What's in a Name?

I have discovered that the U.S. Navy will call just about anything a ship or a boat. It doesn't actually have to be a ship or a boat; no that is just a mere formality to the Navy because whatever they say goes! For instance, my fiance (who is in the Navy) told me that the barracks, where they lived during basic training were referred to as 'ships' despite the fact they were not ships and were not even located near a body of water. I love this idea of absolute power and unquestionable authority. To be so powerful as to convince your subordinates into calling items other than ships ships without dissent.

It's like being a child again and believing everthing your parents tell you to be true. I once convinced my little brother that I was 18 years old when I was 10. He didn't figure this out until my mom told him otherwise after he asked her why I couldn't just drive to the store to get him something because I was old enough to drive.

Lies like these don't just happen with the military and families but with the public at large. The Real Housewives of Atlanta are neither housewives nor real yet we totally accept this title. There are 5 women on this show and only one of them is actually married. Also, none of them stay at home; they all have careers. They are also not real in any way shape or form. Their boobs are fake, their hair is fake, their nails are fake and their talent is fake. They are probably one "fake" away from being cyborgs. No one should ever tell these women about SkyNet for fear of them becoming selfaware.

Another misnomer are things that are deemed "homemade" by restaurants. If you are making something outside of an actual home there is absolutely no way that it can be considered homemade. Maybe you could call something homemade if you convinced one of your employees to actually live at said restaurant thus making it their home thus making any items cooked there "homemade". That is the only loophole I can see there.

These are all names that we, as a society, just accept for some reason and for that reason I think that I will just start renaming things and damnit you better accept them as Gospel!

What all these names have in common is the fact that they are all trying to be better than the actual product, as to confuse the consumer, so this is the rule that I will follow in my renaming.

Things that I have renamed:
1. IKEA = FOTT = Funiture of Thunderous Thor!
2. Jay Leno = Conan O'Brien
3. Sarah Palin's Going Rogue = The Bible
4. Cats = Dogs
5. Mcdonalds' = McGreatForYou
6. Jim Belushi = John Belushi
7. Fox News = NPR
8. Culinary Arts School = Harvard
9. Lady GaGa = The Beatles
10.The Nintendo Wii = The Gym

Now you can tell all your friends about how funny Conan was last night when you were studying for that really hard test at Harvard about the cultural relevance of the Bible. But, we know better...don't we.

Tuten-Christem

The Shroud of Turin caused a veritable media storm during the 80's and 90's. People were fasinated by a piece of cloth that might have literally touched the face of God. Finally, Jesus didn't appear on a piece of toast or another pastry or breakfast item for that matter, but something significant; plausable. After much scientific research it was concluded that this, albeit ancient article of cloth, was most likely a fake. Carbon dating was done and it appeared that the cloth was not old enough to have existed when Christ was calculated to have died. Mystery still shrouds this shroud and many still believe that it was the holy cloth that the Christ was buried in at the time of his demise.

But I think I have a better idea as to how Christ was prepared for his tomb. I recently took a trip to the Chicago Field Museum of Natural History. You might remember this museum from the movie Night at the Museum. I was walking through the Egyptian exhibit when a small, about 8 year old girl, pointed to a mummy and then asked her parents, "Is that how they wrapped up Jesus?" It took all of my will power to not start laughing at this child's innocent and adorable question. The idea of Christ as a mummy is hilarious. Her parents were chuckling a little but they didn't want to burst her bubble so they told her maybe, who really knows? In a way, a completely ridiculous and unresearched way, the mummy theory makes sense. Jesus rose from the dead just like mummies are supposed to live forever in the afterlife. The mummies never really died because we still discuss them, look at them in museums and interact with their lives and lifestyles. Christ also never died in our hearts and minds.

Candy Coma

In the very late eighties and thru the early ninities, for just one night a year, I was a trick or treater. As a child I didn't have a lot of freedoms, but then again, what child does have a lot of freedoms? Halloween was the the one time a year that pre-pubesant youths could rally together in the name of, vandalism, terror and above all else sugar. This was the one time you could say "F*ck it all! Tonight (with absolutely no formal training in the martial arts) I am a ninja and I will feast upon the sweetest of fare along side my comrades in mischief!" Halloween allowed kids to dress the way that they felt on the inside, watch rated-R movies until the sun came up and consume enough candy to jumpstart their adult-onset diabetes.

