Showing posts with label Vampires. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Vampires. Show all posts

Monday, October 10, 2016

What Really Goes Bump in the Night


The myth of the vampire is fascinating to me because in modern day culture this stoic fiend is seen as some sort of benevolent god type figure. He has the power to destroy but chooses to sit idle while wrestling with his own demons, humanity or lack thereof. He falls in love, he denounces his true nature and would rather die than take the life of an innocent in order to sustain his already long life.

I take issue with this narrative because this is a figure who has lived for centuries and it would be nearly impossible for him to remain pure or even have feelings left, at all. Put aside the blood lust, the night stalking, transmogrification and lack of reflection and we find a human; a human being who can't die but is forced to roam the earth for eternity with no one who can understand him on any level. Centuries of intelligence are at his fingertips but often that sagacity is unchecked and lonely.

Now imagine an old man. The senior citizen who yells at kids, thru his denture filled mouth, to get off his lawn, Someone who is somewhat of a recluse. The news angers him, music angers him and most of all people anger him. Of course, we are all familiar with the "sweet little old lady" type figure but remember this is the very same "sweet little old lady" who probably uses the 'N' word and has no problem telling you the cold hard truth to your face but she knits and bakes cookies so I guess that makes up for the racism and unsolicited advice, right? Take a look at your own life, for instance. At age 8 you couldn't keep from crying as your only pet goldfish surfed his last wave to the big toilet in the sky. Now, at age 38, you can barely muster a tear at a grandparents' funeral. Are you evil? Or have you just lived long enough to realize that the tears don't matter? The flood of salty water flowing so freely from your eyes can't stop death. It is inevitable. The cycle continues. The only difference is that now you see the spiral completely. A cold, black, unblinking, bird's eye view of life.

It stands to reason that anyone, left to their own devices for centuries, would end up (by our modern, human, standards) evil. How can you watch the same mistakes being made over and over again throughout time and country and not become jaded, not view humanity as cattle? What would any of it matter to you? Oh sure, you've tried to warn mankind of their doom but that was 200 years ago, and did anyone listen to you? No, they threw stones at you and called you monster. But who is the real monster? Perhaps, it is the ones who have no memory. Who won't live long enough to remember. Sure, they don't suck blood but how many have they killed and for what reasons? Stalin, Hitler, Mao Zedong, Trump, what does it matter?  They will never see the error of their ways because they don't know that an error was ever made. But you, you everlasting demon, you remember, don't you? You remember the revolutions, the fear, the hate and in a few years or centuries (perhaps? hopefully?) you will see it all again, as if, for the first time. No remorse from those who perpetrated these events because they have no memory of their ill deeds. Those were 'others' from another time, or another place. I," I "would never uphold such values as hatred, fear mongering and bigotry! However, you, oh tireless Nosferatu, know my lies. You know the outcome, don't you? Humanity hides it's ugly deeds under the veil of religion or freedom all while you hide your blood lust under cover of darkness. Are we so different? You and I? I'm not so sure anymore. The lines have become blurred.

But, there is a difference, isn't there? I am human. I lie but I also believe my lies. You are legend. You lie but you are smart enough, evil enough, not to believe your own lies. You know exactly what you are and yet are powerless to change. I don't know what I am but I am powerFUL to change...and yet, I don't choose to change. Now, I ask you again, who is the true monster here?


Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Xtreme Vacationing (Transylvania Edition)


Relaxation is not something that I am good at. Wait, let me take that back. I am amazing at relaxation. Netflix is my bitch. My couch is a trusty steed. Cookie scented Yankee Candles are all up in this! However, when it comes to vacations I just forget how to chill.

I am not capable of just going to a Sandals resort or sailing the Caribbean on a cruise like normal people. I see vacations as some kind of a challenge. Vacations are my adventures. Every single vacation has to involve vomiting (at least once) some sort of misery mobile i.e. murder bus, death train thru the desert, hell metro, etc. My leisure time should also include extreme spots with minor injuries, narrowly escaping a shanking and usually witnessing some sort of prostitution or obscene public act.

Holidays are for spas, family time and mild sight seeing. My holiday is for throwing up in a Romanian night club, heat stroke, ingesting "medications", living in squalor at hostels and befriending Russian punks.

Extended breaks leave me exhausted, penniless and hungover. Yet, I would happily hop back on the murder bus and do it all over again. I don't know what exactly is wrong with me but if I did I don't think I would want to fix it.

I have uploaded two short videos (for your amusement) that perfectly showcase the antithesis of relaxation. Hiking up mystery mountain in Transylvania....I'm pretty sure that last phrase was a tagline to some B level horror movie.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zI08WywgXiE



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNlr4VNtfoY



Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Can I Be Your Familiar?


Forgive and Forget. This is something that I struggle with because, even though I can't seem to remember any of the SAT words or where I placed my keys, I can still remember everyone who owes me money and anyone who has ever wronged me.

