Super Size Me

Keep in mind that I am jaded and hate most things/ideas/people but I really hate Lent. I don't have anything against the religious dogma. I can't stand the people who are so boisterously participating in their modern day fast.

No amount of fish is going to erase your tramp stamp tattoo or make you a better person. Yelling about your fasting over social media only draws more attention to said tramp stamp. No one is praising your fast. As a matter of fact, the attention to your flaws becomes magnified. For instance, you're fat, therefore you fast from food or fatty foods/sweets. Are you doing this to become closer to God in order to obtain spiritual enlightenment or for your ass and sexual enlightenment? I'm all for T and A but I call it what it is: sex drive. Nothing wrong with that.

You are fasting from shopping. Fine, but we all know that you are also saving for that vacation to Puerta Vallarta this summer. "The Lord provided!" you will shout. Did He or did you? Your vacation to Mexico doesn't seem like it would be very high on God's To-Do List.

You are fasting from social media. Why? This one I just don't understand at all. This fast just seems to be a sounding board for your minions to praise you publicly. I'm no theologian but I don't recal Jesus and Moses shouting to the masses that they were going to fast and devote those days to prayer. Pretty sure it was a mostly private affair.

I say all this because when I was in college I saw a good friend go through an actual religious fast. It was both the dumbest thing I had ever witnessed and the most beautiful. This man only consumed liquids such as broth or juice, no solid foods and he read the Bible or accompaniment religious texts at every free moment of his day. He did this for 40 days and 40 nights. He didn't shout out from a mountain top about his piety. He was quiet and pensive. He wasn't fat so he became quite frail and weak. After the fast, solid foods caused him extreme gastric problems for the next few weeks. What this person did was totally selfless. It benefited him in no way other than the traditional spiritual sense. There was no alternative motive here.

Becoming weirdly religious for a couple of weeks a year looks inconsistent and insincere to the outside world of us heathens. This kind of behavior is what pushes people away from organized religion. Of all the wonderful social practices that are found in the Bible you have chosen to eat fish? Instead of giving to those in need, you are fasting from Facebook? Instead of feeding a stranger, you gave up chocolate? Instead of caring for an orphan, you quit unnecessary shopping for a few weeks?

Who am I to judge? We all pick and choose and tonight I'm choosing a Filet-O-Fish and not because of any religious fervor but because this fried treat appeals to my white trash sensibilities and I'm on a diet not a fast.

What Really Goes Bump in the Night

The myth of the vampire is fascinating to me because in modern day culture this stoic fiend is seen as some sort of benevolent god type figure. He has the power to destroy but chooses to sit idle while wrestling with his own demons, humanity or lack thereof. He falls in love, he denounces his true nature and would rather die than take the life of an innocent in order to sustain his already long life.

I take issue with this narrative because this is a figure who has lived for centuries and it would be nearly impossible for him to remain pure or even have feelings left, at all. Put aside the blood lust, the night stalking, transmogrification and lack of reflection and we find a human; a human being who can't die but is forced to roam the earth for eternity with no one who can understand him on any level. Centuries of intelligence are at his fingertips but often that sagacity is unchecked and lonely.

Now imagine an old man. The senior citizen who yells at kids, thru his denture filled mouth, to get off his lawn, Someone who is somewhat of a recluse. The news angers him, music angers him and most of all people anger him. Of course, we are all familiar with the "sweet little old lady" type figure but remember this is the very same "sweet little old lady" who probably uses the 'N' word and has no problem telling you the cold hard truth to your face but she knits and bakes cookies so I guess that makes up for the racism and unsolicited advice, right? Take a look at your own life, for instance. At age 8 you couldn't keep from crying as your only pet goldfish surfed his last wave to the big toilet in the sky. Now, at age 38, you can barely muster a tear at a grandparents' funeral. Are you evil? Or have you just lived long enough to realize that the tears don't matter? The flood of salty water flowing so freely from your eyes can't stop death. It is inevitable. The cycle continues. The only difference is that now you see the spiral completely. A cold, black, unblinking, bird's eye view of life.

