These Colors Don't Run

Right after the Paris bombings many of us on social media turned our profile pictures into an Eiffel Tower or French slogan to show our support and solidarity with the French people. Soon afterwards, peoples of differing African nations and Middle Eastern countries cried out. Why not change the colors of your online avatar to those of the Afghani flag? Or the Sudanese flag? These are but a few examples of countries that face national atrocities and horrors on an almost daily basis and these occurrences are but a blip on western news. No one would light up the White House with the colors of the Nigerian flag or cover British Parliament in an Algerian banner. The bottom line is this. Westerners have turned a somewhat blind eye to the terrors of Africa. Be honest with yourself. We all do it. The horrors are sadly just too numerous and the issues that cause these problems can't all be solved with money or Doctors Without Borders. These issues are multi-faceted, some even ancient, political, religious, cultural and on and on and on. Because of this we choose to look in the other direction and to not dwell on such sadness. For good, evil or some weird grey area in between this is the way of the western news system and society itself.

Today my husband asked me if I had read the news stories about the shooting in Orlando or the rapist from Stanford University. I shrugged my shoulders and said,"I saw those headlines but I didn't read the stories". In that moment I realized that I didn't bother to actually read about those awful stories for the same reasons that I choose not to go any further than a headline into any of the awful situations in Africa or the Middle East...because the situations are just too numerous. Without knowing it, my mind has subconsciously placed America in with Africa and Atrocities. Obviously America is still safer and more stable than almost any African nation but I'm not sure anyone would glean that from the news headlines. There are shootings, seemingly, every day in the U.S., rapes, robberies, hate crimes, preposterous political campaigns, corruption, extreme wealth disparity and severe lack of charity. Has it gotten this bad?  So bad that when I read about a shooting in the news I just gloss over it as yet another American shooting? Yet another bombing in Africa? Who can keep up with this?

Perhaps it's time to get out of our comfortable suburban bubbles and talk with those that are different from us. Make a friend who is at a different economic level (up or down) from yourself. Talk to a Muslim. Befriend people of differing ethnicities, gender or sexual preference from yourself. Why? Because it's easy to hate a stranger. It's impossible to hate a friend. Get past the headline, make a friend and maybe the stories will begin to change.

Captain Hindsight

Please learn from my mistakes. Lying comes very easy to me unless I am put on the spot. I need time to prepare, to get into character, to discover my motivation and research my backstory. Perhaps, this stems from my early childhood when I took acting classes or because I just watch way too much TV however; this is all immaterial. When put on the spot I can't lie worth a damn. Here is a sampling of me on the spot given no preparation:

Police Officer: "What is your name"
Me: "PURPLE!"
PO: "Last name?"
Me:"THAT'S RACIST!"
PO:"Ma'am can you please step out of the vehicle"
Me:"I SUFFER FROM A RARE CONDITION THAT CAUSES ME TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND ALSO MY LEGS DON'T WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!"
PO:(Starts reading me my Miranda rights)
(end scene)

I tell you this so that you can be better prepared in awkward or law infringing situations.

A few days ago I was out on a run when a young man approached me and said something to me but I couldn't hear so, I took out my earbuds and he repeated himself, "Hi, I need to practice my massage skills would you like a foot rub, so that I can practice?" Me, "(Open mouth, head thrown back, ugly laughter) No thanks, I'm in the middle of my workout but nice try dude." Random guy, yet again proceeds to follow me and asks, "How about after your run?" Me, "(more laughter) No man, I'm way to busy, adios."

In hindsight, this is how I should have reacted. Random stranger, "Hi, I need to practice my massage skills would you like a foot rub, so that I can practice?" Me, "HELL YES I WOULD!!!!" Then I promptly kick off my tennis shoes to reveal my blistered stinky feet and plop my butt down in the middle of the road right where I was standing, next to the chain link fence and dumpster. Being faced with the reality of my feet and creeped out passerbyers  my (cough) assailant quickly leaves the premises."Terrible try dude, terrible try."
(end scene)

I call this play, "The Creepening" study it, learn it, call all bluffs...and then maybe contact the authorities but hopefully the authorities won't send that same cop who you told, "I SUFFER FROM A RARE CONDITION THAT CAUSES ME TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND ALSO MY LEGS DON'T WORK!!!!!!!"

