Planet of the Apes

A recent study found that when monkeys groom each other it releases endorphins and all sorts of happy feelings in the monkeys. I believe that this is also true for humans as well.

As a female, there are certain things that I understand about my sex and yet other things that allude me. Men and women purchase things based on very differing criteria. Women base most of their purchasing decisions on what looks good and makes them feel good. Men purchase based on what they absolutely need and most other things are superfluous. Now, keep in mind; men will purchase speed boats and electric guitars that they don't actually need but when they do make those purchases they base their decision on brands and models not by aesthetics but by function over form. When women make these purchasing decisions they do so based on appearances or form over function.

With that being said let's get back to those adorable poop slinging monkeys! I have never understood why women go to salons to pay $100 for their hair to be colored when they can do it at home for $4 and probably do a better job than the actual stylist. Why get a manicure when you can paint your nails at home for the price of the nail polish? Why pay for a massage when your husband/significant other will do it for the price of a blow job? caveat - I'm pretty sure that is also prostitution but I won't tell if you don't.

The bottom line is this: When a woman goes to a salon, she isn't going there to get her hair colored or her nails done. She's going there and paying money because it makes her feel good. It's not necessarily about the end result but more so about the experience and those relaxing endorphins that come with it.

I still can't say that I agree with spending that much money at a salon but at least I can now say that I understand it.

And in an effort to save money and time, I will be purchasing a chimp to do all my grooming; not for free but for a few bananas.

Things That Go Poop In The Night

When we were children, we thought as children and played as children but as adults we must put away childish things. In reality, I wish we could all just stay as children forever. Don't get me wrong, children have lots of problems but they change as we get older. As a child I had nightmares almost every night of being torn to bits by Freddy Krueger; now my nightmares consist of me giving birth to twins and being audited.  Can I go back to the Freddy Krueger dreams? They were a lot less terrifying.

The Perfect Pet

Dogs are great but they require a lot of attention. Cats are terrible for numerous reasons but at least they don't require a lot of affection so they are the perfect 'vacation pet'. Lizards, birds and fish are pretty much only good to look at. Basically, I don't understand anyone who buys a reptile or fowl. It's like hey, why don't you just buy a pretty picture? It also looks cool but won't poop, bite or die.

 Let me tell you about the pet that has all the good qualities of all of these animals combined. The sloth! It is cool to look at. It doesn't require any real attention. But, when you are in a cuddly mood, the sloth will gently hug you while blessing you with its simple smile. It can live in an apartment or a large house. You can just leave it hanging on your shower rod! It is great with kids and adults. You can feed it nuts, dried fruit or fresh fruits and berries. Sloths don't really shed that much at all and they don't make any noise. Now, set your face to stun for the best part...the sloth...only...poops...every...two weeks at the exact same time; in the exact same place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Perfect 'vacation pet'-check.

 My new business model will be selling designer sloths to celebrities. They can hang off their arms on the red carpet...fabulous/adorable.

The Insignificant Other

In the age of frenemies, fuck buddies and mutual understandings there arises a new relational juxtaposition. The Insignificant Other. For years, humans have been invited to social gatherings and were encouraged to bring their, "significant others". These significant others were people in their lives that meant something to each other. They were willing to give their "relationship" a title. They were committed to one another, boyfriend or girlfriend, fiance, husband, wife or even a best friend. For some reason society is now afraid of commitment and titles. Perhaps those things just carry too much weight. We've all been burned before. The current percent of failed marriages in America is 50%. Perhaps, we are afraid of failure? Well, America, it's time to put on your big girl panties. Life is hard and failure is inevitable. At some point in time, in any of our lives; we will fail at something. But, more often than not, life and relationships are worth the risk and if someone in your life isn't even willing to take a chance on you then they aren't worth your time. If they refuse to go to social gatherings with you or, on an even more insignificant realm, be in a relationship with you in a digital format such as facebook; this person might be your insignificant other. Don't be insignificant. Be significant.

Target Is The Opiate Of The Masses...Or At Least It's The Supplier

Walter White, er, I mean TARGET has apparently turned into Scar face. Basically, it's cyclical. You want to shop at Target because their stuff is adorable but it's kinda pricey. You need a coupon. The only way to obtain coupons is through prescription drug refills, at the Target pharmacy. In order to get more coupons, you need to be sicker to get more refills or you need to get hooked on something. The more drugs you get, the more coupons you get for t-shirts with cute owls on them, that will probably fall apart in the washer a week later...success.

