bus, death train thru the desert, hell metro, etc. My leisure time should also include extreme spots with minor injuries, narrowly escaping a shanking and usually witnessing some sort of prostitution or obscene public act.

Holidays are for spas, family time and mild sight seeing. My holiday is for throwing up in a Romanian night club, heat stroke, ingesting "medications", living in squalor at hostels and befriending Russian punks.

Extended breaks leave me exhausted, penniless and hungover. Yet, I would happily hop back on the murder bus and do it all over again. I don't know what exactly is wrong with me but if I did I don't think I would want to fix it.

I have uploaded two short videos (for your amusement) that perfectly showcase the antithesis of relaxation. Hiking up mystery mountain in Transylvania....I'm pretty sure that last phrase was a tagline to some B level horror movie.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zI08WywgXiE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNlr4VNtfoY

Algorithms Are Terrible Bankers

No matter how many times (587 to be exact) I tell my bank that I have moved (because we are in the military a.k.a vagabonds and this is never going to change so get used to it) my credit card STILL gets declined!

Today, I spoke with a cards services representative and he told me that the real problem lies within the algorithms. "Your bank has almost no control over your card being declined. There exists an algorithm that tracts what countries or states commit the most credit card fraud and that data can change day by day or even hour to hour. The computer system then flags your card for suspicious activity and the bank immediately declines all further purchases until they hear from the consumer"

Computers are finally running our lives. If this is the case then shouldn't I at least get a jet-pack or something out of the deal? Machines take away my freedom of choice and humanity but in return I gain a jet-pack. I was promised jet-packs by the Jetsons. We have been lied to. An infinite series of zeros and ones controls my money and I don't even get any cool glasses like La Forge from Star Trek. Can I get a protocol droid like C-3P0? I would even settle for a cool beverage that is electric green, smokes and contains a live lizard. Seriously, you could buy me off with weird futuristic cocktails, I don't ask for much people! (I mean ROBOTIC OVERLORDS)

Somewhere in cyberspace lies the debris of declined purchases. Nothing can stand in the way of this mathematical juggernaut, the Algorithm.

Catch the Wave at Pompeii!

Apparently, people died at Pompeii. Did you know this? Because Pompeii assumes that you were unaware of the massive death toll during the city's infamous volcanic explosion.

Here are the remains of a citizen of ancient Pompeii who, I can only assume, died in the fury of Vesuvius but let's look closer, shall we?

Closer...

You mean to tell me that this guy didn't make it?! Lava flows can kill?! I thought he would have lived. This guy looks pretty good to me? I can't believe he's dead. I just thought everybody boogie boarded outta there on top of the Big Sur lava ocean?! I learned sooo much at Pompeii!!! Highly educational BUT there were far too many Asian tourists so I am gonna have to give Pompeii 1 star on Trip Advisor....

Google Maps FML

This is what happens to me every time I use Google Maps. I know that there must be a better way of getting from point A to point B but I am not familiar enough with the area to figure it out myself. I have also  included a photo of the roadway system here in Italy. It is indecipherable yet delicious and full of carbs.

Deutschland and Other Mythical Places

I am heading off to Germany tomorrow, so no posts whilst in the land of Grimm my friends! Germany has always seemed to exist in another plane of existence, to me. It is the Asgard of Europe. The land of castles, fairy tales, dirndls, lederhosen and beers the size of your face! (And I have a big face)

As Americans, we love to boast about all of our freedoms but in Germany you get a whole new set of "freedoms". You can drive at break-neck speeds on the autobahn without a cop in sight! Suck it NASCAR!!! Open container laws? I don't even think there are words for that last phrase in German. You can party till the sun comes up, literally. My hungover eyes saw the sun one too many times while there.

America has some pretty great freedoms too though, like speech and what not but I think our two great societies should meet somewhere in the middle. For instance, if beer stands were located right outside voting booths, in America, A LOT more people would vote. If we sent real criminals (like K$sha) to jail instead of ticketing people who are going 5 miles over the speed limit then our society would have a lot less crime and I could finally get to the voting booth on time WITH time leftover for a frosty stein of beer. Public transportation would also be nice because, as it turns out, the PUBLIC really likes to TRANSPORT themselves to, like, work...and stuff. Lastly, if I could party all night long then I would not be forced to come home at an hour in which the only programming left on cable TV is re-run after re-run of Three's Company. THE HORROR.

Let's be friends Germany, maybe not lover's (It's not you, it's me) but really good beer drinking buddies.

Rosetta Pietra

I am learning Italian through Rosetta Stone; which is not a bad program. It's not great, but for the money, it is pretty good. What I love about all language courses is the useless material you receive and open ended questions. They teach you to say things like, "I am lost", "Where is the library", "How do I get to the airport" and other directional based questions. Most of these question phrases are found in level 2 whereas, the ANSWERS are found in level 4. So you can ask questions all day but you will never know the response!! Things like "left", "right", "straight", "east", "west" would have been helpful in the SAME lesson.

Here you will find a list of phrases that I have no idea when/if I will ever use them.