Strong Weather Friends (Quick Tips on Finding Your Halloween Bestie)

We all have friends...some fair weather and some hurricane weather level friends. You can't be best friends with everyone, there just aren't enough hours in the day to devote to such an intense relationship and you are  not Oprah. If you are Oprah and you are reading this right now then I would just like to say, thanks for being my best friend Oprah, I don't know how you put up with me!

This Halloween season (the most magical season of them all! Back off Christmas! I will cut you!), there are a few things to look out for when choosing your best friend and these tips will help you on your journey to bestfriendom.

If you walk into a Halloween party and no one understands your costume and you are constantly having to explain it to everyone in the room...you need to leave that party IMMEDIATELY. These people are not cool enough to be your friends. So what if you dressed as Dr. Girlfriend from the Venture Brothers from season 5 episode 8, that's not obscure, that is dope as hell and these people are just not on your cosplay level.

Diligently search out the one who hates what you love. And by this, I mean, if you love gummy candies then find someone who hates gummy candies. Real friendship is born of things that truly matter like virtue, strength, comradery and the ability to stay the FUCK away from my precious Haribo Bears!

Be on the look out for a partner in crime. Halloween can be mischievous and your neighbors house isn't going to tee pee itself. You need a reliable battle buddy, preferably someone with a strong right arm because flingin' toilet paper is harder than it looks.

Through thick and thin we are kin! Having fun, drinking, tee peeing houses and going to parties is great but who will be there for you in the morning? The dreaded day AFTER Halloween? This is the real test. The friend who stayed up till 4am with you just to watch horror movies or commit minor crimes or helped you into your Dr. Girlfriend costume and stayed thru it all till the dawn. They helped you clean up a sea of red solo cups off your living room floor, pulled chewing gum out of your hair (how it got there is a mystery for the ages), threw away the detritus of smashed pumpkins and with a smile on their face. Till next year best friend. You have truly weathered the storm of ultimate friendship.

Drugs Are Expensive

Cross fit gyms cost on average twice the monthly rate that a normal people gym does...whay?! It's just an industrial building with no heat or AC, no pool, no basketball courts or personal trainers and no employees. It's just a bunch of tetanus covered refuse found in a junk yard and then thrown into a warehouse. Here ya go! Here's an old tire, lift it. Here are some heavy frayed ropes, shake them. Here are some bricks, also lift them. Now, give us $125. Also, we don't have towels or water. Thank you, come again!

I'm thinking about opening up my own Cross fit gym in the old abandoned Albertson's grocery store by my parents house. Overhead seems pretty low.

Rent= free, cuz I straight stole the place
Employees= also straight free because I either don't need any OR I will start hiring the hobos who already live in the Albertsons's
Utilities= None, bring your own shit! What? Does this LOOK like a Gold's Gym to you?
Machines/Exercise Equipment= Luckily, Albertsons left some of their crap behind so people can just lift old refrigerators, push deep freezers around and toss dilapidated cash registers back and forth

What will THIS Cross fit gym offer that others can't? You ask? Mostly drugs. Many other exercise facilities would frown upon steroid use and other performance enhancing drugs. Here at Albertson's Cross Fit we still have a "somewhat" stocked pharmacy and plenty of lock cutters. Our homeless employees will be your personal pushers of fitness glory!

I foresee this gym ending in a "Breaking Bad" type scenario but not before Albertson's sues over defamation of character. Maybe this is exactly why all other Cross fit gyms are so expensive? They need to pay off the feds, be able to afford great defense attorneys and obviously, buy drugs. Drugs are expensive.

Navient A.K.A Mephistopheles (He Who Avoids the Light) and the Battle for my Student Loans

I am in a very weird situation. The situation is good financial standing. I'm quite sure that this won't last for long. The spell will probably end at midnight and my car will turn into a pair of mismatched Old Navy flip flops but for now I am the bell of the ball!

Don't worry, I am being responsible, no jets, no Dom Perignon, just student loans, paying on my student loans. As many of you know, Sallie Mae has transformed into an even more sinister entity known as Navient.

