The Response Machine...Leave a Message at the Beep.

We all know someone who just likes to talk and they will listen to you from time to time but you get the sense that they don't reeeeeeaally care. People like this can't help it; they are just naturally unenthused and nothing/no one will ever change that aspect of themselves. We can't change people and often, we can't even change ourselves. People like this need some kind of a coping device or mechanism, perhaps even a machine. Remember answering machines? No matter what kind of day you are having your answering machine was effing EXCITED to receive messages! "Hi, you've reached the Smiths, we can't take your call right now because we are out DOMINATING LIFE so please leave a message at the beep, BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Certain individuals need some sort of 'response machine' that allows one to just hit a button and the device will play a pre-recorded response to different situations. For example, I realized a long time ago that one of my friends was NEVER going to give me the response I was hoping for and I finally came to this conclusion when I called her up one day (super excited, mind you) and I said, "You won't believe this! I just shook hands with and spoke to the President of the United States of America!!!!!". My amiga's response to this turn of events was, "Oh cool, well I just got done emptying my cat's litter box and now I'm getting ready to re-watch season 5 of Friends so my day has been pretty good.". WHAAAAAAAAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, should have been her response even if it was faked.

People like this need mechanical intervention. The response machine (patent pending) will be of great use to both parties. The person enacting the response can hit the 'response' button, the message will play and then that uncaring S.O.B can go do laundry or empty out her cat's litter box while the caller is screaming about how amazing it was to meet the President on the other end and the caller is non the wiser to the nonchalantness of their wayward, so-called friend.

I really want to test my friend's excitement levels by making up fake stories to see what kind of a response that I can get out of her...if any. If I get no response or one of dull boredom then my companion might possibly be a robot or a Decepticon of some sort.

"Oh my God! I was just blessed by the Pope! He is washing my feet right now! WITH HIS OWN HAIR!"

"I hope you can accept the charges, because I am calling you from the moon."

"My Ferrari just broke down on the side of the road and I need you to come pick me up, wait, someone just pulled over....holy crap it's The Edge from U2!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for the ride Mr. The Edge!!"

"How much heroin is too much heroin?"

"Apparently, my tweets are being broadcast thru space by one of NASA's new programs and my tweets have just made first contact with sentient alien beings.#firstcontactbitchachos"

Feel free to use any of the previous fraudulent statements to test on your compatriots to see if they are in need of the 'response machine'.

Little Shop of Home Depot

All the the knowledge that I posses about botany emanates from the movie Little Shop of Horrors (A cult classic that my husband has never seen because he is a total mystery). With this being said, I do not understand the "Indoor Plants" section of the Home Depot. I assume, from the title, that these plants must be kept inside at all times no matter what, no matter how much the flower or herb begs you to go outside to play with all their other seedling friends and drink Capri Suns until the sun goes down.

How do these plants survive in the wild? They must be the genetically engineered dogs of the plant world. The pomeranians of greenery. I can't help but envision adorable little town houses, in the forest somewhere, that occur naturally and are housing these feeble little flora.

The only plants that I have managed NOT to kill have been cacti and succulents. After the zombie/Left Behind/Hunger Games/Terminator apocalypse and into our dystopian future few things will have survived except for roaches, cacti and Joan Rivers. I am positive that all these weak little bitch plants are going to be the first life forms to permanently die off.

My husband recently purchased a basil plant and so far, despite my best attempts, it is thriving. This plant requires constant sunshine and needs to be watered two times a day. Basil hales from Italy. It does not rain two times a day in Italy, where we live. I'm pretty sure that it doesn't even rain two times a day in the RAIN forest. I literally have no idea how this plant grows in the wild.

I just can't trust something that is so delicious, so high maintenance and yet an ultimate biological mystery, that is sold next to lawn gnomes at the Home Depot.

Give Credit Where Credit is Due

The majority of AWESOME ideas, floating around the universe right now, are mine. But, once in a great while, the torch is passed. I am not afraid to admit when I have been out done (which, sadly, is often). This is one of those great moments in our history when a true genius has risen to such great heights amongst us. A god amongst men. An idea so original and yet so simple.