Amateur Photography, You're Doing It Wrong

This is directed at no one in particular but, with that being said; you know who you are. As a musician and human being I've worked with a lot of photographers. Some were good and some were terrible. The difference is this. Owning a good camera does not make you an artist. A true artist does not show up to a gig and say, "Ok guys, what do you want me to do here?" And then on top of that have NO ideas of there own, to speak of. I'm not talking about just getting input or feedback I'm talking about not having a clue. I just highly doubt that photographers for Victoria's Secret or Playboy show up and then proceed to ask the dumb-ass models, "Ok models, what do you want me to do? Any ideas? I hope you guys brought stuff for the set." The same could be said for a National Geographic photographer. "Ok, whales, start doing some whale stuff because I am fresh out of ideas." And then proceed to ask the whales if, "That's what they were going for." Side note. Whales are ALWAYS concerned about their fins looking too big; such divas, but I digress. Look I'm not asking for Annie Leibovitz here. I'm just tired of playing photographer and model on these shoots. If that's how it's gonna be how about you hand me the camera, go get some lunch, and you will save a lot of time and I will save a lot of money.

Time Lords

Dr. Who is a time lord. Someone who has the ability to travel through time and even bend it to his or her own will. It can be difficult to spot a time lord because they could show up in any place at any time. There was a time before photographs, the written word and even language itself; but as long as there has been man there has been art. Visual art and song both pre-date the written word and the spoken. So, in order to accurately spot a time lord one must look to art. This is the language of the ages. I recently traveled to my local art museum where I encountered many a time lord. I encountered an ancient Jamie Fox Buda sculpture from India (photo to come). I also stumbled upon Edward Norton in an oil painting as a 17th century British milk maid (photo to follow). But what I am about to show you will make you question everything you know about the space time continuum. Exhibit A:

15th century oil on canvas of a music festival; innocent enough but upon further inspection we find... Exhibit B:

Look me in the eye ball and tell me that is not an ancient Mac Book Pro=TIME LORD.

Fifty Shades of Blonde

I am all for sex equality and that goes both ways...sometimes 3...sometimes back and forth. Man, sex and gender are confusing these days. In any case, I have been noticing some gender inequality as of late and no I am not talking about contraceptives being back in the media as if it's the 1950's all over again. That is definitely sexism against women but today I am talking about our male cohorts. For some reason, it is perfectly ok for a woman to pick up "Fifty Shades of Grey" in any Target and read it at said Target or the grocery store, a library, a church, a doctor's office, on a plane, on a train or in a coffee shop. Whew, I almost Dr. Seuss-ed myself there; that was a close one. This book is literary smut. Let me qualify that statement by saying I definitely don't judge anyone for reading it; that's not the point I'm trying to make here but what I am trying to say is this: Why can't a man read a playboy in public? Why can't he buy them at Target or check out the latest issue at his local library? Why is he made to feel like some sex offender for buying one? I understand that it is a lot easier for a kid to see the pictures in a playboy than to read a novel at a newsstand but either way kids are gonna see/read about sex and honestly a Play Boy is a lot classier than 99% of pictures and videos out there on the inter-webs. And yes, your kids are on the internet looking at naked people. Deal with it. I actually think it's pretty funny and quite possibly great that women have romance novels and movies like "Magic Mike". Women can finally be proud of their sexuality and celebrate their desires in a healthy way. I think we should offer those same rights to men and not make them feel like predators...lest they become as such. I for one will keep my copy of "Fifty Shades of Grey" right where it belongs, next to my husbands Playboy collection.

Art Camp and Horses

This is an actual sign that I encountered in Chesapeake,Virginia. Problems with this poster are vast but I will cover the three

major problems. Problem 1: If this is an advertisement for an "art" class; then why is the art on said poster so shitty? Problem 2: Have you ever seen a yellow horse? Clearly, these people don't know anything about horses. 3: WTF! Will I be learning about art while on a horse? Or is this a class on equestrian art only? Or are the horses drawing us? So many questions, so little time; perhaps I will call this number...

How To Survive an Alien Apocalypse...

