Non-Sports

"I'm not racist but..." We have all heard someone start a sentence off with this justification and the statement often means that this person is, indeed, racist. This mentality can also be applied to cheerleaders. Not that cheerleaders are racist. No, I would never infer that. Although, I'm sure some cheerleaders are racist? Probably? I mean, we've all seen the film Bring It On and almost ALL of those cheerleaders were racist. Ok, I think it's a fair statement to say that SOME cheerleaders are racist just like saying SOME beet farmers are Jedi Knights....I mean, it's statistically plausible.

Alright, this has clearly escalated so let's forget about racism for just one second and then after that second has passed I will let you get back to your regularly scheduled racism.

 If you have to remind people that you aren't racist it's because people assume that you might be racist. Here is that same justification applied to a different situation. If you have to remind people that your sport is a sport then that activity is not a sport. I recently watched a sports section of the news which covered everything from wrestling to football and ONLY cheer leading felt the need to scroll the phrase "CHEER LEADING IS A SPORT" across the screen. Apparently, the viewers did not need to be reminded that hockey is a sport or baseball, swimming, tennis, soccer....you know, sports.

There are so many reasons why cheer leading is not a sport but here are just a few. These simple guidelines will also help you define other ambiguous activities as SPORTS or NON-SPORTS.

Ask yourself these questions when determining whether or not an activity is a 'sport' or not.

Does the 'sport' in question have playing cards of famous players?
Does the 'sport' have famous players?
Are there any 'fantasy leagues' associated with this pass time?
Is there a team mascot?
Does the 'sport' have fans?
Are these 'fans' your mom and other cheer leaders?
Are hot dogs and hamburgers sold during these 'sporting' events?
Could you purchase season tickets or box seats to this 'sport'?
Does illegal betting take place before or during this 'sport'?
Does this 'sport' have intramural leagues after college?
Must you rise for the singing of the National Anthem before official play begins?

I have surmised that according to these guidelines cheer leading does not fall under the category of 'sport' but under 'non-sport' or 'athletics'. Don't be sad cheer leading. You stand amongst other great 'non-sports' such as hiking, synchronized swimming, speed walking and ice-fishing. At least you're not racist...that we know of.

P.S. Do NOT Google 'Racist Cheerleaders' unless you want to find ACTUAL racist cheerleaders. You have been warned.

Me Vs. Evil Dead

Do you know how I know that I am truly evil? Scars bitches. I have a very noticeable/distinct scar right below my neck. As a kid, I absolutely hated it. To be truthful, I still hate it and anyone who says, "love your flaws" is a two-timing liar who also, doesn't have any REAL flaws. But, getting back to how I know I'm evil. As mentioned, I have a scar but that's not the total story. This, bitches, is where the plot thickens....I have NO CLUE as to how I got this mark!!!! To answer your questions, no I did not black out on a drug induced bender, no I did not wrestle a mighty bear in the Smokey Mountains and no, it's not an 'old 'Nam wound' (I think I may have perpetuated that last myth myself).

Literally, no clue, it just showed up one day around age 8. My mom even took me to the dermatologist because we were afraid it might be some sort of cancer.Total Recall was in the box office, at the time, and we needed to be absolutely POSITIVE that I was not going to, one day, sprout a tiny parasitic twin. The doctor reassured us that it was just normal scar tissue (no parasitic twin was found, dammit) and that there were no viable options to get rid of it. At the time, no one believed my story of total ignorance because I was just a kid...or DAMIAN?! To this day, I have no recollection of what happened to me to deserve such an eternal branding. Apparently, I am not alone either. Recent medical studies have found others with my same story or lack of origin story. I call these people "Fellow Bitches".

In some ways I am grateful, if it wasn't for this twisted deformity, I might not have evolved into the spiteful bitch you see here today. I might have grown up loving the color pink, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, cheer leading and should I even say the words??? BARBIE DOLLS. Those last words actually caused a sharp pain in my scar.

To sum up: Good guys don't have scars, bad guys have scars. Unless, you are Harry Potter but even that famous blemish was still the mark of evil. Just like Ash from Evil Dead, my scar isn't going anywhere and Ash will never get his hand back. These pieces of our bodies belong to the dark lord. Luckily, my evil only manifests itself in snide comments and shenanigans....for now.

Wasted Saturday

Found this website via thebloggess.com, it's called dreamscopeapp.com, pretty radical stuff. This is what happens when you are severely jet-lagged and suffer from chronic motivation deficiency disorder or MDD for short. If you have nothing better to do with your day then I suggest wasting it away by seeing what you would have looked liked had Picasso painted you.

My only critique: There should be a Frida Kahlo filter in which the program just gives you one huge eyebrow. What if a "face" is not detected? Then fuck it. Put that eye caterpillar on whatever object IS in your photo. One giant eyebrow over a couch....that's an app I could get lost in.