It stands to reason that anyone, left to their own devices for centuries, would end up (by our modern, human, standards) evil. How can you watch the same mistakes being made over and over again throughout time and country and not become jaded, not view humanity as cattle? What would any of it matter to you? Oh sure, you've tried to warn mankind of their doom but that was 200 years ago, and did anyone listen to you? No, they threw stones at you and called you monster. But who is the real monster? Perhaps, it is the ones who have no memory. Who won't live long enough to remember. Sure, they don't suck blood but how many have they killed and for what reasons? Stalin, Hitler, Mao Zedong, Trump, what does it matter?  They will never see the error of their ways because they don't know that an error was ever made. But you, you everlasting demon, you remember, don't you? You remember the revolutions, the fear, the hate and in a few years or centuries (perhaps? hopefully?) you will see it all again, as if, for the first time. No remorse from those who perpetrated these events because they have no memory of their ill deeds. Those were 'others' from another time, or another place. I," I "would never uphold such values as hatred, fear mongering and bigotry! However, you, oh tireless Nosferatu, know my lies. You know the outcome, don't you? Humanity hides it's ugly deeds under the veil of religion or freedom all while you hide your blood lust under cover of darkness. Are we so different? You and I? I'm not so sure anymore. The lines have become blurred.

But, there is a difference, isn't there? I am human. I lie but I also believe my lies. You are legend. You lie but you are smart enough, evil enough, not to believe your own lies. You know exactly what you are and yet are powerless to change. I don't know what I am but I am powerFUL to change...and yet, I don't choose to change. Now, I ask you again, who is the true monster here?

Xtreme Vacationing (Transylvania Edition)

Relaxation is not something that I am good at. Wait, let me take that back. I am amazing at relaxation. Netflix is my bitch. My couch is a trusty steed. Cookie scented Yankee Candles are all up in this! However, when it comes to vacations I just forget how to chill.

I am not capable of just going to a Sandals resort or sailing the Caribbean on a cruise like normal people. I see vacations as some kind of a challenge. Vacations are my adventures. Every single vacation has to involve vomiting (at least once) some sort of misery mobile i.e. murder bus, death train thru the desert, hell metro, etc. My leisure time should also include extreme spots with minor injuries, narrowly escaping a shanking and usually witnessing some sort of prostitution or obscene public act.

Holidays are for spas, family time and mild sight seeing. My holiday is for throwing up in a Romanian night club, heat stroke, ingesting "medications", living in squalor at hostels and befriending Russian punks.

Extended breaks leave me exhausted, penniless and hungover. Yet, I would happily hop back on the murder bus and do it all over again. I don't know what exactly is wrong with me but if I did I don't think I would want to fix it.

I have uploaded two short videos (for your amusement) that perfectly showcase the antithesis of relaxation. Hiking up mystery mountain in Transylvania....I'm pretty sure that last phrase was a tagline to some B level horror movie.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zI08WywgXiE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNlr4VNtfoY

Adult Coloring Books

As many of you know, Christmas is upon us. It is a time for giving, sharing and kindness to all mankind. For me, Christmas is a time to buy me all the things because I am dangerously low on THINGS.

I asked my husband for one of those 'adult coloring books'. In these books, grown-ups can fill in intricate designs with beautiful and delicate colored pencils. Many different design styles are represented in these books such as Art Nouveau, Mandala, Kaleidoscopes and Panoramic Nature Scenes. My husband was shocked by this Christmas request. He assumed that when the word 'adult' is placed before any noun that that person, place, thing or idea is covered in dicks. I would rather not color-in phallic images for Christmas much to my husbands dismay.

"Erotic Coloring Books" would be a great name for my spouses book business. This way, you know that the images are going to be EROTIC, instead of, books meant for adults to color in trippy designs. Titles will include:
"A study on Boobs"
"Mammory Mazes"
"Dicks, Design and Drafting"
"A Penis for your Thoughts"
"Calming Cleavage"
"Taste the Rainbow"

To be sold in ADULT book stores across North America.

Christmas Card Chaos Is Finally Here!

My Christmas cards finally came in the mail the other day! (Thanks Tiny Prints!) I have successfully added my likeness to my new Christmas card family! This new (some might say better) family consists of myself, shirt-less Taye Diggs, our tiny Asian love child and a menagerie of camels and parakeets all sporting Santa hats. You can almost taste the chaos! I cannot WAIT for my family and friends to open these wonders! I only wish I could see their faces.

Merry Christmas ya'll!

Christmas Card Chaos!

Every year I struggle to produce the perfect Christmas card. Classy? Tasteless? Irreverent? Religious? Far Side? I strive for timeless elegance but always manage to end up with something like this...

