I Go Where The Candy Goes

This Independence Day fell on a Sunday so I was at church. Our pastor has teaching time with the children of the congregation which is usually adorable and funny. This time our pastor asked one particular child what the 4th of July was about. The child did not know.

 I find that if a holiday does not involve candy and/or presents kids don't concern themselves with the meaning of the holiday. And who can blame them? If this holiday wanted to be more respected it would start doling out the candy and pronto!

So anyways, since the child did not know what the origin of the 4th of July was our pastor gave him a hint. He said,"It's when we celebrate our independence from what country?" The child stuttered and said,"It's umm...when we ummm...got seperated from...ummm...oh yeah! MEXICO!!" I think it's funny that we are soo far removed from europe that it is no longer even on our radar. But let's also keep in mind that every child here has experienced Mexican candy and raspas and when was the last time you heard of someone eating British candy? Gross. I go where the candy goes.

No Fatties

Alot of people (I'm looking in your direction europe!) like to make fun of the U.S. for being so obese and for the most part they have the right because most of us are fat. But, the U.S. military has a strict "no fatties" requirement for all recruits across all branches. What is interesting here is that if any other job required its employees to maintain a certain weight, that would be considered discrimination and that fatty could probably sue that employer on such grounds. The military can get away with this "discrimination" because, well...they have tanks. Hooters can be sued for not hiring male servers. Airlines can be sued when a rotund passenger is forced to purchase two seats based on his or her size. An all Jewish school can be sued for not admitting gentiles. The list goes on and on. I'm sure I could come up with a reason why my last job prospect didn't hire me...perhaps Mal-Interview Skills Syndrome or MISS for short. It's a social disorder...that I might have made up, but that's not the point! The point is, we should be holding ourselves to higher standards like the military does. Instead of sueing someone because they hurt our feelings maybe (and I know this sounds crazy) we should take some initiative and loss weight or take a communications class or get gender re-assignment surgery (for the Hooter's guy...jk...or am I?) The bottome line is, if my job told me that I was going to be fired over 15 lbs. I'd start running around in trash bags until the weight came off and that is exactly what new military recruits do who need to lose the weight to follow their dreams. If it's good enough for the best military on the planet, it's good enough for me.

Baby machine

Let me start off by saying that I am not a feminist, environmentalist or democrat however I do a pretty good job of blurring the lines between, democrat/republican, feminist/masogonist and environmentalist/get yer hippy b.s. out of my yard! What I mean to say is that I am constantly finding myself in the middle. I think that Keith Oberman, Shaun Hannity, Glenn Beck and Rachel Maddow should all be given a controversal news topic and then sent to a remote desert island to fight to the death about the subject.

I think that no matter how far women make it in the world we are still just expected to get married and have babies. We go to school only to meet guys to father our children. We spend massive amounts of money on our degrees only to never use them again because we now have children to take care of. Don't get me wrong there are a lot of working mothers out there but I don't know if I really agree with that either. We live in a society that wants our cake, that wants to eat our cake and that wants to start a massive food fight with the leftover cake. Audry Hepburn once said that she didn't want children because it would cause her to be a bad parent and a bad professional. It would hurt all aspects of her life. On the other hand we are currently living in a double in-come society. If both parents don't work it's almost impossible to support a family. I don't really have any answers to this situation (the only time I will admit to NOT having an answer) but I think this is an important subject to talk about out in the open.

In these times is it really so selfish to just not want children? Is it really so selfish to be a stay-at-home mom? Is it really so selfish to have a successful career and no children? No matter how far women's rights advance we are still mostly valued for our reproductive capabilities and how we use that asset. Almost all female controversy stems from this unique capability; birth control, abortion, IVF, STD's, sex education. I might not have an answer to any of these touchy subjects but I would appreciate a more open dialogue about them without fear of persecution or just being called "selfish" for not complying to the status quo.

Wal-Mart Preacher

Today, as I was turning into to Chick-Fil-A for my $5/1,000calorie chicken sandwich, I almost got into a wreck...almost. Apparently, a bald man, wearing a WWE RAW t-shirt and wielding a Bible was yelling at those driving by. I could hear someone yelling behind me and I assumed something logical (how stupid of me) like someone was hurt and yelling for help, I had inadvertenly hit something or someone and someone was trying to alert me or I was being ushered into the wal-mart parking lot by an over zealous father of a local boyscout troupe that desperately needs to sell the last bit of their delicious popcorn. (side note: this is why you fail boyscouts, no one wants stale popcorn. We want stale cookies sold by adorable little girls...duh!)

Anyways, what amazed me was this man's telepathic powers! Normally, when someone drives past me I have no idea if they are a trans-vestite, homosexual, an alcoholic (although, sometimes I can tell if they are an alcoholic), a pervert, hindu, Christian, Jewish, Muslim; call me crazy but I just can't tell! This man, on the other hand, was a telepathic genius. He KNEW if you were a homosexual AND he knew what Bible verse to yell at you?! How did he do it?!! Grant it, if you were driving a Saturn you'd probably be gay or at least a little by-curious. So, he might have been able to guess that one. But, the list continues. He KNEW if you were a pervert and that's a tough one to guess. He knew a specific prayer for the perverts driving by in their Nissan Maximas...amazing.

