These Colors Don't Run

Right after the Paris bombings many of us on social media turned our profile pictures into an Eiffel Tower or French slogan to show our support and solidarity with the French people. Soon afterwards, peoples of differing African nations and Middle Eastern countries cried out. Why not change the colors of your online avatar to those of the Afghani flag? Or the Sudanese flag? These are but a few examples of countries that face national atrocities and horrors on an almost daily basis and these occurrences are but a blip on western news. No one would light up the White House with the colors of the Nigerian flag or cover British Parliament in an Algerian banner. The bottom line is this. Westerners have turned a somewhat blind eye to the terrors of Africa. Be honest with yourself. We all do it. The horrors are sadly just too numerous and the issues that cause these problems can't all be solved with money or Doctors Without Borders. These issues are multi-faceted, some even ancient, political, religious, cultural and on and on and on. Because of this we choose to look in the other direction and to not dwell on such sadness. For good, evil or some weird grey area in between this is the way of the western news system and society itself.

Today my husband asked me if I had read the news stories about the shooting in Orlando or the rapist from Stanford University. I shrugged my shoulders and said,"I saw those headlines but I didn't read the stories". In that moment I realized that I didn't bother to actually read about those awful stories for the same reasons that I choose not to go any further than a headline into any of the awful situations in Africa or the Middle East...because the situations are just too numerous. Without knowing it, my mind has subconsciously placed America in with Africa and Atrocities. Obviously America is still safer and more stable than almost any African nation but I'm not sure anyone would glean that from the news headlines. There are shootings, seemingly, every day in the U.S., rapes, robberies, hate crimes, preposterous political campaigns, corruption, extreme wealth disparity and severe lack of charity. Has it gotten this bad?  So bad that when I read about a shooting in the news I just gloss over it as yet another American shooting? Yet another bombing in Africa? Who can keep up with this?

Perhaps it's time to get out of our comfortable suburban bubbles and talk with those that are different from us. Make a friend who is at a different economic level (up or down) from yourself. Talk to a Muslim. Befriend people of differing ethnicities, gender or sexual preference from yourself. Why? Because it's easy to hate a stranger. It's impossible to hate a friend. Get past the headline, make a friend and maybe the stories will begin to change.

Captain Hindsight

Please learn from my mistakes. Lying comes very easy to me unless I am put on the spot. I need time to prepare, to get into character, to discover my motivation and research my backstory. Perhaps, this stems from my early childhood when I took acting classes or because I just watch way too much TV however; this is all immaterial. When put on the spot I can't lie worth a damn. Here is a sampling of me on the spot given no preparation:

Police Officer: "What is your name"
Me: "PURPLE!"
PO: "Last name?"
Me:"THAT'S RACIST!"
PO:"Ma'am can you please step out of the vehicle"
Me:"I SUFFER FROM A RARE CONDITION THAT CAUSES ME TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND ALSO MY LEGS DON'T WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!"
PO:(Starts reading me my Miranda rights)
(end scene)

I tell you this so that you can be better prepared in awkward or law infringing situations.

A few days ago I was out on a run when a young man approached me and said something to me but I couldn't hear so, I took out my earbuds and he repeated himself, "Hi, I need to practice my massage skills would you like a foot rub, so that I can practice?" Me, "(Open mouth, head thrown back, ugly laughter) No thanks, I'm in the middle of my workout but nice try dude." Random guy, yet again proceeds to follow me and asks, "How about after your run?" Me, "(more laughter) No man, I'm way to busy, adios."

In hindsight, this is how I should have reacted. Random stranger, "Hi, I need to practice my massage skills would you like a foot rub, so that I can practice?" Me, "HELL YES I WOULD!!!!" Then I promptly kick off my tennis shoes to reveal my blistered stinky feet and plop my butt down in the middle of the road right where I was standing, next to the chain link fence and dumpster. Being faced with the reality of my feet and creeped out passerbyers  my (cough) assailant quickly leaves the premises."Terrible try dude, terrible try."
(end scene)

I call this play, "The Creepening" study it, learn it, call all bluffs...and then maybe contact the authorities but hopefully the authorities won't send that same cop who you told, "I SUFFER FROM A RARE CONDITION THAT CAUSES ME TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND ALSO MY LEGS DON'T WORK!!!!!!!"

