Colonial Williamsburg

Roadside tourist traps are nothing new. "Cosmos Mystery Area", "The Thing", "WonderWorld" these are all real places with real stupid outcomes. But, most of these places only cost a few bucks and they do, in fact, have something to show you, even if it is just a snake with two heads. (Which, by the way, is awesome) All of these establishments also have pretty massive gift shops attached as well. These roadside carnys really just want you to buy a piece of geode with your name on it, misspelled, of course, because that's where they make the real money. It is literally mind boggling how many of these places have sucked me in and yes, I have the pictures and fridge magnets to prove it. However, none was so insulting as Colonial Williamsburg.

Williamsburg charges you $37 just to get in and once you have bled out all your cash for this roadside stop you realize, upon entering, that anyone can enter for free! There are local college students out on a jog, senior citizens out walking their dogs and other such townies out and about all over this place. There is also nothing "Colonial" about Williamsburg. It is a re-creation of a period town and apparently that period contained gift shops galore!!! Turns out that the admission ticket just gets you into a giant "old-timey" strip mall.

Once you're in, there is no getting your money back so I took it in stride and proceeded to obtain a nice buzz bordering on total drunkenness. Then I made some tactical errors. I ended up buying a fife, a book of music for my fife, a candy apple that had seen better days, and two $6 candy bars and then I fell into a drunken coma in a Barnes and Noble.

I'm not sure if I learned anything about America at Colonial Williamsburg...no wait, I did learn something. Americans are geniuses at capitalism. I'm sure we were selling candy apples to the natives the second we got off that boat and buying land for beads, because we are heartless capitalistic dousche bags. And to think, all this because I wanted to see a snake with two heads?

There is Such a Thing as a Dumb Question

I've always had professors say to me, "There is no such thing as a dumb question." This is a fallacy. If you think you should have learned something a long time ago, like everyone else, you are probably right. So, instead of wasting my time and everyone else's with your bone-head question look it up online first. Seriously people. For centuries mankind has had to sift thru massive libraries, study nature and just live a long life in order to obtain knowledge, yet now we have ALL known knowledge at our cyber fingertips and we STILL ask stupid questions and are incapable of using this god-like cyber universe of information...which is also free and ANYONE can use it. Women, children, ethnic peoples, disabled, literally anyone!

Other questions don't even involve actual knowledge but rather common sense. These are the worst of the dumb-ass questions. Ex. "Do I have to turn this in on time?" What do you think? Dumb-ass. These kinds of questions I usually don't even acknowledge with a response because it would waste precious oxygen.

Bottom line is if you think it is a stupid question...it is and you are dumb no matter what some free-lovin', hippy professor tells you.

Instrument Shaped Objects

Anything made by the company First Act should come with a disclaimer to all parents noting that they are purchasing an "Instrument shaped object" and it should not be used in any musical settings. Playing said "instrument" in a musical setting could result in hypertension, explosive diarrhea, night terrors and hysteria.

Parents, ask yourself these questions when purchasing an instrument for your child. You are willing to spend $100 a month on lessons but not more than $50 on the instrument that is supposed to carry them thru middle and or high school? Are you purchasing your "instrument" at the same store that you buy personal lubricant, toaster strudels and Christian pop albums from a $1 bin? Is this "instrument" bright pink and covered in unicorns? Did you have a coupon for it? These are all signs that you might have just purchased an "instrument shaped object" instead of the real deal.

I'm just trying to help here people because in life there are instruments and there are cheap evil instrument shaped doppelgangers. Much like Michelle Bachmnan. Sure she looooks human but she is actually a cyborg sent here from the future...you see what I did there, I got political for no apparent reason. I just M. Night Shyamalaned you!!

Facebook

Ok so everyone is complaining about the make over that facebook recently underwent. I'm not a big fan of plastic surgery but since facebook is going that route whether we like it or not here are my suggestions for their next nip and or tuck.

1. You can have people listed as either "friends" or "family" in your side bar but I have a few more categories I would like to add such as "Enemies" You know you have them and that you are currently stalking them on facebook to make sure that your life is better than theirs so that you can win...at life or whatever.

2. "People who added me but I have no idea who they are" ok this is your fault for accepting their friend request but hey we all have one of two of these lying around our facebook cyber home.

3. Instead of sending out only "friend requests" how about "enemy requests" you know to go with your "enemies" listing. It cuts right to the chase! Let's be nemesis and stalk each other with out the guise of "friendship" weighing us down.

4. I would like to be able to type in a topic into the search bar and search my friends/enemies comments that way. Instead of the crap shoot gamble of having to hear about my cousins stupid baby, what my hippy friend had for dinner last night or my enemy getting his master's degree (what a tool).

