Donna "Ripley" Irwin

Won't go into to gory details but I have had a stomach bug for about 2 weeks now. At this point, I am convinced that I have one of those face hugger aliens living inside of my body. Hopefully, director Ridley Scott will make a summer blockbuster movie out of my digestive problems. I'm no doctor but I'm pretty sure if I find, and destroy, the Queen Alien all my stomach problems should just go away.

Plan B: I'm just gonna drink a fifth handle of vodka and see if that will kill all bacteria inside of me. If it works on wounds, I don't see why it won't work on the inside. Either that, or the face hugger alien is gonna get tore up drunk!

Results to follow...

Way to State the Obvious!

"I just feel like my life has so much PURPOSE now that I have kids." Umm, duh. Of course, your life has purpose now that you have kids. It also had purpose before you had kids...I hope. I find this statement just plain dumb because you are stating something that should be obvious but at the same time this statement makes it sound like childless people, somehow have less purpose on this earth. A list of people who never had children include but is not limited to:
Jesus Christ
Every Pope
Susan B. Anthony
Louis Armstrong
Sir. Francis Bacon
Jane Austen
Andy Warhol
Ludwig Van Beethoven
William Blake
James Buchanan
Lewis Black
Coco Chanel
Julia Child
Tim Curry
Leonardo Da Vinci
Salvador Dali

The above list goes on forever and subsequently a list of people who HAD/HAVE children include but are not limited to:
Tina Fey
Barack Obama
Abraham Lincoln
Queen Elizabeth
Paul McCartney
Cher
Mya Angelou
Thomas Kinkade
Adele
George W. Bush
George H. Bush
Conan O'brien
Stephen Colbert
Michael Jordan
Winston Churchill
This list could also go on for the end of time. The point is that all of these people had a purpose; some of them had kids and some of them didn't.

The Ocean Just Got It's Period (And Is Becoming a Filthy Whore)

Have you ever seen ads for keeping our ocean's clean? It's always a picture of some ocean fowl with it's neck stuck in one of those soda can 6-pack rings or a sea turtle struggling to swim through a used volley ball net. This kind of imagery doesn't really affect me. 1: Because I am a terrible person. 2: Because I am lazy and I'm not gonna go roaming through my house on a futile search for scissors to cut through those soda can rings. 3: I have A.D.D and I will probably forget about this ad within 23 seconds.

What does affect me? Swimming in the ocean, when suddenly, a used tampon string tickles my ankle as it struggles through the sea seeking the landfill, that it should have been placed in, from the start. Either, the ocean just got it's period at the ripe old age of 4 billion years old or (more likely story) some disgusting, scum of the earth, ass hole threw their used tampon into the sea and yelled, "Go back from whence ye came!!!" Forget about all the genocide that goes on in the world. All military forces should unite in finding this sub-human and exterminating them with extreme prejudice.

If save the ocean ads showed pictures of beautiful Rio de Janeiro, Copacabana Beach, Miami Beach, the French Riviera, the Hawaiian Islands all inundated with used tampons, condoms and underwear I have no doubt that the oceans, rivers and lakes of the world would be cleaned up within a matter of months. These are the real terrorists, people. Disgusting ass holes, on their periods.

The Snooze Machine!

Scene: I got zero sleep last night. Literally, I tossed and turned for two hours and then I just finally gave up, got out of bed, ate 2 popsicles (orange AND grape!), messed around on the inter-webs and then finally just went back to bed only to toss and turn for another 2 hours because, why not?!

Scene 2: I awake to the bone crushing sound of my cell phone alarm and by "awake" I mean disturbed because I have already been awake all night and even watched the sun rise. I set my alarm to "snooze" thus giving myself 5 more minutes of agony. I then have a panic attack over the fact that I need to make up 8 hours of lost sleep in 5 minutes.

Scene 3: My snooze alarm goes off and I think to myself, "WOW I AM TOTALLY RESTED FROM THAT EXTRA 5 MINUTES!!!!!! THANK GOD I SET THAT SNOOZE ALARM!!!!!!"
(said no one ever)

I need to invent a snooze button function that is actually a time machine. So that, I can press it, go back in time and actually get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleeps. My goals in life aren't that ridiculous or unattainable, just create time travel and invent cake that has no calories and even makes you skinnier as you eat it. It's really just two goals, if you think about it.

