Mythical Questions

Do mermaids lay a clutch of eggs or have live births? Do holistic mermaids give 'land births' instead of our 'water births'? Do they travel in schools, pods or are they lone sharks...(HA!)

Do unicorns literally destroy the mother or 'host' unicorn upon birth thus keeping the overall unicorn population down to a manageable number?

If you had a tiny pet dragon would you keep it in a bird cage or reptile terrarium? If you kept it in the bird cage do you think you could teach it to say, "Polly wants a cracker"?

Subsequently, does a Pegasus respond to bird calls? Do they build giant Pegasus sized nests for their young?

Many breeds of dogs have their ears or tails clipped in order to be a better physical representation of the breed, does the same apply to elves? Is there an elf plastic surgeon out there clipping all baby elves' ears when they are born? Dr. Galadriel?


Once again I ask the real (mythical) questions, so you don't have to.

The Meme of Dr. Moreau

Recently, I was inspired by llamacorn to make a more insidious chimera of my own design. Meet camelsus, part pegasus, part camel and 100% awful. He flies thru the air groaning like a Kirstie Alley in heat and spitting on everything in sight from high in the sky. 

Notice how shitty this image looks. I own Photoshop but my computer has so much crap on it that if I were to actually upload Photoshop the laptop might explode. Therefore, I had to use an image hosting site to create this blasphemy. You're welcome internet. I think Dr. Moreau would be proud of both camelsus and llamacorn but I'm sure that PETA would have complaints about both mythical beasts. Just let me play God!!! I want my camelsus!!!!

If you could play God, Shiva, Allah, Christ, the Goat God Pan...it's your choice of deity here, what abomination would you create and why?

Regicide

The long reign of Prince Regent Il Topo Primo has finally come to an end. No thanks to pest control or Spike Jonez (The cacti). Years ago, in a galaxy far far away (also known as 'college') a young woman asked her future spouse, "When are you going to kill for me?". I believe we were watching Breaking Bad or something equally violent and one of the main characters murdered someone in a fit of vengeance on behalf of his wife. If my memory serves me correctly Andrew answered by saying, "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

Last night we discovered our house mouse scurrying about in our utility closet and I spotted him as he ran up into the vacuum tube. Andrew banged the vacuum against the wall and nothing happened. I suggested we turn the vacuum on. This suggestion was met with disbelief and horror towards my lack of maternity. Finally, we plopped the small vacuum into our Fire House Subs bucket and Il Topo soon reappeared and was instantly trapped inside the bucket.

Unfortunately, we couldn't just release our little house guest into the wild because I knew that he would eventually return to our apartment or that of another. We had to kill...
Addendum. My husband had to kill...

He finally killed for me!!! I feel like our relationship is reaching new heights!!! Andrew was not as excited about his assassination attempt. He was forced to fill the bucket with water and allow the pest to run out of energy swimming and eventually drown. I think it took about ten minutes total.

What have I learned from all this? THAT MICE/RATS DON'T FART!!!!!!! We had to research how to kill this thing and the internet told us to feed it baking soda because the bicarbonate reacts with the mouse's stomach acid to create gas. These rodents cannot pass gas and therefore, their intestines balloon up and explode! This fact was corroborated by multiple pest control services. (Thanks Heisenberg) Drowning seemed more humane than gut explosion.  However, next time I will use the baking soda and be sure to have Michael Bay on speed dial to film it. Speed dial?! Seriously?! That doesn't even exist anymore?! I am sooo old! Damnit!

I am glad the prince's reign is finally over but Andrew felt bad about his first cold blooded kill. So, we had to 'pour one for our homies'. This shot of Jack is for you little guy...may you never return.

Arts and Crafts Death Machine

A few months ago this couple turned into a little family when we bought a cactus. Not really, the cactus doesn't really pull it's weight around here to be considered a contributing family member but at least it is low maintenance. We named our cactus Spike Jones...get it???!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ironically, Spike Jones (the desert plant) is terrible at directing/producing iconic rap music videos. Perhaps I am a too demanding succulent mother. Our REAL new family member is Prince Regent Il Topo Primo. I won't bother you with Google translate because I know that you are a buisy workin' girl so here it is: Il Topo Primo = The First Mouse.