...Be a chubster. There are no chubby/fat people in any science fiction movies...ever. Therefore, the only people who die/give live birth to extraterrestrial offspring via unwanted interior cesarean are "Kate Moss" level skinny people. Examples. Sigourney Weaver (Ripley-Alien), Natalie Portman (Star Wars), any given Star Trek character, Robots in Blade Runner, Total Recall, The Fifth Element, Event Horizon, Predator, Independence Day, Battleship, Starship Troopers, the list goes on and on and basically the skinny people die but some of them live as well. Either way, you never see any fat people in sci-fi; therefore, nothing extraordinary happens to them, good or bad. As much as I would love to be "Kate Moss" skinny I enjoy being alive without an alien popping out of my chest much more. So I say, "F*ck you aliens as I eat this entire bag of cheetos!" Also, our star-born brethren usually have some terrestrial weaknesses such as disease (War of the Worlds), water (Signs), sunlight (Battleship)but perhaps their true weakness is cellulite. If aliens ever strike, the fatties will reign supreme and have to repopulate the earth...just more cushion for the pushin'.

Urban Spoon

Their is a website called urban spoon

that gives ratings on local restaurants. These ratings are posted by individuals that have actually eaten at these establishments and these patrons give critiques based upon cleanliness, taste and price. Usually, this works out pretty well but it never really works that well for ethnic food and let me tell you why. Ethnic peoples are not usually the ones rating them. For example: my favorite Indian restaurant got a poor rating for being too spicy and expensive. Uh, hello? It's Indian food, it's supposed to be spicy and yeah, bone in goat can be a little pricey. Have you ever seen goat in the supermarket? I don't think so. Therefore, I suggest a new rating system which will include a white person rating and a corresponding minority rating. For example: White people give Rajput a 40% and $$$; Indian diners gave Rajput a 95% and $$. This tells me two things: 1, I will probably love Rajput and 2, I should probably never bring my white parents there.

Adoption

What are the rules and regulations on adoption? Is there an age limit? Because I am currently very interested in adopting a 32-year-old, bald man. He would help me pay rent and he would be a dependent on taxes so we would get a pretty sweet break. He needs a good home and a loving family which is a situation I could provide. It's a win win, really.

R.I.P Thomas Kincaide

Take a landscape and put a frame on it.
Find a middle-aged woman and make her pay for it.
I'm sure the portrait will look great in her hallway,
away from trays of ash where all will say,
"Look at her wonderful portrait and how it sits;
it fits so well with all the other shit."

-A poem on shitty art

The Economicon

Dear Financial Crisis,
So, I can't get approved for a low-interest $2,000 personal loan but I can get approved for a high-interest credit card with a $13,000 limit? Oh, wait; I see what you did there. Thanks.

-Sincerely, Disgruntled (soon to be bankrupt) Consumer

Greeting Card MANIA!

Once upon a time, a simple time; one could walk into a Walgreen's and purchase a birthday, holiday, or special occasion greeting card. This card could be humorous, sensitive or just stated the facts and I think everyone loved the "blank inside" cards the most. And, the most expensive card one could find would cost about $3 and was probably the tri-fold card with glitter all over it. But, alas, those days are over.

Gone are the days of simple statements such as, "I love you.", or, "Happy 30th grandma." Nope, now we need to tell people happy birthday with a Beatles song screeching out of a card that also extends to the length of a full size guitar and can be played as one. This card costs $12. Or, we might choose a card that is a "pop-out" and turns into a birthday cake. This card weighs 1/4 of a pound and requires extra postage. There are also cards that are scratch and sniff, or have googly eyes attached to it, or turn into an origami butterfly that can also be used as a kite, or cards that are shaped to be a money holders, or a card that can tell me my future by witchcraft.

I love receiving cards in the mail because it is always a happy surprise; but good LORD don't spend $12 on my card...just give me $12...because I am a selfish, selfish person.

My Fridge Requires a Password?

Passwords, usernames, logins. Can I just say WHAT THE F*CK! I understand that I would need a password and username for things like my bank account because they need to stay secure; however I kind of wish someone wooould steal my identity because all they would be able to steal from me would be my student loan debt and then I could finally change my name to Consuela and move to Argentina. But even with my bank, after I have given them the incorrect password because I can't keep my 1,576 passwords straight, they still have the balls to ask me my security questions, which I ace, but they still won't let me view my account? Why ask the stupid security questions? Why even have security questions if they aren't actually used for anything?

What's even dumber is the fact that I need a username and password for my church's website and for Habitat for Humanity? This is actually keeping people from helping others because, good Samaritans like myself, can't remember their passwords and therefore can't sign up for work projects. It literally makes no sense. I need a password and username for the SPCA, for my doctor's office, for my cell phone carrier, for Pinterest, for Dog Fancy Magazine online, for Target.com, for Mustacheenthusiats.edu???????????????????? Are you kidding me with this?