Or, I could just kill two birds with one stone (poor birds). I could just sleep/eat cake in a DeLorean and then go back in time be all like, "Hey, past self! Stop eating that cake, you will be fat and also go to bed, you will be sleepy!!!"

Old Timey Photos

All beach towns, cheesy resorts and Branson, Missouri have these "Old Timey Photos" everywhere. What are old timey photos? These are photos of your scantily clad Aunt Barb awkwardly stroking a large Smith and Wesson rifle all while giving "bed room eyes" to your 52-year-old Uncle Jim, who for some reason is wearing a fake handle-bar mustache, spurs and a slightly too tight leather vest because the "Old Timey Photo Booth" was out of a men's XL pot-belly size, so he had to squeeze himself into the child's "husky" size, instead.

We've all seen/and or done these horrible family photos but I am always left somewhat disappointed. I want a REAL "Old Timey Photo". I didn't know that Old Timey translates to, only the American West circa 1802-1898 via Billy the Kid. I want to pose nude with only a fig leaf, an apple and a snake! Now, that's Old Timey!!! Or how about dressing up like the Allied Forces battling the Nazis?! That's Old Timey.

I think if someone set up an "Old Timey Photo" booth that specialized in the Jurassic era, that person would make a million bucks! Who doesn't want to be the family dressed up as T-Rexs', velociraptors and plesiosaurs?! Slap an Instagram filter on that, perhaps some sepia tones, and you've got yourself a memory; all it needs is someone throwing up on the tilt-a-whirl, some kettle corn and (as always) some salt-water taffy.

Drunk Baby Photos

Baby photography = I'm gonna wrap my baby in weird shit, or naked for no reason just to take these photos.

Drunken photography = I'm gonna wrap my friend in seran wrap, naked and take photos of him because reddit.

Parents don't do to your children what their future fraternity brother or sister will do to them in the not to distant future, against their drunken will.

The iPad and Other Useless Sh*t

I'm a big fan of multi-taskers. Take the knife for instance, it slices, it dices and it can protect you in a hobo fight! It has so many uses! I could be in my kitchen, minding my own business, just slicing up some kiwis, bein' all healthy and sh*t, when out of nowhere, a maniac does a sweet judo roll thru the sliding glass doors and right into my kitchen wielding a hand gun. Without missing a beat, I do a blind turn and stab my assailant right in the heart with my 6 in. chef's knife, then I calmly return to cutting up my kiwi fruit, only after I have gently removed the blood from my blade and hopefully had called 911, at some point during this scenario.  Now that's a multi-tasker!

The iPad, on the other hand, cannot chop kiwi fruit nor can it defend my honor in a vicious kitchen brawl. This is just one of the many reasons that I cannot support the iPad. My husband recently purchased an iPad because he is an idiot. I do not understand the iPad or the people who own them. "The iPad has so many cool apps and functions, though!" Me, "So, just like my iPhone that I already own and pay for?" "The iPad is also way lighter and easier to carry than a laptop." Me, "I thought you wanted to lose weight?"  "But, it has a way bigger screen!" Me, "Just like my laptop that I already own and pay for?" My laptop also has a functioning, real world, keyboard, has more storage capabilities than the iPad and oh yeah, I ALREADY OWN IT AND HAVE PAID FOR IT!!!!

I think the iPad is just for people who love to spend money, for no reason. I think if everyone who has purchased an iPad used that same money on charity, instead of this expensive uni-tasker, we probably would have cured AID's by now. Therefore, if you buy an iPad, clearly you want AID's to win. Not cool, not cool everybody. Keep in mind, that I have written this on my old timey, clunky, heavy, already paid for laptop. It's so heavy, in fact, that I can sling it at that guy coming thru my window, right now; and it will probably kill him on impact and still function, even after the collision. Now that's a multi-tasker!