What Really Goes Bump in the Night

The myth of the vampire is fascinating to me because in modern day culture this stoic fiend is seen as some sort of benevolent god type figure. He has the power to destroy but chooses to sit idle while wrestling with his own demons, humanity or lack thereof. He falls in love, he denounces his true nature and would rather die than take the life of an innocent in order to sustain his already long life.

I take issue with this narrative because this is a figure who has lived for centuries and it would be nearly impossible for him to remain pure or even have feelings left, at all. Put aside the blood lust, the night stalking, transmogrification and lack of reflection and we find a human; a human being who can't die but is forced to roam the earth for eternity with no one who can understand him on any level. Centuries of intelligence are at his fingertips but often that sagacity is unchecked and lonely.

Now imagine an old man. The senior citizen who yells at kids, thru his denture filled mouth, to get off his lawn, Someone who is somewhat of a recluse. The news angers him, music angers him and most of all people anger him. Of course, we are all familiar with the "sweet little old lady" type figure but remember this is the very same "sweet little old lady" who probably uses the 'N' word and has no problem telling you the cold hard truth to your face but she knits and bakes cookies so I guess that makes up for the racism and unsolicited advice, right? Take a look at your own life, for instance. At age 8 you couldn't keep from crying as your only pet goldfish surfed his last wave to the big toilet in the sky. Now, at age 38, you can barely muster a tear at a grandparents' funeral. Are you evil? Or have you just lived long enough to realize that the tears don't matter? The flood of salty water flowing so freely from your eyes can't stop death. It is inevitable. The cycle continues. The only difference is that now you see the spiral completely. A cold, black, unblinking, bird's eye view of life.

It stands to reason that anyone, left to their own devices for centuries, would end up (by our modern, human, standards) evil. How can you watch the same mistakes being made over and over again throughout time and country and not become jaded, not view humanity as cattle? What would any of it matter to you? Oh sure, you've tried to warn mankind of their doom but that was 200 years ago, and did anyone listen to you? No, they threw stones at you and called you monster. But who is the real monster? Perhaps, it is the ones who have no memory. Who won't live long enough to remember. Sure, they don't suck blood but how many have they killed and for what reasons? Stalin, Hitler, Mao Zedong, Trump, what does it matter?  They will never see the error of their ways because they don't know that an error was ever made. But you, you everlasting demon, you remember, don't you? You remember the revolutions, the fear, the hate and in a few years or centuries (perhaps? hopefully?) you will see it all again, as if, for the first time. No remorse from those who perpetrated these events because they have no memory of their ill deeds. Those were 'others' from another time, or another place. I," I "would never uphold such values as hatred, fear mongering and bigotry! However, you, oh tireless Nosferatu, know my lies. You know the outcome, don't you? Humanity hides it's ugly deeds under the veil of religion or freedom all while you hide your blood lust under cover of darkness. Are we so different? You and I? I'm not so sure anymore. The lines have become blurred.

But, there is a difference, isn't there? I am human. I lie but I also believe my lies. You are legend. You lie but you are smart enough, evil enough, not to believe your own lies. You know exactly what you are and yet are powerless to change. I don't know what I am but I am powerFUL to change...and yet, I don't choose to change. Now, I ask you again, who is the true monster here?

Methanol Free

Some things in life go without saying. Imagine, if you will, a few slogans. "Public Schools: Now with Less Pedophiles!", "Hospitals: Got Drugs?" "Alabama: 30% Less Racism than 1960's Alabama!", "Milk: Made from Cows" or "Politics: Now with Transparency and Honesty". Disclaimers can be very disconcerting. Why are these updates needed in the first place? Did my public school employ sex-offenders? Can I get drugs from hospitals? You mean politics haven't always been trustworthy? Of course, these slogans are facetious but the photos that you are about to see are highly disturbing.

My husband and I purchased this bottle of Israeli anise flavored liquor. Seemingly harmless...right? Well, once we got the bottle home, we started to read the back label of this mysterious middle eastern beverage. Much to our surprise, we discovered that this alcohol is "NOW METHANOL FREE". 

The CDC's description of methanol is as follows: Methanol is a toxic alcohol that is used industrially as a solvent, pesticide and alternative fuel source. 

Ummm, am I gonna go blind? Did this apertif previously contain methanol? Can I put this liquid in the gas tank of my car? Can I use it to clean tar off the road? Can I put it in a spray bottle and kill things with it....like bugs....or humans....but probably just bugs...probably. I feel like, if you are a distiller, you shouldn't have to remind your customers that your product does not contain a PESTICIDE or INDUSTRIAL SOLVENT. But, that's just me. What do I know?

If you were wondering, we did drink this stuff and so far no blindness, dementia or death has occurred.  More testing is necessary. It's 5 o'clock somewhere. 

I'm Allergic to the Rules

Last year for Halloween, my costume was Ace Ventura Pet Detective. So naturally, when I found out that the Miami Dolphin cheerleaders were headed to my area's local high school football game for morale, I instantly knew that this was a photo-op for Ace.

