I'm too Old for this Shit

Sorry, I have been pretty absent as of late. I'm taking some night and online classes. So, when I'm not studying or working I am sleeping, sleeping or taking drugs to help me sleep.

Can you guys please invent one of those beds that teaches you shit in your dreams? Either that or we need to attach (in very tiny letters) the word 'cocaine' to the marijuana legalization bill so that I can do cocaine and stay awake for 72 hours straight.

Side note: I'm not actually using a GI Bill to go back to school. (This is why you should never take memes seriously kids. They are full of lies. If your political ideology is based off of a meme, we are all fucked...oh wait...I just made myself sad.) I just thought this meme properly portrayed my 32 year old ass in a high school desk learning about environmental biology.

Anyways, I'm going back to sleep now or studying or working...does it really matter? Ya'll let me know how that SmartBed/cocaine thing goes. I want to see progress people!

A Eulogy

Hit puree!

Product Review: 4-month-old Vitamix $449 Vs. 15-year-old Sunbeam blender $25

The Vitamix is a lumbering machine built for brute force with high-end torque.

The Sunbeam is from Wal-Mart and makes no promises.

Personal Testimony: My Vitamix has made approximately 4 smoothies and 2 salsa batches. Today this mighty apparatus was brought to its knees by a hummus recipe. I swear to God those chick peas took one look at my modern, counter-top, marvel and said, "FUCK YOU TECHNOLOGY". These gangsta garbanzo beans were also wearing Ray Bans and smoking. Which really should have tipped me off to their malevolence.

Personal Testimony: My Wal-Mart Sunbeam blender lasted me thru college right up until this year. It wasn't broken, mind you, I just wanted to level up to the Vitamix like an actual adult. This old blender wasn't fancy or pretty but dammit if it didn't do it's job. Just like a hipster juice bar in SoHo, this blender might take all day to make one smoothie, in small batches, while being terribly annoyed about having to do work, but it WILL get the job done.

In Conclusion: I wish I had appreciated you more Sunbeam. I should have told you how much I appreciated you everyday. Instead, I threw you to the curb. I placed you in a yard sale with a tag that said, "50 cents". Why was I so cold to you? You were the glue in this family. You were the steady rock. You were always there for us, blending your little heart out.

Tonight, before you go to bed talk with your appliances, tell them you appreciate them and that you will care for them in their old age and not cast them aside for a newer, sleeker model. It might be the last chance you get.

Hello Kitty Goodbye Electric Toothbrush

To all my dental hygiene enthusiasts heed this warning, Satan walks among us. He is the creator of the most demonic presence known to man, err, gingivitis...the ELECTRIC TOOTH BRUSH!

Dentists claim that using an electric tooth brush, on a regular basis, will cut down on plaque, gingivitis, cavities and even reduce the number of cleanings you need per year. After using one of these sadistic devices I can boldly say that I completely agree with the American Dental Association. You know how yearly cleanings are painful, uncomfortable and just plain messy? Well, now imagine having those same irritating feelings, on a daily schedule and in the comfort of your own home! Of course this machine will destroy tooth decay and plaque! It's doing the same annoying job as your dentist and dental hygienist! The sensation is truly terrifying. Imagine a bathroom, in which toothpaste is soaring all across your mirror, the hum of the device is maddening, vibrating (like nails on a chalkboard) over your sensitive gum line, devoid of all cleaning agents because that gel was deposited onto the mirror over your sink and your teeth are chattering from irritation, pain and lack of proper lubrication. 

This must be the work of the dark lord. Only the devil could create something as sinister as an "in-home dentist". I must admit that I was seduced by His promises of a gleaming smile and a shrinking dental bill. But lo! These are mere words on parchment, err, internet, err binary, err LCD monitor...you get the idea. Well, enough with this talk transformed into 0's and 1's. Many of us are visual learners and for those people I have devised a list of ancient torture devices that I would prefer to be tortured with as opposed to being tortured (nightly) by my electric tooth brush. 

First up...

Whatever the HELL this is?! "Hey bro, just relax while we insert this tiny pyramid up your butt. Also, don't worry. Could be worse....could be an electric tooth brush....up your butt."

Next...

Tiny fork torture. Man, these ancients really had a thing for tiny torture devices. Also, it looks like a trident but with only two prongs...does that make it a bident?

Moving on we have...

Stretchy torture. The clergy was all like, "Hey man, nothing personal but the church really frowns on being short...something about 'God has cursed ye hobbits, yadda, yadda, yadda', you know what I'm talkin' about. We gotta stretch you out man...for Jesus. Just be glad you don't have tartar build-up along your gum-line."