My fear is that someday I will need a login just to get into my car or worse still my refrigerator.

Genocide WILL get you out of school

The Christian religion has about as many permutations as Yankee Candle has scents. Oh, and by the way, Yankee Candle, "Moon Light" is not a scent. One, because I cannot smell reflected light and two, I'm sure that the moon does not, in fact, emit a scent. But, then again I am no scientist. I'm sure Yankee Candle employs lots of scientists...and doctors.

But, like I was saying, Christianity has a plethora of theologies. Many Christians believe that God has pre-planned the entire universe and that every thing happens according to His omnipotent will. I don't buy this and I'll tell you why, in the form of a parable, since we are getting all Biblical here anyways.

I had a student come into my office the other day and upon entering she proclaimed, "I'm sooo excited!". Me, "Really? What brings on this excitement?". Student, "Tomorrow I'm going on a field trip!". Me, "Really? Where too?". Student, "To the Holocaust museum!". Me, (look of terror and confusion). Once my mind rebooted, I asked why on earth she would be excited about such a thing? "Well", she said, "I don't really care what we do as long as it gets me out of school for the day."

I always wondered why, if God had pre-planned everything, He would put people like Hitler, Stalin and Mussolini in power? But it is crystal clear now. He really just wanted 12-year-old American kids to get out of school to learn about the Holocaust.

It is literally retarded that I have to put disclaimers on here but here we go.
This blog is satire! It reeeeeeks of sarcasm you idiots!!

When I grow up...

...I want to be a professional comedian. Not because I think that I'm that funny, even though I am clearly hilarious, but because I am a horrible person. I like to say things that are horribly offensive; preferably to your face. But, society frowns on this. Don't get me wrong. Comedians can say just about anything and they still get plenty of hate mail about it and sometimes they are censored on TV or, heck, even banned from certain shows or clubs. But, they still get away with it and they still get paid. I have a lot of horrible thoughts and I need to start getting paid for them!

Ex. of horrible joke: "I hope they cremate Whitney Houston's body because that would reduce her body to it's most pure form. 90% cocaine and 10% crazy. Now that's something people would pay good money to snort."

Too soon? or Not soon enough?

Now, I just need to sit back and let the royalty checks and hate mail roooooll in!

Pure Bred Dogs

In the year 3021 mankind makes it's first contact with alien life. Much like a Steven Spielberg film we are unable to communicate with this extraterrestrial species and,unlike the film, not even with the aid of music can we converse with these heavenly beings.

Mankind is no stranger to vanity. We lance our faces with metal and plastic, fill our breasts with silicon and we break the bones of our skulls in order to reshape it into something considered 'beautiful' by the masses. So, therefore, who are we to judge the bizarre cosmetic fetishes of these outlanders?

These collectors of homo sapiens soon decided who they desired and who would become genetic outcasts. They did not desire, what we would consider to be 'purebred' but rather those with certain ailments; disfigurements you might say.

For instance, they bred mountain peoples for their running capability, but failed to realize that such high levels of testosterone would become problematic to the female portion of that society. Soon, the females became incapable of reproduction and the women had to be artificially inseminated and pumped full of hormones, in order to keep up with the demand for mountain humans. The people of the hills don't usually suffer from such ailments but our space brothers have bred them to become the inferior humans that they are today.

Our space invaders also had a certain fascination with tiny humans, for their children to play with. Normally, these humans would be considered Dwarfs, a medical condition that can make life very difficult. But, the aliens insisted that people be bred with dwarfism, in their genetic coding. Unfortunately, most of these dwarfs don't make it past the age of 30, because of their intergalactic breeding.

Most of the 'outcast' human society abhors this alien behavior but for others it is a sign of 'good breeding' and a sign of excellent social standing within the alien community.

I cannot judge these travelers for their deeds because I have been told that the human race has treated those, that we felt were 'beneath' us, no better than we are being treated today.

I saw a small dog on the road the other day. It was grey, had a beard and almost no tail to speak of. A passer by told me that such a breed has never truly existed in nature but was a creation of mankind and it is a miracle that that breed is still alive today. I wonder if that mustacheod hound wonders what I was thinking when I cut off its tail?

-This has been a work of fiction-