I desperately need one of two things in my life right now, either, a vampire who can erase my memory and make me believe that I am a starting forward for the Pacers (I don't actually know what any of those words mean, I just put a bunch of sports words together so, feel free to correct me) OR that device from Men in Black that could permanently erase your memory. Either way, both methods would only be required to erase catty bullshit that women say to other women or write in text message or post on Facebook...because that's how petty I am. Hopefully, I would get a hot vampire to erase my mind or a young Will Smith to cancel those brain waves but I'm not picky.

Forgiving the repentant is easy but forgiving someone who is an asshole is another thing altogether. For this incredible feat, I would definitely require mythical or fantastical intervention. I can't do this on my own. I NEED  YOU WILL SMITH!!! I never thought I would need Will Smith so badly. Wait! What if, now stay with me here, what if, Will Smith (From MIB) were also a vampire?!!!! OMG I would be able to forget SO MUCH!!!

Ok, I will have my people get with Big Willy's people and see if he is interested in turning to the night as a permanent lifestyle choice. Then, I will become his PR person and together we will build a self-help empire based around memory loss! Or, women could just stop being bitches so that other women don't have to get their brains wiped clean from vampire, MIB, Will Smith. Do you see how confusing that could get? Seriously, just be nice to people, don't gossip and I promise you that vampire, MIB, Will Smith won't eat your brains. Jeez.



Tuesday, May 26, 2015

That's After My Time


Sometimes people...young people will make a statement in reference to pop culture that they are unfamiliar with. The statement goes as such, "I've never heard that (song), it was before my time."

I recently found out that I am old because I just used the term "young people" in a sentence...get off my lawn you hooligans!!! Sorry, got distracted. Old person problem.

Anyways, as I was saying, this broad statement is incredibly annoying. It means one of two things: 1 you are uneducated or 2: You simple don't know every song ever created by man because there are MILLIONS of them. You would have to be a sparkling vampire to even scratch the surface of pop culture in America and it is OK to admit that you simply don't know something AND that you are mortal and NOT a sparkly vampire.

Telling people that something is "before your time" therefore, you have no clue about the subject, makes no sense.

Here are some examples of things/people that were "before MY time" and yet, I am still well aware of their existence.

1: The Beatles
2: The Rolling Stones
3: KISS
4: George Washington
5: Dallas (the TV show)
6: The Louisiana Purchase
7: Captain Kangaroo
8: Disco
9: Atari game systems
10: Bob Dylan

Listen (or read) how stupid this sentence sounds, "The Louisiana Purchase? I don't know, I guess that was just before my time." Stupid, that sounds really stupid. This (young) person should have said, "Hmm, I am unfamiliar with that part of American history." Not stupid, that sounds really not stupid. (However, that last sentence was EXTREMELY stupid).

So many things were before my time, some things are during my time and an infinite amount of things will be after my time.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Going Vrogue

Photobucket

It has recently been brought to my attention that the two best-selling books, right now, are Sarah Palin's Going Rogue and Stephanie Meyer's Twilight saga. The Twilight saga has garnered much attention and the spin-offs are in abundance. Bookstores are now carrying anything that is vampire related. HEB carries a vampire wine and, worst of all, teenagers now believe that all their pent up angst, hostilities and sexual frustations will now pay off in either a major book deal or motion picture.

 Vampires are nothing new and teeny-bopper love affairs are even older, (Romeo and Juliet, Samson and Delilah anyone?). But, put the two together and you have a blood sucking, estrogen filled, money spending fourteen year old on your hands. I can't say that I BlAME Stephanie Meyer, she must love money and  she produced a blood soaked book that can deliver the bucks. I also love money and would jump at the chance to take advantage of middle school girls' parents; who are willing to buy anything that might induce a smile from their little princesses' tortured goth soul. Stephanie Meyer decided on the theme of money, in order to make money. What fictitious demographic is always wealthy? Vampires. Vampires are always wealthy. They are wealthy because they have been given an unholy eternity to roam the night, aquire antiques and learn sexy foreign languages. I, on the other hand, if given an eternity of youth and black lipstick, would spend my time mastering the art of channel surfing, collecting cheap airport novels and playing catch up on season 1 of True Blood. So, am I the only lazy vampire here? Why are all vampires so damn pro-active about life...er...death...er, dammit.

This is the issue that I will tackle in my new novel Going Vrogue. "Vick Von Fangson (try saying that ten times fast) was a 1980's business mogul, pro-golfer and loving father of three. Vick's life was spent between Reganomics, 9 irons and soccer practice. This family man was being stretched in three different directions and sometimes he wished he was dead just so he could catch a break! Luckily for Vick, death turned out to be his lucky day! Now that Vick is officially a member of the Undead Society he has all the time in the world to just sit back, watch a little golf and relax, right? Not if VAMP (Vampires Against Moratory Persons) has anything to say about it. Oh and did I mention, VAMP's party leader Sarah ImPalin really has it in for the undead world's newest and laziest vampire Vick...and to make matters worse, he's a democrat." If you liked Going Rogue and the Twilight saga get ready for the wildest, blood sucking, Republican ride of your life! Vick Von Fangson will have you laughing and wishing you had spent your formidable years watching re-runs of The Golden Girls instead of learning French and piano like all those other boring vampires. Look out GOP because here comes the laziest vampire of all time!