Ex. I could type in "gigs" and only posts in reference to upcoming performances would come up. Or "wedding" and find out whose getting hitched or "Glee fan" so I can find out who my next enemy will be! But these are only suggestions to get you going.

5. Languages. Pirate is lame people, get over it. I want to set my language to Kardashian or Demon...oh wait those are the same thing, whatever you get my drift. Under Demon, instead stating the word "Comments" it would state "Bard songs of vanquished foes" ....awesome.

Also, feel free to thank me anytime Tom for these incredible changes. Your welcome.

Never Ending Needs to End

I am literally insulted by the Never Ending ploy that most restaurants use to suck in the morbidly obese. Not because it's making America fat; we can do that on our own but because it's making us broke.

IHOP often offers never ending pancakes. These bottomless confections will run you about $7 to $8. Now, consider the fact that an entire box of pancake mix (the kind in which all you have to add is water) costs between $1 and $2 and heck I can't even eat an entire box of pancakes. That's like 50 pancakes?! And you, IHOP, have the audacity to charge me up to $8 for oh I don't know, about 4 pancakes. Because that's all I'm capable of consuming. Heck I'm not even allowed to order more to go or get any of the specialty cakes that I can't make at home?! Balderdash I say!

Next on the chopping block is Olive Garden. Keep in mind this is my favorite restaurant and YES I have been to Italy. This either speaks to how trashy I am or the mind control device that Olive Garden has implanted in my brain. Either way. Olive Garden (OG) offers never ending pasta once a year around August. This pasta does not include meat, that is extra. Never ending pasta costs about $12 not including tip. Once again an entire box of pasta (almost any cut) will run you about $1 a jar of sauce will cost about $3 now I'm no mathematician but that is considerably less than what Olive Garden charges and also I CAN'T EAT THAT MUCH F*CKING FOOD! Whew, that got intense.

Ok, I'm back and a little calmer now. Red Robin also offers bottomless steak fries with any burger. Keep in mind the average burger costs $12 there. I could go to McDonald's and get a whole meal, including drink for like $5 or $6 and yeah it's really not that different. It's a burger people...it's. a. burger.

Last on the chopping block for today is Red Lobster. RL offers bottomless cheese biscuits year round. I'm okay with this one because I can't make these at home and I get as many of these little diabetes makers no matter what I order. Mmm, Hurricane and cheesy biscuits. That's a power lunch. However, RL also offers never ending shrimp once a year around September/October. Now, at first this seems like a good deal since any seafood is pretty expensive right? Wrong! Let's crunch the numbers. Never ending shrimp costs $16 (not including beverage and tip). A bag of peeled, de-veined, frozen shrimp costs about $10 to $12. A much smaller price difference here but keep in mind that once AGAIN most of us can't even eat more than one plate at any restaurant and that bag of shrimp contains 50 to 70 shrimp(s).

Look, the bottom line is that whenever you see the words "Never Ending" that should translate to you as "Rip-Off". And now when we run into each other at the Olive Garden we can both judge each other over our pasta primavera.

Closures Part Deux

Quick update on my Driver's License situation. I went to the DMV (AGAIN) today to have my last name changed to my new married name and to get my new address on the ID as well. Well, everything went fine. A little too fine. Suspiciously fine? When I got all the way back home I looked at my receipt and realized that they put down an incorrect birthday for me??!! So, I call the DMV to try to get them to change this info before it gets sent to the capital. Of course, the lady on the phone tells me that I have to drive back down there to prove my actual birth date. Now, why do this? I brought them all these same documents the first time and clearly they didn't look at them. So why do this again? Well, I did it anyways and supposedly it is now fixed. However the real surprise will come in 2 weeks when I get the hard copy of my new license in the mail. Who knows what will be on it! NORFOLK DMV on WIGDEON RD IS THE WORST DMV EVEEEEEER!!!!! Can you taste my rage? It's palpable.

Money Ball

Brad Pitt, I'm sure that you are a good actor. I'm sure that you love what you do but I just can't take you seriously. You are just too good looking. Sorry.

Really, a baseball manager? The whole time I'm thinking, why isn't this guy a super model or a movie star...ruins the whole movie

Really, an upstart entrepreneur for a local fight club for losers? Nope, super model.

Really, a detective risking his life to find the Seven killer? You should be risking your liver functions from too many Mai Tais from a run-way show after party in Miami.

Really, a big time thief in the Ocean's movies? Seriously, you couldn't find work as a model? Had to resort to stealing? I don't buy it.

The only movie I could ever take you seriously in was Troy because you played a Greek Demi-God. (WHICH IS WHAT YOU ARE!!)

For a more comprehensive list of movies that Brad Pitt has ruined please refer to http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000093/