We have had a mouse in our house (apparently, we are also living in a Mother Goose rhyme) for about 3 months now. We had pest control come out and all they did was put down pieces of cardboard with glue all over the top. Needless to say, this hair-brained idea did not claim the lives of any mice but it did inflict much violence on several pairs of shoes, my Tom's R.I.P.

Recently, my husband and I (notice that lazy cactus NOT helping, I'm looking at YOU Spike Jones) took matters into our own hands. I am terrible at arts and crafts but I think that's because there is not normally an element of death in mod podge and glitter.

The internet told us to fill a bucket with water, then place a can on a wire covered in peanut butter and put some kind of a ladder leading up to the can with the peanut butter. The idea is that the mouse will run up to the can covered in PB and then the can will rotate on the wire until the mouse falls into the water filled bucket and then expires. We did not have all of the proper accouterments for our death machine so we had to improvise. Below, you will see an Adventure Time Marcelline guitar that I made several years ago for my Halloween costume that acts as the 'ladder', a Fire House Subs bucket, a mutilated wire hanger that was used as the 'wire' and coke bottle cut in half.

Next, my husband added the peanut butter.

When people see this arts and crafts death machine in my home, I realize that I look insane. I could just get a cat but then I would have to own a cat...dumb. I might get a boa constrictor if this doesn't work but then I would have a boa constrictor problem and I am not 'Florida Man'.

How do you guys get rid of mice? Please tell me because my death machine isn't producing as much death as hoped and I am tired of our little guest who doesn't even pay rent.

Cat Infestation (Part Deux)

These lazy, asshole, freeloading cats!!! A few days ago I saw a mouse scurry across my living room floor. I have never had a mouse in any of my homes, over the years. A bug or roach, here or there, I used to live in south Texas and the bugs there are pretty much inescapable, but NEVER a mouse!

I tried using a trap and so far, that has not worked. I tried calling maintenance but that was four days ago and no one has showed up yet. My next move will be to grab one of those mangy cats, that hang around my front door, bring said cat into my house and just hope for the best.

How can we have so many cats around here and yet they can't even keep the mice population down?! Because the residents here keep feeding them Fancy Feast like they are pets! They are not pets! Don't adopt them! I would rather adopt a homeless guy than one of these stupid cats because at least I could get that homeless guy to wash my car in exchange for a Big Mac. I could even reason with an insane homeless man better than I could with a cat. Heck, the homeless man would probably keep the rat population down better than these dumb cats. I would much prefer to adopt a drunk, insane, drifter to any of these cats. I would name my homeless man Mittens because of those adorable, finger-less gloves he always wears. I would take him on walks. He would threaten to shiv anyone who might attack me and I would give him all the Big Macs that his little heart desired!

Sometimes I think we treat our pets better than we treat most humans. Freedom isn't free, cats. Kill a mouse and earn that damn Fancy Feast.

Cat Infestation

I can't say that I have ever suffered from any kind of "infestation" before. Once, when I was in college, I did have a short-term hippy infestation but that issue resolved itself once I ran out of food and we were all forced to venture out into the wild and forage for chicken McNuggets.

My current apartment is riddled with the demon spawn known to many as "cats". What disturbs me is that if I had a rat infestation I could poison them, guillotine them, smash them with a boot, gas them or chemically neuter them. Why can't I just use one of these methods with all these mangy, disease ridden cats? Oh right, cats are peoples' pets. So are rats or mice. Rats/mice also help cure diseases in medical studies. If you ask me, rats are awesome and seem to being pulling their weight. Cats, on the other hand, are lazy pieces of crap, they don't cure diseases, they only spread them and they probably killed the dinosaurs...probably. Have I mentioned I hate cats?

I went on a run tonight and one of "Satan's minions" jumped a fence and started chasing me. This cat was missing half of its fur and probably had rabies (zombie virus). Am I blowing this out of proportion? Probably. Should I be prepared for the "Zombie Cat Apocalypse"? Definitely.

This cat epidemic has gone too far. Someone is going to get hurt. It's us or them. It's a cat eat cat world. Every cat has it's day. These cats are running out of lives. All cats go to hell. These cats are a devils best friend. Give a cat a pitchfork. Could I come up with more terrible dog/cat puns? Yes. Will I? No. Why? Because you managed to read this far and I feel like we are friends now and friends don't torture friends with awful puns.

In the meantime someone needs to invent a "Cat-Away Spray". Oh wait that already exists. It's called Holy Water.