Straight to Torrent

I recently watched a "film" on Netflix entitled Solomon Kane. This movie was awesome in the same sense that Alien Vs. Predator was awesome. You won't learn anything, grow as a human being or be inspired by the artistry of cinema but dammit if you aren't gonna see a leathery pirate beat the shit outta some demons!

Solomon Kane is a B movie but what is a B movie? How do such films come to B? (pun intended) Who is the target audience for shitty movies? I want to know what the studio pitch for this film was. "Ok guys, let's get someone who kinda looks like Hugh Jackman but doesn't cost what Hugh Jackman costs and then let's get him to fight some demons in 15th century England and oh yeah, well we blew the budget on the Hugh Jackman look alike so let's just throw some video game level CGI over the whole thing? Sound good?" Clearly, the studio KNOWS this movie is going straight to video/DVD/Netflix, right? Netflix is riddled with "films" I have never heard of and yet some asshole out there is giving them all 5 star ratings. I think the studio execs who produce this fodder are just trolling Netflix and giving their "films" excellent ratings.

I just don't understand how these movies make money? Video stores don't exist anymore. Nobody buys movies anymore and Netflix and Hulu are both super cheap. I think the next step is to skip the "straight to video" and instead just go straight to Torrent. The B movie industry might just B a huge money laundering scheme.

Cuba Libre!!

Last December I sailed the high seas of the caribbean for my friend's wedding.But I had bigger dreams than nuptiuals, awkward speeches and midnight buffets; I wanted to take over Cuba. I wanted to prove that a small boat full of white people could take over a country inhabited by millions of ethnic peoples within a few weeks or months. Does this make me racist you ask? No. It makes me a pro-active historian/anthropologist and , with my research, I could help future native peoples to stave off white invasions.

I made several attempts to take over Cuba but ultimately I couldn't get the power of the crew (i.e. other wedding guests) behind me. During our fancy dinners at night the captain of the ship was often at this feasting. I called for a coupe. He was unarmed, un-maned and would never have seen it coming! My plan was to create a diversion by getting one of the groomsmen to take over the band and start playiing "cop killer" on casio keyboard while I would put the captain in a krav maga hold and then declare myself the new captain. Clearly these groomsmen were total pussies/didn't know all the words to "cop killer". My second failed attempt was to call on a full-on mutiny in protest of the terrible chocolate lava cake that was served at literally every dinner. I mean how can you mess up lava cake? It was the best thing on the menu and it was a let down every time I or anyone else ordered it?! But, I digress. My third and final attempt was to get all crew members and passengers to one side of the boat (port) in order to force the ship towards Cuba.

In hindsigt, wedding guests and 50-yr.-old, Hawaiian shirt wearing, Jimmy Buffet enthusiasts were not the best crew members for a future pirate ship/Cuban settlers. If you or anyone you know can find a way to take over Cuba let me know and my tri-pointed hat off to you sir or madaam.

-True story...of fantasy