And Finally...

An actual dentist with an actual chainsaw. I feel like the dentist would have the courtesy of giving me some local anesthetics or happy gas before chainsawing my face open. Why don't electric toothbrushes come with laughing gas and dino stickers? I need to know that I was brave and did a great job through the positive reinforcement of a dino sticker...but I am willing to settle for Hello Kitty. I'll meet ya half way, Satan.

Wasted Saturday

Found this website via thebloggess.com, it's called dreamscopeapp.com, pretty radical stuff. This is what happens when you are severely jet-lagged and suffer from chronic motivation deficiency disorder or MDD for short. If you have nothing better to do with your day then I suggest wasting it away by seeing what you would have looked liked had Picasso painted you.

My only critique: There should be a Frida Kahlo filter in which the program just gives you one huge eyebrow. What if a "face" is not detected? Then fuck it. Put that eye caterpillar on whatever object IS in your photo. One giant eyebrow over a couch....that's an app I could get lost in.

The Flameshoveler

I have never lived in a truly cold environment. One time it snowed at my house for three days and that was about it. However, during the winter season I see numerous PSA's and news stories about snow storms and the nightmare of having to shovel snow off of your driveway. Many people complain of back problems, time constraints and over-all fatigue due to shoveling snow.  I might have a solution to the snow shoveling situation.

Just stop. Seriously. Just buy a flamethrower and torch the shit outta that snow. Make the snow your winter time bitch! I found this on Amazon for $300.

This bad boy can reach temperatures of 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit. You could just flame your driveway in under 10 seconds flat with this mechanical dragon.

Back pain? Torch it! Fatigue? Torch it! No time? Torch it! Torch your way to the clearest driveway in the neighborhood!

Algorithms Are Terrible Bankers

No matter how many times (587 to be exact) I tell my bank that I have moved (because we are in the military a.k.a vagabonds and this is never going to change so get used to it) my credit card STILL gets declined!

Today, I spoke with a cards services representative and he told me that the real problem lies within the algorithms. "Your bank has almost no control over your card being declined. There exists an algorithm that tracts what countries or states commit the most credit card fraud and that data can change day by day or even hour to hour. The computer system then flags your card for suspicious activity and the bank immediately declines all further purchases until they hear from the consumer"

Computers are finally running our lives. If this is the case then shouldn't I at least get a jet-pack or something out of the deal? Machines take away my freedom of choice and humanity but in return I gain a jet-pack. I was promised jet-packs by the Jetsons. We have been lied to. An infinite series of zeros and ones controls my money and I don't even get any cool glasses like La Forge from Star Trek. Can I get a protocol droid like C-3P0? I would even settle for a cool beverage that is electric green, smokes and contains a live lizard. Seriously, you could buy me off with weird futuristic cocktails, I don't ask for much people! (I mean ROBOTIC OVERLORDS)

Somewhere in cyberspace lies the debris of declined purchases. Nothing can stand in the way of this mathematical juggernaut, the Algorithm.

Update: The Shredder

I have decided that if you come up with a solution to one of my many queries you will be upgraded from 'Think Tank Follower' to 'Tank Girl/or Boy'.

In a post from a month ago I forced my rage for shredding chicken onto the internet and the internet replied. Several 'followers' told me that it is possible to shred chicken in a food processor; however, I do not own a food processor because I am not an adult. So then, a friend of mine GAVE me a Ninja food processor and all I can say is that the Ninja, samurai shredded the FUCK out of that chicken breast! I highly endorse this product. My only complaint would be that it worked too well. I pulsed the machine for maybe 5 seconds and the meat went from shredded to completely pulverized or like the consistency of finely ground beef.

Shredding chicken, with two forks, would normally take me anywhere from 10 to 20 minutes to do and now with the ancient art of Japanese self defense on my side this process only takes 5 seconds. The only question that still remains is what will I do with all my newly found free time?! I will spend this leisure time wisely, by watching every cat video the internet has to offer. Meow for now bitches.

"As Seen on this Blog"

As you may or may not know, I have a love/hate relationship with companies like Pampered Chef and Bed, Bath and Beyond. These businesses are constantly trying to sell things to the consumer that are both arbitrary and redundant. I try to live a minimalist life style; therefore, I don't need my kitchen to be bogged down by garlic presses, citrus juicers and apple corers. I do own a knife and a set of "hands" (patent pending) that have been working pretty well for the majority of my simple life.