But, alas these days are over. I teach about 20 private music lessons to kids during the week and I asked them all how their Halloween went. They all said that they had a good time but I was horrified when I learned that their parents were keeping the kids' hard earned candy from them?! Apparently, the new trend in Dr. Spock/Atkin's Diet inspired parenting is to take all the candy from the child and only allow him or her a single piece everyday after Halloween until the candy is all gone. This is blasphemy! This ranks up there with saying "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas".

I strongly urge all Americans (12 and under please) to rise up against your middle aged oppressors and take back what is rightfully yours! Grasp Halloween by the malted-milk balls and make it your b*tch! If kids can't have Halloween, what do they have? Nothing! To truly experience Halloween you must eat enough candy, in one sitting, to throw-up until you never want to see candy again until next Halloween. Not doing so, is to never know Halloween. It's like going to college and never doing a keg-stand! Who cares about your 4.0GPA, we want to see the keg-stand! So, remember kids on Halloween you own the night!

Lean Cuisine Birthday

I am convinced that I can do whatever I want today because I had a Lean Cuisine for lunch.
List of Things I can do:
1.Eat my entire birthday cake by myself (birthdays are not for sharing)
2.Drink two bottles (thanks roomey) of wine by myself and then drink copious amounts of beer at Wurstfest.
3.Listen to all my birthday CD's at a full blast and all at the same time (Aaah yess, Phish, Muse and the True Blood soundtrack together at last!)
4.Make an ass out of myself at my friends Halloween party and throw up listed items 1 and 2 all over the seven-layer Halloween dip...yum!
5.Leave (get kicked out of) my friends Halloween party and then get into a highspeed chase with the law because I am a drunk driver.
6.Take the chase to Mexico, where the cops loose me.
7.Become the new Mexican drug lord, in which my new kingpin name will be Doña Loca Cumpleaños.

That's a hell of a birthday...thanks for making it all possible Lean Cuisine! Or should I say, Gracias!

Shit You Don't Need

This edition of "Shit You Don't Need" is entitled "Pampered Chef"

I went to a Pampered Chef party last night with a friend. I got roped into this by my boss who said that she would only go if I went so I went and, of course, my boss is a no show but luckily my friend went with me.

I quickly realized that the Pampered Chef is 1: freaking expensive and 2: f*cking retarded. I realized this when my friend leaned over and said "Oooh look this thing minces garlic and slices it!" My rebuttle was, "Ya, it's called a knife" Then my friend asked why I went to this in the first place and I said I really just wanted to hang out and get free wine and food.

The Pampered Chef catalog was teeming with crap that no one needs. For instance, an avocado knife? What's wrong with using just a regular butter knife? A thing that mashes ground beef, aka a spatula? Spice blends that I could make myself? I am convinced that women will buy literally anything at any price as long as it comes in pretty packaging and all their other female friends are doing it.

My friend said that the point of all these extra kitchen gadgets is to make cooking easier to which I said "It looks like the point of all these extra gadgets is to make me do more dishes; thus spending even more money on my water bill." Which leads me to believe that the Pampered Chef and the Water System is in cahoots...you be the judge. Either way, it's still overpriced stuff that you don't need. The only way that I would buy a $20 spatula would be if that spatula would buy the food, cook the meal and then have sex with me after the meal, wash the dishes and be sure to call me the next day. All of this would occur without me lifting a finger. Now that's a bargain!

Full Circle

So, I have discovered that when attaching the word "wedding" to literally anything you immediately jack up the price of said item by at least ten fold. Let me elaborate.

Me:"So if I want to rent this field I will need to make an initial down payment to hold the reservation, right?"
Event Coordinator:"Yes, that's correct."
Me:"But, it's just a field?"
EC:"Yes."
Me:"So I have to pay you to rent a random field?"
EC:"Yes, and no it's not random, it's made for weddings and other life changing events."
Me:"You can make a field...are you God?"
EC:"Yes, you can and no I'm not."
Me:"How much for the field?"
EC:"$500 per hour."
Me:"For a field?"
EC:"Yes."

