Alice Through the Glass Ceiling

There once was a young girl who fell into an alien world. At times, this little girl felt quite small, scared, lost, confused and embarrassed. She was thrown into a world that she didn't belong to. Although she struggled, she also grew quite tall, brave and powerful; strong enough to take on the aristocracy and injustice. However, this exotic world was just a dream or was it a nightmare? Alice awoke to find herself as a normal girl again in a normal world. Everything was as it should be.

The famous psychedelic 60's rock group Jefferson Airplane wrote a very unique song to accompany this children's book and it had quite a different interpretation of the narrative. Pardon me as I paraphrase: One pill makes you smaller, one pill makes you larger

It's astounding to think about the power behind just one little pill.

Being a woman is somewhat timeless. Our experiences may differ in setting or political, religious and philosophical background noise but we have all, throughout history, experienced fear, confusion, and embarrassment due to our gender. Women have to find the perfect balance. We can't be too smart or too dumb. One should never be too tall, unless you are a model, of course. Your hair can't be too long or too short and it should only exist on your head and nowhere else. You shouldn't be running around questioning things! My God, you are running out of time! Time! Your very body is a clock, nature's precious clock. Be sure to go to school before time runs out. But, you won't have enough time to put that degree to work because your children will need you first.

In the modern era, women have become masters of time. We go to school, we work, we raise the next generation, we write music, poems, books, annoying blog posts and hit TV sitcoms. It's exhausting just thinking about all the things that we women do in a day. For many of us, one little pill has given us this mastery of time. Science has offered us a choice. That choice is what makes America great. If you want to take away our choices then at least remember little Alice. I used to be like her (and some days I revert back). I was once confused, lost and constantly embarrassed. I was embarrassed to talk about a little pill that gave me so much control and safety. I was scared that others wouldn't understand. I didn't understand why others were so interested in the state of my body.

I still feel like Alice but now I'm the 10 foot tall Alice battling the queen. However, I didn't ask for any of this. Just like Alice, I was thrown into a world that I wish I could wake up from. I wish that everything could just be normal again.

One pill makes you smaller
One pill makes you larger
One pill gives you power
One pill grants you freedoms
One pill gives you time

Remember When Your Life Was in Shambles? Facebook Remembers

Facebook mathematicians have stumbled upon the exact algorithms to find the worst possible photos of you during the most shameful part of your life, and no one is safe. You could be Chris Pratt and FB will only "share memories" from that time you were on the show "Parks and Recreation" and were a little tubby and pasty. It won't mention the fact that people still thought you were adorable, funny and oh yeah...a millionaire, nope the only noteworthy aspect of your life at that time, according to FB, was the fact that you were husky, and people NEED to remember how chunky you were. Will FB remember that you were in the award-winning film "Zero Dark Thirty"? No. Can FB recall the time that you starred in the graphically stunning "Lego Movie?" Nah.

This is sounding like I am creeping on Chris Pratt, which I am....the #creepening, but this example just shows that we are are all pawns in Facebook's elaborate shame game, the #shamening.

Here is my shame...and yes, I did the girl thing and didn't REALLY find the most terrible photo of myself, but a somewhat horrendous one, none the less. I didn't want to render my beloved readers blind after witnessing the ACTUAL worst photo of me, but don't worry Facebook will find it.

Also, shout out to home slice Chris Pratt for being my shame partner in this blog. #shamening

Captain Hindsight

Please learn from my mistakes. Lying comes very easy to me unless I am put on the spot. I need time to prepare, to get into character, to discover my motivation and research my backstory. Perhaps, this stems from my early childhood when I took acting classes or because I just watch way too much TV however; this is all immaterial. When put on the spot I can't lie worth a damn. Here is a sampling of me on the spot given no preparation:

Police Officer: "What is your name"
Me: "PURPLE!"
PO: "Last name?"
Me:"THAT'S RACIST!"
PO:"Ma'am can you please step out of the vehicle"
Me:"I SUFFER FROM A RARE CONDITION THAT CAUSES ME TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND ALSO MY LEGS DON'T WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!"
PO:(Starts reading me my Miranda rights)
(end scene)

I tell you this so that you can be better prepared in awkward or law infringing situations.