However, I would love to own a machine that can shred chicken. Despite the fact that I own both a fork and a set of "hands" (patent pending), I just effing hate shredding chicken. If a recipe calls for shredded chicken I will usually cube the meat or just not make that stupid dish. Sadly, the majority of Mexican food calls for some kind of shredded meat and even sadder, I love Mexican food. So, you see my dilemma.

Things I hate include:

Hitler
Cats
Satan
Navient Loans
War
HGTV
Shredding Chicken

Can you put a chicken breast thru a paper shredder? Or maybe, a wood chipper would work better? I will be sending these questions off to my Research and Development (R&D) department. Product testing and consumer polling will take place shortly after the R&D phase. Be on the look out for the "Shredder" thru "As Seen on this Blog" not "As Seen on TV"...those people make garlic presses, and possibly war...but, definitely garlic presses.

Navient A.K.A Mephistopheles (He Who Avoids the Light) and the Battle for my Student Loans

I am in a very weird situation. The situation is good financial standing. I'm quite sure that this won't last for long. The spell will probably end at midnight and my car will turn into a pair of mismatched Old Navy flip flops but for now I am the bell of the ball!

Don't worry, I am being responsible, no jets, no Dom Perignon, just student loans, paying on my student loans. As many of you know, Sallie Mae has transformed into an even more sinister entity known as Navient.

With my extra cash, I went online and tried to put some additional money on my loans, that are handled by Navient (aka the Dark Lord). Long story short, the Navient (He who shall not be named) website was malfunctioning. You would think that they could use my $54,000 towards an IT department but, I digress. I called customer service. Pro-tip. If you want to speak to a human there is a great website called http://gethuman.com/ but if that doesn't work then just scream the words FUCK YOU into your phone at the recorded menu...someone will redirect your call so that you can yell FUCK YOU to a real live human! It's fun!

Next, I spoke to a nice Indian woman who just took my funds over the phone since neither of us could figure out what the website problem was or how to fix it. My representative then proceeds to tell me (And this is where I lost my mind), "Ok, your payment has gone through and I have waved the $14 phone processing fee since you were having technical issues with our online site." This company was going to charge me money in order to take my money? That's the inception of getting fucked! This company already has all my bank account information because my payments are automatic. In this instance I was trying to give (the Devil) MORE money than my automated monthly payments. At least the call was recorded so that someone will hear my rage...probably not do anything about it but at least SOMEONE, other than me, will suffer my wrath.

A business that already has all my bank account and credit card information has chosen to use Western Union. I didn't even know that company still existed. My money is currently traveling along the Orient Express and then will ride on the Pony Express to it's Manifest Destiny. I can only imagine the banker who is handling this transaction is sporting a monocle and handlebar mustache. I hope this banker picks up some kick-ass spices on the Silk Road as he journeys to the Navient headquarters on the shore of the River Styx.

Also, if you look closely at this photo you can just tell how dumb I am because the other tab that is open in this photo is titled, "how to take a screenshot". At least, through this infuriating situation, I finally learned how to take a screenshot; next I will be tackling emojis and text messaging. It's as if I just missed the '90's. I'm just now getting caught up. What is this "AIM" that all the kids are talking about?

What is the lesson here? If you sign your name to student loans with Navient, you have just made an actual deal with the devil and you might learn how to play the guitar or fiddle but won't have a soul anymore. Navient (Beelzebub) has your soul and a $14 processing fee...needed to take your soul via Western Union.

LAPD Purgatory

Where do we go when we die? Were you a bad person, like not returning your shopping cart bad or supreme leader/evil dictator bad? Were you a good person, like lending books to people when you know that they will NEVER return them to you type good or like Saint Mother Theresa type good? Maybe you will go to heaven. Maybe you will go into the hellscape of a Bosch painting. I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life but I will tell you how I would like mine to end.

For some morbid reason, I have given death a lot of thought. Should I be cremated? Buried? Should my body be used for science or fodder for a future tree. Last night I realized that I want my remaining body or body parts, whatever is left really, to be turned into a Robocop. I will try to put this into my will but I need to find an attorney who has experience with Robo-Law. If I become paralyzed, Robocop. If I need life support to survive, Robocop. If my body simply won't make it and death is the only other option, Robocop.