1. Sono imbarazzato perché ho ​​dimenticato i pantaloni

Translation: I am embarrassed because I forgot my pants.

2. Io studio per fare l'idraulico.

Translation: I am studying to become a plumber

3. Il cane salta oltre il recinto.

Translation: The dog jumps over the fence.

4. Ho perso il mio palloncino.

Translation: I have lost my balloon.

5. Le balene nuotono nell'oceano.

Translation: The whales swim in the ocean.



Here you will find a list of phrases that would be way more helpful in my day to day life.

1. Scusa segnora, sei una prostituta?

Translation: Excuse me ma'am, are you a prostitute?

2. Dove si trova il negozio di liquori e quanto tardi e aperto fino?

Translation: Where is the liquor store and how late is it open till?

3. Ufficiale, non e colpa mia.

Translation: Officer, it's not my fault.

4. Dov'e la piscina di Nutella?

Translation: Where is the Nutella pool?

5. Cosa vuoi dire non posso fare skateboard nello Vatican?! Pensavo c'e un parco di pattina?

Translation: What do you mean I can't skateboard inside the Vatican?! I thought it was a skate park?!


The name of my Italian language book will be called Rosetta Pietra. Pietra means stone in Italian. See! You are ALREADY learning and just from the book title, ALONE!!!

Traveling on a Budget

Who doesn't travel on a budget? Doesn't everyone have a budget? I mean, even Kanye West has a budget, right? I'm sure if Kanye didn't have a budget that instead of staying at fancy hotels that he would just buy each hotel he stayed at, right? Or buy a home in every place he stayed at? That is a BIG budget but it is still a budget.

I have a significantly smaller budget than Kanye West. Trust me, I am as shocked as you are by that statement. So, I have compiled some more travel tips for the poor, the broke, the college kid, the 30 yr. old who still thinks they are a college kid and those who just don't understands "budgets".

I try to pack as light as humanly possible so that the air line won't charge me for an over-sized bag or for extra luggage. So, things like perfume don't come with me on vaca; instead, every morning, I go to a fancy department store, find the most expensive perfume and spray myself with it. The 100 euro perfume really washes away the stank of hostel living.

Ok now you are smellin' fresh! Now what? You want to hit up a club you say? All those guys on the beach passing out flyers? TAKE EVERY ONE OF THEM. Lost in the "Jim Belushi" of marketing you will find at least one free entrance to a club. GO TO THAT CLUB. It could be the best experience of your life OR the most hilarious.

Beverages? I'm not talkin' about Capri Suns here, although Capri Suns are delicious. Damn! Now I want a Capri Sun. Oh well. While out at bars, on vacation, don't order mixed drinks! Fancy places will put almost zero booze in them and then proceed to charge you 11 euros for said beverage. Stick to beer and wine. You are so classy right now with your 100 euro scent and Schlitz beer! Here, let me put an umbrella in that beer for you. Now, isn't that better? I can now charge you at LEAST 8 euros for that beer!

Try out these travel tips on your next vaca. I want to hear about them! Stay classy globetrotters!

You Are My Shaman Rick steves

Might not be blogging these next two weeks because I will be in Spain getting some'o that sweet strange and by "sweet strange" I mean, "an industrial size bucket of churros."

As always, Rick Steves will be my guide on this surrealist journey through jamon, tapas and hordes of euro trash. Leg one of my journey will be on the island of Ibiza where I will be partying with celebrities and by "celebrities" I mean, Steve Guttenberg. Is Steve Guttenberg even still alive? I will find out for you. Don't worry! Second leg will be Barcelona, where I will lose my mind in an endless Gaudi/Dali induced hypnosis. Third leg (how did I get three legs?...tripod joke?) will be the majestic Mardrid! I won't go to the bull ring but I do hope to see a ring of bulls, which is similar to Johnny Cash's ring of fire but with more beef.

Hasta luego mis amigos!

It's Pronounced, " 'Merica "

Things I miss from America:
Driving everywhere
Chick-Fil-A
Live music
HBO
Barbeque
Guns
Theme Parks and water parks
Movies
Bowling
NPR


Things I don't miss from America:
Country music
Chipotle
Republicans
Mega-churches
Guns (Ask me why guns are on both lists)
Fox News
Reality TV
Super sized things
Salt water taffy
Pick-up trucks and (more specifically) pick-up truck drivers

America, like anywhere and anyone, has it's good side and it's bad. She will ask you to take photos of her only after she has sucked in her gut and within that gut is Honey Boo Boo. America wants you to know about all of it's freedoms and proud history but not about reality TV and churches such as Hobby Lobby or is it a business...wait it might be a person too?

 America is confusing, at times,  and she keeps you guessing like a theme park based around the history of the Bible. I can honestly say, that through all of my travels, America is the weirdest place I have ever been/lived. That is what makes the United States so great! It's weird and you don't have to like it or apologize. Just wait. America is always cookin' something up. If you are tired of Republicans they will flip flop with the Democrats, eventually. If you can't stand country music just wait for the country/rock backlash where true musicians rise up and fight the tyranny of, "She Thinks my Tractor's Sexy".

