Monday, February 20, 2017

Happy Birthday Georgie Boy!


Today is President's Day/George Washington's birthday/no school. Which is why I work. Left to my own devices on such boring holidays I just end up trolling Amazon and buying things that I don't need but telling myself pretty little lies like, "You NEED this anti-cellulite cream because it's probably the miracle product that your thighs NEED and summer is coming up! I NEED to prepare." or "This over-priced candle will make my house smell like Ernest Hemingway's seaside bungalow after smoking a rich Cuban cigar during a papaya-tinted, ocean, sunset and I NEED that smell in my life." Another popular lie. "I clearly NEED all these fancy books because right now my bookshelf is littered with such titles as What The Fuck Should I Make for Dinner, Pocket Dolly Parton Wisdom and You Suck. I NEED to class this dumpster fire up!" Also, "Who doesn't NEED all 13 seasons of The Pioneer Woman streaming straight to all of my devices?!"

I am clearly delusional but whateves because I supported democracy, capitalism and the U.S. postal service today when I purchased glittery silly putty because it's a "stress-reliever". Isn't this what Presidents Day is all about anyways?

Happy birthday George Washington and I hope you enjoy the succulent growing inside a tiny glass pyramid that I bought you/us.


Saturday, February 4, 2017

Are Tears a Carb?

I gotta be honest. After all my feminist rants, I will say this, that when it comes to fitness men definitely have it the worst. Now, I'm not talking about height, boobs, eye color or other things about your body that you cannot change. I am strictly talking about fitness level here. Women just have to be thin and that's about it. We aren't really expected to be cut or 'shredded'. Hell, just look at the actress who is playing Wonder Woman in the up-coming DC film. She looks like she could be blown over by a strong fart. Like, don't eat Taco Bell around this lady, it might blow her straight to the land of OZ. This actress also loves to tout her time in the Israeli military. However, keep in mind that military service (for both genders) is compulsory in Israel, so, big whoop lady. This woman is tall and thin so she gets to be Wonder Woman. Her training probably consisted of only eating salads and drinking her own tears. Oh wait, are tears a carb?

On the other hand, it's not good enough for men to be at a healthy body weight but they must also be in the shape of people who are quite literally inhuman. Male body goals are mythical gods, mutants, aliens, cyborgs and chimeras. Doesn't really seem fair. Just look at this magazine cover. Side note, I can't quite seem to escape the omnipresent marketing powerhouse that is Hugh Jackman. Ok, so not only do men need to be 'shredded' but now they need blades coming out of their hands?! How many bicep curls do you have to do before you start seeing blade gains? Is there some supplement out there that will boost my bodies natural levels of adamantium? Does Colonel Stryker own a gym?



I'm really sorry men. This isn't fair. Just know that showing off your pudgy bodies with bladeless hands is equally as brave as me showing off my cellulite at the beach. You are beautiful. You are perfect. Most girls aren't even into retractable blade hands anymore. So, don't sweat it.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Alice Through the Glass Ceiling

There once was a young girl who fell into an alien world. At times, this little girl felt quite small, scared, lost, confused and embarrassed. She was thrown into a world that she didn't belong to. Although she struggled, she also grew quite tall, brave and powerful; strong enough to take on the aristocracy and injustice. However, this exotic world was just a dream or was it a nightmare? Alice awoke to find herself as a normal girl again in a normal world. Everything was as it should be.

The famous psychedelic 60's rock group Jefferson Airplane wrote a very unique song to accompany this children's book and it had quite a different interpretation of the narrative. Pardon me as I paraphrase: One pill makes you smaller, one pill makes you larger

It's astounding to think about the power behind just one little pill.

Being a woman is somewhat timeless. Our experiences may differ in setting or political, religious and philosophical background noise but we have all, throughout history, experienced fear, confusion, and embarrassment due to our gender. Women have to find the perfect balance. We can't be too smart or too dumb. One should never be too tall, unless you are a model, of course. Your hair can't be too long or too short and it should only exist on your head and nowhere else. You shouldn't be running around questioning things! My God, you are running out of time! Time! Your very body is a clock, nature's precious clock. Be sure to go to school before time runs out. But, you won't have enough time to put that degree to work because your children will need you first.