This year's Christmas card theme will be "Chaos Theory". Instead of sending out the traditional card that consists of a photo of me and my husband and some rando Christmas clip art, I have decided to enclose a photo of myself with a total stranger. Preferably, that stranger would be a strong African American man and (fingers crossed!) a tiny Asian baby and our 4 parakeets all wearing tiny Santa hats. This card will be sent out to our nearest and dearest with absolutely no explanations except for the obligatory Happy Holidays moniker. I will then cease and desist from all social media and merely watch the chaos ensue from my front row seat! I will not answer emails, telephone calls or any other queries. My relatives will be in total media darkness. "Is she divorced?", they will say. "Was she Asian this whole time and we didn't know?" "If so, then what persuAsian is she?" "I thought she hated birds?" "We all thought she was racist?" "I guess not?" None of these questions will be answered.

After all, what better way to celebrate the birth of our Lord than alienating your entire family? I think the very first Christmas card would have been similar to my current plan. Picture it. Mary amongst a plethora of farm animals (for no apparent reason) alongside her would-be spouse and an angel floating in the background. The foreground would be composed of a tiny baby born not of Joseph but of a Higher Power. Now, put yourself in the shoes (or should I say sandals) of Mary's mother. You haven't spoken to your daughter in over a fortnight and out of the blue you receive this card in the mail by donkey express.There are no words, no explanations except for a crudely painted portrait and a solicitation of pure faith.

Is my card really that different? Maybe I'm not trying to start a grass-roots religion but God knows I will sacrifice everything for comedy.

Strong Weather Friends (Quick Tips on Finding Your Halloween Bestie)

We all have friends...some fair weather and some hurricane weather level friends. You can't be best friends with everyone, there just aren't enough hours in the day to devote to such an intense relationship and you are  not Oprah. If you are Oprah and you are reading this right now then I would just like to say, thanks for being my best friend Oprah, I don't know how you put up with me!

This Halloween season (the most magical season of them all! Back off Christmas! I will cut you!), there are a few things to look out for when choosing your best friend and these tips will help you on your journey to bestfriendom.

If you walk into a Halloween party and no one understands your costume and you are constantly having to explain it to everyone in the room...you need to leave that party IMMEDIATELY. These people are not cool enough to be your friends. So what if you dressed as Dr. Girlfriend from the Venture Brothers from season 5 episode 8, that's not obscure, that is dope as hell and these people are just not on your cosplay level.

Diligently search out the one who hates what you love. And by this, I mean, if you love gummy candies then find someone who hates gummy candies. Real friendship is born of things that truly matter like virtue, strength, comradery and the ability to stay the FUCK away from my precious Haribo Bears!

Be on the look out for a partner in crime. Halloween can be mischievous and your neighbors house isn't going to tee pee itself. You need a reliable battle buddy, preferably someone with a strong right arm because flingin' toilet paper is harder than it looks.

Through thick and thin we are kin! Having fun, drinking, tee peeing houses and going to parties is great but who will be there for you in the morning? The dreaded day AFTER Halloween? This is the real test. The friend who stayed up till 4am with you just to watch horror movies or commit minor crimes or helped you into your Dr. Girlfriend costume and stayed thru it all till the dawn. They helped you clean up a sea of red solo cups off your living room floor, pulled chewing gum out of your hair (how it got there is a mystery for the ages), threw away the detritus of smashed pumpkins and with a smile on their face. Till next year best friend. You have truly weathered the storm of ultimate friendship.

#Cursed

Happy New Year! I wanted to wish you an Unhappy Old Year but that's in the past. Speaking of which, here are some hashtags that made my old year quite unhappy.

#blessed....because your benevolent god saw fit to just, simply bless you. Aren't you special. Every time something bad happens to me am I cursed? "I gained 10 pounds over the holidays!" #cursed

#nofilter...OMG you took a photo NOT on Instagram?! I am glad that you told me because I am going thru Instagram withdrawls.

#nomakeup...I wish this was the caption underneath my shitty passport photo. When will we be allowed to use Instagram for official photos? If someone had to indentify my body from an official photo no one would know who I was. They would only be familiar with my facebook and Instagram postings that contain numerous filters and an entire Clinique counter worth of make-up.

#cleaneating...WTF does that even mean?! As opposed to dirty eating? So, eating out of a dumpster ISN'T considered clean eating? What foods are clean and which ones are dirty? Am I on a kosher diet now?

#gym...#noonefuckingcares

Gift Wrapping Machine: Roomba or Wrapba

I can speak several languages, play musical instruments and navigate my way across Europe but dear God, help me if I have to gift wrap something. All my friends and family know that If they receive a gift from me then that gift will be hastily thrown into a bag and not wrapped. I'm sure that I could master Chinese acrobatics before I could entangle myself in the deranged, origami art of gift wrapping.