With my extra cash, I went online and tried to put some additional money on my loans, that are handled by Navient (aka the Dark Lord). Long story short, the Navient (He who shall not be named) website was malfunctioning. You would think that they could use my $54,000 towards an IT department but, I digress. I called customer service. Pro-tip. If you want to speak to a human there is a great website called http://gethuman.com/ but if that doesn't work then just scream the words FUCK YOU into your phone at the recorded menu...someone will redirect your call so that you can yell FUCK YOU to a real live human! It's fun!

Next, I spoke to a nice Indian woman who just took my funds over the phone since neither of us could figure out what the website problem was or how to fix it. My representative then proceeds to tell me (And this is where I lost my mind), "Ok, your payment has gone through and I have waved the $14 phone processing fee since you were having technical issues with our online site." This company was going to charge me money in order to take my money? That's the inception of getting fucked! This company already has all my bank account information because my payments are automatic. In this instance I was trying to give (the Devil) MORE money than my automated monthly payments. At least the call was recorded so that someone will hear my rage...probably not do anything about it but at least SOMEONE, other than me, will suffer my wrath.

A business that already has all my bank account and credit card information has chosen to use Western Union. I didn't even know that company still existed. My money is currently traveling along the Orient Express and then will ride on the Pony Express to it's Manifest Destiny. I can only imagine the banker who is handling this transaction is sporting a monocle and handlebar mustache. I hope this banker picks up some kick-ass spices on the Silk Road as he journeys to the Navient headquarters on the shore of the River Styx.

Also, if you look closely at this photo you can just tell how dumb I am because the other tab that is open in this photo is titled, "how to take a screenshot". At least, through this infuriating situation, I finally learned how to take a screenshot; next I will be tackling emojis and text messaging. It's as if I just missed the '90's. I'm just now getting caught up. What is this "AIM" that all the kids are talking about?

What is the lesson here? If you sign your name to student loans with Navient, you have just made an actual deal with the devil and you might learn how to play the guitar or fiddle but won't have a soul anymore. Navient (Beelzebub) has your soul and a $14 processing fee...needed to take your soul via Western Union.

LAPD Purgatory

Where do we go when we die? Were you a bad person, like not returning your shopping cart bad or supreme leader/evil dictator bad? Were you a good person, like lending books to people when you know that they will NEVER return them to you type good or like Saint Mother Theresa type good? Maybe you will go to heaven. Maybe you will go into the hellscape of a Bosch painting. I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life but I will tell you how I would like mine to end.

For some morbid reason, I have given death a lot of thought. Should I be cremated? Buried? Should my body be used for science or fodder for a future tree. Last night I realized that I want my remaining body or body parts, whatever is left really, to be turned into a Robocop. I will try to put this into my will but I need to find an attorney who has experience with Robo-Law. If I become paralyzed, Robocop. If I need life support to survive, Robocop. If my body simply won't make it and death is the only other option, Robocop.

My husband said that he will leave me if I am turned into a Robocop. That's fine because after my transformation I will bury myself in my police work and other Robo-activities such as, TALKING IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS WITH NO DISCERNIBLE EMOTION, INTONATION OR ACCENT, cleaning my gun while hanging upside down from a door frame and also I am blindfolded for some reason, walking without swinging my arms, oiling all my Robo-joints, playing fetch with my new Robo police dog that was specially designed by the K9 unit of the police department. The dog's name will be Terabyte.

My new Robo-body will offer me eternal life and, in return, the people of Los Angeles will receive an eternity of prodigious justice. I won't need a funeral or memorial service. Instead, I will be issued a Glock 17, a badge and extreme authority. Detective RoboDonna is reporting for duty.

Regicide

The long reign of Prince Regent Il Topo Primo has finally come to an end. No thanks to pest control or Spike Jonez (The cacti). Years ago, in a galaxy far far away (also known as 'college') a young woman asked her future spouse, "When are you going to kill for me?". I believe we were watching Breaking Bad or something equally violent and one of the main characters murdered someone in a fit of vengeance on behalf of his wife. If my memory serves me correctly Andrew answered by saying, "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

Last night we discovered our house mouse scurrying about in our utility closet and I spotted him as he ran up into the vacuum tube. Andrew banged the vacuum against the wall and nothing happened. I suggested we turn the vacuum on. This suggestion was met with disbelief and horror towards my lack of maternity. Finally, we plopped the small vacuum into our Fire House Subs bucket and Il Topo soon reappeared and was instantly trapped inside the bucket.

