I'm too Old for this Shit

Sorry, I have been pretty absent as of late. I'm taking some night and online classes. So, when I'm not studying or working I am sleeping, sleeping or taking drugs to help me sleep.

Can you guys please invent one of those beds that teaches you shit in your dreams? Either that or we need to attach (in very tiny letters) the word 'cocaine' to the marijuana legalization bill so that I can do cocaine and stay awake for 72 hours straight.

Side note: I'm not actually using a GI Bill to go back to school. (This is why you should never take memes seriously kids. They are full of lies. If your political ideology is based off of a meme, we are all fucked...oh wait...I just made myself sad.) I just thought this meme properly portrayed my 32 year old ass in a high school desk learning about environmental biology.

Anyways, I'm going back to sleep now or studying or working...does it really matter? Ya'll let me know how that SmartBed/cocaine thing goes. I want to see progress people!

Fall-Guy Model

Life is too short not to wear crop tops. I finally purchased a crop top for the summer and I had to buy it in the 'Juniors' section of my local department store which immediately tells me that I am too old for such half-shirts but I just don't friggin' care ya'll. It's hot outside and this top is SUPER CUTE! Also, wearing a short shirt is a real ab work out, like, you gotta suck it in at all times. Whew! So, for that reason, I consider all crop tops to be athletic wear.

My husband was also very eager to jump on this trend, and by "very eager" I mean, I forced him to ruin one of his shirts for the comedic purposes of this demented blog. You know how there are certain 'types' of models? Runway models, athletic models, plus-size models and on and on goes this list of categorizing the human form. I think there should be a new category for models who are willing to do anything and look stupid doing it. Like, purposefully dumb. No one else is willing to look this dumb. We could call them 'Fall-Guy Models'. We all need a good fall-guy once in a while, someone who is willing to do the asinine.

I think my husband would be a great 'Fall-Guy Model' and not because he's stupid but rather because he truly believes that he looks fucking amazing in any form, wearing almost anything, while performing the stupidest of actions. I have never seen him embarrassed by anything. If you have ever seen the men's fashion at Zara then you know exactly what I am talking about. Who, in his right mind, would wear this crap? Let alone model it? Have you ever overheard a man say, "Hmmm, this button-down is great and all but it could really be improved by a graphic, detailing hordes of flamingos wearing sunglasses and drinking mai tais....also, pink glitter thread and gold buttons." No, you have never heard a man say that. What I am trying to say here is that Zara should hire my spouse as a 'Fall-Guy Model' for their men's spring collection. Sadly, Zara does not tailor clothes for the 6'3" dad bod but only the 5'3" Elvin hipster.

Taste the Rainbow, Bitch

Have you noticed that everyone you know or love has become some kind of specialist or expert on health/fitness and just life in general with absolutely NO credentials? I cannot leave my home or enter the information superhighway without being blasted with, "Sodas are bad for you!", "They contain a BILLION packets of sugar!!!"."You eat pre-packeged, manufactured foods?!! Oh my GOD, do you want to DIE?!!!!".  Let me explain a fun way of dealing with these people.

Years ago, I had a good friend who LOVED it when telemarketers would call the house. He would answer the phone and the telemarketer would launch into the incredible opportunity that awaited this random home owner. My friend would immediately reply, "WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! THIS IS AMAZING!!! YOU CHOSE ME!!! SHARON GET IN HERE! *click*. Mid sentence and through the excitement, he would hang up on the telemarketer. This process was a joy to watch and has helped me deal with stupidity throughout my life. It's very easy to get angry at things like this, but ultimately you can't stop stupidity or annoyances so, why not have fun with it?

Now, telling me that sodas are bad for you is akin to informing me about the dangers of smoking. It is not a mystery that smoking is terrible for you. I see people smoking everyday and feel no need to inform them of the risks involved with smoking. These smokers are adults and are making an informed adult decision. So, when someone 'enlightens' me about the sugar content of sodas, I reply thusly, "WHAT?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!!! NO ONE HAS EVER TOLD ME THIS BEFORE IN MY LIFE!!!! HOW LONG HAVE WE KNOWN?!!! DO OTHERS KNOW ABOUT THIS EPIDEMIC?!!!!!" Then, I slowly and calmly just fade away into the dark like Batman.

Here is another example. Buzz Kill: "How can you put processed foods into your body?" Me: "YOU TOLD ME TO MAKE MY DIET MORE COLORFUL SO NOW I ONLY EAT SKITTLES AND CHEETOS!!!! TASTE THE RAINBOW BITCH."

I hope this has helped. Now get out there and let's have some good old-fashioned fun! How do you deal with these Buzz Kills? I am open to new techniques.

You Had One Job

Have you ever been insulted in such a way as to instill an emotion of deep hatred and resentment towards your condescending accuser? If you have, you are not the only one. So many of us have felt the ire of being told how to reheat pop tarts by the box of pop tarts, itself. The humiliation of the phrase, "Contents may be hot" and my personal favorite, "results may vary". I never knew that "results varied"? I thought that if I died my hair with $4 Revlon semi-permanent, hair dye that I would look EXACTLY like the super model on the box! Where are my sun-kissed highlights? The haunting low-lights? A perfectly quaffed blow out and bleached teeth?! WHERE ARE YOU!!!! Apparently, my 'results varied'. They varied off into a world, much realer than the photo-shopped box would have lead me to believe. 

I have often wondered, who needs these patronizing instructions in their day to day lives? Today that query has been answered! In the above photo, you will notice that the gentleman/woman who was in charge of "Display Management" was a little unsure about how to hang t-shirts properly. To be fair and just we must first realize that this person already had a pretty trying day before heading off to their retail job this morning. First, this human burned the sin out of some strawberry pop tarts. After he/she put out the ensuing toaster oven fire he/she realized that their hair had been processing for FAR too long. They had flames to squelch at the time so the new doo was not a top priority thus leaving our hero with bleached eyebrows and several chemically-burned bald spots. Finally, this register jockey is off to work but not before picking up a cup of steaming hot Joe! Good thing the lid to the coffee was tightly secured! That could have been a disaster! This salesperson just couldn't get their head in the game today but it's ok. He makes me feel important, beautiful and intelligent. How would I know if I was smart or not when I have nothing to compare myself to? 

People need to know that it could be worse. You could be ugly(ier), fat(ter) and dumb(er). I am here to tell you that you are beautiful, you are important and you know how to hang t-shirts like a pro. 

Work to Live/ Live to Laugh

I am applying for jobs that I am not qualified for; that is to say, I am not qualified to scrub toilets. I have a liberal arts degree which means nothing to no one. Since I am spending so much time on useless job applications I have decided to use this opportunity as a platform for humor.

Under the "Skills" section of most applications I will now add: excellent comedic timing, beat-boxing enthusiast, epic guitar solos and great fake accents in addition to Microsoft Office.

Under the "previous employment" section: Racketeering, Boot-leg Alcohol Industry, Erotic Cakes Inc. and J.D. Power and Associates

Under the "Education" section: Rawanda's Beauty School, ECPI University-Mechatronics, Paint Your Own Pottery Class!

Under "References": Lady Diana Spencer (deceased), Jim "Hobo-Baggins" DeLau (location unknown) and Professor Snape (Hogwarts University)

Under "Languages": Spanglish, Human, Namekian and sarcastic

My cover letter will consist of the 1977 "Love Gun" album by KISS and signed by Gene Simmons

I feel like we've got a winner on our hands here.