My husband said that he will leave me if I am turned into a Robocop. That's fine because after my transformation I will bury myself in my police work and other Robo-activities such as, TALKING IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS WITH NO DISCERNIBLE EMOTION, INTONATION OR ACCENT, cleaning my gun while hanging upside down from a door frame and also I am blindfolded for some reason, walking without swinging my arms, oiling all my Robo-joints, playing fetch with my new Robo police dog that was specially designed by the K9 unit of the police department. The dog's name will be Terabyte.

My new Robo-body will offer me eternal life and, in return, the people of Los Angeles will receive an eternity of prodigious justice. I won't need a funeral or memorial service. Instead, I will be issued a Glock 17, a badge and extreme authority. Detective RoboDonna is reporting for duty.

Ghost in the Headphones

All of my sound gear is haunted by a deaf old man. I think I have a poltergeist with a busted ear drum. My iPod needs an exorcism. Let me explain. When I turn on my iPod, plug in the head phones and choose music to listen to, while running, the default volume on the device is always at a full deafening blast; so loud in fact, that I have to rip the ear buds out of my ears and I start screaming like an insane person. This is what I look like while running, by the way, an insane person screaming at an unseen group of Jackson 5s to just shut the F up. What I don't understand is the fact the iPod has saved all previous data from its last use. For example, when I turn on the machine it will start playing right where it was shut off from the previous use, so if I was listening to Ghostland Observatory and then switched off the player then the next time I turn the player on it will pick right back up again with Ghostland Observatory EXCEPT at FULL BLAST even though I left it at a normal volume and I have even MUTED it and turned the iPod back on only to suffer from an intense sonic shock wave.

I think the only logical explanation is that I have a ghost in the machine situation at play here. I can't sprinkle holy water on my iPod for obvious reasons. I can't call a priest because he will try to hit my iPod with a Bible and that will probably break it. I am in a real jam here people which reminds me of a terrible joke I once heard, "What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my cock into your wife's mouth!" That was awful and I apologize. Deafening sound blasts are also awful so I might have to just buy a new "spirit free" iPod because my current device has given me pretty terrible tinnitus. Maybe those guys at the "Genius Bar" are actually shamans ready to exorcise all of our broken/haunted Apple devices.

Google Maps FML

This is what happens to me every time I use Google Maps. I know that there must be a better way of getting from point A to point B but I am not familiar enough with the area to figure it out myself. I have also  included a photo of the roadway system here in Italy. It is indecipherable yet delicious and full of carbs.

Arts and Crafts Death Machine

A few months ago this couple turned into a little family when we bought a cactus. Not really, the cactus doesn't really pull it's weight around here to be considered a contributing family member but at least it is low maintenance. We named our cactus Spike Jones...get it???!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ironically, Spike Jones (the desert plant) is terrible at directing/producing iconic rap music videos. Perhaps I am a too demanding succulent mother. Our REAL new family member is Prince Regent Il Topo Primo. I won't bother you with Google translate because I know that you are a buisy workin' girl so here it is: Il Topo Primo = The First Mouse.

We have had a mouse in our house (apparently, we are also living in a Mother Goose rhyme) for about 3 months now. We had pest control come out and all they did was put down pieces of cardboard with glue all over the top. Needless to say, this hair-brained idea did not claim the lives of any mice but it did inflict much violence on several pairs of shoes, my Tom's R.I.P.

Recently, my husband and I (notice that lazy cactus NOT helping, I'm looking at YOU Spike Jones) took matters into our own hands. I am terrible at arts and crafts but I think that's because there is not normally an element of death in mod podge and glitter.

The internet told us to fill a bucket with water, then place a can on a wire covered in peanut butter and put some kind of a ladder leading up to the can with the peanut butter. The idea is that the mouse will run up to the can covered in PB and then the can will rotate on the wire until the mouse falls into the water filled bucket and then expires. We did not have all of the proper accouterments for our death machine so we had to improvise. Below, you will see an Adventure Time Marcelline guitar that I made several years ago for my Halloween costume that acts as the 'ladder', a Fire House Subs bucket, a mutilated wire hanger that was used as the 'wire' and coke bottle cut in half.

Next, my husband added the peanut butter.

When people see this arts and crafts death machine in my home, I realize that I look insane. I could just get a cat but then I would have to own a cat...dumb. I might get a boa constrictor if this doesn't work but then I would have a boa constrictor problem and I am not 'Florida Man'.

How do you guys get rid of mice? Please tell me because my death machine isn't producing as much death as hoped and I am tired of our little guest who doesn't even pay rent.