Unfortunately, we couldn't just release our little house guest into the wild because I knew that he would eventually return to our apartment or that of another. We had to kill...
Addendum. My husband had to kill...

He finally killed for me!!! I feel like our relationship is reaching new heights!!! Andrew was not as excited about his assassination attempt. He was forced to fill the bucket with water and allow the pest to run out of energy swimming and eventually drown. I think it took about ten minutes total.

What have I learned from all this? THAT MICE/RATS DON'T FART!!!!!!! We had to research how to kill this thing and the internet told us to feed it baking soda because the bicarbonate reacts with the mouse's stomach acid to create gas. These rodents cannot pass gas and therefore, their intestines balloon up and explode! This fact was corroborated by multiple pest control services. (Thanks Heisenberg) Drowning seemed more humane than gut explosion.  However, next time I will use the baking soda and be sure to have Michael Bay on speed dial to film it. Speed dial?! Seriously?! That doesn't even exist anymore?! I am sooo old! Damnit!

I am glad the prince's reign is finally over but Andrew felt bad about his first cold blooded kill. So, we had to 'pour one for our homies'. This shot of Jack is for you little guy...may you never return.

Do You KNOW Who You're F*cking With?!

On a recent trip to Florence I purchased, what is probably, a very overpriced leather motorcycle jacket. I am quite confident that my Italian leather coat was probably made by a Chinaman but an Italian guy stole it from the Chinaman thus making it Italian leather. Just watch the movie Gomorrah and you will see that I am right, per ususal.

The sales pitch is what really sold me on this jacket, though. First of all, the guy puts the coat on me and zips it for me, all old timey/gentlemanly like. He then shows me different ways in which I could wear this piece. Possibly, I could roll up the sleeves or I could zip it ALL the way up, All the way down, half-way zipped or (and this is where it gets crazy) zipped all the way up and with a scarf for the cold!!! This coat even comes with two zippers, that's TWO, DUE, DOS, 2, II ZIPPERS!!!! This master of merchants tells me that the first zipper is for when you are skinny and the second zipper is for when you are fat or "Before lunch, after lunch". Then, he starts to make some pretty bold claims. This guy tells me that my new coat is water proof AND fire proof! He takes out a lighter (like a f*cking ninja) and purposefully tries to set the jacket ON FIRE, thus proving the coat's insusceptibility to extreme heat. I replied thusly, "Great! This will come in handy during all the blazing infernos that I find myself in!!!!" My humor fell on deaf ears.

Here is the deal. If you are going to lie to me, LIE to me. Here are some lies that I would have preferred.

Salesman:

"Do you see these markings? Those are ancient runes that will provide a magical spell of protection over all who wear this jacket...it's also on sale."

"Have you ever heard of Joseph and the Technicolor dream coat? Well, this. is. that. coat."

"It's made out of dragon scales."

"The lining is not silk like most leather goods but mithril that was forged in Mount Doom."

"Do you watch the show, Sons of Anarchy?!"

"Ha! Neither do I!"

"Cops use this same material to deflect bullets."

"The ballistic capabilities of this coat are, as yet, untested. But, I'm pretty sure it could withstand a nuclear blast and the fall-out of the ensuring nuclear winter to follow."

"All who wear this mantel shall possess the power of Thor and rule 1,000 years (unchallenged) in Asgard."

"Last week, Lemmy, from Motorhead, came into the store and tried on this EXACT moto-jacket but he said, and I'm quoting him here, 'It's just TOO badass'."

Me:

"Do you KNOW who you're f*cking with?"

Post by The LAD Bible.

Caption Contest

This photo is courtesy of Anna Reichow. Her son found this Ferrari police car, here in Naples, and was VERY disappointed when, upon further inspection, he realized that the car was not a Corvette like his dad's car.

