The Flameshoveler

I have never lived in a truly cold environment. One time it snowed at my house for three days and that was about it. However, during the winter season I see numerous PSA's and news stories about snow storms and the nightmare of having to shovel snow off of your driveway. Many people complain of back problems, time constraints and over-all fatigue due to shoveling snow.  I might have a solution to the snow shoveling situation.

Just stop. Seriously. Just buy a flamethrower and torch the shit outta that snow. Make the snow your winter time bitch! I found this on Amazon for $300.

This bad boy can reach temperatures of 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit. You could just flame your driveway in under 10 seconds flat with this mechanical dragon.

Back pain? Torch it! Fatigue? Torch it! No time? Torch it! Torch your way to the clearest driveway in the neighborhood!

Adult Coloring Books

As many of you know, Christmas is upon us. It is a time for giving, sharing and kindness to all mankind. For me, Christmas is a time to buy me all the things because I am dangerously low on THINGS.

I asked my husband for one of those 'adult coloring books'. In these books, grown-ups can fill in intricate designs with beautiful and delicate colored pencils. Many different design styles are represented in these books such as Art Nouveau, Mandala, Kaleidoscopes and Panoramic Nature Scenes. My husband was shocked by this Christmas request. He assumed that when the word 'adult' is placed before any noun that that person, place, thing or idea is covered in dicks. I would rather not color-in phallic images for Christmas much to my husbands dismay.

"Erotic Coloring Books" would be a great name for my spouses book business. This way, you know that the images are going to be EROTIC, instead of, books meant for adults to color in trippy designs. Titles will include:
"A study on Boobs"
"Mammory Mazes"
"Dicks, Design and Drafting"
"A Penis for your Thoughts"
"Calming Cleavage"
"Taste the Rainbow"

To be sold in ADULT book stores across North America.

Christmas Card Chaos Is Finally Here!

My Christmas cards finally came in the mail the other day! (Thanks Tiny Prints!) I have successfully added my likeness to my new Christmas card family! This new (some might say better) family consists of myself, shirt-less Taye Diggs, our tiny Asian love child and a menagerie of camels and parakeets all sporting Santa hats. You can almost taste the chaos! I cannot WAIT for my family and friends to open these wonders! I only wish I could see their faces.

Merry Christmas ya'll!

Why We Die

Never fear, feel lonely or sad. Know that some piece of you still exists in this universe and will linger on thru the ages. Your works will become outdated or outsourced. Your great-grandchildren will forget your name and your worldly possessions will wither like a Kardashian without 24/7 media coverage.

I speak of your precious MySpace account. Naturally, I had forgotten about this horrendous webpage that I created at the tender age of 18 until a friend of mine tried to find me on the site and by "find me" I mean, "probably blackmail me" and by "friend" I mean, "probably an internet assassin". I had a difficult time locating my old internet stomping grounds because I searched my actual name (like a normal human) but, of course, back when I was 18 my real name wasn't cool enough...sigh...so instead I had to find my atrocious screen name (that was also, somehow, misspelled) (How you manage to misspell a fictional word is beyond me but my 18 year old self found a way GODDAMMIT!) The horrors of that social media account are far too numerous to list here so instead I invite you to see for yourself!
https://myspace.com/daxemaster

After many struggles to procure my old account my husband just assumed that MySpace removed my profile since I haven't even logged into it since Brittney Spears was still relevant. "I guess you just weren't producing enough content.", he said. Is this not a simile for life, I ask you? What are we doing at age 80? Probably not working or having children just being, I guess? It is as if the universe says, "Hey man, nothing personal but I gotta take you out. You had a good run but you just aren't producing enough content anymore.". If this were the case then why do some people kick the bucket at the very height of their career or work output? Perhaps, they were just operating on an obsolete interface. Only the universe can truly know the answers to these questions. Someday I will query the big motherboard in the sky but for now it is nice to know that some piece of me has survived thru countless wars, human atrocities, that weird Jack Johnson phase and Caitlin Jenner.

Christmas Card Chaos!