A few days ago I was out on a run when a young man approached me and said something to me but I couldn't hear so, I took out my earbuds and he repeated himself, "Hi, I need to practice my massage skills would you like a foot rub, so that I can practice?" Me, "(Open mouth, head thrown back, ugly laughter) No thanks, I'm in the middle of my workout but nice try dude." Random guy, yet again proceeds to follow me and asks, "How about after your run?" Me, "(more laughter) No man, I'm way to busy, adios."

In hindsight, this is how I should have reacted. Random stranger, "Hi, I need to practice my massage skills would you like a foot rub, so that I can practice?" Me, "HELL YES I WOULD!!!!" Then I promptly kick off my tennis shoes to reveal my blistered stinky feet and plop my butt down in the middle of the road right where I was standing, next to the chain link fence and dumpster. Being faced with the reality of my feet and creeped out passerbyers  my (cough) assailant quickly leaves the premises."Terrible try dude, terrible try."
(end scene)

I call this play, "The Creepening" study it, learn it, call all bluffs...and then maybe contact the authorities but hopefully the authorities won't send that same cop who you told, "I SUFFER FROM A RARE CONDITION THAT CAUSES ME TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND ALSO MY LEGS DON'T WORK!!!!!!!"

Non-Sports

"I'm not racist but..." We have all heard someone start a sentence off with this justification and the statement often means that this person is, indeed, racist. This mentality can also be applied to cheerleaders. Not that cheerleaders are racist. No, I would never infer that. Although, I'm sure some cheerleaders are racist? Probably? I mean, we've all seen the film Bring It On and almost ALL of those cheerleaders were racist. Ok, I think it's a fair statement to say that SOME cheerleaders are racist just like saying SOME beet farmers are Jedi Knights....I mean, it's statistically plausible.

Alright, this has clearly escalated so let's forget about racism for just one second and then after that second has passed I will let you get back to your regularly scheduled racism.

 If you have to remind people that you aren't racist it's because people assume that you might be racist. Here is that same justification applied to a different situation. If you have to remind people that your sport is a sport then that activity is not a sport. I recently watched a sports section of the news which covered everything from wrestling to football and ONLY cheer leading felt the need to scroll the phrase "CHEER LEADING IS A SPORT" across the screen. Apparently, the viewers did not need to be reminded that hockey is a sport or baseball, swimming, tennis, soccer....you know, sports.

There are so many reasons why cheer leading is not a sport but here are just a few. These simple guidelines will also help you define other ambiguous activities as SPORTS or NON-SPORTS.

Ask yourself these questions when determining whether or not an activity is a 'sport' or not.

Does the 'sport' in question have playing cards of famous players?
Does the 'sport' have famous players?
Are there any 'fantasy leagues' associated with this pass time?
Is there a team mascot?
Does the 'sport' have fans?
Are these 'fans' your mom and other cheer leaders?
Are hot dogs and hamburgers sold during these 'sporting' events?
Could you purchase season tickets or box seats to this 'sport'?
Does illegal betting take place before or during this 'sport'?
Does this 'sport' have intramural leagues after college?
Must you rise for the singing of the National Anthem before official play begins?

I have surmised that according to these guidelines cheer leading does not fall under the category of 'sport' but under 'non-sport' or 'athletics'. Don't be sad cheer leading. You stand amongst other great 'non-sports' such as hiking, synchronized swimming, speed walking and ice-fishing. At least you're not racist...that we know of.

P.S. Do NOT Google 'Racist Cheerleaders' unless you want to find ACTUAL racist cheerleaders. You have been warned.

The Bowling Controversy

I'm not good at Pinterest. Pinterest is for women which is fine because I am a woman but apparently I am not very womanLY.

Pinterest has a search bar so that you can type in certain activities or items and then add them to your personalized boards. Most women search for things like vegan cupcakes, natural soap recipes, gardening, how to discipline children with love, kittens, a Bible verse a day and makeup.

I search for things like the word FUCK, science, items that say "bitch", guitars and skulls. Recently, I searched the word, "bowling", a somewhat male dominated sport? I am using the word "sport" pretty loosely here, by the way. Also, I've never met another woman who owned her own bowling ball so I guess bowling is a dudes thing? I really don't know. I was under the impression that bowling was an equal opportunity leisure activity. I thought most Americans (male or female) were aware of bowling and what bowling is. Any small town or big city in the United States has to have at least one bowling alley (probably in the constitution). However, no one has told Pinterest what exactly bowling is or how it works.

