Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Wal-Mart Preacher

Today, as I was turning into to Chick-Fil-A for my $5/1,000calorie chicken sandwich, I almost got into a wreck...almost. Apparently, a bald man, wearing a WWE RAW t-shirt and wielding a Bible was yelling at those driving by. I could hear someone yelling behind me and I assumed something logical (how stupid of me) like someone was hurt and yelling for help, I had inadvertenly hit something or someone and someone was trying to alert me or I was being ushered into the wal-mart parking lot by an over zealous father of a local boyscout troupe that desperately needs to sell the last bit of their delicious popcorn. (side note: this is why you fail boyscouts, no one wants stale popcorn. We want stale cookies sold by adorable little girls...duh!)

Anyways, what amazed me was this man's telepathic powers! Normally, when someone drives past me I have no idea if they are a trans-vestite, homosexual, an alcoholic (although, sometimes I can tell if they are an alcoholic), a pervert, hindu, Christian, Jewish, Muslim; call me crazy but I just can't tell! This man, on the other hand, was a telepathic genius. He KNEW if you were a homosexual AND he knew what Bible verse to yell at you?! How did he do it?!! Grant it, if you were driving a Saturn you'd probably be gay or at least a little by-curious. So, he might have been able to guess that one. But, the list continues. He KNEW if you were a pervert and that's a tough one to guess. He knew a specific prayer for the perverts driving by in their Nissan Maximas...amazing.

Here's my question Wal-Mart preacher. If you are, in fact, a telepathic (which I believe you are) then why don't you use your powers for something bigger. I mean, I'm sure the FBI would want a complete list of proven homosexuals in the tri-state area. Because like you said, "We all know their terrorists!". Also, I would think that the FBI would also be interested in your Biblical knowledge because what good is KNOWING where all the homosexuals are if you can't cure them?? And don't stop there! If you, Wal-Mart preacher, are able to cure the gays then I'm sure you can cure the Muslims of their Muslimness...right??

Well, I believe in you Wal-Mart Preacher and now, with the help of my helpful tips, perhaps you can start frying bigger fish. Or should I say bigger, gayer, Muslimyer fish!