Every year I struggle to produce the perfect Christmas card. Classy? Tasteless? Irreverent? Religious? Far Side? I strive for timeless elegance but always manage to end up with something like this...

This year's Christmas card theme will be "Chaos Theory". Instead of sending out the traditional card that consists of a photo of me and my husband and some rando Christmas clip art, I have decided to enclose a photo of myself with a total stranger. Preferably, that stranger would be a strong African American man and (fingers crossed!) a tiny Asian baby and our 4 parakeets all wearing tiny Santa hats. This card will be sent out to our nearest and dearest with absolutely no explanations except for the obligatory Happy Holidays moniker. I will then cease and desist from all social media and merely watch the chaos ensue from my front row seat! I will not answer emails, telephone calls or any other queries. My relatives will be in total media darkness. "Is she divorced?", they will say. "Was she Asian this whole time and we didn't know?" "If so, then what persuAsian is she?" "I thought she hated birds?" "We all thought she was racist?" "I guess not?" None of these questions will be answered.

After all, what better way to celebrate the birth of our Lord than alienating your entire family? I think the very first Christmas card would have been similar to my current plan. Picture it. Mary amongst a plethora of farm animals (for no apparent reason) alongside her would-be spouse and an angel floating in the background. The foreground would be composed of a tiny baby born not of Joseph but of a Higher Power. Now, put yourself in the shoes (or should I say sandals) of Mary's mother. You haven't spoken to your daughter in over a fortnight and out of the blue you receive this card in the mail by donkey express.There are no words, no explanations except for a crudely painted portrait and a solicitation of pure faith.

Is my card really that different? Maybe I'm not trying to start a grass-roots religion but God knows I will sacrifice everything for comedy.

Life Hack for a Sparkling Clean Home

Today I had the morning off from work so, naturally, I have accomplished nothing. I have spent the last hour online searching for a reliable cleaning service.

Here is my life hack. Instead of looking for a maid, for over an hour online, maybe just start cleaning your house for that hour instead. The truth hurts, I know.

I really don't want a maid because I don't think I can handle the judgement. He or she will be judging how dirty I am and then returning to their domicile later that evening to discuss my level of filth with their significant other. "Can you believe I found guitar picks in the cereal boxes?!", said my fictional maid or manservant (because feminism). Why was the maid going thru my cereal boxes?! I also can't handle this person judging my level of laziness either. I can't leave this stranger alone in my home, whom I have never met before, with all of my valuables and by "valuables", I mean, my set of Hulk Hands, shitty paintings that I have painted at one too many Wine and Paint Nights and my cacti collection. So, instead of leaving this person alone at my home, I will be sitting on the couch playing video games. Meanwhile, the maid or manservant is thinking to themselves, "Why doesn't she just clean? She clearly has nothing better to do? I should really charge her $900 an hour...that seems fair." Lastly, I don't want to hire a cleaning service out of fear that I have become the bourgeois. Basically, this will make me feel like a giant ass hole, "CLEAN MY MANSION PLEBEIAN!" My family never used a cleaning service and neither have I so this would be my first experience and it's already making me feel like I failed Home Economics.

At this point, my only safe and judgement free option is to just get a Roomba, until the robot uprising of 2037, that is.

One Critique to Rule Them All

I have recently developed a new way in which to judge films. I call it the "Nutty Professor to LOTR" rating system. For example, let's pretend you just watched the film 47 Ronin (which was terrible) you would rate this movie at 1 Nutty Professor on the scale of Nutty Professor to LOTR. If, say, you just got done viewing The King's Speech (which was excellent) you would give that movie 2 LOTR's for being brilliant. However, no film will ever be awarded 4 LOTR other than the actual Lord of the Rings trilogy (and maybe Star Wars-the other holy trinity). Likewise, no film can be as bad as the actual Nutty Professor so ONLY the actual Nutty Professor can receive 4 Nutty Professors. The scale only goes to 4.

I think this will clear up a lot of movie reviews out there on the internet once my system has been put into practice.

Oh and your welcome.