In conclusion, I have decided to start renting out random spots in and around San Antonio, in order to pay for my wedding field. Renting fields, in order to pay for a field...now that's full circle!

A Rabbi, A Priest and a Scientist Walk into a Bar...

...and nothing gets accomplished. There is a commercial out right now that states "science is infallible" which is true if only you subtract the human element from the equation. Let me explain. I was proposed to at a museum during a dinosaur exhibit (I know we are nerds) and literally every exhibit stated that the way these bones were fit together were incorrect. These "scientists" wanted their dinosaurs to look a certain way and thus fabricated the monsters that they desired. Only modern day scientists have discovered this grievance. It was once (a few weeks ago) "fact" that early man hunted the mastodon into extinction. Scientists now believe that it was a massive and sudden climate change that did the mastodon in. My mother told me that when she was in nursing school (late seventies early eighties) that her text book said that babies "evolved" in the womb; that they literally went thru all the stages of evolution in the womb. She told me that the man who wrote this was later arrested by the scientific community but that that book had been "fact" for many years.

What I love about God is the fact that I can't "prove" that He exists. Science thinks that it can "prove" things but as long as humans tamper with evidence and refuse to disclose certain truths there will never be a "definite" anything in this universe. Don't get me wrong many religious leaders would argue that their brand of religion is, in fact, definitive but just like science humans turn something pure and infallible into something tarnished and very fallible. I don't claim that my beliefs are infallible because I am the human element at work but as usual I do like to think that I am probably right (because I always am;)

Right now it looks like I can't get anyone to marry me and my fiance because Andrew isn't spiritual enough for my Baptist minister. My other option is a female minister but the Presbyterian church we are getting married at won't let her in the door because she is a lesbian and I can't get married by Andrew's Catholic priest because I am not Catholic. All of this rigamarole because all of these organizations think that they have the definitive answer. Me and Andrew don't fit into any of these equations because we don't fit their definitive molds of religion. This is a difficult time for me, Andrew and our faith but I just have to remember that it is the human element at play here. God knows us and our hearts. Maybe if a Rabbi, a Priest and a scientist actually sat down at a bar the end result wouldn't be a joke but a miracle; something beautiful.

Saw this; thought of you!

This was in the dumpster outside my apartment. I guess there's just no room in this world for old smelly mattresses=(

Eat, Pray, Whore Myself Across India

Disclaimer: This is a movie/book review done by someone who has not read/seen this movie/book. Enjoy.

Eat, Pray, Love is a movie/book about a woman who ditches her corporate job to "find" herself in India, Bali and Italy.
Problem no. 1: Why do I have to travel to "find" myself? Can't I just take a couple of weeks off and do something slightly less expensive like join a church, take a painting class or go to a museum (and try to sneek in as a 12 yr. old to get the kids price?). Well, not according to Eat, Pray, Love.
Problem no. 2: How does one "find" oneself? Did my former self leave me a series of clues like a scavenger hunt? If I ran away without telling anyone do I really want to find that person again anyways? He sounds like a real douche.
Problem no. 3: I liked this movie better when it was called "How Stella Got Her Groove Back"
Problem no. 4: It must be really easy to "find" yourself when you are independently wealthy. Just like being skinny is easier when you are rich. i.e. personal trainers and fancy foods. If I had been in this movie/book it would have been called "Eat, Pray, Whore Myself Across India" because I wouldn't be able to afford to get back to America where whoring is illegal.
Problem no. 5: Shut up Julia Roberts!! You play the SAME character in every movie you have ever done!! I want to see Julia Roberts in a slap stick comedy about CGI dogs who rescue their town from an alien invasion. (Now that is an acting range) Or Perhaps, a Quentin Tarantino film where Roberts plays a one-eyed zombie hooker who is back from the grave to exact her revenge on her former occult pimp, who turned her into the one-eyed zombie hooker she is today. (It's got Oscar written all over it!)