Only Stupid People Have a lot of Friends

I recently read one of those lame Buzzfeed articles titled, "Only Stupid People Have a lot of Friends". I'm not sure if this is factual or not but what I can say is that smart people typically, aren't social butterflies. Why? These people are too busy working, they aren't always religious so they don't have a huge church family to pull friends from, they don't have a lot of hobbies and the hobbies they do have are very solitary like gardening or online gaming. Many of these people don't even have kids or they only have one, low-maintenance, child. Many of my most intellectual friends also suffer from social anxiety so they tend to stay home with their cats....I mean friends....no, I mean cats.

I've always wanted a lot of friends yet the mere thought of this is just too daunting. I think what I want is to be wanted. I don't really want to go to your baby shower, or shopping. I don't want to go to your church, or your Pampered Chef party. However, I want to be invited to your baby shower and shopping trips. I want to be invited to your church this Sunday and the ensuing Pampered Chef party.

Pretty sure I just described the average celebrity. Why haven't I become famous yet? I want millions of adoring fans and creative friends who invite me to weird functions and art galleries and who will continue to invite me long after my perpetual truancy. Wouldn't it be rad to sit at home with my glass of wine, watching Netflix all while knowing that others are incredibly saddened by my absence? That is my selfish dream. WORSHIP ME FOR NO REASON AT ALL!

The internet is so great, because no matter what your belief system is, you can find at least 10 articles or "experts" who corroborate your faith. You can visit websites that only agree with you and support you no matter how dumb you are. So for now, without scientific consideration or an altruistic attitude, I will assume that only stupid people have a lot of friends. Because why not? Others get the joy of ignoring global warming, vaccines and voting for Donald Trump so why can't I believe in something that is unvetted and totally stupid? I want to be on the stupid train too. Toot, Toot! All aboard the Stupid Train, next stop VapidVille, full of friends, full of faith and best of all, low on public broadcasting!

Wasted Saturday

Found this website via thebloggess.com, it's called dreamscopeapp.com, pretty radical stuff. This is what happens when you are severely jet-lagged and suffer from chronic motivation deficiency disorder or MDD for short. If you have nothing better to do with your day then I suggest wasting it away by seeing what you would have looked liked had Picasso painted you.

My only critique: There should be a Frida Kahlo filter in which the program just gives you one huge eyebrow. What if a "face" is not detected? Then fuck it. Put that eye caterpillar on whatever object IS in your photo. One giant eyebrow over a couch....that's an app I could get lost in.

Damn I'm Good at Books!

"Childe Roland to the dark tower came" -Robert Browning. This sentence has pursued me for many years. It has haunted my steps from high school thru college and now into my adult hood thru Stephen King's Dark Tower series, Harper Lee's Go Set a Watchman and Neil Gaiman's Sandman series.

These were all books that I loved, for one reason or another, and yet the one literary reference binding all these great novels together remained somewhat of a mystery to me. "Childe Roland to the dark tower came". Who is this mysterious "Roland" character and what/where is this equally peculiar "dark tower" edifice?

In some ways, Roland is everyone and no one. Anyone can identify with the secretive stranger, the wanderer and the forever alone; and yet, we can never fully understand him. This romantic figure is the part of us who is searching and trapped by the inevitability of his own fate, doomed in a sense. Doomed to repeat the same mistakes, unable to see the outcome of his repetitive actions. He is lacking in self-honesty, swollen with guilt and swimming in dread, living in the eye of the storm. Perhaps he catches a glimpse of his future thru the storm but the god machine sends him forth, sends him to his destiny, despite his many protests.

Providence is the "dark tower". The tower looms as a great magnetic force that can protect or eliminate, a terrible Shiva whom we are ever drawn towards like flies to the warm glow of incandescent light. The bringer of life and the destroyer of worlds waits for all her children to return to her, one day.

Are these figures a-moral? Are we to blame for our blindness or should we accuse the creator for our lack of foresight? What is your 'dark tower'? Are you living within the tower or in search of it? It would be wonderful to have these answers but such solutions require a lot of hallucinogenic drugs.

INGREDIENTS LIST

Food blogs are trending, mommy blogs are trending, this blog is not trending. This blog is not trending because it is neither a 'mommy blog' nor a 'food blog', with that being said, let's talk about food blogs, shall we?