In the modern era, women have become masters of time. We go to school, we work, we raise the next generation, we write music, poems, books, annoying blog posts and hit TV sitcoms. It's exhausting just thinking about all the things that we women do in a day. For many of us, one little pill has given us this mastery of time. Science has offered us a choice. That choice is what makes America great. If you want to take away our choices then at least remember little Alice. I used to be like her (and some days I revert back). I was once confused, lost and constantly embarrassed. I was embarrassed to talk about a little pill that gave me so much control and safety. I was scared that others wouldn't understand. I didn't understand why others were so interested in the state of my body.

I still feel like Alice but now I'm the 10 foot tall Alice battling the queen. However, I didn't ask for any of this. Just like Alice, I was thrown into a world that I wish I could wake up from. I wish that everything could just be normal again.

One pill makes you smaller
One pill makes you larger
One pill gives you power
One pill grants you freedoms
One pill gives you time

Thursday, December 29, 2016

This Shit is Important


I know that I have written/typed about language programs and what I would do differently if I were to construct my own language learning curriculum. But, today I have reached a new level of rage with these goddamn language programs. I've been watching some youtube videos on French phrases when suddenly, this goddamn asshole, who is trying to teach me how to order food at a cafe takes waaaay too long teaching me how to say PINEAPPLE PIZZA in french. I wish I didn't know those words/that combination of words in English. Why the fuck would anyone order a goddamn pineapple pizza in FRANCE. If you do plan on ordering this heinous monstrosity then you don't deserve France. Or possibly even life, for that matter. No one goes to the food mecca of the world to order an abomination pizza. And, if they do, then they will leave France in a body bag and rightfully so.

I can't really say that it got worse from there but it didn't get better either. This "native speaker" continues to teach me how to say 'spaghetti' and 'hamburger' in French. Do you know how to say spaghetti and hamburger in French? You guessed it, it's 'spaghetti' and 'hamburger' with a French accent. You are a genius and are now at level 1,000 in French.

Food is pretty simple. Why can't this guy teach me to say, "I would like another napkin"? Or, other words like 'the check', 'spoon', 'ice', 'water' or 'pepper'...you know, words that are TOTALLY DIFFERENT IN FRENCH. In case you were wondering, I did look these words up in French and they are as follows, check/la adition, spoon/cuillere, ice/de la glace, water/eau and pepper/poivre. See, I care about you way more than that youtube asshole and I want you to succeed in France. Also, 'pineapple pizza' is properly pronounced,'va te faire foutre'.

I almost wrote, "Sorry for all the cursing.". But then I was like, nah fuck that. This shit is important. Seriously though, my brother ordered a glass of milk at a bar in Paris and was almost physically assaulted by the waitress. Although, to be fair, if you are going to get that angry about milk then maybe don't put in on the menu. Which, in a nutshell, is why I love France. It's a country full of assholes just like me...not like that youtube guy, he's just inconsiderate.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Celebrity Mad-Libs!

Have you ever wondered why the 'news' talks about people like Jennifer Aniston or George Clooney? You think to yourself, "What was the last good movie these people were in? Why are they still relevant?" The answer is, they are not. They are not still relevant. Here is what these people have been doing for the past 10 years. They have been starring in multi-million dollar ad campaigns over-seas. Why spend 10 months of your life struggling to film a picture that perhaps no one will like, when you can fly on a private jet to Myanmar, and get paid $1 million to hold a fancy pen for 30 minutes. It's not rocket science. Just simple math. Don't act like you wouldn't do it either. If someone said to me, "Hey, you wanna hold this pen for a million dollars? Can you make it look sexy?" If someone said that to me, I would hold the fuck out of that pen....I would make sweet...well, I don't think you want to know how far I am willing to go so, I will just leave it at that....for now.