In conclusion: If you are a middle aged, middle class, white woman with 1.5 kids you will probably love this movie/book. Everyone else? Hope you're ready to whore yourself across India!

Weddings and tradition (Music)

So, apparently I'm getting married? (Hurrah!) I really want to have a reality show based on my wedding exploits however, it wouldn't be a very good show because I don't go on enough "tyraids". So, I thought I would start one here in hopes of becoming a BRAVO/TLC/Style Network bitch of the moment mega star!

This tyraid is on traditional wedding music. I thought that building a family was about STARTING traditions. Apparently not. Let me esplain. Me and my fiance have already picked out a church. At said church I am only allowed to use their organist and I can also only use sacred or classical music for the actual ceremony. When I protested, I was told that these were my only musical choices because a marriage ceremony is actually a "worship service". What?! Look, I love tiny baby Jesus as much as the next guy but common! I highly doubt anyone is going to be getting "saved" at my wedding. However, since it is apparently a "worship service" I am now demanding a full-on gospel choir with the congregation singing and worshiping with hands raised to the heavens thru cries of jubilation. I also require someone to speak in tongues during the exchanging of vows, just to shake it up a bit during the boring parts. Something tells me this will make the old ladies at this church even angrier than my original "tame" request to have Billy Idol's White Wedding played as I walked down the aisle after the ceremony.

The other choice, classical music, makes even less sense. I can't have the Bowie but I can have Bach's Toccata and Fugue??!! I literally asked the church's wedding organizer this question and she said yes. (that's the funny part) For those of you who don't know, this Bach piece is the one that is most often associated with vampire films and the occult. Bach was a protestant, so I know this was not his original intent for this piece of music, but either way that is what it has become. So, now I can have vampire music as I walk down the aisle but Idol is right out. I wonder if Billy Idol knows that his music is more sacreligious than actual vampire music? Someone should contact him.

Tyraid, over. Look for more wedding tyraids in the weeks to come! Stay tuned!

I Go Where The Candy Goes

This Independence Day fell on a Sunday so I was at church. Our pastor has teaching time with the children of the congregation which is usually adorable and funny. This time our pastor asked one particular child what the 4th of July was about. The child did not know.

 I find that if a holiday does not involve candy and/or presents kids don't concern themselves with the meaning of the holiday. And who can blame them? If this holiday wanted to be more respected it would start doling out the candy and pronto!

So anyways, since the child did not know what the origin of the 4th of July was our pastor gave him a hint. He said,"It's when we celebrate our independence from what country?" The child stuttered and said,"It's umm...when we ummm...got seperated from...ummm...oh yeah! MEXICO!!" I think it's funny that we are soo far removed from europe that it is no longer even on our radar. But let's also keep in mind that every child here has experienced Mexican candy and raspas and when was the last time you heard of someone eating British candy? Gross. I go where the candy goes.

No Fatties

Alot of people (I'm looking in your direction europe!) like to make fun of the U.S. for being so obese and for the most part they have the right because most of us are fat. But, the U.S. military has a strict "no fatties" requirement for all recruits across all branches. What is interesting here is that if any other job required its employees to maintain a certain weight, that would be considered discrimination and that fatty could probably sue that employer on such grounds. The military can get away with this "discrimination" because, well...they have tanks. Hooters can be sued for not hiring male servers. Airlines can be sued when a rotund passenger is forced to purchase two seats based on his or her size. An all Jewish school can be sued for not admitting gentiles. The list goes on and on. I'm sure I could come up with a reason why my last job prospect didn't hire me...perhaps Mal-Interview Skills Syndrome or MISS for short. It's a social disorder...that I might have made up, but that's not the point! The point is, we should be holding ourselves to higher standards like the military does. Instead of sueing someone because they hurt our feelings maybe (and I know this sounds crazy) we should take some initiative and loss weight or take a communications class or get gender re-assignment surgery (for the Hooter's guy...jk...or am I?) The bottome line is, if my job told me that I was going to be fired over 15 lbs. I'd start running around in trash bags until the weight came off and that is exactly what new military recruits do who need to lose the weight to follow their dreams. If it's good enough for the best military on the planet, it's good enough for me.