According to Pinterest bowling is some sort of pastry based appetizer with a marinara dipping sauce served at Super"bowl" parties. Just to make sure, that Pinterest simply wasn't ant-bowling, I also did a Google search to see what came up when I searched the word "bowling". Here are my findings.

According to Google bowling is bowling. It's also interesting to note that if you search the word "porn" into Pinterest, you get this.

Again, Pinterest's definition of the word "porn" is "jalapeno popper chicken flautas". To be fair, the flautas are kind of penis shaped? I'm not sexually attracted to flautas but I could be "flauta-curious". I would never judge. Whatever floats your flauta. 

What I am trying to say here is that Pinterest is blatantly sexist. Pinterest can't even pretend to know what "porn" or "sports" are or why they exist. Anything resembling masculinity is outside the realm of searchable possibilities for Pinterest. Of course, non of this matters, unless you are a man or me but then again men don't have Pinterest boards and I am starting to question why I have one. Oh wait, SHOES! (bowling shoes)

Nails: A Gateway Drug

Any time I see someone with super long nails, I be like...

That's way too much cocaine...that's more than a "sample" size amount.

Make-up Tips!

Can someone please explain to me why every make-up company still produces blue eye shadow? Blue eye shadow has always been tacky. It was never popular. This powder is only useful on prostitutes and Halloween costumes (most of which are prostitute costumes). I wanted to make one of those 'flow chart memes' but that sounded like work, so instead, I have compiled a list of individuals who can pull of this bold look, in any season! People who are allowed to wear blue eye shadow are as follows:
Tammy Faye Baker (or just anyone named 'Tammy' for that matter)
Tim Curry in Rocky Horror Picture Show
Betty Boop
The clown from Stephen King's 'It'
Everyones' grandmother
Paula Deen
Barbie Dolls
Dolly Parton (She can do NO wrong!)
People who are forced to work at Walgreens
The entire cast of Steel Magnolias

If you don't find your name on this very short list then you should not be wearing blue eye shadow. Hope this helps! Be on the look out for more beauty tips! Next in  this fun series: Contouring, Not Just for the Face!

Can I Be Your Familiar?

Forgive and Forget. This is something that I struggle with because, even though I can't seem to remember any of the SAT words or where I placed my keys, I can still remember everyone who owes me money and anyone who has ever wronged me.

I desperately need one of two things in my life right now, either, a vampire who can erase my memory and make me believe that I am a starting forward for the Pacers (I don't actually know what any of those words mean, I just put a bunch of sports words together so, feel free to correct me) OR that device from Men in Black that could permanently erase your memory. Either way, both methods would only be required to erase catty bullshit that women say to other women or write in text message or post on Facebook...because that's how petty I am. Hopefully, I would get a hot vampire to erase my mind or a young Will Smith to cancel those brain waves but I'm not picky.

Forgiving the repentant is easy but forgiving someone who is an asshole is another thing altogether. For this incredible feat, I would definitely require mythical or fantastical intervention. I can't do this on my own. I NEED  YOU WILL SMITH!!! I never thought I would need Will Smith so badly. Wait! What if, now stay with me here, what if, Will Smith (From MIB) were also a vampire?!!!! OMG I would be able to forget SO MUCH!!!

Ok, I will have my people get with Big Willy's people and see if he is interested in turning to the night as a permanent lifestyle choice. Then, I will become his PR person and together we will build a self-help empire based around memory loss! Or, women could just stop being bitches so that other women don't have to get their brains wiped clean from vampire, MIB, Will Smith. Do you see how confusing that could get? Seriously, just be nice to people, don't gossip and I promise you that vampire, MIB, Will Smith won't eat your brains. Jeez.

Life Is Too Short Not to Wear Crop Tops

In the late '90's crop tops were back in style. I think they were back from the 60's? Who knows? The crop top comes and goes as it pleases like a slutty Cheshire cat in the night.  Short sweater style tank tops, athletic wear crops and ripped up concert tees were the school uniform, at that time. I owned a few sweater and t-shirt style ones and I felt very grown up/badass while wearing my slightly shorter than normal blouse at the ripe old age of 15. Being 15 years old puts you on a very weird life cusp. You are not quite an adult, but you are most definitely not a child, either. Several adults in my life thought that the crop top was too revealing for teenage girls and had no place in Seventeen magazine whose main demographic was actually 13 year old girls. My crop top days were numbered.

