Nevermore! Quoth the Amazon

There was a time, long ago, when customers walked into a store, bought a 12 pack of white socks and NO ONE asked them to review the item purchased! No humans, no phone calls, no emails and no ad placements on social media ever asked the customer to review their purchase of a 12 pack of white socks and their shopping experience. The questions of, "Did this item meet your needs?", "Describe your shopping experience" and "Would you recommend a 12 pack of white socks to other customers?" were ever even proposed.

Now, I can only imagine a blissful utopia where I quietly purchase my econo size bag of socks. No one will know the shame of my poverty stricken feet. Facebook does not exist to proclaim to the world that I just purchased socks that were probably made by modern day slaves in China. I would not receive at least 4 emails a day from this horrid sock company asking me to leave a nice review.

The hounding never ends. Beep, beep, beep goes my infernal phone as update after update roll into the tiny computer like waves announcing and now, demanding that I critique my shopping experience and the quality of products that I have bought. There is no rest for the wicked. The incessant noise becomes a pulse of not just sound but also of light on my desk top; a constant reminder of my forgetfulness and moderately priced sock addiction. Neither the cover of night nor the deliverance of daybreak can cleanse me of this succubus. Beep, beep, beep goes the device.

Sleep comes slowly as dreams are rated by stars. One star dreams or four star dreams? Thumbs up or thumbs down on going in to work today? I cannot afford the luxury of ignorance. I  know for a fact whether or not this atrocious sock company has met my needs or not. In this story, the truth most certainly does not set you free. To give an honest opinion is to be harassed even more! The beast comes to me thru the amazonian internet jungle. "Remove your tainted evaluation and a gilded donation will await you!", the beast hisses.

Truly I say to you, there is no rest for the wicked. Beware the deals. Beware the socks and be free of the immutable beep, beep, beep.

The iPad and Other Useless Sh*t

I'm a big fan of multi-taskers. Take the knife for instance, it slices, it dices and it can protect you in a hobo fight! It has so many uses! I could be in my kitchen, minding my own business, just slicing up some kiwis, bein' all healthy and sh*t, when out of nowhere, a maniac does a sweet judo roll thru the sliding glass doors and right into my kitchen wielding a hand gun. Without missing a beat, I do a blind turn and stab my assailant right in the heart with my 6 in. chef's knife, then I calmly return to cutting up my kiwi fruit, only after I have gently removed the blood from my blade and hopefully had called 911, at some point during this scenario.  Now that's a multi-tasker!

The iPad, on the other hand, cannot chop kiwi fruit nor can it defend my honor in a vicious kitchen brawl. This is just one of the many reasons that I cannot support the iPad. My husband recently purchased an iPad because he is an idiot. I do not understand the iPad or the people who own them. "The iPad has so many cool apps and functions, though!" Me, "So, just like my iPhone that I already own and pay for?" "The iPad is also way lighter and easier to carry than a laptop." Me, "I thought you wanted to lose weight?"  "But, it has a way bigger screen!" Me, "Just like my laptop that I already own and pay for?" My laptop also has a functioning, real world, keyboard, has more storage capabilities than the iPad and oh yeah, I ALREADY OWN IT AND HAVE PAID FOR IT!!!!

I think the iPad is just for people who love to spend money, for no reason. I think if everyone who has purchased an iPad used that same money on charity, instead of this expensive uni-tasker, we probably would have cured AID's by now. Therefore, if you buy an iPad, clearly you want AID's to win. Not cool, not cool everybody. Keep in mind, that I have written this on my old timey, clunky, heavy, already paid for laptop. It's so heavy, in fact, that I can sling it at that guy coming thru my window, right now; and it will probably kill him on impact and still function, even after the collision. Now that's a multi-tasker!

Ballistically Sound

"Built to Take a Beating"
Gear up, shielded with a KEVLAR® strong backplate. Suppress an onslaught of scratches and scrapes, reinforced by Corning® Gorilla® Glass. Take whatever the world throws at you and throw it right back. Almost nothing brings this mobile juggernaut down.

This is the description from Verizon's website about their new Droid Razor Phone. But I still have a few questions.

Am I going into war-torn Iraq? Or am I on a ship bound for the rogue state of Somalia? If I am not going to any of these gang states then why does my phone need ballistic stats? I'm pretty sure no one will be shooting a Kalashnikov at my phone any time soon. So please, Verizon, can you lower the price of your stupid phones by taking away the preposterous Kevlar armor? Also, your new Droid phone looks like HAL from 2001:A Space Odyssey, which frightens me.