Baby machine

Let me start off by saying that I am not a feminist, environmentalist or democrat however I do a pretty good job of blurring the lines between, democrat/republican, feminist/masogonist and environmentalist/get yer hippy b.s. out of my yard! What I mean to say is that I am constantly finding myself in the middle. I think that Keith Oberman, Shaun Hannity, Glenn Beck and Rachel Maddow should all be given a controversal news topic and then sent to a remote desert island to fight to the death about the subject.

I think that no matter how far women make it in the world we are still just expected to get married and have babies. We go to school only to meet guys to father our children. We spend massive amounts of money on our degrees only to never use them again because we now have children to take care of. Don't get me wrong there are a lot of working mothers out there but I don't know if I really agree with that either. We live in a society that wants our cake, that wants to eat our cake and that wants to start a massive food fight with the leftover cake. Audry Hepburn once said that she didn't want children because it would cause her to be a bad parent and a bad professional. It would hurt all aspects of her life. On the other hand we are currently living in a double in-come society. If both parents don't work it's almost impossible to support a family. I don't really have any answers to this situation (the only time I will admit to NOT having an answer) but I think this is an important subject to talk about out in the open.

In these times is it really so selfish to just not want children? Is it really so selfish to be a stay-at-home mom? Is it really so selfish to have a successful career and no children? No matter how far women's rights advance we are still mostly valued for our reproductive capabilities and how we use that asset. Almost all female controversy stems from this unique capability; birth control, abortion, IVF, STD's, sex education. I might not have an answer to any of these touchy subjects but I would appreciate a more open dialogue about them without fear of persecution or just being called "selfish" for not complying to the status quo.

Wal-Mart Preacher

Today, as I was turning into to Chick-Fil-A for my $5/1,000calorie chicken sandwich, I almost got into a wreck...almost. Apparently, a bald man, wearing a WWE RAW t-shirt and wielding a Bible was yelling at those driving by. I could hear someone yelling behind me and I assumed something logical (how stupid of me) like someone was hurt and yelling for help, I had inadvertenly hit something or someone and someone was trying to alert me or I was being ushered into the wal-mart parking lot by an over zealous father of a local boyscout troupe that desperately needs to sell the last bit of their delicious popcorn. (side note: this is why you fail boyscouts, no one wants stale popcorn. We want stale cookies sold by adorable little girls...duh!)

Anyways, what amazed me was this man's telepathic powers! Normally, when someone drives past me I have no idea if they are a trans-vestite, homosexual, an alcoholic (although, sometimes I can tell if they are an alcoholic), a pervert, hindu, Christian, Jewish, Muslim; call me crazy but I just can't tell! This man, on the other hand, was a telepathic genius. He KNEW if you were a homosexual AND he knew what Bible verse to yell at you?! How did he do it?!! Grant it, if you were driving a Saturn you'd probably be gay or at least a little by-curious. So, he might have been able to guess that one. But, the list continues. He KNEW if you were a pervert and that's a tough one to guess. He knew a specific prayer for the perverts driving by in their Nissan Maximas...amazing.

Here's my question Wal-Mart preacher. If you are, in fact, a telepathic (which I believe you are) then why don't you use your powers for something bigger. I mean, I'm sure the FBI would want a complete list of proven homosexuals in the tri-state area. Because like you said, "We all know their terrorists!". Also, I would think that the FBI would also be interested in your Biblical knowledge because what good is KNOWING where all the homosexuals are if you can't cure them?? And don't stop there! If you, Wal-Mart preacher, are able to cure the gays then I'm sure you can cure the Muslims of their Muslimness...right??

Well, I believe in you Wal-Mart Preacher and now, with the help of my helpful tips, perhaps you can start frying bigger fish. Or should I say bigger, gayer, Muslimyer fish!

Girlfriend, Australian for Coaster

Going Vrogue

It has recently been brought to my attention that the two best-selling books, right now, are Sarah Palin's Going Rogue and Stephanie Meyer's Twilight saga. The Twilight saga has garnered much attention and the spin-offs are in abundance. Bookstores are now carrying anything that is vampire related. HEB carries a vampire wine and, worst of all, teenagers now believe that all their pent up angst, hostilities and sexual frustations will now pay off in either a major book deal or motion picture.