The Biblical Mystery of Coasters

The Bible teaches us that God created man from the earth and that man desired another partner or friend for his lonely existence on this planet. God gave man another human to couple with and that human was woman. Woman taught man many things like love, comfort and arguably deceit.

Unfortunately, she forgot to teach man how to use effing coasters.  Don't tell me they didn't have coasters in the Bible. Did you just place your goblet directly on the earth? Your grass would get watermarks from the chalice!!!! God opened man's eyes to his nakedness and exposed his heart to the home wares of Pier One. (Pretty sure that's what the Bible says, I'm no doctor) What kind of ungodly, furniture-ruining, Ikea-hating, monster would put their glasses AROUND the coaster but not on it? My eye is twitching and possibly hemorrhaging, as we speak, due to this home economics travesty.

I'm almost positive that God gave women menstrual cycles and pain during child birth NOT because she exposed man to sin but because she didn't teach him proper home management and coaster usage techniques. Society no longer exists in Biblical times and women have a lot more on their plates than house-hold management, babies, demon-snakes and questionable fruit choices. So, for the sake of my fragile sanity and all that is holy and good please, just use the damn coaster. Otherwise, you mock its very existence.

#Cursed

Happy New Year! I wanted to wish you an Unhappy Old Year but that's in the past. Speaking of which, here are some hashtags that made my old year quite unhappy.

#blessed....because your benevolent god saw fit to just, simply bless you. Aren't you special. Every time something bad happens to me am I cursed? "I gained 10 pounds over the holidays!" #cursed

#nofilter...OMG you took a photo NOT on Instagram?! I am glad that you told me because I am going thru Instagram withdrawls.

#nomakeup...I wish this was the caption underneath my shitty passport photo. When will we be allowed to use Instagram for official photos? If someone had to indentify my body from an official photo no one would know who I was. They would only be familiar with my facebook and Instagram postings that contain numerous filters and an entire Clinique counter worth of make-up.

#cleaneating...WTF does that even mean?! As opposed to dirty eating? So, eating out of a dumpster ISN'T considered clean eating? What foods are clean and which ones are dirty? Am I on a kosher diet now?

#gym...#noonefuckingcares

Gift Wrapping Machine: Roomba or Wrapba

I can speak several languages, play musical instruments and navigate my way across Europe but dear God, help me if I have to gift wrap something. All my friends and family know that If they receive a gift from me then that gift will be hastily thrown into a bag and not wrapped. I'm sure that I could master Chinese acrobatics before I could entangle myself in the deranged, origami art of gift wrapping.

What sadist came up with this stupid idea? Hitler? Stalin? Emperor Nero? Personally, I think it was probably Batman's nemesis the Riddler. That guy LOVED surprises.  We all want to be surprised come Christmas morning or birthday but why do our gifts have to be intricately coated in extremely thin paper? THROW THAT SHIT IN A BAG!!!! It's gonna get tor' up inna bout 10 seconds!!!! SON!!!!!

The answer to this query is, of course, technology! We have drones, roombas, diswashers and netflix but we don't have a machine that will wrap presents for us yet? Talk about your first world problems! Society needs a Wrapba! Stick your gift inside the Wrapba Box, fill it with the wrapping paper, of your choosing and let the Wrapba do the work! From the company that brought you Wrapba, we give you Bowba! Bowba will give your special bounty the most elaborately enchanted bows imaginable!

I think the real question here is: If someone gives you Wrapba or Bowba for Christmas how do they wrap it?

Orange is the New Black

I refuse to watch Orange is the New Black and here is why. Netflix has sucked for quite some time now. I can't find classic movies, new movies or more than one season of almost any show that they offer and I don't understand why they can't host every movie/show created through out time? You have the power of the internet behind your company? I used to go to an old video store called the Naro Video Exchange and this place from the 1970's had a much wider selection of new and old movies and TV shows. They even kept up with the times with Blu-rays and other such nonsense. The guy who worked behind the counter looked to be about 70 years old, wore coke-bottle glasses and had a handle bar mustache. How did THAT guy get a better selection of movies than a massive company like Netflix?!

I don't like conspiracy theories (unless, we're talking about the tooth fairy THAT BITCH IS REAL). Not really a "theory" I guess, so much as a fictitious person. So, let me clarify, I DO NOT believe in conspiracy theories but I DO believe in mythical beings? Now, I'm confused. Here is my conspiracy theory which DOES NOT include the tooth fairy.