Here's my question Wal-Mart preacher. If you are, in fact, a telepathic (which I believe you are) then why don't you use your powers for something bigger. I mean, I'm sure the FBI would want a complete list of proven homosexuals in the tri-state area. Because like you said, "We all know their terrorists!". Also, I would think that the FBI would also be interested in your Biblical knowledge because what good is KNOWING where all the homosexuals are if you can't cure them?? And don't stop there! If you, Wal-Mart preacher, are able to cure the gays then I'm sure you can cure the Muslims of their Muslimness...right??

Well, I believe in you Wal-Mart Preacher and now, with the help of my helpful tips, perhaps you can start frying bigger fish. Or should I say bigger, gayer, Muslimyer fish!

Girlfriend, Australian for Coaster

Going Vrogue

It has recently been brought to my attention that the two best-selling books, right now, are Sarah Palin's Going Rogue and Stephanie Meyer's Twilight saga. The Twilight saga has garnered much attention and the spin-offs are in abundance. Bookstores are now carrying anything that is vampire related. HEB carries a vampire wine and, worst of all, teenagers now believe that all their pent up angst, hostilities and sexual frustations will now pay off in either a major book deal or motion picture.

 Vampires are nothing new and teeny-bopper love affairs are even older, (Romeo and Juliet, Samson and Delilah anyone?). But, put the two together and you have a blood sucking, estrogen filled, money spending fourteen year old on your hands. I can't say that I BlAME Stephanie Meyer, she must love money and  she produced a blood soaked book that can deliver the bucks. I also love money and would jump at the chance to take advantage of middle school girls' parents; who are willing to buy anything that might induce a smile from their little princesses' tortured goth soul. Stephanie Meyer decided on the theme of money, in order to make money. What fictitious demographic is always wealthy? Vampires. Vampires are always wealthy. They are wealthy because they have been given an unholy eternity to roam the night, aquire antiques and learn sexy foreign languages. I, on the other hand, if given an eternity of youth and black lipstick, would spend my time mastering the art of channel surfing, collecting cheap airport novels and playing catch up on season 1 of True Blood. So, am I the only lazy vampire here? Why are all vampires so damn pro-active about life...er...death...er, dammit.

This is the issue that I will tackle in my new novel Going Vrogue. "Vick Von Fangson (try saying that ten times fast) was a 1980's business mogul, pro-golfer and loving father of three. Vick's life was spent between Reganomics, 9 irons and soccer practice. This family man was being stretched in three different directions and sometimes he wished he was dead just so he could catch a break! Luckily for Vick, death turned out to be his lucky day! Now that Vick is officially a member of the Undead Society he has all the time in the world to just sit back, watch a little golf and relax, right? Not if VAMP (Vampires Against Moratory Persons) has anything to say about it. Oh and did I mention, VAMP's party leader Sarah ImPalin really has it in for the undead world's newest and laziest vampire Vick...and to make matters worse, he's a democrat." If you liked Going Rogue and the Twilight saga get ready for the wildest, blood sucking, Republican ride of your life! Vick Von Fangson will have you laughing and wishing you had spent your formidable years watching re-runs of The Golden Girls instead of learning French and piano like all those other boring vampires. Look out GOP because here comes the laziest vampire of all time!

Dear Teach for America,

Why didn't you hire me? Was it because of the fact that I have never missed a deadline? Was it because my organizational skillz are kept inside of my noggin? Is it because I am tooo sexy? (probably not) Is it because I was over qualified? Is it becaue I am NOT smarter than a 5th grader? Was it because you saw this blog? Ya, it's probably because you saw this web log. At least YOU were super professional when you DIDN'T call me for my phone interview that I had setup with you. Also, you didn't even apologize for that, hmmm, Miss Manners is wagging her righteous finger at you! Why did you make my friends fill out Letters of Recommendation when you didn't even read them? Don't get me wrong I love wasting time but I try not to waste other people's time...unless it involves kite flying.

But enough about me, what about the children? Or as Paula Deen would say, "the chil'ren's." Think about what they will be missing out on. They will never learn how to properly air guitar, fight fisticuffs, curse at other children in German, play hookey, knee-pit fart or properly assemble a box kite! These are life lessons people! History, English, Math, Science all these disciplines are worthless if you don't know how to rock. What good is English if you don't know all the best curse words like #$$^#%&#$%FGF? What good is Math if you don't know how to use it to cheat at Black Jack? What good is History if you don't know where the first sounds of rock 'n' roll were heard? (It was Valhalla) What good is Science if you don't know how to construct a Peter Frampton Talk Box that also doubles as a bong? THESE are valuable skills that people would pay for. Or maybe not.