Business Etiquette

Last week I was privy to an interesting business phone call by a passenger sitting behind me on a Greyhound bus. This conversation lasted the entirety of a ten hour bus ride. The caller in question was a 6' 4" african american woman, and I use the term 'woman' loosely here. She received numerous phone calls from gentlemen wanting to know her specs in relation to her photo, i.e. how tall she was, bust size, hair color, weight, age and if she was a woman how long she had been a woman. From what I could gather, she has been a woman for about 5 years now. The callers also wanted to know where they could meet her and if it was cool to bring other guys to their rendezvous. This dame was also wearing a mini skirt, tube top and stripper heels for a ten hour bus ride. Doesn't sound comfortable to me but then again she is probably way more professional than me. You gotta dress to impress.

But by far, the best part of this trip was the rent-a-cop at the bus terminal wearing aviator sunglasses, at night and INSIDE the bus terminal. I felt a lot safer at that moment.

Oui la piscine?

I don't understand people who own pools RIGHT by the beach...Basically my OCEAN beats your pool any day and it's free, all the time, 24/7.

Work to Live/ Live to Laugh

I am applying for jobs that I am not qualified for; that is to say, I am not qualified to scrub toilets. I have a liberal arts degree which means nothing to no one. Since I am spending so much time on useless job applications I have decided to use this opportunity as a platform for humor.

Under the "Skills" section of most applications I will now add: excellent comedic timing, beat-boxing enthusiast, epic guitar solos and great fake accents in addition to Microsoft Office.

Under the "previous employment" section: Racketeering, Boot-leg Alcohol Industry, Erotic Cakes Inc. and J.D. Power and Associates

Under the "Education" section: Rawanda's Beauty School, ECPI University-Mechatronics, Paint Your Own Pottery Class!

Under "References": Lady Diana Spencer (deceased), Jim "Hobo-Baggins" DeLau (location unknown) and Professor Snape (Hogwarts University)

Under "Languages": Spanglish, Human, Namekian and sarcastic

My cover letter will consist of the 1977 "Love Gun" album by KISS and signed by Gene Simmons

I feel like we've got a winner on our hands here.

A Family Place

I work at a music store and people are always thanking us for being a "family place" run by a "family". It is confusing to me that the word 'family' has become synonymous with the words wholesome and trustworthy.

 This leads me to believe that the words 'single' or 'couple' must be synonymous with untrustworthy and a-morality. It is as if no family has ever committed a crime? Um, I can think of a few namely Cosa Nostra, the Yukuza, the Rosenbergs, American polygamist cults, the Oneida cult. Come to think of it, I now feel less safe at a "family" establishment because families will die for each other and a secret. People who aren't related will rat each other out.

I think I will continue to live my untrustworthy and amoral life style...seems safer.

Planet of the Apes

A recent study found that when monkeys groom each other it releases endorphins and all sorts of happy feelings in the monkeys. I believe that this is also true for humans as well.

As a female, there are certain things that I understand about my sex and yet other things that allude me. Men and women purchase things based on very differing criteria. Women base most of their purchasing decisions on what looks good and makes them feel good. Men purchase based on what they absolutely need and most other things are superfluous. Now, keep in mind; men will purchase speed boats and electric guitars that they don't actually need but when they do make those purchases they base their decision on brands and models not by aesthetics but by function over form. When women make these purchasing decisions they do so based on appearances or form over function.

With that being said let's get back to those adorable poop slinging monkeys! I have never understood why women go to salons to pay $100 for their hair to be colored when they can do it at home for $4 and probably do a better job than the actual stylist. Why get a manicure when you can paint your nails at home for the price of the nail polish? Why pay for a massage when your husband/significant other will do it for the price of a blow job? caveat - I'm pretty sure that is also prostitution but I won't tell if you don't.

The bottom line is this: When a woman goes to a salon, she isn't going there to get her hair colored or her nails done. She's going there and paying money because it makes her feel good. It's not necessarily about the end result but more so about the experience and those relaxing endorphins that come with it.

I still can't say that I agree with spending that much money at a salon but at least I can now say that I understand it.

And in an effort to save money and time, I will be purchasing a chimp to do all my grooming; not for free but for a few bananas.

Things That Go Poop In The Night

When we were children, we thought as children and played as children but as adults we must put away childish things. In reality, I wish we could all just stay as children forever. Don't get me wrong, children have lots of problems but they change as we get older. As a child I had nightmares almost every night of being torn to bits by Freddy Krueger; now my nightmares consist of me giving birth to twins and being audited.  Can I go back to the Freddy Krueger dreams? They were a lot less terrifying.

The Perfect Pet

Dogs are great but they require a lot of attention. Cats are terrible for numerous reasons but at least they don't require a lot of affection so they are the perfect 'vacation pet'. Lizards, birds and fish are pretty much only good to look at. Basically, I don't understand anyone who buys a reptile or fowl. It's like hey, why don't you just buy a pretty picture? It also looks cool but won't poop, bite or die.

 Let me tell you about the pet that has all the good qualities of all of these animals combined. The sloth! It is cool to look at. It doesn't require any real attention. But, when you are in a cuddly mood, the sloth will gently hug you while blessing you with its simple smile. It can live in an apartment or a large house. You can just leave it hanging on your shower rod! It is great with kids and adults. You can feed it nuts, dried fruit or fresh fruits and berries. Sloths don't really shed that much at all and they don't make any noise. Now, set your face to stun for the best part...the sloth...only...poops...every...two weeks at the exact same time; in the exact same place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Perfect 'vacation pet'-check.

 My new business model will be selling designer sloths to celebrities. They can hang off their arms on the red carpet...fabulous/adorable.