 America is liquid just like the great Mississippi River or the Guadalupe; ever flowing and ever changing. America is more than just a land mass. It's ideals. It's Taco Bell. It's the constitution. It's Forever 21 and Elizabeth Warren. It's ridiculous and sincere. It has it's faults, mainly the San Andreas but also Sunny D (What is that stuff?!). Just like family members, we complain about them when their there but we miss them when they are gone. I do miss you America, the good and the bad. Wait, I take that back I just don't miss Honey Boo Boo...at all. 'Merica!

$30 Flights and Other Mythical Creatures

People are constantly telling me how cheap travel in Europe is and those people are full of doo doo. Travel in Europe IS cheap if you are willing to whore yourself across the continent and I'm all outta tricks people.  I'm always hearing about $30 plane flights to all of these amazing places. When I go to book my flight I end up paying $800. If I tell people how much I paid for my plane tickets I immediately receive scoffs, "What?! I only paid $100 for that same flight?! Why didn't you go to X or Y website to book?!" Umm, I did go to those websites and they do have cheap flights IF you want to fly out of someplace that is 4 hours away from your local airport, at 3 AM., fly for 12 hours with an 8 hour layover in a town you have never even heard of and then you would have to immediately fly back the next day. Those are the only $30 flights that exist.  If I did receive a $30 plane ticket, that should have been $800, I would just assume that that plane would take me to the island from LOST and I am not about that.

Other lies:
"I made $500 in tips last night, as a waitress, at Applebee's"
"Santa Claus"
"The Toothe Fairy"
"You can't put a price on education!" (Yes, yes you can and it's too damn high)
"There are other fish in the sea." (Gross, who wants to date a fish, sick)
"The Easter Bunny"
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away"
"You can write off your gas on your taxes"
"I was upgraded to first class for free!"

Other mythical creatures:
Unicorns
Non-stop flights
Dragons
Comfortable airline seats
Babies that don't cry
...or poop
Griffins
Husbands who HATE sports
Centaurs

Old Timey Photos

All beach towns, cheesy resorts and Branson, Missouri have these "Old Timey Photos" everywhere. What are old timey photos? These are photos of your scantily clad Aunt Barb awkwardly stroking a large Smith and Wesson rifle all while giving "bed room eyes" to your 52-year-old Uncle Jim, who for some reason is wearing a fake handle-bar mustache, spurs and a slightly too tight leather vest because the "Old Timey Photo Booth" was out of a men's XL pot-belly size, so he had to squeeze himself into the child's "husky" size, instead.

We've all seen/and or done these horrible family photos but I am always left somewhat disappointed. I want a REAL "Old Timey Photo". I didn't know that Old Timey translates to, only the American West circa 1802-1898 via Billy the Kid. I want to pose nude with only a fig leaf, an apple and a snake! Now, that's Old Timey!!! Or how about dressing up like the Allied Forces battling the Nazis?! That's Old Timey.

I think if someone set up an "Old Timey Photo" booth that specialized in the Jurassic era, that person would make a million bucks! Who doesn't want to be the family dressed up as T-Rexs', velociraptors and plesiosaurs?! Slap an Instagram filter on that, perhaps some sepia tones, and you've got yourself a memory; all it needs is someone throwing up on the tilt-a-whirl, some kettle corn and (as always) some salt-water taffy.

When in Rome, Eat a Hot Dog and French Fry Pizza

I promise all my blogs won't be about Italy, now that I'm living here, but I can't promise that some of them won't be about Italy. See what I did there?

What is authentic? If I want to dress up as Batman, on a daily basis, is this unauthentic because I am neither man nor bat? If I put dreads in my hair, is this unauthentic because I am neither Jamaican nor Rastafarian? My heart is in an authentic place so I feel like these count? My heart is also drunk most of the time so I try not to listen to it. The last time that I "Followed my heart" I ended up at a Styx concert and eating pancakes at 2 a.m. from IHOP, which stands for, "I Hate these Overly-expensive Pancakes". Did I mention that I hate IHOP? I hate IHOP; now you know.

I can only assume that everything in Italy is authentic because it is made by actually Italians. Yesterday, I watched in horror as a child ordered a french fry and hot dog pizza. No I am not making this up. If you ordered this at a Chuck E. Cheeses, you would assume that a middle aged man wearing a giant rat costume came up with this idea while extremely high and possibly drunk. It's the kind of thing I wouldn't eat in public for fear of hipster judgement and not being "authentic". In times of doubt I turn to philosophy and religion. What would Jesus do, you ask?

I Corinthians 10:23 KJV "All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient : all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not."

I feel like a french fry and hot dog pizza does not edify but I will not judge you for eating this truly authentic, Italian made, pizza because "Judge not, that ye be not judged." Matthew 7:1 KJV.

Holy pope emperor this blog just got religious! I take my food seriously, religiously! Pizza in Italy may be authentic but it doesn't mean I have to like it. Italy is home to Christendom and Pizza; some of it is authentic and some of it is just for tourists