The Bowling Controversy

I'm not good at Pinterest. Pinterest is for women which is fine because I am a woman but apparently I am not very womanLY.

Pinterest has a search bar so that you can type in certain activities or items and then add them to your personalized boards. Most women search for things like vegan cupcakes, natural soap recipes, gardening, how to discipline children with love, kittens, a Bible verse a day and makeup.

I search for things like the word FUCK, science, items that say "bitch", guitars and skulls. Recently, I searched the word, "bowling", a somewhat male dominated sport? I am using the word "sport" pretty loosely here, by the way. Also, I've never met another woman who owned her own bowling ball so I guess bowling is a dudes thing? I really don't know. I was under the impression that bowling was an equal opportunity leisure activity. I thought most Americans (male or female) were aware of bowling and what bowling is. Any small town or big city in the United States has to have at least one bowling alley (probably in the constitution). However, no one has told Pinterest what exactly bowling is or how it works.

According to Pinterest bowling is some sort of pastry based appetizer with a marinara dipping sauce served at Super"bowl" parties. Just to make sure, that Pinterest simply wasn't ant-bowling, I also did a Google search to see what came up when I searched the word "bowling". Here are my findings.

According to Google bowling is bowling. It's also interesting to note that if you search the word "porn" into Pinterest, you get this.

Again, Pinterest's definition of the word "porn" is "jalapeno popper chicken flautas". To be fair, the flautas are kind of penis shaped? I'm not sexually attracted to flautas but I could be "flauta-curious". I would never judge. Whatever floats your flauta. 

What I am trying to say here is that Pinterest is blatantly sexist. Pinterest can't even pretend to know what "porn" or "sports" are or why they exist. Anything resembling masculinity is outside the realm of searchable possibilities for Pinterest. Of course, non of this matters, unless you are a man or me but then again men don't have Pinterest boards and I am starting to question why I have one. Oh wait, SHOES! (bowling shoes)

Horseketball and Other Terrible Ideas

Meme making mood today. Seriously though, this is a real fucking sport. It's called "skijoring" pronounced "ski yoring". Apparently, someone in Sweden thought to themselves, "Hmm, skiing down a cliff face in sub-zero temperatures at break-neck speeds just isn't dangerous enough, how can I make it more terrifying? I know! Let's add horses!"

This really causes one to stop and think for a moment. What other sports could benefit from the addition of horses? Horse hockey? Horseketball? Horsoccer (pretty sure that's polo)? I think I would vote for Horse Ultimate Frisbee or Ultimate Horsebee (We haven't decided on an official name yet). I challenge you (dear internet troll) to create an insignia for Ultimate Horsebee. I will get to work on the official rule book. Also, if the sport really takes off and we have to add a women's division (Women's Ultimate Horsebee) are the humans all women or the horses all women? Both? Mixed gender horses and human females? Feminism is hard sometimes you guys.  Have I mentioned that I don't know anything about sports? Or, is that painfully obvious?

Nails: A Gateway Drug

Any time I see someone with super long nails, I be like...

That's way too much cocaine...that's more than a "sample" size amount.

INGREDIENTS LIST

Food blogs are trending, mommy blogs are trending, this blog is not trending. This blog is not trending because it is neither a 'mommy blog' nor a 'food blog', with that being said, let's talk about food blogs, shall we?

First of all, I hate food blogs. I love the recipes, I love the food but I hate the writing. JUST GIVE ME A GODDAMN INGREDIENTS LIST. No, these writers force you to scroll thru miles of paragraphs about what kind of foods the family likes/dislikes, how the recipe was created, whether or not this recipe is considered party food, weeknight meals, blah, blah, blah. I don't care about your stupid family (because I am a terrible person), or that your grandma created the dish back in the 1950's and you've just tweaked it (I don't care about your dead grandma, because I am a terrible person) I don't need someone telling me if something is party food or not. You know what constitutes party food? Hosting a party and putting food out, that food is now party food because it is food at a party. That is the very definition of party food. I am so hungry, why am I reading about your day to day life when I could be at the grocery store buying things from an INGREDIENTS LIST.