Humanity has clear grand pianos (Thanks every pop band that sorta plays piano) which are totally pointless and probably sound like shit or more likely have an electric keyboard encased inside of a translucent grand shell (equally dumb). And yet, we can not use lucite to our advantage? For science?! I say thee nay! What else, in our lives, could be improved upon if they were only transparent. Perhaps our medical bills...(see what I did there?!) Politics, BOOM!

The Fly

*No Jeff Goldblums were harmed in the writing of this blog.

Two flies have been ruining my life. They cannot be killed; they might even be terminators I'm not sure. We cannot kill them. We set up fly paper and this weird bottle of sugar water that the internet told us to make. Literally, nothing will kill these assholes. A better fly killer/trap needs to be invented but first let's look at the facts.

Flies don't actually want to be on your food, they want to be on YOU. The food is merely a segue to the closest human. These flies only bother me and my husband when we are innocently sitting on the couch sanz food. They just don't want us to watch anime all day long I guess. Jerks.
Okay, we need to create human shaped fly catchers/killers. This fly catcher will still need to be portable for use indoors and outdoors. I suggest an inflatable human and NO not one of those "love dolls" from an adult video store (you sicko). An inflatable human that is dressed like they just want to relax and not be bothered by flies. This inflatable humanoid will emit a sweet smell but then kill those stupid creatures on contact thru it's toxic skin! This item is not yet safe for children because it is still in the prototype phases of construction. Since it will be covered in bug poison, kids will, naturally, want to play with it. If you know of a way I can make this thing kid safe, let me know. This is a Think Tank, after all. I can't be a one woman Think Tank.

Way to State the Obvious!

"I just feel like my life has so much PURPOSE now that I have kids." Umm, duh. Of course, your life has purpose now that you have kids. It also had purpose before you had kids...I hope. I find this statement just plain dumb because you are stating something that should be obvious but at the same time this statement makes it sound like childless people, somehow have less purpose on this earth. A list of people who never had children include but is not limited to:
Jesus Christ
Every Pope
Susan B. Anthony
Louis Armstrong
Sir. Francis Bacon
Jane Austen
Andy Warhol
Ludwig Van Beethoven
William Blake
James Buchanan
Lewis Black
Coco Chanel
Julia Child
Tim Curry
Leonardo Da Vinci
Salvador Dali

The above list goes on forever and subsequently a list of people who HAD/HAVE children include but are not limited to:
Tina Fey
Barack Obama
Abraham Lincoln
Queen Elizabeth
Paul McCartney
Cher
Mya Angelou
Thomas Kinkade
Adele
George W. Bush
George H. Bush
Conan O'brien
Stephen Colbert
Michael Jordan
Winston Churchill
This list could also go on for the end of time. The point is that all of these people had a purpose; some of them had kids and some of them didn't.

Old Timey Photos

All beach towns, cheesy resorts and Branson, Missouri have these "Old Timey Photos" everywhere. What are old timey photos? These are photos of your scantily clad Aunt Barb awkwardly stroking a large Smith and Wesson rifle all while giving "bed room eyes" to your 52-year-old Uncle Jim, who for some reason is wearing a fake handle-bar mustache, spurs and a slightly too tight leather vest because the "Old Timey Photo Booth" was out of a men's XL pot-belly size, so he had to squeeze himself into the child's "husky" size, instead.

We've all seen/and or done these horrible family photos but I am always left somewhat disappointed. I want a REAL "Old Timey Photo". I didn't know that Old Timey translates to, only the American West circa 1802-1898 via Billy the Kid. I want to pose nude with only a fig leaf, an apple and a snake! Now, that's Old Timey!!! Or how about dressing up like the Allied Forces battling the Nazis?! That's Old Timey.

I think if someone set up an "Old Timey Photo" booth that specialized in the Jurassic era, that person would make a million bucks! Who doesn't want to be the family dressed up as T-Rexs', velociraptors and plesiosaurs?! Slap an Instagram filter on that, perhaps some sepia tones, and you've got yourself a memory; all it needs is someone throwing up on the tilt-a-whirl, some kettle corn and (as always) some salt-water taffy.

Saw this; thought of you!

This was in the dumpster outside my apartment. I guess there's just no room in this world for old smelly mattresses=(