Expert Food Blogging Tips

Pro-tip: While at your local hip cafe be sure to bring your laptop, dope sunglasses, blasé attitude and iphone to Instagram your hip coffee and pastry.

Why you ask? Because then the adorable owner will enlighten you on all his glorious confections in the pastry case. He uses only European butter in the hand made Mexican conchas mixed with Mexican vanilla and then allows the dough to rest for 24 hours instead of the pedestrian 8. You will also be given copious amounts of free samples that the other civilian customers could only dream of. Our friendly neighborhood pastry chef goes out of his way to give you a unique experience because he believes that you are a food blogger due to the fact that you are actually blogging and taking pics of your food.

What this entrepreneur doesn't know is that you are, in fact, NOT a food blogger. You blog about things like, "Can I fill my Culligan water cooler with vodka?", "Girl Scout cookies that are past their prime," "Am I too old for ripped jeans and crop tops" and "Who wants to pay for my master's degree in linguistics so that I can work for S.H.I.E.L.D".

It's ok, I will take the free Mexican concha and coffee and I will even pimp out your business right here, on this blog that no one reads!

Thanks again, La Panaderia in San Antonio, you are the best panaderia this side of the Rio Grande.

Damn I'm Good at Books!

"Childe Roland to the dark tower came" -Robert Browning. This sentence has pursued me for many years. It has haunted my steps from high school thru college and now into my adult hood thru Stephen King's Dark Tower series, Harper Lee's Go Set a Watchman and Neil Gaiman's Sandman series.

These were all books that I loved, for one reason or another, and yet the one literary reference binding all these great novels together remained somewhat of a mystery to me. "Childe Roland to the dark tower came". Who is this mysterious "Roland" character and what/where is this equally peculiar "dark tower" edifice?

In some ways, Roland is everyone and no one. Anyone can identify with the secretive stranger, the wanderer and the forever alone; and yet, we can never fully understand him. This romantic figure is the part of us who is searching and trapped by the inevitability of his own fate, doomed in a sense. Doomed to repeat the same mistakes, unable to see the outcome of his repetitive actions. He is lacking in self-honesty, swollen with guilt and swimming in dread, living in the eye of the storm. Perhaps he catches a glimpse of his future thru the storm but the god machine sends him forth, sends him to his destiny, despite his many protests.

Providence is the "dark tower". The tower looms as a great magnetic force that can protect or eliminate, a terrible Shiva whom we are ever drawn towards like flies to the warm glow of incandescent light. The bringer of life and the destroyer of worlds waits for all her children to return to her, one day.

Are these figures a-moral? Are we to blame for our blindness or should we accuse the creator for our lack of foresight? What is your 'dark tower'? Are you living within the tower or in search of it? It would be wonderful to have these answers but such solutions require a lot of hallucinogenic drugs.

Zumba Bros

During the vetting process of new trends I often ask myself, "Do men participate?" Always ask yourself this question. Men are very pragmatic and so are feminists like myself. If men (on average) don't participate in a fad it's probably because the trend costs money or is just dumb and unnecessary to life, in general. Here are some examples of supposedly gender neutral trends:

Juice Cleanse: Dudes do not juice cleanse
Detox Diets: Dudes do not detox
Facials: Dudes DO facials but it has a totally different meaning to them
SnapChat: Exception, Justin Bieber who is a douche (his own personal category)
Astrology: Dudes don't need the stars to tell them that they are gonna play Xbox all day, mystery solved.
Zumba: Men probably enjoy watching Zumba but not participating

There are always exceptions to this rule. Gay men and men trying to please the girlfriend/wife. These men don't count. Not to take away their personage but for the purposes of this study they count as either lemmings or a unique category unto themselves.

Can you think of any other gender neutral activities or fads that men do NOT participate in? Let me know so that I can continue this groundbreaking study.

Justifying a Justifiable Justification

Smoking: if you smoke about 5 to 6 cigarettes a day, everyday for a year you will have spent around $1,000 to $2,000 a year. Was it worth it?

Some stupid fad supplement that you probably don't need: average cost, only $4 a day! Your health is worth $4 a day.

Now let's flip the narrative.

Smoking: Only $5 a day! Calms your nerves, allows you to meet new and interesting people and nicotine is a proven appetite suppressant. Lose weight and gain friends for a matter of a few dollars.

Some stupid fad supplement that you probably don't need: $1,500 a year for a trial that didn't work. Was it worth it?

Here's the deal. Can we stop justifying everything we do? Can we just simply do a thing without applying complex mathematics to make sure that it is worth it? These math problems were created for propaganda purposes, whether they are for good or evil. Look thru the veil and make your own educated decisions. Do some research. Money is no object. Don't get bogged down by the math and the PR/Marketing machine. Always play the devil's advocate to see if there is a scheme behind something or a pattern between two seemingly unrelated topics.

Meanwhile, I will continue to stream movies on Netflix because it's only $0.26 a day, or $7.99 a month or $96 a year...however you care to look at it, good or bad. I just really like watching movies. Isn't that enough?