 Vampires are nothing new and teeny-bopper love affairs are even older, (Romeo and Juliet, Samson and Delilah anyone?). But, put the two together and you have a blood sucking, estrogen filled, money spending fourteen year old on your hands. I can't say that I BlAME Stephanie Meyer, she must love money and  she produced a blood soaked book that can deliver the bucks. I also love money and would jump at the chance to take advantage of middle school girls' parents; who are willing to buy anything that might induce a smile from their little princesses' tortured goth soul. Stephanie Meyer decided on the theme of money, in order to make money. What fictitious demographic is always wealthy? Vampires. Vampires are always wealthy. They are wealthy because they have been given an unholy eternity to roam the night, aquire antiques and learn sexy foreign languages. I, on the other hand, if given an eternity of youth and black lipstick, would spend my time mastering the art of channel surfing, collecting cheap airport novels and playing catch up on season 1 of True Blood. So, am I the only lazy vampire here? Why are all vampires so damn pro-active about life...er...death...er, dammit.

This is the issue that I will tackle in my new novel Going Vrogue. "Vick Von Fangson (try saying that ten times fast) was a 1980's business mogul, pro-golfer and loving father of three. Vick's life was spent between Reganomics, 9 irons and soccer practice. This family man was being stretched in three different directions and sometimes he wished he was dead just so he could catch a break! Luckily for Vick, death turned out to be his lucky day! Now that Vick is officially a member of the Undead Society he has all the time in the world to just sit back, watch a little golf and relax, right? Not if VAMP (Vampires Against Moratory Persons) has anything to say about it. Oh and did I mention, VAMP's party leader Sarah ImPalin really has it in for the undead world's newest and laziest vampire Vick...and to make matters worse, he's a democrat." If you liked Going Rogue and the Twilight saga get ready for the wildest, blood sucking, Republican ride of your life! Vick Von Fangson will have you laughing and wishing you had spent your formidable years watching re-runs of The Golden Girls instead of learning French and piano like all those other boring vampires. Look out GOP because here comes the laziest vampire of all time!

Dear Teach for America,

Why didn't you hire me? Was it because of the fact that I have never missed a deadline? Was it because my organizational skillz are kept inside of my noggin? Is it because I am tooo sexy? (probably not) Is it because I was over qualified? Is it becaue I am NOT smarter than a 5th grader? Was it because you saw this blog? Ya, it's probably because you saw this web log. At least YOU were super professional when you DIDN'T call me for my phone interview that I had setup with you. Also, you didn't even apologize for that, hmmm, Miss Manners is wagging her righteous finger at you! Why did you make my friends fill out Letters of Recommendation when you didn't even read them? Don't get me wrong I love wasting time but I try not to waste other people's time...unless it involves kite flying.

But enough about me, what about the children? Or as Paula Deen would say, "the chil'ren's." Think about what they will be missing out on. They will never learn how to properly air guitar, fight fisticuffs, curse at other children in German, play hookey, knee-pit fart or properly assemble a box kite! These are life lessons people! History, English, Math, Science all these disciplines are worthless if you don't know how to rock. What good is English if you don't know all the best curse words like #$$^#%&#$%FGF? What good is Math if you don't know how to use it to cheat at Black Jack? What good is History if you don't know where the first sounds of rock 'n' roll were heard? (It was Valhalla) What good is Science if you don't know how to construct a Peter Frampton Talk Box that also doubles as a bong? THESE are valuable skills that people would pay for. Or maybe not.

GFK

Being a venture capitalist isn't easy. First, you must make a venture on something. Second, you must believe in the teachings of capitalism. Third, you must believe in your product/company and I whole heartedly believe in innappropriatekites.com.

I have no idea if the domain name has been taken (I'm sure that it has) but I can think up other domain names should the situation require such a redress. Other domain names include, but are not limited to, dikesandkites.com, for the lesbian kite enthusiast; fightkites.com, immortalizing famous fights through out history in kite form; anatomicallykorrectkites.org, the non-profit organization that champions the plights of those who suffer from anatomic anomallies such as feet for hands and vice versa.

