Happy Birthday Georgie Boy!

Today is President's Day/George Washington's birthday/no school. Which is why I work. Left to my own devices on such boring holidays I just end up trolling Amazon and buying things that I don't need but telling myself pretty little lies like, "You NEED this anti-cellulite cream because it's probably the miracle product that your thighs NEED and summer is coming up! I NEED to prepare." or "This over-priced candle will make my house smell like Ernest Hemingway's seaside bungalow after smoking a rich Cuban cigar during a papaya-tinted, ocean, sunset and I NEED that smell in my life." Another popular lie. "I clearly NEED all these fancy books because right now my bookshelf is littered with such titles as What The Fuck Should I Make for Dinner, Pocket Dolly Parton Wisdom and You Suck. I NEED to class this dumpster fire up!" Also, "Who doesn't NEED all 13 seasons of The Pioneer Woman streaming straight to all of my devices?!"

I am clearly delusional but whateves because I supported democracy, capitalism and the U.S. postal service today when I purchased glittery silly putty because it's a "stress-reliever". Isn't this what Presidents Day is all about anyways?

Happy birthday George Washington and I hope you enjoy the succulent growing inside a tiny glass pyramid that I bought you/us.

It's Pronounced, " 'Merica "

Things I miss from America:
Driving everywhere
Chick-Fil-A
Live music
HBO
Barbeque
Guns
Theme Parks and water parks
Movies
Bowling
NPR


Things I don't miss from America:
Country music
Chipotle
Republicans
Mega-churches
Guns (Ask me why guns are on both lists)
Fox News
Reality TV
Super sized things
Salt water taffy
Pick-up trucks and (more specifically) pick-up truck drivers

America, like anywhere and anyone, has it's good side and it's bad. She will ask you to take photos of her only after she has sucked in her gut and within that gut is Honey Boo Boo. America wants you to know about all of it's freedoms and proud history but not about reality TV and churches such as Hobby Lobby or is it a business...wait it might be a person too?

 America is confusing, at times,  and she keeps you guessing like a theme park based around the history of the Bible. I can honestly say, that through all of my travels, America is the weirdest place I have ever been/lived. That is what makes the United States so great! It's weird and you don't have to like it or apologize. Just wait. America is always cookin' something up. If you are tired of Republicans they will flip flop with the Democrats, eventually. If you can't stand country music just wait for the country/rock backlash where true musicians rise up and fight the tyranny of, "She Thinks my Tractor's Sexy".

 America is liquid just like the great Mississippi River or the Guadalupe; ever flowing and ever changing. America is more than just a land mass. It's ideals. It's Taco Bell. It's the constitution. It's Forever 21 and Elizabeth Warren. It's ridiculous and sincere. It has it's faults, mainly the San Andreas but also Sunny D (What is that stuff?!). Just like family members, we complain about them when their there but we miss them when they are gone. I do miss you America, the good and the bad. Wait, I take that back I just don't miss Honey Boo Boo...at all. 'Merica!

Lean Cuisine Birthday

I am convinced that I can do whatever I want today because I had a Lean Cuisine for lunch.
List of Things I can do:
1.Eat my entire birthday cake by myself (birthdays are not for sharing)
2.Drink two bottles (thanks roomey) of wine by myself and then drink copious amounts of beer at Wurstfest.
3.Listen to all my birthday CD's at a full blast and all at the same time (Aaah yess, Phish, Muse and the True Blood soundtrack together at last!)
4.Make an ass out of myself at my friends Halloween party and throw up listed items 1 and 2 all over the seven-layer Halloween dip...yum!
5.Leave (get kicked out of) my friends Halloween party and then get into a highspeed chase with the law because I am a drunk driver.
6.Take the chase to Mexico, where the cops loose me.
7.Become the new Mexican drug lord, in which my new kingpin name will be Doña Loca Cumpleaños.

That's a hell of a birthday...thanks for making it all possible Lean Cuisine! Or should I say, Gracias!