Methanol Free

Some things in life go without saying. Imagine, if you will, a few slogans. "Public Schools: Now with Less Pedophiles!", "Hospitals: Got Drugs?" "Alabama: 30% Less Racism than 1960's Alabama!", "Milk: Made from Cows" or "Politics: Now with Transparency and Honesty". Disclaimers can be very disconcerting. Why are these updates needed in the first place? Did my public school employ sex-offenders? Can I get drugs from hospitals? You mean politics haven't always been trustworthy? Of course, these slogans are facetious but the photos that you are about to see are highly disturbing.

My husband and I purchased this bottle of Israeli anise flavored liquor. Seemingly harmless...right? Well, once we got the bottle home, we started to read the back label of this mysterious middle eastern beverage. Much to our surprise, we discovered that this alcohol is "NOW METHANOL FREE". 

The CDC's description of methanol is as follows: Methanol is a toxic alcohol that is used industrially as a solvent, pesticide and alternative fuel source. 

Ummm, am I gonna go blind? Did this apertif previously contain methanol? Can I put this liquid in the gas tank of my car? Can I use it to clean tar off the road? Can I put it in a spray bottle and kill things with it....like bugs....or humans....but probably just bugs...probably. I feel like, if you are a distiller, you shouldn't have to remind your customers that your product does not contain a PESTICIDE or INDUSTRIAL SOLVENT. But, that's just me. What do I know?

If you were wondering, we did drink this stuff and so far no blindness, dementia or death has occurred.  More testing is necessary. It's 5 o'clock somewhere. 

Justifying a Justifiable Justification

Smoking: if you smoke about 5 to 6 cigarettes a day, everyday for a year you will have spent around $1,000 to $2,000 a year. Was it worth it?

Some stupid fad supplement that you probably don't need: average cost, only $4 a day! Your health is worth $4 a day.

Now let's flip the narrative.

Smoking: Only $5 a day! Calms your nerves, allows you to meet new and interesting people and nicotine is a proven appetite suppressant. Lose weight and gain friends for a matter of a few dollars.

Some stupid fad supplement that you probably don't need: $1,500 a year for a trial that didn't work. Was it worth it?

Here's the deal. Can we stop justifying everything we do? Can we just simply do a thing without applying complex mathematics to make sure that it is worth it? These math problems were created for propaganda purposes, whether they are for good or evil. Look thru the veil and make your own educated decisions. Do some research. Money is no object. Don't get bogged down by the math and the PR/Marketing machine. Always play the devil's advocate to see if there is a scheme behind something or a pattern between two seemingly unrelated topics.

Meanwhile, I will continue to stream movies on Netflix because it's only $0.26 a day, or $7.99 a month or $96 a year...however you care to look at it, good or bad. I just really like watching movies. Isn't that enough?

Can I Be Your Familiar?

Forgive and Forget. This is something that I struggle with because, even though I can't seem to remember any of the SAT words or where I placed my keys, I can still remember everyone who owes me money and anyone who has ever wronged me.

I desperately need one of two things in my life right now, either, a vampire who can erase my memory and make me believe that I am a starting forward for the Pacers (I don't actually know what any of those words mean, I just put a bunch of sports words together so, feel free to correct me) OR that device from Men in Black that could permanently erase your memory. Either way, both methods would only be required to erase catty bullshit that women say to other women or write in text message or post on Facebook...because that's how petty I am. Hopefully, I would get a hot vampire to erase my mind or a young Will Smith to cancel those brain waves but I'm not picky.

Forgiving the repentant is easy but forgiving someone who is an asshole is another thing altogether. For this incredible feat, I would definitely require mythical or fantastical intervention. I can't do this on my own. I NEED  YOU WILL SMITH!!! I never thought I would need Will Smith so badly. Wait! What if, now stay with me here, what if, Will Smith (From MIB) were also a vampire?!!!! OMG I would be able to forget SO MUCH!!!