First of all, I hate food blogs. I love the recipes, I love the food but I hate the writing. JUST GIVE ME A GODDAMN INGREDIENTS LIST. No, these writers force you to scroll thru miles of paragraphs about what kind of foods the family likes/dislikes, how the recipe was created, whether or not this recipe is considered party food, weeknight meals, blah, blah, blah. I don't care about your stupid family (because I am a terrible person), or that your grandma created the dish back in the 1950's and you've just tweaked it (I don't care about your dead grandma, because I am a terrible person) I don't need someone telling me if something is party food or not. You know what constitutes party food? Hosting a party and putting food out, that food is now party food because it is food at a party. That is the very definition of party food. I am so hungry, why am I reading about your day to day life when I could be at the grocery store buying things from an INGREDIENTS LIST.

Secondly, the pictures are just plain asinine. I know how to boil potatoes; I don't need a picture of potatoes boiling. I know how to chop shit. I don't need a photo of your hands chopping shit. I NEED AN INGREDIENTS LIST and I am still scrolling thru the endless amounts of bullshit. At this point, I am just so hungry that I have already ordered pizza but I can't wait long enough for the pizza guy to arrive so I have started to concoct an ungodly meal based on the desolate wasteland also known as my pantry. This God forsaken fuel is a combination of orange tic-tacs, stale flour tortillas, Craisins and a package of Big League Chew. You did this to me food blog! (you did this to me). Sometimes I do care about the bloggers life and those are the times that I will sit in my pajamas/work-out clothes and watch your show. If I visit your blog, it is solely for sustenance purposes.

Lastly, if you tell me to 're-hydrate' something like say raisins, here is what happens to my brain.

 (DIE HARD 2 LEVEL EXPLOSIONS USING C-4!!!!) Because you know what 're-hydrated' raisins are? GRAPES!!! Re-hydrated prunes? PLUMS! Re-hydrated porcini mushrooms? FUCKING MUSHROOMS! Luckily, non of this angers me and I stay totally calm and rational and I don't eat an entire of box of Ritz crackers and Nutella beause that's all that's left in my house. Nope. That would be highly irrational.

The Flameshoveler

I have never lived in a truly cold environment. One time it snowed at my house for three days and that was about it. However, during the winter season I see numerous PSA's and news stories about snow storms and the nightmare of having to shovel snow off of your driveway. Many people complain of back problems, time constraints and over-all fatigue due to shoveling snow.  I might have a solution to the snow shoveling situation.

Just stop. Seriously. Just buy a flamethrower and torch the shit outta that snow. Make the snow your winter time bitch! I found this on Amazon for $300.

This bad boy can reach temperatures of 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit. You could just flame your driveway in under 10 seconds flat with this mechanical dragon.

Back pain? Torch it! Fatigue? Torch it! No time? Torch it! Torch your way to the clearest driveway in the neighborhood!

Life Hack for a Sparkling Clean Home

Today I had the morning off from work so, naturally, I have accomplished nothing. I have spent the last hour online searching for a reliable cleaning service.

Here is my life hack. Instead of looking for a maid, for over an hour online, maybe just start cleaning your house for that hour instead. The truth hurts, I know.

I really don't want a maid because I don't think I can handle the judgement. He or she will be judging how dirty I am and then returning to their domicile later that evening to discuss my level of filth with their significant other. "Can you believe I found guitar picks in the cereal boxes?!", said my fictional maid or manservant (because feminism). Why was the maid going thru my cereal boxes?! I also can't handle this person judging my level of laziness either. I can't leave this stranger alone in my home, whom I have never met before, with all of my valuables and by "valuables", I mean, my set of Hulk Hands, shitty paintings that I have painted at one too many Wine and Paint Nights and my cacti collection. So, instead of leaving this person alone at my home, I will be sitting on the couch playing video games. Meanwhile, the maid or manservant is thinking to themselves, "Why doesn't she just clean? She clearly has nothing better to do? I should really charge her $900 an hour...that seems fair." Lastly, I don't want to hire a cleaning service out of fear that I have become the bourgeois. Basically, this will make me feel like a giant ass hole, "CLEAN MY MANSION PLEBEIAN!" My family never used a cleaning service and neither have I so this would be my first experience and it's already making me feel like I failed Home Economics.

At this point, my only safe and judgement free option is to just get a Roomba, until the robot uprising of 2037, that is.