Thursday, July 25, 2013

Let's Endorse this Endorsement!

I don't understand advertisements/endorsements for high-end designers? No amount of advertising will get the average populace to buy a $5,000 evening gown. Problem no.1 normal people don't wear gowns other than their wedding day (and sometimes not even then) and problem no. 2 even if we did wear gowns we would buy them ironically from goodwill to wear to our ironic events such as: special screening of The Wedding Singer at our local dinner/theatre joint located next to a chuck e. cheeses.

Wow, Scarlett Johansen is wearing Prada?! I should wear Prada! Wait, where do they sell Prada? Not at Target; not at the mall, whelp I'm all tapped out then. Wait, a Prada bag is $4,500?! I will never make that much disposable income in MY LIFE. 

And no they don't need to advertise to the rich either because the rich only shop by dollar signs. If they see that something is expensive they will buy it. period. (That was 3 periods in a row, if you didn't notice) 

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

It's Adventure Time!

Being poor is so rad! There's danger at every corner! Traps, scandal, romance, intrigue! Every day is a new adventure! Will this tranny-prostitute stab me on this bus ride? How will I pay for rent this month?

A) digging thru the trash for winning lottery tickets
B) Posing nude for local university art classes
C) Letting Red Bull turn my car into a mobile advertisement

Who knows?! Maybe I will do all three, pay my rent and then buy myself something real nice like a bag of 'name brand' Haribo gummy bears to treat myself for all of my hard work!

Being poor also helps to keep the creative juices flowin'! For ex. "The only food items I have left are spaghetti and frozen edamame and I need these to last till next Tuesday." Solution, Asian noodle stir fry! Pick up some soy sauce packets from your local Chinese restaurant, pan fry those noodles and edamame in oil and even throw in some sriracha (also available in packet form) and you can even get a free packet of peanuts from Chick-fil-A (they usually, put them in their salads) and bam! You've got a complete meal.

Want to save on water? Fill up water bottles at mall fountains and take showers at the YMCA....sweeeeeet.

I feel bad for rich people. Their lives seem so boring. No one is trying to sue them over illegally downloading television or music. When they have a problem someone just fixes it for them? Where's the drama? The mystery? My car could explode at any moment because my exhaust is held together by duct-tape. I try to make every moment count because I could literally die driving my car 5 blocks to pick up free soy sauce packets! That is life!

Business Etiquette

Last week I was privy to an interesting business phone call by a passenger sitting behind me on a Greyhound bus. This conversation lasted the entirety of a ten hour bus ride. The caller in question was a 6' 4" african american woman, and I use the term 'woman' loosely here. She received numerous phone calls from gentlemen wanting to know her specs in relation to her photo, i.e. how tall she was, bust size, hair color, weight, age and if she was a woman how long she had been a woman. From what I could gather, she has been a woman for about 5 years now. The callers also wanted to know where they could meet her and if it was cool to bring other guys to their rendezvous. This dame was also wearing a mini skirt, tube top and stripper heels for a ten hour bus ride. Doesn't sound comfortable to me but then again she is probably way more professional than me. You gotta dress to impress.

But by far, the best part of this trip was the rent-a-cop at the bus terminal wearing aviator sunglasses, at night and INSIDE the bus terminal. I felt a lot safer at that moment.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Oui la piscine?

I don't understand people who own pools RIGHT by the beach...Basically my OCEAN beats your pool any day and it's free, all the time, 24/7.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Work to Live/ Live to Laugh

I am applying for jobs that I am not qualified for; that is to say, I am not qualified to scrub toilets. I have a liberal arts degree which means nothing to no one. Since I am spending so much time on useless job applications I have decided to use this opportunity as a platform for humor.

Under the "Skills" section of most applications I will now add: excellent comedic timing, beat-boxing enthusiast, epic guitar solos and great fake accents in addition to Microsoft Office.

Under the "previous employment" section: Racketeering, Boot-leg Alcohol Industry, Erotic Cakes Inc. and J.D. Power and Associates

Under the "Education" section: Rawanda's Beauty School, ECPI University-Mechatronics, Paint Your Own Pottery Class!

Under "References": Lady Diana Spencer (deceased), Jim "Hobo-Baggins" DeLau (location unknown) and Professor Snape (Hogwarts University)

Under "Languages": Spanglish, Human, Namekian and sarcastic

My cover letter will consist of the 1977 "Love Gun" album by KISS and signed by Gene Simmons

I feel like we've got a winner on our hands here.