Ok, I will have my people get with Big Willy's people and see if he is interested in turning to the night as a permanent lifestyle choice. Then, I will become his PR person and together we will build a self-help empire based around memory loss! Or, women could just stop being bitches so that other women don't have to get their brains wiped clean from vampire, MIB, Will Smith. Do you see how confusing that could get? Seriously, just be nice to people, don't gossip and I promise you that vampire, MIB, Will Smith won't eat your brains. Jeez.

Re-branding

My mom had a good friend in the mid to late 90's who would wake up every morning to go for a 'jog' at 6 am. This man had calves of steel and was very committed to his walk-man and knee high white socks because it was the 90's, after all. I cannot remember the last time I heard the word 'jog'. Apparently, no one jogs anymore. We run.

At some point in the early 2000's 'jogging' was re-branded as 'running'. In the 90's I always envisioned 'jogging' and 'running' as two completely different entities. Jogging was a light trot, if you will, while running was going balls out, if you will. At least, these were the definitions that existed in my mind. Around this time period Tiger Woods was turning golf into front page news and Lance Armstrong made riding a bike thru France a sport that mattered. The wide, wide world of sports was expanding faster than the DVD section at Block Buster. We were starting to root for the underdog sports and the nation was gearing up for the Olympics where running, not jogging, often takes center stage...or track.

There are a few sports that could use some PR help, by way of a marketing reboot. My first submission is cricket. Here is a sport that needs to appeal to American audiences. As a nation, we like our lemonade 'Hard', our music loud and heavy and our sports Xtreme! Crickets might be the least offensive insects next to the lady bug. Jiminy Cricket immediately comes to mind. He sings, he dances and most importantly this beloved Disney arthropod wants you to be a loyal and honest mouseketeer. How about Scorpion in place of the term Cricket? Way more extreme,venomous and not featured on over-priced brick-a-brack at Disney World/Land.

Next up, softball....seriously?! First, you don't let women play baseball then you give them a 'pity' sport and call it SOFTBALL?! This is just archaic and misogynistic. Here's a suggestion, how about 'bigball' because the balls are BIGGER. DEAL WITH IT. These ladies have bigger balls...it's just science.

Finally, tennis. What does that word even mean?! When french royalty decided to create tennis, they also thought they could just make up words too. So, I am giving myself the same liberty and re-naming tennis, 'Dravex', why? I don't know. I'm French royalty and I make the rules PEASANTS!!!

The Pampered Dude

Origami Owl
31
Pampered Chef
Passion Parties

Why are there no mail order parties for guys? I think I know why and the reason is this photo. This is why I am not invited to things...because I am a "bro". I think my new necklace is probably violating Origami Owl's (terms and conditions) and probably some State and Federal obscenity laws.

I blame the person who gave me the power to write my OWN "inscriptions". I am sure that fashion designer has now learned his/her lesson.

What wonderful obscenities would you inscribe on personalized jewelry and handbags?

The Ocean Just Got It's Period (And Is Becoming a Filthy Whore)

Have you ever seen ads for keeping our ocean's clean? It's always a picture of some ocean fowl with it's neck stuck in one of those soda can 6-pack rings or a sea turtle struggling to swim through a used volley ball net. This kind of imagery doesn't really affect me. 1: Because I am a terrible person. 2: Because I am lazy and I'm not gonna go roaming through my house on a futile search for scissors to cut through those soda can rings. 3: I have A.D.D and I will probably forget about this ad within 23 seconds.

What does affect me? Swimming in the ocean, when suddenly, a used tampon string tickles my ankle as it struggles through the sea seeking the landfill, that it should have been placed in, from the start. Either, the ocean just got it's period at the ripe old age of 4 billion years old or (more likely story) some disgusting, scum of the earth, ass hole threw their used tampon into the sea and yelled, "Go back from whence ye came!!!" Forget about all the genocide that goes on in the world. All military forces should unite in finding this sub-human and exterminating them with extreme prejudice.

If save the ocean ads showed pictures of beautiful Rio de Janeiro, Copacabana Beach, Miami Beach, the French Riviera, the Hawaiian Islands all inundated with used tampons, condoms and underwear I have no doubt that the oceans, rivers and lakes of the world would be cleaned up within a matter of months. These are the real terrorists, people. Disgusting ass holes, on their periods.