Freedom Isn't Free

Qualifying statements such as, "as a military spouse" often annoy me because I don't consider being a military spouse to be a defining attribute to my over all character or being. With that being said, it is difficult to move every few years and cope with the constant 'hellos' and 'goodbyes'. Only a fellow military spouse can even begin to understand the joy and misery that comes with constant movement. I have learned not to linger. I have learned to move on and I have learned to remember all the wonderful humans that I have met along my many journeys. If you have ever felt alone or that you can't stop wandering, just remember that in Sorrento, Italy there is a place that serves alcohol, pizza and freedom. It's gonna be ok you guys...we still have freedom and pizza...fuck ya.

Trophy Husband (Cont'd)

As many of you may know, my husband is pretty amazing. He rarely beats me AND he lets me drink wine...most of the time. I wrote about his attributes recently in my post, "Trophy Husband". Well, I have finally finished making the trophy. It is a bronze (and by bronze I mean spray paint on dolls) cast Han Solo riding on a white (bronze) stallion. He has received this prodigious award for valor, bravery, saxophoning, mustaching and the plaque will read, "Number One Husband Award for Not Giving His Spouse an STD, Abusing Her Physically/Verbally or Having Sex with Other Men Since 2011." Damn, that's a really huge plaque.

Trophy Husband

Every time I go to the doctor I have to fill out a form before my appointment. This form asks me if I am male or female. I answer "female". Once you answer "female" the form takes you to a set of female specific questions. Doctors are obsessed with knowing when your last period started and when it ended. I don't know why they ask you this because, as far as I can tell, your answer to this question gives them no medical insights into your overall health, whatsoever. I like to answer this question thusly: "Start date" June 5th, 10:01 pm 1976. "End date" yesterday. So far, no one has noticed that I have been on my period for 40 years and I am 30 years old.

Next, they ask me about my spouse. "Have you acquired any STDs from your spouse?" "Do you feel safe at home?" "Has your spouse had sex with other men within the last 6 months?" "Does your spouse verbally abuse you?" Apparently, my husband is prince charming and Han Solo all wrapped into one super human because he has not had sex with other men in the last 6 months or given me any STDs. I should really appreciate him more.

I love the power that I wield when I fill out these medical forms. My husband and I will go shopping and if I want something dumb and he won't buy it for me all I have to say is, "If you don't buy me these boots I am going to answer NO to the question, 'Do you feel safe at home'." Because without these boots I just don't feel safe at home anymore.

My spouse lives a difficult life. Doctors don't care if his wife is abusing him. Heck, they don't even ask! He lives in constant terror of my medical exam threats and he has to buy me whatever I want even if it is a SECOND set of Hulk Hands. Which, I use to physically abuse him. He knows to just tell people that he, "fell down some stares" and not, "my wife beats me with the Hulk Hands that I bought for her last Christmas."

I am going to have a trophy made for him. This trophy will depict a gilded Han Solo riding a white stallion into battle and the inscription on the plaque will read: "Number One Husband Award for Not Giving His Spouse an STD, Abusing Her Physcially/Verbally or Having Sex with Other Men Since 2011." Damn, that's a really huge plaque.

He deserves it though. He has had to deal with a woman who has been on her period since 1976.

No Fatties

Alot of people (I'm looking in your direction europe!) like to make fun of the U.S. for being so obese and for the most part they have the right because most of us are fat. But, the U.S. military has a strict "no fatties" requirement for all recruits across all branches. What is interesting here is that if any other job required its employees to maintain a certain weight, that would be considered discrimination and that fatty could probably sue that employer on such grounds. The military can get away with this "discrimination" because, well...they have tanks. Hooters can be sued for not hiring male servers. Airlines can be sued when a rotund passenger is forced to purchase two seats based on his or her size. An all Jewish school can be sued for not admitting gentiles. The list goes on and on. I'm sure I could come up with a reason why my last job prospect didn't hire me...perhaps Mal-Interview Skills Syndrome or MISS for short. It's a social disorder...that I might have made up, but that's not the point! The point is, we should be holding ourselves to higher standards like the military does. Instead of sueing someone because they hurt our feelings maybe (and I know this sounds crazy) we should take some initiative and loss weight or take a communications class or get gender re-assignment surgery (for the Hooter's guy...jk...or am I?) The bottome line is, if my job told me that I was going to be fired over 15 lbs. I'd start running around in trash bags until the weight came off and that is exactly what new military recruits do who need to lose the weight to follow their dreams. If it's good enough for the best military on the planet, it's good enough for me.