Thursday, August 15, 2013

This Battle Station Is Now The Ultimate Power In The Universe

The internet is now the most powerful educational tool in the solar system and yet it's primary function is buying out of print DVD's on Amazon, "pinning" clothes you can never afford for a body you will never own onto Pinterest, checking up on your bff from summer camp circa 1996 or was it '97? Who can remember? Memories!!!!!!!!!, checking your bank account every 5 minutes to make sure that no one has stolen your identity and the videos.

Now before you rush to judgement, the answer is yes. Yes, I perform all of the aforementioned activities. But, I am trying to balance out the bull shit. For every bull shit act that I commit on the interwebs; I will, in turn, try to actually learn something on the internet.

I have enacted my learning process by looking up something that I have never understood. This could be the biography of someone or a certain event in history or perhaps the answer to a question. The question has to fulfill 1 of 2 criteria. Either, the question fulfills a long held curiosity or it will better my life, in one way or another, by knowing the answer or by researching a topic further.

Yesterday's question was: "Why do fish have vertical tail fins and swim side to side yet whales and dolphins have horizontal fins and swim in a seemingly up and down motion?"

The answer: There are several answers to this question. Fish typically live in one part of the ocean in reference to the bottom of the sea and the surface. They don't do a lot of diving to find food so they don't need a horizontal tail fin, which would enable them to make efficient deep dives. They also don't need to surface to breathe, another reason why they don't need to make quick up and down swims.

Whales have lungs just like any other mammal and they need to surface to breathe and dive deep to search for food. Since they have such large lungs, they need to move up and down because that type of motion does not restrict breathing. Fish are related to reptiles and reptiles also move side to side when walking or running. Reptiles and fish also make very quick or rapid movements. They are not known to be very good long distance runners or swimmers. That is because their breathing is being restricted so they need to make the most out of short bursts of running or swimming.

Boom! You just got scienced!!!

Now doesn't that make for a better conversation than, "Did you know that baby North West is already sporting custom made, 18 carat white gold wayfarers?!"

This battle station is now fully operational.

Friday, August 2, 2013

PR Advice

Celebrities are constantly getting in trouble for their actions and their filthy rich little potty mouths. Paula Deen using the 'N' word. John Mayer dating girls half his age and discussing it in Rolling Stone magazine. Justin Beiber owning a f**king monkey. Miley Cyrus being Miley Cyrus.

The reason why all these celebrities have come under fire for comments and actions is because they all started out with squeaky clean images. The southern grandma you never had. The soulful singer/songwriter, think "Daughters". The Canadian cutie and the Disney country star.

If you are a celebrity at some point in time (just like the rest of us) you are going to make a mistake. The difference is this. If I drunk dial an old friend and proceed to tell them that I always thought that they were a "crazy, forever alone, bitch". Those texts will not end up on TMZ or E! News because no one cares what I have to say because no one knows who the fuck I am because I have done literally nothing that is note worthy.

The solution? Fuck squeaky clean images no one, especially celebrities, are capable of keeping that up for an entire life time/career. Especially, when your career begins at age 12. Are you the same person you were at 12? Hopefully not, I used to listen to Metallica while watching 'My So Called Life' while writing a manifesto/song lyrics about true love - because I was an expert on true matrimony at age 12.

The key is to start out your career as a total ass hole and then you can get away with saying/doing anything you want. "That's Quagmire!" AND you can only go up from there! You will get nicer as the years go by and you will be remembered as gentle old soul. Ozzy Osbourne starting out eating live bats, pissing on the Alamo and other such fuckery. Now, he is a sweat old man that everybody loves. Alice Cooper? That guy is an adorable radio DJ for a classic rock station now. Madonna, she wrote a childrens' book...a childrens' book.

Ex. Interview 1 (of your career)

Q: Where do you see your music in the next 5 years?
A: "In the trash because it's total bull shit just like this interview and every fucktard that 'likes' my music on facebook."

Entertainment industry, you're welcome -Yours Truly, PR/Marketing/Management