Popetarts

So, I thought I had a totally original idea and to a certain extent I do. No one has yet to actually "make" PopeTarts but there are some images that people have made. My PopeTarts, however, would be in the shape of the Pope's hat, scepter and Pope mobile. They would have to be heated in a toaster oven because they might not fit in a traditional toaster. They go great with holy water or mother's milk. They are especially delicious after a confessional. I think I should pitch this idea to the local archdioses.

Don't have time for breakfast? No problem. Popetarts! Don't have time to pray? Popetarts to the spiritual and nutritional rescue!

"They're religious and nutritious!"

Ballistically Sound

"Built to Take a Beating"
Gear up, shielded with a KEVLAR® strong backplate. Suppress an onslaught of scratches and scrapes, reinforced by Corning® Gorilla® Glass. Take whatever the world throws at you and throw it right back. Almost nothing brings this mobile juggernaut down.

This is the description from Verizon's website about their new Droid Razor Phone. But I still have a few questions.

Am I going into war-torn Iraq? Or am I on a ship bound for the rogue state of Somalia? If I am not going to any of these gang states then why does my phone need ballistic stats? I'm pretty sure no one will be shooting a Kalashnikov at my phone any time soon. So please, Verizon, can you lower the price of your stupid phones by taking away the preposterous Kevlar armor? Also, your new Droid phone looks like HAL from 2001:A Space Odyssey, which frightens me.

Panda-emic?

Pandas. Quite possibly the stupidest creature on earth. Why? They choose not to procreate, they don't move and they only eat bamboo which offers them no nutritional value whatsoever. These are all choices the panda makes on its own. People. Might be more stupid than pandas. Why? We choose to procreate and then immediately kill the fetus while in utero. We(Americans) don't move...except for our fingertips which are busy texting things like, "OMG can't wait to si SAW CLXVIV tonight! LOOOOOOOLZZZZ!!!". We also choose to eat Panda Express (coincidence? I think not!) which offers us no nutritional value whatsoever. We make all these decisions on our own.

The only thing that separates us from pandas is our ball size. Clearly, we have huge balls because it takes a pretty big set to study pandas, not see the similarities and try to keep this useless beast, or as I like to call them Snookis of the animal kingdom, from extinction. Huge balls. It's the only thing seperating us from the pandas. Want proof? Humans have one of the largest ball to body ratios of all mammals. That is a fact.

But pandas are soooo cute so we need to save them? Nope. Dolphins are adorable AND they're go-getters! Jumpin' thru hoops for our amusement, saving salty sailors from evil sirens, stars of kitchy 1970's era television shows, killing sharks on the Discovery channel. Those guys are non-stop! I bet they have huuuuge balls.

This cake calls for 50 tablespoons of butter

I really wish that people would STOP saying their childrens' ages in months, once they have passed the year mark. Your child will not stay a baby if you continue to think of his age in months. It won't make him any younger. It will only make you look dumber. Your child is not 26 months old. He is 2. Your child is not 14 months old. He is a year. This is how we deal with time people. Once you make it past 12 months you now have to start gauging things in years.

I would never say. "I live just 10,792 feet from you". No, that is dumb. I live about 2 miles from you. These gauges of time, distance and other measurements were put in place for a reason, so let's use them. Oh and guess what? I'm 27 years old NOT 324 months old. Obviously, I could give you a million different examples but I'll be nice...

Colonial Williamsburg

Roadside tourist traps are nothing new. "Cosmos Mystery Area", "The Thing", "WonderWorld" these are all real places with real stupid outcomes. But, most of these places only cost a few bucks and they do, in fact, have something to show you, even if it is just a snake with two heads. (Which, by the way, is awesome) All of these establishments also have pretty massive gift shops attached as well. These roadside carnys really just want you to buy a piece of geode with your name on it, misspelled, of course, because that's where they make the real money. It is literally mind boggling how many of these places have sucked me in and yes, I have the pictures and fridge magnets to prove it. However, none was so insulting as Colonial Williamsburg.

Williamsburg charges you $37 just to get in and once you have bled out all your cash for this roadside stop you realize, upon entering, that anyone can enter for free! There are local college students out on a jog, senior citizens out walking their dogs and other such townies out and about all over this place. There is also nothing "Colonial" about Williamsburg. It is a re-creation of a period town and apparently that period contained gift shops galore!!! Turns out that the admission ticket just gets you into a giant "old-timey" strip mall.

Once you're in, there is no getting your money back so I took it in stride and proceeded to obtain a nice buzz bordering on total drunkenness. Then I made some tactical errors. I ended up buying a fife, a book of music for my fife, a candy apple that had seen better days, and two $6 candy bars and then I fell into a drunken coma in a Barnes and Noble.

I'm not sure if I learned anything about America at Colonial Williamsburg...no wait, I did learn something. Americans are geniuses at capitalism. I'm sure we were selling candy apples to the natives the second we got off that boat and buying land for beads, because we are heartless capitalistic dousche bags. And to think, all this because I wanted to see a snake with two heads?

There is Such a Thing as a Dumb Question

I've always had professors say to me, "There is no such thing as a dumb question." This is a fallacy. If you think you should have learned something a long time ago, like everyone else, you are probably right. So, instead of wasting my time and everyone else's with your bone-head question look it up online first. Seriously people. For centuries mankind has had to sift thru massive libraries, study nature and just live a long life in order to obtain knowledge, yet now we have ALL known knowledge at our cyber fingertips and we STILL ask stupid questions and are incapable of using this god-like cyber universe of information...which is also free and ANYONE can use it. Women, children, ethnic peoples, disabled, literally anyone!

Other questions don't even involve actual knowledge but rather common sense. These are the worst of the dumb-ass questions. Ex. "Do I have to turn this in on time?" What do you think? Dumb-ass. These kinds of questions I usually don't even acknowledge with a response because it would waste precious oxygen.

Bottom line is if you think it is a stupid question...it is and you are dumb no matter what some free-lovin', hippy professor tells you.

Instrument Shaped Objects

Anything made by the company First Act should come with a disclaimer to all parents noting that they are purchasing an "Instrument shaped object" and it should not be used in any musical settings. Playing said "instrument" in a musical setting could result in hypertension, explosive diarrhea, night terrors and hysteria.

Parents, ask yourself these questions when purchasing an instrument for your child. You are willing to spend $100 a month on lessons but not more than $50 on the instrument that is supposed to carry them thru middle and or high school? Are you purchasing your "instrument" at the same store that you buy personal lubricant, toaster strudels and Christian pop albums from a $1 bin? Is this "instrument" bright pink and covered in unicorns? Did you have a coupon for it? These are all signs that you might have just purchased an "instrument shaped object" instead of the real deal.

I'm just trying to help here people because in life there are instruments and there are cheap evil instrument shaped doppelgangers. Much like Michelle Bachmnan. Sure she looooks human but she is actually a cyborg sent here from the future...you see what I did there, I got political for no apparent reason. I just M. Night Shyamalaned you!!