Now, as an adult (I guess) this vertically challenged fashion statement is back! Finally, I am old enough to enjoy this sudden trend without fear of persecution! Wait! Now, I'm too old?!!!! Is 30 too old to bear a mid drift that has never born a child?  What was the right age? Did I miss it? How could that have happened? How can such a perennial fashion statement have such a small window of opportunity for the wearer? When CAN one wear a ripped tee? I believe the window is 2 years in college right before your last year and you get serious about your career and interviews and other grown up nonsense. Nothing says "professional business woman" quite like a torn, mid drift bearing, Radio Head shirt.

Life is too short not to wear crop tops. The window is too small, much like the blouse. (Do people say blouse? Pretty sure only my grandma says 'blouse') Show your weird belly button! Let me see those stretch marks! Wait, maybe not. Ok, who cares! Do WHAT YOU WANT! I don't know when belly buttons are age appropriate and I just don't care. I missed the window in college, didn't get enough time in high school and so, now I will let  my belly button be the star of the show! I wish I knew at 15 years old what I know now. But,then again, I have always known these truths. Be yourself, show some skin and curse whenever. The real difference is that no one can ground you and take away your phone privileges at 30. It's good to be 30, enjoy it.

Feminism in the Age of Ultron

Seriously, I think I have written no less than 5 different posts on the Avengers and I don't know why? It was a dumb movie and yet here we are, again. There has recently been a lot of chatter on social media and amongst, comic book fans and movie critics about the lack of female super heroes who go beyond the role of side-kick or femme fatale. The outcry is demanding a strong female lead. A stand-alone character who is smart, funny, self-deprecating and of course, kick-ass is what feminism needs in the Marvel movie franchise. We will just have to wait for Wonder Woman to hit the box office in order to discover this Amazonian utopia but, in the mean time, I am settling for a much smaller yet significant victory.

There is a scene in Avengers:Age of Ultron that has been overlooked by the masses for it's super hero suffrage. The scene takes place at a lively party in Tony Stark's lavish mansion. Thor and Tony are both at the bar, enjoying some adult beverages and discussing the notable absence of both of their significant others, namely Pepper Potts and Jane Foster. An argument soon erupts between the two dashing super heroes over who has the most powerful, intelligent, decorated and successful girlfriend. Words like "Nobel Peace Prize" and "CEO" are thrown around and neither one of our two protagonists ever mentions the physical aspects of either woman. There is absolutely no talk of "who has the prettier girlfriend", "the youngest girlfriend", "the nastiest girlfriend", "the wildest girlfriend", "the biggest boobs"....I could go on forever. I think you get the idea.

This scene says something quite drastic and incredible to young women of today. If you choose to become a bad-ass, take no prisoners CEO and dominate the business world then you can also have a bad-ass dude to go along with your already bad-ass lifestyle. Don't be a princess. Be a motherfucking SCIENTIST, discover another dimension and receive super hot, altruistic, demi-god/alien boyfriend. Because guys are into that sorta thing. Keep in mind you also have to look like Natalie Portman...I didn't say we won the fight just yet. I said this has been a small victory, ladies.

I like to think that my husband is also at a luxury mansion party (WHY DIDN'T HE INVITE ME?!!!) somewhere, defending my honor and bragging about how intelligent I am and how many awards I have earned. The reality is I haven't really done anything. One time I got a "Participant" ribbon in a 2nd grade bike rodeo. I still don't know what a "Bike Rodeo" is?

These Colors Don't Run!

If I told you that I was home-schooled, you would probably assume that I believe humans co-existed with the dinosaurs, I wear floor length jean skirts and DC Talk is my favorite band. In reality, I grew up listening to Megadeath and watching movies like Priscilla Queen of the Desert, The Bird Cage and To Wong Foo with my mom (all films were censored on cable TV, of course). Did I attend church? Yes, and it was my own choice; not that of my folks. In many ways my "sheltered" life style really only sheltered me from hate and bigotry. I never knew that people were still racist or that women couldn't conquer the world and gay was somehow a choice/sin. I thought those ideas only existed on TV or the movies for drama. People didn't really believe those things?! Or, maybe they did like 200 years ago? As I got older and left the house I started to realize that people did believe these things and they went out of their way to terrorize those minority groups.