I think Netflix is cramming all of their "original programming" down our throats? Down our eyeballs? That's gross. Shows like Orange is the New Black, Arrested Development and Knights of Sydonia get our immediate attention because there isn't anything else worth watching on Netflix, most of the time. This boosts ratings for their own programming; which, they can produce and air for a fraction of the cost of buying the rights to all these other films and shows to rent out on their website or in the mail. Right now, 90% of what I see on Netflix are shitty B-movies, which I have discussed here before. They are cheap so Netflix buys an ass load of them!

I'm sure that Orange is the New Black is just as great as everyone says it is but out of principal I just can't watch it. Get some better "rented" programming, Netflix, and then I will start to watch your original programs.

Orange is the New Netflix

Give Credit Where Credit is Due

The majority of AWESOME ideas, floating around the universe right now, are mine. But, once in a great while, the torch is passed. I am not afraid to admit when I have been out done (which, sadly, is often). This is one of those great moments in our history when a true genius has risen to such great heights amongst us. A god amongst men. An idea so original and yet so simple.

Humanity has clear grand pianos (Thanks every pop band that sorta plays piano) which are totally pointless and probably sound like shit or more likely have an electric keyboard encased inside of a translucent grand shell (equally dumb). And yet, we can not use lucite to our advantage? For science?! I say thee nay! What else, in our lives, could be improved upon if they were only transparent. Perhaps our medical bills...(see what I did there?!) Politics, BOOM!

The Fly

*No Jeff Goldblums were harmed in the writing of this blog.

Two flies have been ruining my life. They cannot be killed; they might even be terminators I'm not sure. We cannot kill them. We set up fly paper and this weird bottle of sugar water that the internet told us to make. Literally, nothing will kill these assholes. A better fly killer/trap needs to be invented but first let's look at the facts.

Flies don't actually want to be on your food, they want to be on YOU. The food is merely a segue to the closest human. These flies only bother me and my husband when we are innocently sitting on the couch sanz food. They just don't want us to watch anime all day long I guess. Jerks.
Okay, we need to create human shaped fly catchers/killers. This fly catcher will still need to be portable for use indoors and outdoors. I suggest an inflatable human and NO not one of those "love dolls" from an adult video store (you sicko). An inflatable human that is dressed like they just want to relax and not be bothered by flies. This inflatable humanoid will emit a sweet smell but then kill those stupid creatures on contact thru it's toxic skin! This item is not yet safe for children because it is still in the prototype phases of construction. Since it will be covered in bug poison, kids will, naturally, want to play with it. If you know of a way I can make this thing kid safe, let me know. This is a Think Tank, after all. I can't be a one woman Think Tank.

The iPad and Other Useless Sh*t

I'm a big fan of multi-taskers. Take the knife for instance, it slices, it dices and it can protect you in a hobo fight! It has so many uses! I could be in my kitchen, minding my own business, just slicing up some kiwis, bein' all healthy and sh*t, when out of nowhere, a maniac does a sweet judo roll thru the sliding glass doors and right into my kitchen wielding a hand gun. Without missing a beat, I do a blind turn and stab my assailant right in the heart with my 6 in. chef's knife, then I calmly return to cutting up my kiwi fruit, only after I have gently removed the blood from my blade and hopefully had called 911, at some point during this scenario.  Now that's a multi-tasker!

The iPad, on the other hand, cannot chop kiwi fruit nor can it defend my honor in a vicious kitchen brawl. This is just one of the many reasons that I cannot support the iPad. My husband recently purchased an iPad because he is an idiot. I do not understand the iPad or the people who own them. "The iPad has so many cool apps and functions, though!" Me, "So, just like my iPhone that I already own and pay for?" "The iPad is also way lighter and easier to carry than a laptop." Me, "I thought you wanted to lose weight?"  "But, it has a way bigger screen!" Me, "Just like my laptop that I already own and pay for?" My laptop also has a functioning, real world, keyboard, has more storage capabilities than the iPad and oh yeah, I ALREADY OWN IT AND HAVE PAID FOR IT!!!!

I think the iPad is just for people who love to spend money, for no reason. I think if everyone who has purchased an iPad used that same money on charity, instead of this expensive uni-tasker, we probably would have cured AID's by now. Therefore, if you buy an iPad, clearly you want AID's to win. Not cool, not cool everybody. Keep in mind, that I have written this on my old timey, clunky, heavy, already paid for laptop. It's so heavy, in fact, that I can sling it at that guy coming thru my window, right now; and it will probably kill him on impact and still function, even after the collision. Now that's a multi-tasker!