Friday, October 29, 2010

Lean Cuisine Birthday

I am convinced that I can do whatever I want today because I had a Lean Cuisine for lunch.
List of Things I can do:
1.Eat my entire birthday cake by myself (birthdays are not for sharing)
2.Drink two bottles (thanks roomey) of wine by myself and then drink copious amounts of beer at Wurstfest.
3.Listen to all my birthday CD's at a full blast and all at the same time (Aaah yess, Phish, Muse and the True Blood soundtrack together at last!)
4.Make an ass out of myself at my friends Halloween party and throw up listed items 1 and 2 all over the seven-layer Halloween dip...yum!
5.Leave (get kicked out of) my friends Halloween party and then get into a highspeed chase with the law because I am a drunk driver.
6.Take the chase to Mexico, where the cops loose me.
7.Become the new Mexican drug lord, in which my new kingpin name will be Doña Loca Cumpleaños.

That's a hell of a birthday...thanks for making it all possible Lean Cuisine! Or should I say, Gracias!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Shit You Don't Need

This edition of "Shit You Don't Need" is entitled "Pampered Chef"

I went to a Pampered Chef party last night with a friend. I got roped into this by my boss who said that she would only go if I went so I went and, of course, my boss is a no show but luckily my friend went with me.

I quickly realized that the Pampered Chef is 1: freaking expensive and 2: f*cking retarded. I realized this when my friend leaned over and said "Oooh look this thing minces garlic and slices it!" My rebuttle was, "Ya, it's called a knife" Then my friend asked why I went to this in the first place and I said I really just wanted to hang out and get free wine and food.

The Pampered Chef catalog was teeming with crap that no one needs. For instance, an avocado knife? What's wrong with using just a regular butter knife? A thing that mashes ground beef, aka a spatula? Spice blends that I could make myself? I am convinced that women will buy literally anything at any price as long as it comes in pretty packaging and all their other female friends are doing it.

My friend said that the point of all these extra kitchen gadgets is to make cooking easier to which I said "It looks like the point of all these extra gadgets is to make me do more dishes; thus spending even more money on my water bill." Which leads me to believe that the Pampered Chef and the Water System is in be the judge. Either way, it's still overpriced stuff that you don't need. The only way that I would buy a $20 spatula would be if that spatula would buy the food, cook the meal and then have sex with me after the meal, wash the dishes and be sure to call me the next day. All of this would occur without me lifting a finger. Now that's a bargain!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Full Circle

So, I have discovered that when attaching the word "wedding" to literally anything you immediately jack up the price of said item by at least ten fold. Let me elaborate.

Me:"So if I want to rent this field I will need to make an initial down payment to hold the reservation, right?"
Event Coordinator:"Yes, that's correct."
Me:"But, it's just a field?"
Me:"So I have to pay you to rent a random field?"
EC:"Yes, and no it's not random, it's made for weddings and other life changing events."
Me:"You can make a field...are you God?"
EC:"Yes, you can and no I'm not."
Me:"How much for the field?"
EC:"$500 per hour."
Me:"For a field?"

In conclusion, I have decided to start renting out random spots in and around San Antonio, in order to pay for my wedding field. Renting fields, in order to pay for a that's full circle!