Secondly, the pictures are just plain asinine. I know how to boil potatoes; I don't need a picture of potatoes boiling. I know how to chop shit. I don't need a photo of your hands chopping shit. I NEED AN INGREDIENTS LIST and I am still scrolling thru the endless amounts of bullshit. At this point, I am just so hungry that I have already ordered pizza but I can't wait long enough for the pizza guy to arrive so I have started to concoct an ungodly meal based on the desolate wasteland also known as my pantry. This God forsaken fuel is a combination of orange tic-tacs, stale flour tortillas, Craisins and a package of Big League Chew. You did this to me food blog! (you did this to me). Sometimes I do care about the bloggers life and those are the times that I will sit in my pajamas/work-out clothes and watch your show. If I visit your blog, it is solely for sustenance purposes.

Lastly, if you tell me to 're-hydrate' something like say raisins, here is what happens to my brain.

 (DIE HARD 2 LEVEL EXPLOSIONS USING C-4!!!!) Because you know what 're-hydrated' raisins are? GRAPES!!! Re-hydrated prunes? PLUMS! Re-hydrated porcini mushrooms? FUCKING MUSHROOMS! Luckily, non of this angers me and I stay totally calm and rational and I don't eat an entire of box of Ritz crackers and Nutella beause that's all that's left in my house. Nope. That would be highly irrational.

Xtreme Vacationing (Transylvania Edition)

Relaxation is not something that I am good at. Wait, let me take that back. I am amazing at relaxation. Netflix is my bitch. My couch is a trusty steed. Cookie scented Yankee Candles are all up in this! However, when it comes to vacations I just forget how to chill.

I am not capable of just going to a Sandals resort or sailing the Caribbean on a cruise like normal people. I see vacations as some kind of a challenge. Vacations are my adventures. Every single vacation has to involve vomiting (at least once) some sort of misery mobile i.e. murder bus, death train thru the desert, hell metro, etc. My leisure time should also include extreme spots with minor injuries, narrowly escaping a shanking and usually witnessing some sort of prostitution or obscene public act.

Holidays are for spas, family time and mild sight seeing. My holiday is for throwing up in a Romanian night club, heat stroke, ingesting "medications", living in squalor at hostels and befriending Russian punks.

Extended breaks leave me exhausted, penniless and hungover. Yet, I would happily hop back on the murder bus and do it all over again. I don't know what exactly is wrong with me but if I did I don't think I would want to fix it.

I have uploaded two short videos (for your amusement) that perfectly showcase the antithesis of relaxation. Hiking up mystery mountain in Transylvania....I'm pretty sure that last phrase was a tagline to some B level horror movie.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zI08WywgXiE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNlr4VNtfoY

The Force Awakens Review (no spoilers)

I called my family on Christmas Day and while making small talk with my dad I asked him if he had seen the new Star Wars movie yet and this was his response.

Dad ,"Ya I saw it. It was ok."
Me, "What?! I thought it was great!"
Dad, "Well, I just thought that after all these years Chewie would have learned at least a few words of English. But no, still just  'Aaaaaaaaargh, aaaargh, argh'".

Chewbaccas lack of English language mastery was enough to ruin Star Wars for my dad. So, I guess don't go see it. It sucked.

The Flameshoveler

I have never lived in a truly cold environment. One time it snowed at my house for three days and that was about it. However, during the winter season I see numerous PSA's and news stories about snow storms and the nightmare of having to shovel snow off of your driveway. Many people complain of back problems, time constraints and over-all fatigue due to shoveling snow.  I might have a solution to the snow shoveling situation.

Just stop. Seriously. Just buy a flamethrower and torch the shit outta that snow. Make the snow your winter time bitch! I found this on Amazon for $300.

This bad boy can reach temperatures of 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit. You could just flame your driveway in under 10 seconds flat with this mechanical dragon.

Back pain? Torch it! Fatigue? Torch it! No time? Torch it! Torch your way to the clearest driveway in the neighborhood!