My mom once told me, "I don't care if any of my children turn out to be gay. It wouldn't change my love for them. But, if given the choice, I would want them to be straight so that they wouldn't have to face hate and ridicule." For some reason, I always remembered that statement. Hopefully, we are entering into a new era in society in which our children won't have to face such hate and ridicule due to the color of their skin, their gender or their sexual identity. Why hate something that no one can control? Hate crime, hate violence but don't hate skin and love. Gender, sex and hormones are just skin and love...

Girl, That's a Weave (Doo or Dye)

During the baroque period, the wealthier peoples of western Europe wore wigs to disguise their unkempt hair. It seems silly in retrospect but only because the wigs were fashioned in the styles and tastes of the day. Ringlet curls were all the rage in Germany in the 1600's and even men wore long curly and very fake locks. Today there are three main groups of people who still wear wigs and even for these people the practice isn't really socially acceptable. Cancer patients wear wigs. Cancer patients need wigs but the new trend is to be proud no matter your circumstances and to not be ashamed of a disease that no one chooses for themselves. This is great. Older men wear wigs or toupees. People like Donald Trump can get away with the massive comb over but most other 'baldies' choose the toupee and again, most modern men simply go au natural. Bald is beautiful. Lastly, many African American women wear wigs or 'weaves'. These women choose to wear wigs for ease of styling. The natural fro is still my favorite hair style.

I for one am sick and tired of styling my freaking hair. If it was socially acceptable in our American culture for women to be bald I would be bald but for now I don't want people to think that I am a cancer patient 'poser'. That would be bad. I hate burning my hair with an IRON at temperatures reaching 500 degrees Fahrenheit, twisting my hair around an equally hot curling iron and then scorching my ears off and lastly spraying my newly styled quaff with a can of toxic fumes. Half my day is spent grooming my damn hair. Hours I could have spent more productively like watching E! News, making brownies that I will soon regret after I consume the entire tray of confections and trolling Facebook to mock those who didn't DO their hair!

Don't even get me started on how expensive it is to go to the salon. I haven't been to a salon, for my hair, in about a year. Although, I can understand why a women's haircut is $50 because doing anything to anyone's hair is freaking awful. I don't understand women who love to braid their friends hair, comb their hair, style their hair. You would have to pay me sooo much money to do that. Let's not even broach the subject of "men's haircuts" and why they are 1/4 the price of a simple women's hair cut....being a woman is expensive and often times in just.

I think that I will just start wearing wigs on my lazy days (aka everyday) and see if anyone notices. If they do, I will explain to them that I am just being retro...like, really retro, like 1600's Germany retro. Auf Wiedersehen bitches!

The Biblical Mystery of Coasters

The Bible teaches us that God created man from the earth and that man desired another partner or friend for his lonely existence on this planet. God gave man another human to couple with and that human was woman. Woman taught man many things like love, comfort and arguably deceit.

Unfortunately, she forgot to teach man how to use effing coasters.  Don't tell me they didn't have coasters in the Bible. Did you just place your goblet directly on the earth? Your grass would get watermarks from the chalice!!!! God opened man's eyes to his nakedness and exposed his heart to the home wares of Pier One. (Pretty sure that's what the Bible says, I'm no doctor) What kind of ungodly, furniture-ruining, Ikea-hating, monster would put their glasses AROUND the coaster but not on it? My eye is twitching and possibly hemorrhaging, as we speak, due to this home economics travesty.

I'm almost positive that God gave women menstrual cycles and pain during child birth NOT because she exposed man to sin but because she didn't teach him proper home management and coaster usage techniques. Society no longer exists in Biblical times and women have a lot more on their plates than house-hold management, babies, demon-snakes and questionable fruit choices. So, for the sake of my fragile sanity and all that is holy and good please, just use the damn coaster. Otherwise, you mock its very existence.

Trophy Husband (Cont'd)

As many of you may know, my husband is pretty amazing. He rarely beats me AND he lets me drink wine...most of the time. I wrote about his attributes recently in my post, "Trophy Husband". Well, I have finally finished making the trophy. It is a bronze (and by bronze I mean spray paint on dolls) cast Han Solo riding on a white (bronze) stallion. He has received this prodigious award for valor, bravery, saxophoning, mustaching and the plaque will read, "Number One Husband Award for Not Giving His Spouse an STD, Abusing Her Physically/Verbally or Having Sex with Other Men Since 2011." Damn, that's a really huge plaque.