There is so much to be said in the medium of kites and as far as I'm concerned the more taboo the better. Nothing would make me ponder racial equality more than gazing upon Nelson Mandela's stoic face sailing the high seas of the stratosphere, accompanied by a trail of bows leading him back down to earth, on a warm spring day. Or perhaps, the visage of Hitler, entrapped inside of a box kite with Star's of David emblazoned on the outer layer of the box kite. Kites have always served as a great form of self expression. The colors for instance. Most kites display the entire spectrum of colors thus giving way to the obvious rainbow flag of gay right's activists. Other kites take the form of fighter jets attacking their fellow kites in the eternal struggle of the bourgeoisie versus the proliteriate.

People tend to forget about kites. When you go to the park you remember to bring a pic-nic basket, a dog (if you have one) a ball (of some sort) and perhaps a fishing pole or frisbee. But, what about the kite? Well, if you would like to make a bold new statement via kite, be on the look out for innappropriatekites.com!

Snakes on a Tire

So, I went to Discount Tires today to get my tires fixed. They had nails and screws in them, apparently. But, that was not the odd part of my little outing. While discussing my tire woes with a Discount Tire sales associate, I noticed another customer standing in line with a baby boa constrictor wrapped around his heavily tattooed arm. At first glance, I envisioned this assailant holding up the Discount Tire at snake point but then I quickly realized that was foolish and that this man with a reptile was simply in need of some tire assistance. My salesman was so flabergasted by this occurrence that he openly laughed at the snake man right in his unassuming face. My sales associate wasn't being rude because he didn't have time to even think about being rude. He was in shock and just reacted on raw adrenaline. He later confessed to me that he is terrified of snakes.

I have absolutely no idea why anyone would consciously bring a pet snake with them to a tire shop or any place, other than a vet or the set of an Indiana Jones movie. However, this got me to thinking. Are there leash laws for snakes like there are for dogs? If a snake bites a pedestrian does that snake have to wear a tiny snake muzzle when out and about with its person? Is a snake owner forced by law to pick up the snake poop that it leaves at city parks? Can I have my snake neutered? Can I have a seeing-eye-snake? The questions still remain but I'm happy that I wasn't robbed at snake point in a Discount Tires.

How to Win at the Olympics

Bi-athelon: This winter sport consists of cross-country skiing and sharp shooting. This is an ideal game for KGB opperatives working in sub-zero conditions who are hunting down James Bond. This sport is basically a race to see who finishes with the best time while making it to certain check points to shoot your rifle at unsuspecting Olympic fans. These Olympians race while their rifles are slung around their backside, like 5th graders with Power Ranger backpacks, except these backside parcels are far more dangerous than the red ranger. It is painfully obvious how one could easily win this race: Shoot the skier in front of you...instant gold medal and KGB consideration.

Men's Half-Pipe:Be Shaun White

Skeleton: This is basically the same as the luge except you are now racing around an ice-track at 90mph head first instead of feet first. First of all, if you participate in this death race you are stupid and clearly want to die. Second of all, you are also a sick freak because you have invited your friends and family to this event and now they are going to watch you slam head first into an NBC camera-man, killing yourself and probably the camera-man too. How to win this race: Don't be in this race. If you are in it you are going to die and medals can't be awarded to dead people. End of story.

Curling: I know that it has been said before, "Why is this a sport?" Curling might be the wisest winter sport of all because it does not include an element of death. You could die in literally any one of the varied sports at the winter olympics except for curling. Why do people make fun of this? The summer olympics contain no death elements i.e. swimming in a straight line, running in a straight line, throwing something in a straight line and jumping in a straight line. Yet, for some reason, the summer olympics are far more popular than the winter olympics. Nothing is more entertaining than watching someone who could die at any moment. Yeah, it's macabre but let's face it, that's why we watch! Curlers are smart because they do not want to die, and I don't blame them. How to win a curling match: Add a death element like covering your curling stone in medieval spikes or using giant razor blades attached to the broom handle instead of actual brooms. Heck, I'd watch that!