What sadist came up with this stupid idea? Hitler? Stalin? Emperor Nero? Personally, I think it was probably Batman's nemesis the Riddler. That guy LOVED surprises.  We all want to be surprised come Christmas morning or birthday but why do our gifts have to be intricately coated in extremely thin paper? THROW THAT SHIT IN A BAG!!!! It's gonna get tor' up inna bout 10 seconds!!!! SON!!!!!

The answer to this query is, of course, technology! We have drones, roombas, diswashers and netflix but we don't have a machine that will wrap presents for us yet? Talk about your first world problems! Society needs a Wrapba! Stick your gift inside the Wrapba Box, fill it with the wrapping paper, of your choosing and let the Wrapba do the work! From the company that brought you Wrapba, we give you Bowba! Bowba will give your special bounty the most elaborately enchanted bows imaginable!

I think the real question here is: If someone gives you Wrapba or Bowba for Christmas how do they wrap it?

Christmas, It's the Gayest Time of Year

'Tis the season to be merry and gay! I always knew that Christmas was fabulous but just how fabulous? I had no clue.

Many of us dress in drag for one night a year on Halloween but at Christmas time, most men get a month long holiday full of flashy cocktails, dinner parties, bow ties and Michael Buble.

Yesterday, I was doing some Christmas shopping and as I was standing in line at the check out counter I noticed a large, middle aged male in front of me purchasing perfume by Nikki Minaj (God only knows what that smells like) a gift collection of lotions from Victoria Secret and a box of Godiva chocolates. Any other time of the year this gentleman would have had to make a qualifying statement to go along with his most feminine of purchases, "It's for my girlfriend! The woman I have sex with! Because I am not gay! Not that there is anything wrong with that!" (I thought I would get you something nice for Christmas, so enjoy your Seinfeld quote)

Christmas time is the only time of year when men can unapologetically purchase almost anything! A pink hand gun? Why not. Tiny shorts that say, "Juicy" on the bum? Sure. A rabbit vibrator? Absolutely! The new One Direction album? It's NOT for my daughter, it's for ME!

I then realized that I asked my husband to buy me People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive issue because it had Chris Hemsworth on the cover. I also asked him to get me plenty of candy. Only Christmas morning will tell if he bought me these audacious items but if he did, I am sure that he looked like a man on his period buying these gifts. Next time I will be sure to sweeten the deal with tampons and the box set of Sex and the City.

This holiday season let your freak flag fly, dudes! Buy the soundtrack to Frozen, that you secretly love. Pamper yourself with a gift certificate to a spa and then fulfill it by yourself in January! Indulge in a pint of your favorite ice cream. No one will be the wiser! Except maybe for that tattle tail Elf on the Shelf...damn that thing is creepy.


































Men buying gay things like nikki minaj perfume, victoria secret body lotions, chris hemsworth sexy man alive people magazine they might be on their periods

Things You Don't Need, Christmas Edition

The Art of Shaving or as I like to call it, "The Art of Setting my Money on Fire" might be the most over-priced new product to hit the market of men's grooming. How have men been shaving, all these millenia, with out $100 razors and sandalwood scented shave cream? Do you really want your face to smell like wood? Now every wife/girlfriend/gaylover/blowupdoll knows what it would be like to make-out with Pinocchio.

Did you know that shaving is an art form?! Shaving now stands alongside other great minds of our time such as Michelangelo, Beethoven, Gaudi, Frank Gehry and Andy Warhol. Your local postal worker, who shaves his balls every morning, is now an artisan. He is a true craftsman who requires only the finest of stainless steel, made in China, razor blades to create his sunrise ball art masterpiece. Can we really put a price on such an instrument as a men's razor handle or the wax that he requires to make a delicate foo man shoo or pornstache? Is porn stache one word or two?

Apparently, the brushes that are used to apply the shave cream are made from badger hair. The last time I saw a badger it was roadkill. You are paying $100 for roadkill. You are putting roadkill on your face and/or balls. True elegance.

Let me suggest next year's over-priced, ordinary object but reinvented with more dollar signs fad.
It's called, "The Glory of Brushing". Experience dental care in a whole new and luxurious way! Don't simply brush your teeth but rather, message them with chinchilla bristles and a Brazilian rosewood handle that is ergonomically designed for pleasure and durability. Your new dental kit comes with a lavender and sage tooth conditioner and an ivory travel case. You will definitely want to travel with this masterpiece of design so that those around you know that your teeth are better than theirs.