Trophy Husband

Every time I go to the doctor I have to fill out a form before my appointment. This form asks me if I am male or female. I answer "female". Once you answer "female" the form takes you to a set of female specific questions. Doctors are obsessed with knowing when your last period started and when it ended. I don't know why they ask you this because, as far as I can tell, your answer to this question gives them no medical insights into your overall health, whatsoever. I like to answer this question thusly: "Start date" June 5th, 10:01 pm 1976. "End date" yesterday. So far, no one has noticed that I have been on my period for 40 years and I am 30 years old.

Next, they ask me about my spouse. "Have you acquired any STDs from your spouse?" "Do you feel safe at home?" "Has your spouse had sex with other men within the last 6 months?" "Does your spouse verbally abuse you?" Apparently, my husband is prince charming and Han Solo all wrapped into one super human because he has not had sex with other men in the last 6 months or given me any STDs. I should really appreciate him more.

I love the power that I wield when I fill out these medical forms. My husband and I will go shopping and if I want something dumb and he won't buy it for me all I have to say is, "If you don't buy me these boots I am going to answer NO to the question, 'Do you feel safe at home'." Because without these boots I just don't feel safe at home anymore.

My spouse lives a difficult life. Doctors don't care if his wife is abusing him. Heck, they don't even ask! He lives in constant terror of my medical exam threats and he has to buy me whatever I want even if it is a SECOND set of Hulk Hands. Which, I use to physically abuse him. He knows to just tell people that he, "fell down some stares" and not, "my wife beats me with the Hulk Hands that I bought for her last Christmas."

I am going to have a trophy made for him. This trophy will depict a gilded Han Solo riding a white stallion into battle and the inscription on the plaque will read: "Number One Husband Award for Not Giving His Spouse an STD, Abusing Her Physcially/Verbally or Having Sex with Other Men Since 2011." Damn, that's a really huge plaque.

He deserves it though. He has had to deal with a woman who has been on her period since 1976.

Joan Rivers the Original Funny Woman

I once said, "Two things will exist after the apocalypse, cockroaches and Joan Rivers." Well, some might argue with me but I am pretty sure we are not living in our dystopian future. But perhaps, Joan is still with us; God knows plastic isn't biodegradable! Too soon? Joan would say, "Not soon enough!".

That's what made her so great/hilarious. People who are truly funny will laugh with us even if the joke's on them. Thanks for letting us laugh with you and at you Joan.

I hope she is in Heaven, right now, mocking all the angels for wearing tunics. "Hey! 100 B.C. called and they want their man-dresses back!"

http://donnatank.blogspot.it/2014/07/little-shop-of-home-depot.html

Way to State the Obvious!

"I just feel like my life has so much PURPOSE now that I have kids." Umm, duh. Of course, your life has purpose now that you have kids. It also had purpose before you had kids...I hope. I find this statement just plain dumb because you are stating something that should be obvious but at the same time this statement makes it sound like childless people, somehow have less purpose on this earth. A list of people who never had children include but is not limited to:
Jesus Christ
Every Pope
Susan B. Anthony
Louis Armstrong
Sir. Francis Bacon
Jane Austen
Andy Warhol
Ludwig Van Beethoven
William Blake
James Buchanan
Lewis Black
Coco Chanel
Julia Child
Tim Curry
Leonardo Da Vinci
Salvador Dali

The above list goes on forever and subsequently a list of people who HAD/HAVE children include but are not limited to:
Tina Fey
Barack Obama
Abraham Lincoln
Queen Elizabeth
Paul McCartney
Cher
Mya Angelou
Thomas Kinkade
Adele
George W. Bush
George H. Bush
Conan O'brien
Stephen Colbert
Michael Jordan
Winston Churchill
This list could also go on for the end of time. The point is that all of these people had a purpose; some of them had kids and some of them didn't.

Things That Go Poop In The Night

When we were children, we thought as children and played as children but as adults we must put away childish things. In reality, I wish we could all just stay as children forever. Don't get me wrong, children have lots of problems but they change as we get older. As a child I had nightmares almost every night of being torn to bits by Freddy Krueger; now my nightmares consist of me giving birth to twins and being audited.  Can I go back to the Freddy Krueger dreams? They were a lot less terrifying.