One day my commitment to comedy will either severely injure me or get me arrested...probably both. My friend stood on the sidelines egging me on to run onto the field during the girls' cheer routine and score a classic, fake, Ace Ventura-style touch down. The only reason I didn't do this was due to the fact that I work at the school district. It actually caused my body real, physical pain to stand by the in-zone and act like a pseudo-adult, dressed in drag and wearing a tutu.

I don't know why I'm like this but I just really hate stupid rules. Every morning I refuse to use the cross walk to get to work and every morning I get yelled at by the Nazi crosswalk monitor. "You need to be an example for the kids!" And I'm like, "I'm being a GREAT example for the kids! I'm teaching them to think for themselves and to always question THE MAN!" The jury is still out on who "The Man" is but I'm pretty sure he's part of the PC movement/sugar is bad for you/the sun is bad for you/everything is cancer movements. Ugh, I really hate that guy. I think he's also the one who put 'parental guidelines' on video games. He ruined my childhood because my mom wouldn't let me buy Mortal Combat for the Super Nintendo. But, I digress.

Following a rule that makes sense doesn't bother me at all; it's really just the small insignificant ones that make me go crazy! What stupid rules bother you? How do you stick it to 'The Man'?

Rage Shopping

BUY ALL THE THINGS!!!!!

People deal with stress in different ways. Some over-eat, some under-eat or bite their fingernails. Others get ulcers, a rash or pull their own hair out. I can't say that I have never suffered from any of the aforementioned afflictions but right now my biggest stress reducer is rage shopping.

 In order to rage shop, first, work yourself into a rage over work, family, friends or the obscene cost of nail polish nowadays (I'm looking right at you Butter London) then blindly log onto Amazon.com and purchase bullshit until the stress is alleviated. A few items that have helped to relieve my stress have been a giant inflatable pool unicorn, earrings shaped like lips and every movie Chris Hemsworth has ever starred in, no matter how shitty that movie was. Typically, the more asinine the object, the greater powers of healing it holds over your unchecked rage/stress. Turning on really loud heavy metal music while online shopping also helps to 'break' the rage. Much like a high fever a good rage needs to be broken with high intensity rock music and the bleeding of your bank account into the pockets of whoever works for Amazon.

 Beware, do NOT buy things that you actually need. For some reason that will only make you angrier and more stressed out. I can't tell you the science behind this but I do know that it exists.

How do you deal with stress? Seriously, I need to know. I just purchased a mug that says, 'Adios Bitchachos'. I can't go to bankruptcy court and explain to the judge that, 'Your Honor, you see, I was in a deep rage and I NEEEDED this mug that said Adios Bitchachos....for therapeutic reasons....Your Honor." See, I can already tell, that's not gonna go well...and it's stressing me out.

A Eulogy

Hit puree!

Product Review: 4-month-old Vitamix $449 Vs. 15-year-old Sunbeam blender $25

The Vitamix is a lumbering machine built for brute force with high-end torque.

The Sunbeam is from Wal-Mart and makes no promises.

Personal Testimony: My Vitamix has made approximately 4 smoothies and 2 salsa batches. Today this mighty apparatus was brought to its knees by a hummus recipe. I swear to God those chick peas took one look at my modern, counter-top, marvel and said, "FUCK YOU TECHNOLOGY". These gangsta garbanzo beans were also wearing Ray Bans and smoking. Which really should have tipped me off to their malevolence.

Personal Testimony: My Wal-Mart Sunbeam blender lasted me thru college right up until this year. It wasn't broken, mind you, I just wanted to level up to the Vitamix like an actual adult. This old blender wasn't fancy or pretty but dammit if it didn't do it's job. Just like a hipster juice bar in SoHo, this blender might take all day to make one smoothie, in small batches, while being terribly annoyed about having to do work, but it WILL get the job done.

In Conclusion: I wish I had appreciated you more Sunbeam. I should have told you how much I appreciated you everyday. Instead, I threw you to the curb. I placed you in a yard sale with a tag that said, "50 cents". Why was I so cold to you? You were the glue in this family. You were the steady rock. You were always there for us, blending your little heart out.

Tonight, before you go to bed talk with your appliances, tell them you appreciate them and that you will care for them in their old age and not cast them aside for a newer, sleeker model. It might be the last chance you get.

Gimme All The Free Shit

So, my last vacation sucked out all my money like a broke vampire and now I need to come up with things to do that are free or nearly free. Help me think people! This is what I have so far. I am a fan of lists...if you couldn't already tell.

1.Slothing (duh)

2.Cow tipping

3.Making crop circles

4.Find a sleeping homeless man and shave his beard off

5.Remove all the oranges from my neighbors tree but leave a pitcher of orange juice then leave a note that reads, "You got squeezed bitch!"

6. Go to Victoria's Secret, take all the free catalogs, draw booby tassles on all the models, bring catalogs back to store, as if nothing ever happened. (side note, apparently I don't know how to spell 'catalog' cuz I made it all French for some reason by adding a 'ue' in there instead of an 'o'? Auto-correct then informed me that I am not that fancy and I'm dumb cuz can't spell)

7. Feed Pop Rocks to a cat

8. Pretend to be insane for a day in order to get all the free hospital food and drugs

9. Aquire an enemy and then graffiti that enemies home with the words, "THIS GUY SELLS WEED! BUY YOUR WEED FROM THIS GUY"

10. Re-evaluate my poor life choices

The Queen of Sheba

I don't always write about my travel experiences mostly because I don't want this to turn into a travel blog but with that being said here are some thoughts that I had while on vacation in Israel.