I have been traveling on planes a lot recently and I have noticed a Hugh Jackman ad for pens and watches in every in-flight magazine from Scandinavia to Greece. So, I have devised a game that will really make the time fly and I am curious to hear your responses. Underneath every ad I have included a quote or what I think Hugh is saying and/or thinking at that exact moment. Try it yourself! It's like mad-libs but with pictures of celebrities selling stupid shit that no one needs.

Help me. I have been locked in this mid-century, modern office for weeks now. I can't remember the smell of my wife's hair after a shower, or the laughter of my children on a Saturday morning. What day is it? Has society fallen? P.S. Don't tell me how The Walking Dead ends...I want to be surprised.

I'm telling you, time is just a construct of human perception on the passing of immaterial societal events. It's an illusion just like this David Blaine show that we are about to watch.

Do you know what death smells like? I do. It smells like fear, rejection and regret. As a soldier of fortune, I have killed far too many nameless men with the stroke of this pen...through their jugulars.

If you are reading this then it's already too late. Either I am stuck inside that snowed-in hotel from the Shining or I have gone totally banana balls and lost my freaking mind. Can you see the 1920's prohibition era dancers behind me or is it all a figment of my twisted mind? Redrum...redrum...

Ok, now it's your turn. Post some quotes or upload your own celebrity ad with an original quote. This needs to be included in college level writing prompts. The possibilities are endless just like time and the fountain of ebony ink flowing from my over-priced, gold in-laid pen.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

I'm too Old for this Shit


Sorry, I have been pretty absent as of late. I'm taking some night and online classes. So, when I'm not studying or working I am sleeping, sleeping or taking drugs to help me sleep.

Can you guys please invent one of those beds that teaches you shit in your dreams? Either that or we need to attach (in very tiny letters) the word 'cocaine' to the marijuana legalization bill so that I can do cocaine and stay awake for 72 hours straight.

Side note: I'm not actually using a GI Bill to go back to school. (This is why you should never take memes seriously kids. They are full of lies. If your political ideology is based off of a meme, we are all fucked...oh wait...I just made myself sad.) I just thought this meme properly portrayed my 32 year old ass in a high school desk learning about environmental biology.

Anyways, I'm going back to sleep now or studying or working...does it really matter? Ya'll let me know how that SmartBed/cocaine thing goes. I want to see progress people!


Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Thanks Obama


A while ago, I read a book entitled Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me) and it reminded me of an interesting and sadly, true story of fear, questionable politics and white-trashery.

Several years ago I visited the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. and per usual, for D.C., the traffic was terrible, couldn't find parking and arrived at the zoo way later than originally intended. Later in the day, around dusk, the zoo was starting to close, many of the animals were being led into enclosures or were seeking night time refuge of their own volition.

During this time, I was at one of the outside monkey exhibits when I noticed a middle aged man dressed in fatigues, t-shirt, trucker hat and a huge set of binoculars. This man was joined by his 12 year old son, wearing similar attire to that of his father. For the above mentioned reasons, no monkeys were to be found thru the brush of their enclosure. The young boy was thoroughly disappointed until his father enlightened him to the fact that this monkey absence was simply due to Obama. According to this gentleman, Obama took away many of the zoo animals for federal funding deficits and sold them to China, probably on the black market, for profit. The son ponders this and then suddenly, "Look dad! I can see one!" At this joyous monkey sighting, the father quickly interjects, "Nah, that's just an animatron. Obama doesn't want you to see real animals. He keeps them all in his personal zoo paid for by the hard working tax payers. Steals our money and our monkeys, son."

Just like dusk at the national zoo, we are now facing the twilight hours of Obama's presidency. How will we remember him? How will we CHOOSE to remember him? Only history will tell but we must be open to accept that. It's difficult to admit that you were wrong or held false beliefs. You might think that people will never trust or respect you again for admitting your faults but the reality is, we don't trust or respect you because you believe that Obama is secretly hording monkeys somewhere in the White House for personal gain. I truly respect the person who can stand up and say, "Oops!". But maybe I am the one who is in the wrong? Maybe Obama was always, secretly behind the "animatrons" at Chuck E. Cheeses...he didn't want the kids to have REAL banjo playing bears at their hard earned pizza parties.