This photo is SCREAMING for a caption. I will be giving a $5 gift card (to an establishment of the winner's choosing) to whomever can come up with the best caption for this pic! Let's TRY to keep it clean. Why?! Because it's a picture of a kid, you fuckers! Also, if you do have a naughty caption just send it to me in a private message because I enjoy humor and someone told me that you are hilarious.

The winner will be announced at the rooster's crow of August 16th, in the year of our Lord, 2014.

Good luck/ Buona fortuna!

Straight to Torrent

I recently watched a "film" on Netflix entitled Solomon Kane. This movie was awesome in the same sense that Alien Vs. Predator was awesome. You won't learn anything, grow as a human being or be inspired by the artistry of cinema but dammit if you aren't gonna see a leathery pirate beat the shit outta some demons!

Solomon Kane is a B movie but what is a B movie? How do such films come to B? (pun intended) Who is the target audience for shitty movies? I want to know what the studio pitch for this film was. "Ok guys, let's get someone who kinda looks like Hugh Jackman but doesn't cost what Hugh Jackman costs and then let's get him to fight some demons in 15th century England and oh yeah, well we blew the budget on the Hugh Jackman look alike so let's just throw some video game level CGI over the whole thing? Sound good?" Clearly, the studio KNOWS this movie is going straight to video/DVD/Netflix, right? Netflix is riddled with "films" I have never heard of and yet some asshole out there is giving them all 5 star ratings. I think the studio execs who produce this fodder are just trolling Netflix and giving their "films" excellent ratings.

I just don't understand how these movies make money? Video stores don't exist anymore. Nobody buys movies anymore and Netflix and Hulu are both super cheap. I think the next step is to skip the "straight to video" and instead just go straight to Torrent. The B movie industry might just B a huge money laundering scheme.

A Family Place

I work at a music store and people are always thanking us for being a "family place" run by a "family". It is confusing to me that the word 'family' has become synonymous with the words wholesome and trustworthy.

 This leads me to believe that the words 'single' or 'couple' must be synonymous with untrustworthy and a-morality. It is as if no family has ever committed a crime? Um, I can think of a few namely Cosa Nostra, the Yukuza, the Rosenbergs, American polygamist cults, the Oneida cult. Come to think of it, I now feel less safe at a "family" establishment because families will die for each other and a secret. People who aren't related will rat each other out.

I think I will continue to live my untrustworthy and amoral life style...seems safer.

Crime Doesn't Sleep...ever?

When I was a kid Wal-Mart was not a 24 hour store. Well, a few of them were but they were the 'ghetto' ones that you didn't bring your family to. Something about staying open after the hour of 10pm will turn your store into a crime scene...or a pumpkin. This isn't just Wal-Marts either. This rule also applies to Seven-Elevens, McDonald's parking lots and adult video stores. Bars need not apply because there is alcohol involved, which can turn anyone 'ghetto' at any hour of the day...trust me; I'm an unemployed, childless housewife who loves red wine. It's five o'clock somewhere right? Anyways, I just don't understand this? It's like only people who should be on the TV show Maury shop after hours? Doctors work odd hours of the night too and so do pilots and community college adjucnt professors. All reputable professions although the jury is still out on the latter. Don't these upstanding citizens require a 50 piece chicken mcnugget from McDonald's at 1 in the morning after a long shift? Or, what about buying NASCAR themed twin-bed sheets at 3am just because you can? And, let's be honest here, everybody watches porn. That's right, your doctor watches porn; your Southwest airlines pilot watches porn (hopefully, not while on duty)and some community college professors show things to their class that is far more disturbing than porn.

Maybe all these people have assistants that go to after-hours stores for them so that we (the ghetto people) never see them outside of their professions. Or maybe the real 'go-getters' of society are criminals. Working till the wee hours of the morning; honing their craft. I mean, those drugs aren't going to sell themselves now are they? Either way, I am going to continue shopping at Wal-Mart and getting gas at 2 am and not because I'm 'ghetto' but because I am a go-getter! Someone has to show all those Doctors and police officers what 'real' dedication to a craft is.

Of all the dangerous places that I have been to in this world, South Africa, Mexico, Honduras, Brazil, Bosnia, Jamaica; the only place that I have ever actually witnessed a shooting was in Texas at a gas station at 2:30 in the morning.