This past month we visited Jerusalem which really just felt like a giant tourist trap. Nothing there is set in stone (pun intended). What I mean by that is none of the historical sites are really verified. Apparently, the story goes that Emperor Constantine's mother was a devout Christian before it was cool. This lady didn't need to post random Bible versus on social media, qualify every statement with #blessed or sit in the front row at church on Sunday mornings with hands held high during a canned Christian power ballad complete with electric guitar solo. Ok, maybe she didn't do these things because she lived like a thousand years ago but don't worry she was still pretty full of herself and her new found #faith.

Constantine's mother took a trip to the holy land and because she was both a powerful and pious Roman woman people came to her with their spiritual questions. Other Romans asked her things like, "Hey, you were in the holy land, so like did you see where they crucified Jesus? Where was He buried? Where did that last supper thing take place? Did you go to temple while there?" So naturally, unable to admit defeat, this woman just started naming random landmarks and claiming that this was where the Christ was buried or killed or ate or caught Pokemon and furthermore, who would challenge her word? She was the Emperor's mother?! Do you wanna get killed bro? Cuz that's how you get killed.

So, in short, that was Jerusalem. Didn't feel particularly spiritual or special but fascinating nonetheless.

While still in this holy city we also learned about the Ethiopian Jews. This is a sect of people who claim to be descendants of the Queen of Sheba. Back in the day the Queen of Sheba was real tight with King Solomon of Israel and they exchanged all kinds of gifts and Solomon even named Sheba an honorary Jew! Who are these people today? Well, they are a group of African Jews who base their heritage on a pretty shaky narrative, at best. They come to Israel to pray and some stay and look for work on the economy. These are the black minority in Israel. They are the people who turn down your hotel room, wash the dishes at restaurants and do other such menial labor that the rest of us don't want to do. They work in silence and most tourists don't make eye contact with them because it makes us feel bad. (myself included)

At the end of our 2 day excursion to Jerusalem our tour guide took us to the National Holocaust Museum. My husband and I weren't looking forward to this part of the trip. I have already visited former concentration camps Buchenwald and Dachau in Germany so I wasn't keen to end my day on another sour note. But this is where my point will start to take shape and the real meaning behind this blog post.

We were incredibly impressed with this memorial/museum. I distinctly remember being in Germany amidst a perfectly manicured lawn with former smoke stacks in the background thinking that I would feel something but I honestly didn't. I remember having a sense of wonder at theses devices that were created for one purpose only, to incinerate human cadavers. We learn about the holocaust in school, on TV, in books and thru media from such a young age that we start to become somewhat desensitized to it. But at this museum I couldn't hold back my tears. We were brought to a children's memorial which consisted of a black room, full of tiny flickering lights all around you and one by one they each burnt out, representing every child who died during "the final solution". Leading up to this area you discover all the people, historical figures, politicians, religious leaders and every day folk of Germany and around the world who said, 'This will never happen! No one REALLY hates these people. These are just common annoyances.' Again and again it was those who didn't speak up or didn't DO anything to fight unchecked racism and hatred or just believed that the impossible couldn't happen.

This emotional experience made me realize something. We can't be the same generation of naysayers or those who choose to remain silent. Oh sure, I don't hate anyone, heaven forbid! I just don't make eye-contact with the Ethiopian maid who takes the towels out of my hotel room. Who have we silently become? History has shown us the error of remaining quiet and we are truly foolish to think this could never happen again. Or has it already? Do we cry out for Africa on a daily basis? Do we really understand the genocides that have taken place amongst those nations? Black people in Israel are dish washers and servants. Black people in America are shot for 'looking like thugs'.

Black lives matter. We give special attention to those of us who are underappreciated in life. No, I don't need to say that all lives matter or blue lives matter. That is understood. Think about it another way. In America we celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day because so often we under appreciate our parents and the sacrifices they made for us. Society doesn't need a Son's Day or Daughter's Day because children are typically over-appreciated. I wonder what would have happend, in the days leading up to WWII, if the world had stood in solidarity and proclaimed, Jewish Lives Matter. I wonder if the modern day Ethiopian identifies with the Jewish narrative and that gives them more reason to be a practicing Jew than a far fetched lineage to the Queen of Sheba? Perhaps they see something of themselves in another group who has been disenfranchised for millennia? Enslaved? Cursed? Murdered?

At the end of the day it doesn't really matter where Jesus was crucified. We don't know, we will probably never know and it is immaterial. What do we know? We know about the holocaust. It is fact. It is vitally important to our understanding of human relations and culture clashes. We know that black people are the subjugates throughout time and place. So let's work with what we know. Be the person who won't remain silent. Be the person who looks a man in the eyes. I will do these things with you. I don't know where the last supper took place but I do know that Christ was a prophet/Messiah/man who spoke up for those that society had bound.