Happy Birthday Georgie Boy!

Today is President's Day/George Washington's birthday/no school. Which is why I work. Left to my own devices on such boring holidays I just end up trolling Amazon and buying things that I don't need but telling myself pretty little lies like, "You NEED this anti-cellulite cream because it's probably the miracle product that your thighs NEED and summer is coming up! I NEED to prepare." or "This over-priced candle will make my house smell like Ernest Hemingway's seaside bungalow after smoking a rich Cuban cigar during a papaya-tinted, ocean, sunset and I NEED that smell in my life." Another popular lie. "I clearly NEED all these fancy books because right now my bookshelf is littered with such titles as What The Fuck Should I Make for Dinner, Pocket Dolly Parton Wisdom and You Suck. I NEED to class this dumpster fire up!" Also, "Who doesn't NEED all 13 seasons of The Pioneer Woman streaming straight to all of my devices?!"

I am clearly delusional but whateves because I supported democracy, capitalism and the U.S. postal service today when I purchased glittery silly putty because it's a "stress-reliever". Isn't this what Presidents Day is all about anyways?

Happy birthday George Washington and I hope you enjoy the succulent growing inside a tiny glass pyramid that I bought you/us.

Little Shop of Home Depot

All the the knowledge that I posses about botany emanates from the movie Little Shop of Horrors (A cult classic that my husband has never seen because he is a total mystery). With this being said, I do not understand the "Indoor Plants" section of the Home Depot. I assume, from the title, that these plants must be kept inside at all times no matter what, no matter how much the flower or herb begs you to go outside to play with all their other seedling friends and drink Capri Suns until the sun goes down.

How do these plants survive in the wild? They must be the genetically engineered dogs of the plant world. The pomeranians of greenery. I can't help but envision adorable little town houses, in the forest somewhere, that occur naturally and are housing these feeble little flora.

The only plants that I have managed NOT to kill have been cacti and succulents. After the zombie/Left Behind/Hunger Games/Terminator apocalypse and into our dystopian future few things will have survived except for roaches, cacti and Joan Rivers. I am positive that all these weak little bitch plants are going to be the first life forms to permanently die off.

My husband recently purchased a basil plant and so far, despite my best attempts, it is thriving. This plant requires constant sunshine and needs to be watered two times a day. Basil hales from Italy. It does not rain two times a day in Italy, where we live. I'm pretty sure that it doesn't even rain two times a day in the RAIN forest. I literally have no idea how this plant grows in the wild.

I just can't trust something that is so delicious, so high maintenance and yet an ultimate biological mystery, that is sold next to lawn gnomes at the Home Depot.